as i grow older, i slowly realised that love is actually a decision.
falling in love may not be, but loving someone is.
i had been willful, blaming tay for a lot of things which he could have done better, but yet again i could have chosen to see all the things which he had done really well but yet gone unnoticed by me.
sorry my dearest.
i will learn how to love you properly again.
and my my you are doing a great job yourself hahaha.
there is still so much room for me to grow and improve.
life is all about give and take.
when i stop minding all the itty-bitty things, it's like someone cleaned my fogged up glasses for me.
i could see much clearer.
heh. you are such a dear and i am sorry for not seeing it.
you can definitely do better, HAHAHA, but for now i am just grateful and contented.
on the last day of january 2013, let me just proclaim my love for you once again!!!
and thank you for staying by my side despite me shooting all kinds of daggers and arrows at you when i'm pissed.
i am impressed by your tolerance level once again! hehe.
may we live happily ever after my dearest!

HAPPY BIRTHDAYY!!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY DEAREST BOY AND HERE IS ME AND CAPTAIN LOVING YOU:

kekeke.
thank you for withstanding all my tantrums you know how much i love to throw them hehe.
and thank you for wanting to buy me all the things i want though eventually i didn't really buy them cause really too expensive hahaha.
sorry for all the 'you really really love me not?' recently cause i guess i just got super insecure after being tgthr so long andddd kind of aft tao's incident i became really emotional and my moodswings became more intense and often.
thank you for still standing by me even after me treating you like my maid (sometimes only horh) and being an asshole to you through captain.
sorry for all the pains that i give you through my hurtful words cause yea i still haven't quite master the art of thinking before speaking. D:
sorry that i aren't able to do much for your bday with my tests and assignments and eye infection happening in this period.
i guess beyond everything that you have been through, after all the things, you do realise who you really love.
thank you my dearest, i wouldn't trade anything in the world for you to leave me, unless it's your life, because your life is too precious.
unlike you who would let me die for us to stay tgthr lolol.
so long as you are still living, anything can happen okay, so i am just reminding you to choose your life over me!!
anything else must be below me though.
like your pride and games HAHAHA okay just kidding maybe just your games.
sigh see you again soon my love. know you are someone who is quite sui bian so i know so long there is me, you will have a great bday right! hehehe.

from the one who takes your breath away and makes your heart races everytime you see her,
your loveliest and prettiest and cutest girlf,
the love of your life and also the future lives,
me.

can't stop.

I can't stop thinking of you.
I can't stand myself idling.
I must always be doing something, or even 2 things at once.
Recently multi-tasking became my middle name.
People expect you to get over it, even though you never really do or perhaps you never will.
So you try your best to suppress whatever kind of emotions you have.
And for me, the best way is to keep myself busy.
I multi-task so much that i ask myself why.
I need to be doing at least two things and above at any one time.
It's not that only then would i not think of you. I still do, it's just that i would be busy enough to pretend not to notice you in my thoughts.
I still wish everything didn't happen.
I still wish that it's a dream.
I still wish that one day when i wake up i would find out that everything was just a terrible nightmare.

i miss just heading out with absolutely no aim at all and just roam around looking at beautiful things and just talk all day long.

lazy me

hi i know i have been really lazy about posting pictures on my blog though i really want to but i'm okay really lazy, to transport all those photos into the macbook and post here.

more probably to post if i have my own laptop back?

i hopeeee.

just that the things that i am gonna update about on would be the events and happenings that happened before ortao's accident, sooo it's kind of touching the wound which haven healed.

it will probably never heal, just need to learn to live with it, and well, i haven't really coped with it yet so... so be it.

i will update probably next month? or the next which is like around march..?

actually i came up here to talk about something random again.

i forgot what i wanna say and okay now i suddenly remembered again so i better get into the topic before i forget AGAIN.

well, how do you define people as treating you well?

for me, it's definitely not material goods though i am someone who loves receiving presents/money hahaha but sometimes i'd rather not receive anything rather than receiving something i dun really like.

what about you?

i actually judge how well someone treats me by their actions.

simple right?

andddd i am kind of anal, cause i judge you by the smallest actions you do.

to me, it's the smallest tiniest action that actually matter, don't you think so?

