THE BITCHES

okay no photos of the day.
brought my camera out but i forgot to take it out for pictures. HAHAHAHA.
so i will type one thousand words to make up okay hehehe.

went out earlier to meet xueli cause i wanted to buy my sephora foundation which i was running low.
and buy another primer to replace the one which i lost in china on my last day there. T^T
bought blush too! since my current one gives my sensitive skin acne. D:
urban decay blush with the 'quickie' colour~~ it's cream blush so i hope it will be okay on my skin! heh.

hmm mm she wanted to shop but we din really shop but more of walking around and chit chatting nonstop. HAHAHA.
and finally had my sour sally!!! after like being deprived of REAL GOOD YOGHURT for almost six months okayyy. T^T
there is only this yoghurt shop in china which is called YOBA and OMG their yoghurt is like ew maximum and it's like not sour at all. only got this disgusting sickening sweet taste which is difficult to describe. it's not even like icecream that kind of sweet. it's just SUPER WEIRD. neither icecream nor yoghurt. it's cheena yoba.....

eventually settled down at cine's seoul garden where we were supposed to meet the rest aft browsing through wisma, taka, 313 and cine.
HAHA love how we talked about anything at all and it's like always about the most random stuffs and fangirling over FDR in 'this means war' HAHA which we coincidentally watched on the same day.
and how i fangirl-ed over shinee in etude house once i saw her HAHA and expressing my disappointment over being unable to find the special shinee edition of their lipbalm. D: shall go try again next timeeee!

the girls all came and we ate and chatted and ohmyyy how i missed them. :')
totally not regretting organizing this dinner okay. despite the lack of numbers.
it's okay we will meet again soooooon! <3
dessert at coldstone (or coldrock HAHAHA) WOOHOO love my cheesecake and honeycomb mix :')
and while i was ordering i ordered 'cheesenut' instead of 'cheesecake' omggg diu lian max HAHAHA.
simply love nua-ing with them hahahaha it's so shiok :')
love them so much omgggg.
need to meet up with the rest of the girls too cause i know it will be MORE fun HEHE.

<3my bitches.


---



we dun say goodnight to each other bef we go to sleep.
we dun say good morning to each other aft we wake up.
at first, i tot it was weird cause this was unlike everyone else.
i even had insecurities over that.
but as time passes, i realise i do enjoy this kind of 'freedom' and the 'surprises' i get when i see your name appearing on my phone cause it's always unexpected.
this is just our own special way of communicating and staying tgthr :)

surprises

I love meticulously planned surprises.
But those little surprises i get when i discover those little things you did which let me know how much you care, it's simply priceless. :')


---


It was a great first day back in sg.
Brunch with mum and fourth aunt and siaoching and ahdi's wife keke.
Five women chitchat nonstop hoho.

Had a great night out with tay though it was just movies hehh.
It's been so freaking long just nua-ing tgthr and laughing abt each other's retardedness.
I will nv forget the kfc incident HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. TOO FUNNY FOR WORDS. :')


Supposed to have dinner with my girls tml nightttt. Lets plan somewhere nice kayyy!

it's that kind of thing when you haven slept for two nights in a row causing severely bad skin condition and your hair is in a curly kind of mess after having it in a bun for the whole day with your thick framed specs sitting on the bridge of your nose but yet when you see each other's face your face lights up and you see him smiling happily like a retard to himself and somehow, you just know, it's that kind of a little thing.

role exchange

listening to Beyonce's If I Were A Boy




i wanna exchange roles with you for at least a day, so i would know how it feels like every time i act willful and you get pissed and yet you tolerated and give in to me in the end.
i am not testing your tolerance limit.
and in fact i'm afraid to reach it.
i'm sorry that sometimes i am so conceited that i forget that you feel exactly the same as me, or even worse.
and instead i would always think that i am alone in this.
i miss you and your retardedness.... which you would only show to me... :')
thank you. <3




sometimes i feel like this blog is so damn personal that it shouldnt be an online diary but a private handwritten one but yet it transmits messages that i could never do it in person to the people i wanna say to.
i'm sorry that this is the only place where i can truly unleash the vulnerable and weak side of me.
this sucks.
but i am glad that i have this outlet.
this little white box where i can act like whatever i'm typing is to me and myself only HOHOHO.
my blog will forever be my favourite website kekekekekeke.

there are always lots of blog posts when i stay up late at night hahahahaha.

this thought just sdnly popped out from my mind, which i think it's really kind of me?

just that i was unwilling to face it.

i know how i have always said that i hated being treated like a kid.

but in fact, i love being treated like a kid.

i love being coaxed, hoaxed, taken care of etc etc.

i am like a kid, who loves to attract attention and loves people who pay attention to me.

and if people dun, i hide.

i just hate admitting it. lol.

i can think maturely, but i just want you to treat me like a kid.

just dun talk ABOUT me like i'm really a kid.

for example like saying 'aiya you dunoe how to take care of yourself one.' this kind of stuffs. :/ cause i do. i just dun want to. ^^

random fact number 1: i LOVE pats on my head. or just people sayang-ing my head.

