trying so hard to come to terms with it, still.
2 weeks passed.
are you sad? or are you angry?
i really miss you a lot.
at the very least, i am not cooping myself up.
i still go out.
i still do things that i ought to do.
i try to be happy.
i still smile.
i still laugh.
but sometimes i try too hard to laugh/smile and seem happy, such that it becomes exaggerated, and i think it kind of scares people.
it's only when this happened when i realise your importance in my heart, and i can't help but wonder if i am as important to you?
and what saddens me so much is that you will never answer my this qns..
tao, do you miss me as much as i miss you?
do you love me as much as i love you?
even when we used to fight in the past, you never really really blew your temper at me.
you gave in to me in about almost everything.
is this how you show how much you love me?
it's not that we are not close right?
it's just cause you can't bear to really get pissed at me right?
it's because you dote on me right?
i used to be so willful and whiny but you never got mad, instead you laugh.
i never really got mad at you too, because i dote on you.
i always complained about how you treated me like a maid but i still do it because i dote on you.
suddenly i realised how much i dote on you.
i always did whatever you asked me to.
our bond is special right?
or at least i want to believe so.
that bond since young which never stopped.
we are cousins, but in our bodies, half of the blood flowing is the same.
because all the blood flowing in your dad and in my mum comes from our grandparents, the same grandparents.
our ahgong and our ahma.
ahgong doted on you the most.
and because of how close we were, he doted on me almost as much too.
and since young i have you to dote on me.
i have you to disturb me.
i have you to take care of me and want me to follow you everywhere you go.
i am so used to calling me 'eh jiale' and then follow by a laugh and then whatever you want to say, whether a lame joke or just reminiscing our past.
you haven looked at our old photos and laugh at how we were last time.
now, why am i the only one looking at our photos and laughing alone about how you were so naughty?
tao, it's so hard to be truly truly happy now.
can you teach me?
i got a feeling we were twins in our previous lives. haha.
dumb eh?
because it's so weird that i started feeling uncontrollably in a bad mood a few weeks or even a month or two before your accident.
it's like i felt like something is wrong and i can't pinpoint what.
and i have to try so hard to do things to make myself happy again.
and then to drop so low in a snap.
my mood fluctuated a lot, more so in the negative way.
or is my negative thoughts the reason which attracted what happened to you?
i miss you.