every kiss you blow me, every wave you give me, every passionate hug, every pat on the back, every 'let me help you with it', every 'you need ___?', every little thing, it matters so much to me.

people might think, "what for? i didn't even notice it", and you might call me sensitive, but that's the way i am.

honestly, it's the little things that matter, isn't it?

it's these little things which show that you really care, and that you mind, and that you truly love me.

it's because you matter, because i love you, and that's why i am paying you some extra special attention.

i think this kind of makes sense.

sooooo, don't find me sensitive to certain small things, because it's these that portray your true heart.

at least that's the way i see it.

if in my judgement, you are not doing enough, then it's probably you not doing enough to cherish me, because you don't make me feel like i am important to you.

it's the same reason why people like handmade gifts more than those bought.

it's just closer to the heart, and it somehow feels like you can feel the heart and sincerity of the person making it.

but of course, not everyone have good craft works hahaha but i am just sayingggg.

ohh and on a side note, my eye basically recovered! yay!

but doc's advise is to never wear contact lens anymore ohmylife hahaha i have been wearing it for like five years now!? that's crazy.

hahaha and he said if i really wanna wear like for cny, best is to wear for a short amt of time.

he said that i was really lucky that my eye ulcer (the infection) is at the edge of my pupil.

if it's in the middle, my sight would be affected ohmyfuckinggod thank god i din turn blind.

i think it must be tao and ahgong watching over me :')

sigh start saving money to do lasik liao lohhhh.

somehow i feel like this is a warning from lao tian ye that i should not wear contact lens anym or i should take more proper care of my eyes.

sigh okay i really only wear on cny and on my bday only kay. lolol this year 21st let me be pretty one last time D:

feel like buying a pair of frameless glasses so it doesn't seem like i'm wearing any lolol.

okay shall see how things go~~~~~

thankgod for all the pretty things that i am able to see. :')

i love my eyes so much they not only can see beautiful things they are beautiful themselves too omgg despite their sizes are a little different hahaha but yay thankgod for my BEAUTIFUL EYES.

eyes oh eyes please never fail me i trust that you will be fabulous for the rest of my life okay :') hehe

attempt to feed my blog a pic.....

Reply 1997 AGAIN!

beautiful quotes:

“没有比现在更恳切的明天，因为明天也许永远都不会到来。其实人生没有多长，我们没有太多时间讨论不在眼前的，可能都不会有的下一次机会。”

english again:

"There is no tomorrow more sincere than now, because tomorrow may never come. Life is actually not that long, we don't have much time to discuss what is not in front of us right now, or there might even be no next time."

which i presume can be used for all kinds of relationships in your life with the scenes they showed, regardless whether it is kinship, relationship, or friendship.
they kind of further showed it through r/s but i still think it applies to all kinds of love~

“因为懒惰和懦弱而就放弃现在的话，下一次机会也不会有任何希望。如果爱，现在就是最好的时机。在更迟之前勇敢向前走，要现在马上告白。因为不知道之后会发生什么事情，下一次机会有可能永远都不会到来。”

"If you give up the chance now because of laziness or cowardice, the next chance would not have any hope too. If you love, now is the best timing. Take the first step bravely before it's too late, and confess right now, because you won't know what what happen next, and the next chance might never come."

i think i feel this alot more esp after losing someone so dear to me.
do everything now now now now!!
don't wait don't hesitate!!

2013 resolutions.

it's almost a month into 2013 and i hope i am not too late but i just thought up of some resolutions i wanna achieve. probably gonna update it since this is kind of random.

1. smile more to strangers.
2. make more full use of my time, my life, by planning out my schedules.
3. go ahma house more regularly.
4. make more craftworks.
5. pick up some guitar skills.

okay that's all for now cause i really wanna start studying keke hardworking me~
shall put up my resolutions at the side and update them as and when i think of some ^^
they might coincide with my 'little dreams' but whatever hahaha.