HAHA i stopped admitting this EVER SINCE a guy in sec sch started patting my head like crazy aft i told him this random fact about me.

he even patted my head with a FREAKING BOOK when i was wearing a hairband WITH THOSE TINY SPIKES which poked into my head thereafter. -_- super pain okay.

and he got really creepy and i was super scared hahahahahahaha.

is it possible if you treat me like a kid?

even if you prefer mature people... :/

being a kid makes me much happier with a naive and innocent thinking that people in this world are all kind and nice.

so pretty please? ^^ with many rainbows on the side? ^^

from ade's blogggggg

You are The Lovers

Motive, power, and action, arising from Inspiration and Impulse.

The Lovers represents intuition and inspiration. Very often a choice needs to be made.

Originally, this card was called just LOVE. And that's actually more apt than "Lovers." Love follows in this sequence of growth and maturity. And, coming after the Emperor, who is about control, it is a radical change in perspective. LOVE is a force that makes you choose and decide for reasons you often can't understand; it makes you surrender control to a higher power. And that is what this card is all about. Finding something or someone who is so much a part of yourself, so perfectly attuned to you and you to them, that you cannot, dare not resist. This card indicates that the you have or will come across a person, career, challenge or thing that you will fall in love with. You will know instinctively that you must have this, even if it means diverging from your chosen path. No matter the difficulties, without it you will never be complete.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

i give in so much so much to my instincts.

and just a tweak in my perspectives can make me see so much more.

but is this tarot card really true? :/

Losing a Best Friend
(saw this on cab's tweet)


i'm really so freaking glad that me and sebas stayed together despite everything:

his wishy-washiness which irritates me to no end~
my bhb-ness which makes him wanna vomit his guts out~
me being so straightforward that i ____ *ahem* nonstop no matter how much he tries to defend but nv really actually getting pissed cause he knows he is the reason i am pissed~
his retardedness which makes me laugh like crazy~
my being gullible which cheers him up when he plays stupid jokes on me~

no matter how long we have not talked for, no matter how long we have not met for (almost a year now...)
whenever we talk, there is this indescribable connection in btwn us. :')
who ever said that platonic f/s cant exist?
who ever said that a guy and a girl can't truly be just best friends?
it's like there is never this awkward-ness btwn us.
okay maybe just a little at the start if it has been really long since we last talked/met.
but we break the ice almost too quickly and i will just blabber on while he whines like an old lady AS USUAL AHAHAHAHA.

i rmb i was the one who called him my bestf first. since i din had much friends then. and i rmb the happiness i got when he reciprocated my 'bestf feelings' by calling me his bestf for the first time :')
we dun hug or whatever like how they say bestf will always give and our physical contact will probably be just  be me punching him and him punching me but :')
we are always there for each other mentally HAHA. and emotionally of course.

the promise that we will always be there for each other is different. from lovers i mean.
it's like a 'i'll be there to comfort you and bitch about your partner if he/she ever lets you down or even lecture you on how stupid you are in this r/s" kind of there for each other. :')
and i got a shock just the other day when i found out that sebas hit my bastard first boyf for me? O.O
though i still kind of cannot believe it.
SEBASTIAN LOO IS THIS TRUE OR YOU ARE JUST LYING TO ME CAUSE IM THE GULLIBLE IDIOT HUH!?
it's nice how we have a nice nickname for each other (aka idiot -_-) since idk when.
i'm just happy that we never ever drift no matter how minimal we keep in touch. :')

i know you are going through a rough patch and i have been a bitch (towards you-know-what) but rmb that it's all cause of you okay you sucker.
i have alr ran out of words of encouragement and scoldings.
sometimes when you are feeling down, i just wish i am at some kind of beach with you so that we can scream our heads off or go cycling to let the wind blow away our troubles.
nature sometimes do make this kind of miracles you know.
i'm sorry that i am far away in china and you can't have anyone there physically for you so that you wun feel lonely that much.
i can only hope that you are cheering up and be happy.
thank you for being there for me during the scary and dark patch that just passed and for being my love messenger HAHAHA.
you are one of the most impt MEN in my life okay. though you not really a man HAHAHA.
you know i love youuu. :')
best friends forever.
like really.
even aft i die, (i hope i die first so that i can do the following) i will haunt you forever by floating around your room (when your bro is not in) aimlessly :')

today is a happy/sad day.

