你把我弄的太混乱。
叫我如何收拾我内心的那残局。

First post in 2016,

and I didn't mean for it to be a sad one but I just have some things I wanna get off my chest.

I know, for some time now, that there is a part of me that is dead.
It is like a shallow well where I fall into sometimes, but I would take some time before climbing back out again to the happy and colourful world outside.
Inside this well is all the pictures of the people I have lost.
I can only look at them, and yet never touch them again.
There are also the bits of me that are gone forever, missing together with them.
I can never get those back, even tho I know they are there.
I wish I could go wherever they are, even if impossible.
Now seems like a good time to curl up into a ball, and send those messages of longings to the sky as my tears evaporate to become clouds.
It's amazing how much one is willing to give up just to hold your hands once more.

I don't know what I am feeling recently..
probably a little despondent..
maybe more than a little.
a feeling of giving up is nagging at me.
I have been trying to ignore it for the longest time ever.
people have been asking me what do I want to do.
and I think my answer will really disappoint them.
because my answer is, 'nothing'.
there is nothing I want to do, and all I really want to do is nothing.
I don't exactly have a goal or aim.
I don't exactly know what I can do and what I am capable of.
I don't know how to fledge my strength to its maximum capacity.
Though again, perhaps I do know.
I do know what I want to do.
it's just that I am so tired.
I don't even know what I am tired of.
I just wanna take a very very long break from life, from everybody.
I need to grasp hold of my life and I don't know where to start.
yes, I need to start something. I need to start doing something.
I think I need a life somewhere where there's only me.
I want to stay alone for a little while, away from everyone.
I need to recharge somewhere I don't feel the need to entertain somebody, where I don't have to care about the feelings of somebody else.

Quarter-life crisis?

So many things have changed, yet so many haven't.
I am still here, still alive, still surviving.
Everyday has been a sort of struggle.
The struggle to wake up from bed, the struggle of not having a goal.
I always thought that graduating meant I would definitely find a fabulous job which I love doing and start a brand new life.
But I guess things are not always how you want them to be.
I know I am not working hard enough, I need to buck up, but I don't know which direction I should work hard towards.
Life is a chore at this moment for me.

Just went to transfer the debts tuition fees for the Korean school and this korean trip has never felt nearer.
My heart is pumping quicker due to all the adrenaline effects I suppose and I hope this excitement doesnt die down which I am rather sure it wouldnt.
I might die of euphoria right now this adrenaline rush is rushing way too much but I'm not hating it lol.
I could smile the whole day and forget about everything else.