Reply 1997 (edited twice)

really caught up with reply 1997 recently.
its other names include 'answer to me 1997' and 'respond 1997' hahaha.
omg it's a great show, in terms of their presentation and the script which depicts human emotions perfectly.
their presentation is really new, which brings you back and forth time, whether it's the past, present or future.
not that you time travel, but shows you what is relevant.
it may be a little confusing, but they write the timeframe at the start of the scene so it's clearer.
i really love their lines, which i can very much relate.
it's a short drama, with only 16 episodes.
and there is this line which i really like, in chinese because chinese subs is all i can find,

"因为别人的心很容易就看到，而我却不懂我的心。"

if i loosely translate it, it means,

"because it's easy to look into other's hearts, but yet i don't understand mine."

i feel that way too, feel that it's easy to tell what others are thinking.
but yet i dun quite yet understand myself fully despite living with myself for 20 almost 21 years now.
ahh, korean dramas always have beautiful lines, or rather simple lines which is cute, funny, direct and straight to the point.

/edit
another line:

"你们要多挣钱，也要多制造回忆才行。只拿着钱是不会高兴的。"

 in english,

"You need to earn lots of money, but also make lots of memories. With only money, you won't be happy."

/edit again
toooooo many lines that are ought to be framed, and yet all these are only from one ep, the last ep but previous eps sigh have so many beautiful lines toooo.
and just to let you know, it may be a huge spoiler for you so i advise you to just go watch the drama hahaha.
i'm only recording all the lines for myself to read back in the future okayyy!!!

"初恋，每个人的初恋都那么美丽的理由，不仅是因为初恋的他多么美丽，可能是因为那初恋的时间里有我不成熟的年纪，有无比天真的我和热情无比的你，还有知道再也不会回到那个年轻纯洁的时光了。初恋是天真的，没有准确的计算，用纯真和热情把一切都抛弃掉。结果会失败，可是才是最好的，是一个再也不会拥有的体验和感情交杂的故事。所以初恋是我人生中最好的电视剧，所以失败了也可以。比起喜剧，悲剧留下的结果是更长的，所以把一部失败的悲剧电视剧留在我心中的一个角落里是一个美丽的事。初恋是一个时期，过去了，就过去啦，现在要给新的时期和新的爱情一个机会。虽然不是初恋的体验和纯真，但是要用初恋的创伤而成长和成熟的你去等待大人的爱情。只有等待的人才能去爱，还有只有等待着的人才能在新的机会面前奇迹般认出他。浪漫结束了，生活就来了。纯洁变脏，热情会冻结，年轻也会变老，所以纯洁的初恋也会变成日常生活。这才是初恋看起来不会成功的理由。谁也不会说出初恋成功的浪漫。就那么成功也好，虽然在我心里已经是一个悲剧，但是比世上任何地方都安逸熟悉，等到过于熟悉是拿出来也会有心动的感觉。从鼻涕虫朋友开始到初恋，再到恋人，最后夫妻。我们经过了同一个时期，有着同一个回忆，一起变老。熟悉的心动，真好。热情纯真的时候，所以真的很想念。"

ahhh it's such a long para i know. hahaha but it's more so of the male lead's reflections. esp the last second para. heh.
and i really love how this drama is able to link up everything together :')
i love this kind of dramas/books because it shows how tender and attentive the scriptwriter/director/author is, jumping everywhere but yet at the end of the day, all the puzzle pieces fit nicely together :')
for all the people who don't really wanna watch the show and wanna know the looooong paras above in eng, i shall attempt to do so below,

"First love, the reason that everyone's first loves are beautiful, is not only because the him/her is beautiful, but maybe because during that time, it consists of me at an immature age, with the extremely naive me and the extremely passionate you, and also the knowledge of never being able to go back to that time of youth and purity.First loves are naive, with no accurate calculations, and throwing everything else away with just naivety and passion. The end is a failure, but that's the best. It's a story where all kinds of mixtures of feelings which you will never experience. Therefore, first love is the best drama of my life, so it's okay if it fails. Compared to comedies, the effects left behind by tragedies are longer, therefore leaving a failed tragedy in a corner of my heart is a beautiful thing.First love is an era, when it's over, it's over. Now it's time to give a new era and a new love a chance. Even though it is not the experience and purity you have in first loves, but you will need to use the maturity and growth you gained through the pain of first love to wait for the love of a grown up. Only the people who are waiting are able to love, and only the people who are waiting then miraculously be able to recognize him/her when the opportunity is presented.When the romance ends, the reality of life comes. Purity becomes filthy, passion freezes, and the young becomes old. So even the pure first loves will become daily life, and this is the reason why first loves would never seem to work. Nobody would ever talk about the romance of the first loves which did.But it's fine that it worked, though it's already a tragedy in my heart, it's the most secure and familiar place in this world. Beyond the extremes of familiarity, there is also the feeling of heartthrob. From mucus friends to first love, then from lovers to at last being married. We have been through the same era, with the same memories, and then grow old together. The familiar heartthrob, that's great.It's the time of passion and naivety, so I really miss it."