love it when my customers are being sweet esp when i'm trying my hardest to serve the best i could give. ^^
and they are always the ones that made my day~~~
reasons why i wanna go for a job which can make people's day~~ cause it makes my day too~~~

okayy and another happy thing which happened today is that
TAY GOT INTO CHONGPANG CAMP WEEPEEEE!!
cause it means that he is closer to me HAHAHA and i dun have to run to bp to find him and he can just come my hse to find me HAHAHAHA. lazy
and i can alr imagine myself sitting in the kopitiam eating the super awesome chongpang nasi lemak while waiting for him to book out.
okay i shld probably wait for him to book out AND THEN eat the nasi lemak tgthr HAHAHA.

and one last happy thing is thattttttt
I WON A PRIZE AT THE ANNUAL PARTY TODAYYY *-*
okay though it's just some sucky prize which is panasonic hair dryer which i dun even know if im bringing back boohoohooooo.



REASONS FOR IT TO BE SAD:
LHM EMAILED US THIS FREAKING MORNING TO TELL US THAT OUR REPORT IS DUE ON FRIDAY 12PM.
HELLOOOOO~~~~~
i have work today and tml and on friday.
and my work on friday starts at 7am.... -_-
which means i got until 6am to finish it okay biatchhhhhh. D:<

and i got scolded once i reached work WTFFFF.
it's the cashier's problem okay.
stop blaming it all on me.
it's the morning shift who din do their work properlyyyy.
fucker.
and if the 7am people have to handover to the 2pm people, then what do the freaking LEADERS who report at 12pm do???
they dun nd handovers ah?
bunch of fuckers who just blame anyone they see/hear.
jealous cause i pretty right >:) HAHAHAHAHA.
okay enough bullshit.
buay tahannnnnn the leaderrsssss.




OHHH ONE LAST HAPPY THING. it's just two more days of work and i'm done HOHOHOHO.
can't believe that it's ending. :')
have been extremely happy and smiling like crazy and chit chatting like crazy cause when the mindset "so what? i am leaving." sets in, it grows roots and the euphoria which hits me makes me feel like im floating in the sky HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
and hopefully, i will be less vulgar in sg HAHAHA.
became extremely vulgar now and i at least scold one 'fuck' at *ahem* (behind *ahem*'s back HAHA) per day. D:
please return the pure and innocent me to me. T^T


okay I NEED TO GO AND DO MY REPORT NOW I AM SO SORRY GOODBYE.

death is scary.
but what is scarier?
to be left behind.

i cannot believe that one day in the future, i will be left with only photos and memories.
i cannot.
i dun want to believe but i can't not believe it.

tearing like crazy D: this is how i am like aft watching some emo movie. :/
kind of regret it but at least it makes me treasure the people around me more.
try your best to outlive me okay.
i cannot take it to not be able to see you anymore. i really cant.

so, i'm gonna stop trying?

it's night time

back to emoshitz jiale.

you said i changed.
i will never forget this.
did i really change?
or did you not know me in the first place?

a complicated being with conflicting personalities.
is it possible?
probably, cause i'm bipolar.
i can be euphoric at one moment, and miserable the next.
mentioned it before yea?
i am childish and mature, complicated and simple, good natured and bad tempered, irritable and patient, good and bad, sentimental and heartless.
how can anyone ever comprehend me? when even i cannot.
i only wanna find someone, who understands me more than i do.

saw this line which speaks quite true about me on weibo,
most of the times, i feel like i'm not me. when am i me? idk.
i feel like i'm just this compilation of all the people i have ever met, because i'm so damn easily influenced.
a character of mine which you hate might be just a reflection of someone i met before.

this 'searching for myself' journey is a little tough, but i will persevere on.
i wonder who are the ones who will remain with me till the end.
will you take my hand?

OKAY FORGET ABOUT BEING EMO I NEED TO CONCENTRATE MORE ON MY FINAL REPORT!! D: D:

thought i can submit it on 2nd march but SDNLY LHM EMAILED US ASKING US TO HAND IT IN BY 27FEB OMFG i foresee sleepless nights ahead.
/waveswand
*i hereby cast a spell on myself to not need sleep at all*





btw OMGGG i want this perfumeeeee.

HARAJUKU LOVERS WICKED STYLE LOVE~~
even if i hate the mole on the doll..... so much so i might just colour the whole face black if i get irritated too much.

