ortao

i haven't been a fan of facebook, posting extremely seldom on it.
but recently, i have been spamming my facebook wall like crazy.
it's the only place i feel like i can still connect w tao, i can pretend and talk to him there.
ortao, someone who is not unfamiliar to alot of my friends.
i lost him to a car accident on christmas.
christmas will never be merry ever again.
christmas has since then lost all its festive meanings to me.
it's just a holiday which reminds me of something grievous.
tao's chu qi is on 31st dec, 49th day on lunar new year chu er, 100th day on 3rd april which is near my birthday.
tan ortao, you really know how to choose dates horh.
everytime i see people all happy and wishing everyone all kinds of wishes i feel so evil but can't help wanting to shoot them all down.
i hate seeing people being all happy because it was so miserable for me.
i can't help but wish that everyone will be crying and mourning for you.
arent i mean? but probably at this point in time i am just filled with hatred and meanness.
i hate all those people who comments about nonsensical things about moving on and being strong and how sometimes a smile is the correct response to whatever shit stop giving me bullshit i really want to feed you middle fingers.
are you fucking kidding me?
it has only been a week okay.
when you move on from a relationship of a month within a week people call you a flirt and then they expect us to move on from this kind of things within a week!? after he has spent more than 21 years with everyone (20 going 21 years with me)!?!? dun fucking kid me okay.

It's the last day of 2012 and the last week of the year has really been a whirlwind of things happening. I have been a mess trying to deal w reality and my emotions. Thank you for all who cared. But no i am not gonna be strong for the time being. The most i can say to you is that i will try my best, but no promises. Dun tell me to move on. You never really do when someone that precious leave you this sudden in this way. Eventually i will be better, at least on the outside, after i have tidied up my emotions and memories of him. God knows how long it will take. It hurts so much that you never gave us a hint, or a chance to say goodbye. You were my role model, the one whom i followed in almost everything i do. So many of the bad habits i have now i learnt them from you, so tell me how do i ever forget you? What bullshit, i never will forget you. I am fearing as 2013 is nearing. It's so hard to accept that you wun be seeing 2013. I guess i was too complacent, the way i assumed and expected that you will be w us until we all got married and have kids and bring our kids to see each other or even our grandkids and then share our grandfather and grandmother stories to them about all the silly things we did. And that complacency led to this indescribable grief inside of me.

Ps: i appreciate all the well wishes but really, stop sending me all the happy new year msges. It's not happy for me. At all.

above is what i posted on fb just before the clock struck 12 for the first time in 2013.
it really depicts how i feel.
i dk who will understand that he is not just a cousin, because most people are just not close to their cousins i guess.
he is like my real brother.
my big brother.
the kind who bullies you and hit you for no good reason.
you glare at him but he just passes by you without even looking after hitting you.
the kind when i look at him playing the computer with envy in my eyes and then he just turns to me and asks 'want to play huh? give you play want anot?' and then i reply excitedly with a 'yes'.
the kind i fight with him and bite his toe in order for him to give up and admit that he lost, or just grab him tight and hug him to pin all his limbs so he couldn't disturb me but he tries hard to turn back to lick me but fails terribly.
the one who laughs at me after telling me to do all the bad things which angered the adults and they came running after me.
the kind who steals my food and eat them all up and i got so mad i wrote in my diary about how i am never forgiving him ever again but yet finds him again the next day to have more fun.
the kind whom i just jump up on his back and insist that he piggybacks me all around the room or else i am never getting down.
the kind who treats me to go wherever i want and buy me whatever i want.
he is really the worst and the best brother at the same time.
so many photos of us being all loving and photos of us fighting, or rather you bullying me or attempting to hit me.
i learnt so many bad habits from you, like cracking my neck and finger joints.
i learnt all my vulgarities from you.
because of you, i grew up like a tomboy who loves to fight, car racing and climbing up and down.
i can't let you go.
i can't.
i can't let you go just like that.
i refuse to.
i just wanna pretend that you are just out with your friends or just away.

because of you,
i cry everywhere.
i cry while i'm on the transport, no matter train or bus.
i cry while walking.
i cry when i'm at my boyf's house, shocking his parents who probably thought i quarreled w tay or smthing.
i cry while bathing.
i cry mostly when i am alone.
because when there is nobody to talk to, nothing for me to do, when i am left idling, i think of you.
my heart aches, and my tears form.
i want to throw a big tantrum, i just want to scream and shout.
i want to cry hysterically and call for you to come back.
people think i am already grieving alot by the way i act, but no, i am actually holding back already.
i want to scream until they return you to me.
i want to make them so scared that they return you to me.
i want to fight them so they return you to me.
I HATE THOSE WHO TOOK YOU AWAY FROM ME FROM US.
I HATE THEM.