even when times seem so tough that tears are unavoidable, remember to smile, even a little.

i am happy for being who i am and have whoever i have now.
thankful for all of you staying by my side despite my imperfections. (L)

smells

Was waiting for tay in the middle of the night aft his supper at the door.
Opened the door wide and closed my eyes while sitting down cause i only woke up a few mins ago and was feeling really exhausted.
The wind blew in and i enjoyed the cool breeze as i felt more drowsy.
Then i caught it, i caught the smell that i haven taken in for a long time.
It's the smell of the silent night.
Or rather it's the smell when the sky is dark and most are still sleeping.
This is the smell i smell when i leave hse before the sun rises, with little people on the streets.
I like this calming relaxing scent.
My nose started remembering, remembering all the smells i have smelt.
The smell of my house, clara's hse, ortao's hse.
The smell of all the people.
Most of my friends shld know i have a sensitive sense of smell haha.
Sdnly i rmb the smell of ortao.
I miss his smell.
How i used to always smell him when we sit tgthr, when we hug, when we fight.
I can still rmb his smell, which is really comforting to me.
I recognise it as a smell which has a protective stance.
It's also a smell which hints fun and playful.
It's his smell.
When tay came and when we slept, i smelled him haha.
His is the soothing and calming kind of smell.
It gives me a sense of security.
Hate it when he is down with flu.
The smell of his cold makes me feel like i'm gonna catch a flu bug soon.
Sigh. I miss tao.

it's great to have a blog where i can pen down my little thoughts.
though sometimes it's disgusting to read my old posts and see my old way of typing haha.
being able to vent everything here like this makes me feel good.
have been making my own organiser for 2013 the past few days.
okay no i merely drew lines and wrote dates on a book i bought some time back.
and i am done! yay!
but i can only start using it in feb cause thats where the date started. kind of stupid of me not to write the date earlier so i can use it sooner.
my eye is a lot less red today so i shall study~ though i did try to study a little last night haha.
okay jiayou jiale! :D

me and my sore eye

hi all.
currently nursing a very bad sore eye which is getting better!! yay!!
but my mum has kind of grounded me at home for fear of any new bacteria coming to attack my eye hahaha.
and right now my eye is really sensitive to light :( and i have to have my shades by my side..
so basically i become one of those people you see wearing shades indoors. hahaha.
and on that fateful day i saw one of my friends tweeted something about people wearing shades indoor being an idiot.
and then it started to get me wonder, even small things like this are being prejudiced against.
human beings nowadays are really judgemental eh.
and i have been bothered by people who doesn't really care recently as well.
hmmmm i guess we should really not care so much about other people eh.
first, it won't get us pissed or unhappy if that person doesn't care.
second, what for do you care about people you hardly know, for instance, strangers on the street?
whatever they wanna wear is their business, whatever they wanna do is their business too.
as long as whatever they do doesn't affect me, then why should i be so bothered to make a negative comment about it?
they might have a reason for doing so for all you know.
from now on, i shall aim to notice only the beautiful things around me, and to find pleasure in life, instead of picking out all the unhappy stuffs.
stop making your own life complicated i guess.
someone smelly boards the train? move away.
someone accidentally stepped your feet? haven't you accidentally stepped on someone else before?
it's just a little of life's give and take i guess.
smile wider, and good things will fall together.
it's been such a long time since i tried to encourage myself again.
and oh it feels so good :)
happy and grateful for all the people who are and have been around me, with all the wonderful memories they gave.
i will treasure time and life a little more, do more things which i believe to be more meaningful.
here's a 'thank you' to you, who have been part of my life, and i promise, you always will be.
i love you, as always. (L)

when i am running away, i hope that you will chase after me.
but then again, this doesn't seem to be of your character at all.
i still continue hoping, even if it's just like a dream which will never come true.
what has this become at the end of the day?
i dun even know.