BUT WALAO smell very nice leh!! fruity and sweet mm mm i loike. and it's limited edition :( sigh means use finish then they most probably not selling anymore. :(
SHALL GET IT ON 26FEB IN THE DUTY FREE STORES WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

trust.

a short and seemingly simple word enclosing a complicated yet significant meaning.

trust is very important.
so important that the one who gives it allows the one who receives it to tear the former apart at any unsuspecting moment.
it's also so much so important that the one who does not receives it gets torn apart by the one who refuses to give it.

i'm sorry that my trust is so goddamn precious to me that i can only give bit by bit at a time.

what never fails to make you smile, never fails to make you cry as well.

we made carbonara before loh :( (though not very successful la)

hahahaha we make again okay! i wanna make ddoubukiiiii!! *-*

hello! what do you want to say?

if only the world has lesser suspicion and more trust.
if only the world has lesser deceit and more honesty.
if only the world is lesser adulating and more hardworking.
if only the world has less criticism and more naivety.
if only the world has lesser tears and more smiles.
if only the world has lesser cries and more laughter.

if only we dun have to worry about the dark thoughts which lurk around and inside of us, wouldn't this world be a much much much better place?

full of emotions.

i am seriously bipolar. emotional at times, yet emotionless at times.
sigh. and i feel like i'm childish and mature at the same time?
i am also optimistic and pessimistic at the same time. HAHAHAHA.
and the first time i heard someone (clara) calling me bipolar, i instantly agreed inside of me. HAHAHAHA.

hi welcome to my bipolar world~~~~

i love my blog cause it's where i can be as bipolar as i want to be.
i know i sound like super emotional and miserable at times, but if you really know me, i do exaggerate a little sometimes. HAHAHAHA.
cause honestly, i am a super blissful and happy kid. just that some thoughts/feelings struck me sometime and i would explain them as detailed as possible which made the situation/matter sound ten times more serious.

okayyyy, i shld stop saying that i am a kid. cause i am a mature woman! HOHOHO turning 20 in less than 2 months' time OMGGG dun even wanna think.
and ahyi is turning 20 next week HAHAHAHAHA.
WE GONNA PARTAYE WHOLE DAYYYY. that is if we can both get morning shifts T^T


i know i havent been posting photos but i haven taken any nowadays lehhh.
i shall take some the next time with my new clothes bought on taobao kay! or maybe not then next time you all will feel *-* when you see me irl wearing those clothes HAHAHAHA.

though you dun see a picture of me, here is pretty pic:

i know how i always say i want practical presents, but i really want a carousel music box (though it isn't technically a box and i would want a more colourful and happier carousel HAHA)




and when i get back to sg, i wanna try making these:



CARBONARA PASTA


CHOCOLATE COVERED CORNFLAKES


CINNAMON MELTSSSSSSSS

ohgod i am hungry looking at these gonna munch on some biscuits laterrrr.
PEOPLE WILL HAVE KOU FU WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

LDR

watched a LDR video and it's like fuck i can feel them.
even though mine was only like for 6months and he came to visit in between but somehow i felt that so tough. because i couldn't talk to him when i want to. eg whatsapp or whatever.

i couldn't whatsapp him. i could only text him. and he couldnt even reply cause of his prepaid card. so it's like a one-way thing and i wouldn't even know if he actually received them anot.

i could only call when i can. but i wouldn't know if he is free/sleeping. and every call is so fucking expensive i would spend like SGD20 per call. hahahahaha. he doesnt know but calling him is the reason why my china prepaid card is always stopped.

and he isn't always online? we dun even skype. he doesnt even have a skype acct and he doesnt know how to create. and his laptop/desktop dun even have a webcam. so whats the point.
we only skyped like once or twice? when he borrowed his bro's laptop.

we just use msn. or emails. there was a period of time when we only emailed each other once a week. merely an email per week.
i was dying to know whats going on in his life but he was busy and i was busy. and the replies became really slow.

idk but this probably strengthened us?
forever afraid that things will get awkward when i get back. hopefully not.

i love you my dearest. see you in one and a half weeks' time. <3

okayy, but despite being sad looking at the happy couples/families dining at our restaurant tonight, and seeing people posting photos of their happy valentines, i dun feel jealous at all seeing people receiving flowers leh.

FOREVER FEELING THAT FLOWERS ARE A WASTE OF MONEY.

still rmb that day when tay was at shanghai and the auntie was persuading him to buy a flower for his 'pretty' gf and his reply was 'she doesn't like flowers' and the auntie was in disbelief HAHAHAHA.

even though we aren't tgthr this valentines, but i know we still got each other presents, practical presents - CLOTHES OHHOHOHOHOHO I LOVE CLOTHES.