THE FIRST 21 OF THE YEAR!

my first 21st bday celebration and it's for this girl belowww:

hehehe i love you cheryllll!!
hope your pajamas partayeeee went great hehe.

moving on with my life.

after finding out that tao will never be able to rest in peace if we continue to mourn and cry, and that his soul have been angry and in pain, i stopped.
i stopped mourning stopped crying almost instantly.
i love him still as much miss him still as much.
but i made myself do it for him.
i want him to go in peace.
i dun want him to suffer even in afterlife.
i will move on with my life.
i will go on with my life.
don't worry about us anymore.
don't be angry and sad anymore.
go on with them and do your own things alright.
dun worry about us forgetting you, we never will.



and, sometimes when we reached a point in our life, i realise that not everyone can be your friend.
even after going through whatsoever, nope.
you can feel disappointed, you can feel unhappy, but what if, just what if, you are the only one who is feeling that way?
if so, then dun bother.
dun bother to feel unhappy or get hurt over someone who doesn't care a hoot about you.
it's sometimes necessary to be cold-hearted to certain people, in order to protect yourself.
if you know you have tried your best, then there is nothing to regret.
i will protect my friends, from those who might potentially harm them, physically or emotionally.

it's not really normal to think of suicide every now and then right?
it's not really normal to think that i wanna leave this place and this world right?
it's not really normal to want to leave everyone i know and start anew in somewhere strange right?
sometimes i feel like there isn't someone whom i really wouldn't bear to leave.
anyway i can be a cold-hearted bitch if i want, and i'm feeling pretty cold-hearted right now.
i am feeling a little cruel, a little heartless, a little mean.
sometimes i wanna crush this world under my pretty little feet.
sometimes i wanna control every single one in this world with my little finger.
sometimes i just wanna be evil.
perhaps i am just sick of having to adhere to the 'musts' in this world, so i just wanna be badass.
i wanna burn things down and then laugh at it.
i have kind of a warped soul, distorted mindset eh?
there is a lot of things that i find no meaning in, but have no idea why people are so persistent in it.
it just doesn't really matter as much as the other beautiful things in the world.
it's okay if you think i am hideous.
i don't really care since i don't really know since you are just observing me behind your petty computer screen.
am i alright?
no, of course i am not alright are you dumb or what?
actually underneath my supposedly cheerful appearance i do have this pessimistic leering side of me.
what makes me happy?
idk anymore..
i really dun.
nothing really makes me happy anymore..
i can laugh i can smile, but once that laugh/smile is over, that tinge of happiness disappears too.
it's such a light shade of happiness, and that's probably why it faded so instant too.
i forgot how to be happy.
i got a feeling i forgot to do so about half a year ago?
i kind of lost faith in the people around me.
losing faith is really the worst kind right?
maybe i will be able to pick myself up again?
or am i just too deep in this depressed mode?
so many things have already lost its meanings to me.
what does it mean to be mature?
to be mature means realising that you are never going to be mature.
that's my definition of mature.
nobody is ever really mature.
people who think they are mature? in fact, they are just self-righteous people.
wise does not equal to mature.
wise people do do childish things, in contrary to what you think.
people all like to act a little extra cuter towards people they like, isn't that so?
you just want to whine a little more, complain a little more to your loved ones, isn't that so?
people are ridiculous.
we all are.
no exceptions.

i feel so mentally and physically drained.
i feel like a living corpse.
i feel like whatever i am doing/saying is not in my control anymore.
this is not me.
where is me?
i am so sick and tired of these.
this is not what i want to do.
i really dun want to wait to be able to do what i really want to do.
am i really incapable of doing what i want to do?
look at my blog title, mocking me.
i am not living without regrets, because this is not the life chosen by yours truly.
i guess i am kind of being rebellious and resisting all these.
i want to say goodbye to all these troublesome things.

it's not the first time i am feeling this way, and i brought it up to you more than once or twice.
to you, your answer is always wanting me to accept this for this is who you originally are.
but is that really so?
because to be honest, this is not the you whom you showed me at the start.
yes you have not changed, probably.
but yet you have changed the side of you you decided to show me.
it's one thing to be comfortable, yet another to show that you are putting in effort.
to me, you are not putting in enough effort.
and i dun think i am asking too much, i am definitely not.
you never ever really listen to my requests, but deny/condemn them straight away.
you never ever really asked what i want, but just push away my expectations saying that they are too high to reach without truly listening.
you said all these, but do you really know what i want? what i truly want?
you may say you don't know, but when i talk about it, do you ask?
do you even care enough to ask?
and then sometimes, the things i do for you, i feel unappreciated, so much so unappreciated, but i still try my best to do something special to you.
because to me, if i fail to make you feel special, it should be my fault, even so, i will be more motivated to try harder to think up of newer ideas.
what about you?
i miss the then you.
i miss that side of you.

trying so hard to come to terms with it, still.
2 weeks passed.
are you sad? or are you angry?
i really miss you a lot.
at the very least, i am not cooping myself up.
i still go out.
i still do things that i ought to do.
i try to be happy.
i still smile.
i still laugh.
but sometimes i try too hard to laugh/smile and seem happy, such that it becomes exaggerated, and i think it kind of scares people.
it's only when this happened when i realise your importance in my heart, and i can't help but wonder if i am as important to you?
and what saddens me so much is that you will never answer my this qns..
tao, do you miss me as much as i miss you?
do you love me as much as i love you?
even when we used to fight in the past, you never really really blew your temper at me.
you gave in to me in about almost everything.
is this how you show how much you love me?
it's not that we are not close right?
it's just cause you can't bear to really get pissed at me right?
it's because you dote on me right?
i used to be so willful and whiny but you never got mad, instead you laugh.
i never really got mad at you too, because i dote on you.
i always complained about how you treated me like a maid but i still do it because i dote on you.
suddenly i realised how much i dote on you.
i always did whatever you asked me to.
our bond is special right?
or at least i want to believe so.
that bond since young which never stopped.
we are cousins, but in our bodies, half of the blood flowing is the same.
because all the blood flowing in your dad and in my mum comes from our grandparents, the same grandparents.
our ahgong and our ahma.
ahgong doted on you the most.
and because of how close we were, he doted on me almost as much too.
and since young i have you to dote on me.
i have you to disturb me.
i have you to take care of me and want me to follow you everywhere you go.
i am so used to calling me 'eh jiale' and then follow by a laugh and then whatever you want to say, whether a lame joke or just reminiscing our past.
you haven looked at our old photos and laugh at how we were last time.
now, why am i the only one looking at our photos and laughing alone about how you were so naughty?
tao, it's so hard to be truly truly happy now.
can you teach me?
i got a feeling we were twins in our previous lives. haha.
dumb eh?
because it's so weird that i started feeling uncontrollably in a bad mood a few weeks or even a month or two before your accident.
it's like i felt like something is wrong and i can't pinpoint what.
and i have to try so hard to do things to make myself happy again.
and then to drop so low in a snap.
my mood fluctuated a lot, more so in the negative way.
or is my negative thoughts the reason which attracted what happened to you?
i miss you.

i wish everyone would be miserable like me and mourn for you.
i am a mean freak.
i hate all the festive decorations and songs.
i wish you would come back.
i wish that with all my might.
i kept telling tay this wish, but he never answers me.
i know he didn't want to tell me that it wouldn't happen and pop my bubble.
i know people will call me stupid, and say that it's impossible.
but, just let me dream and wish.
they say if you put all your belief in it, anything you want will happen.
i'm near desperation.
and i don't feel like going on with my own life.
perhaps i'm just feeling guilty and i wanna give this part of my life to him.
these past two weeks, i have been swallowing my tears down even though most of the times i fail.
and i guess i know why i always seem like a younger sister at home to my friends after flipping through our photos.
thank you for caring for me so much in your own subtle ways but i notice, you know.


i have decided, for my supposedly memorable 21st birthday this year, i'm gonna spend the first part of it with you, my dearest brother.
i love you so much.

ortao

i haven't been a fan of facebook, posting extremely seldom on it.
but recently, i have been spamming my facebook wall like crazy.
it's the only place i feel like i can still connect w tao, i can pretend and talk to him there.
ortao, someone who is not unfamiliar to alot of my friends.
i lost him to a car accident on christmas.
christmas will never be merry ever again.
christmas has since then lost all its festive meanings to me.
it's just a holiday which reminds me of something grievous.
tao's chu qi is on 31st dec, 49th day on lunar new year chu er, 100th day on 3rd april which is near my birthday.
tan ortao, you really know how to choose dates horh.
everytime i see people all happy and wishing everyone all kinds of wishes i feel so evil but can't help wanting to shoot them all down.
i hate seeing people being all happy because it was so miserable for me.
i can't help but wish that everyone will be crying and mourning for you.
arent i mean? but probably at this point in time i am just filled with hatred and meanness.
i hate all those people who comments about nonsensical things about moving on and being strong and how sometimes a smile is the correct response to whatever shit stop giving me bullshit i really want to feed you middle fingers.
are you fucking kidding me?
it has only been a week okay.
when you move on from a relationship of a month within a week people call you a flirt and then they expect us to move on from this kind of things within a week!? after he has spent more than 21 years with everyone (20 going 21 years with me)!?!? dun fucking kid me okay.

It's the last day of 2012 and the last week of the year has really been a whirlwind of things happening. I have been a mess trying to deal w reality and my emotions. Thank you for all who cared. But no i am not gonna be strong for the time being. The most i can say to you is that i will try my best, but no promises. Dun tell me to move on. You never really do when someone that precious leave you this sudden in this way. Eventually i will be better, at least on the outside, after i have tidied up my emotions and memories of him. God knows how long it will take. It hurts so much that you never gave us a hint, or a chance to say goodbye. You were my role model, the one whom i followed in almost everything i do. So many of the bad habits i have now i learnt them from you, so tell me how do i ever forget you? What bullshit, i never will forget you. I am fearing as 2013 is nearing. It's so hard to accept that you wun be seeing 2013. I guess i was too complacent, the way i assumed and expected that you will be w us until we all got married and have kids and bring our kids to see each other or even our grandkids and then share our grandfather and grandmother stories to them about all the silly things we did. And that complacency led to this indescribable grief inside of me.

Ps: i appreciate all the well wishes but really, stop sending me all the happy new year msges. It's not happy for me. At all.

above is what i posted on fb just before the clock struck 12 for the first time in 2013.
it really depicts how i feel.
i dk who will understand that he is not just a cousin, because most people are just not close to their cousins i guess.
he is like my real brother.
my big brother.
the kind who bullies you and hit you for no good reason.
you glare at him but he just passes by you without even looking after hitting you.
the kind when i look at him playing the computer with envy in my eyes and then he just turns to me and asks 'want to play huh? give you play want anot?' and then i reply excitedly with a 'yes'.
the kind i fight with him and bite his toe in order for him to give up and admit that he lost, or just grab him tight and hug him to pin all his limbs so he couldn't disturb me but he tries hard to turn back to lick me but fails terribly.
the one who laughs at me after telling me to do all the bad things which angered the adults and they came running after me.
the kind who steals my food and eat them all up and i got so mad i wrote in my diary about how i am never forgiving him ever again but yet finds him again the next day to have more fun.
the kind whom i just jump up on his back and insist that he piggybacks me all around the room or else i am never getting down.
the kind who treats me to go wherever i want and buy me whatever i want.
he is really the worst and the best brother at the same time.
so many photos of us being all loving and photos of us fighting, or rather you bullying me or attempting to hit me.
i learnt so many bad habits from you, like cracking my neck and finger joints.
i learnt all my vulgarities from you.
because of you, i grew up like a tomboy who loves to fight, car racing and climbing up and down.
i can't let you go.
i can't.
i can't let you go just like that.
i refuse to.
i just wanna pretend that you are just out with your friends or just away.

because of you,
i cry everywhere.
i cry while i'm on the transport, no matter train or bus.
i cry while walking.
i cry when i'm at my boyf's house, shocking his parents who probably thought i quarreled w tay or smthing.
i cry while bathing.
i cry mostly when i am alone.
because when there is nobody to talk to, nothing for me to do, when i am left idling, i think of you.
my heart aches, and my tears form.
i want to throw a big tantrum, i just want to scream and shout.
i want to cry hysterically and call for you to come back.
people think i am already grieving alot by the way i act, but no, i am actually holding back already.
i want to scream until they return you to me.
i want to make them so scared that they return you to me.
i want to fight them so they return you to me.
I HATE THOSE WHO TOOK YOU AWAY FROM ME FROM US.
I HATE THEM.