#randomz

saw this on tumblr and my nose instantly felt sour.

(L)(L)(L)(L)

LOVE IS WHEN YOU SIMPLY SMILE WHEN HE/SHE IS HAPPY.

So, on this day which is supposed to be filled with love all around, i hereby wish all the lovely people i love, happy valentines' day. <3 you know who you are. ^^ i love you!

sometimes i wonder, do people like me for who i really am?
but then again, who am i really?
sighhh, life is all about searching for who you truly are?
though i believe that my life shld be dedicated to make people happy. HAHAHAHA.
shall no longer probe to find out who i truly am. i am whoever i feel that i am. HOHO. no restrictions to who i can only be. heh.


nothing to update about my boring life.
nothing to talk about.
just that i will be arriving at changi airport on 26feb at approximately 8.50pm HEHEHEHE.
had a super full brunch cause i couldnt decide what i wanna eat and ended up buying too much. T^T knew this would happen when i bought them sighhh.
planned to do some report and failed miserably. din even open the folder okay. let me dieeee. no determination at all. T^T okay tml tml tml tml tml. D: pray hard please thankew.

in the midst of persuading tay

TAY: u got so many bag and wallet liao
ME: more is better than less ma horh!?

TAY: too much is nv better than enough

ME: but you can never have too much

our conversation is so philosophical. :')

Our First Anniversary.

HI i actually created a collage of our pictures but then again,

i feel that this is a much much more meaningful picture than ALL the rest. heh.

it's been a year since then.

since that greatest surprise i have received which i had been so gong about. HAHAHA.

will never forget my shock when i see you accepting the 'bday cake' meant for 'others' from the waitress. HAHAHAHAHA.

time really do fly.

if it flies for another few more months, then you will officially become my longest boyfriend. HAHAHA.

well, honestly,

i havent been the best girlf.

but yet, you stood by me.

p.s. the following is just for one person. but if you wanna read it, then dun complain.

---

since 8 April 1992,

i have been spoiled by numerous people - my parents, my aunts, my uncles, my ahgong, my ahmas, my cousins, my siblings, my friends, etc etc.

i was really a spoiled kid.

i used to be the only child, and received all the love from everyone, mostly my parents of course.

that is until 3 June 1994 when LEE JIA MIN was born. HAHAHA.

okay at least i was like the main (and only) 'character' in my parents' life for like more than two years.

i grew up happily, cause somehow people just naturally liked me HAHA not kidding okay.

PLUS i was somehow able to communicate very well with people, as compared to my dear ahmin.

i always had lots of friends surrounding me, and somehow teachers loved me.

in kindergarten, teachers picked me for the grad ceremony perf and according to the teacher my size is the average one so even the costume is tailored to my measurements. KEKE.

in my first primary school, i was always picked for perfs and act as the main character.

in my second primary school, my teacher picked me as the class representative for weird contests like the whitest teeth even though i have a decayed tooth. HAHAHA.

my older cousins always let me have my way. be it jiejie, ortao, xueli jiejie.

even younger cousins (okay maybe without the S behind 'cousin) like weilong will buy me more sushis as compared to the amt bought for the other cousins.

i was so thoroughly spoiled. D: (but definitely not as spoiled as jiamin. ^^)

somehow, as i grew older, i started dating.

that's when i started losing everything. okay no, almost everything.

family, friends, and eventually him.

it's weird that at that point in time i felt like i lost everything.

but wait, i realised that i was nv thoroughly alone.

somehow, just somehow, there is always at least a friend there to accompany me during my downs, to pick me up when i fall, or even just to give me a shoulder to cry on.

and as time passes, i flew in and out of r/s.

when a r/s ended, the heartbreaks never last too long.

i would not say that it din hurt cause the impact it gave was forever.

each r/s somehow gave me their own trauma which up till now, i'm unable to shake off.

i regretted flying in and out of r/s, so much.

friends laughed at me for being a slut/flirt, and that i change my boyf faster than them changing their underwear.

they laughed, and i wondered if they meant it for real.

i know some friends dont, but yet for the others, you never know.

i rmb someone called me a bitch who changes boyf faster than her changing clothes.

but then again, who knew me like the way i do.

okay you may be wondering what the hell am i writing all these life stories in this post,

but okay i am gonna start linking up all these stories to the stuffs below kay.

cause i was such a spoiled kid,

i never saw that i was quite a self-centred bitch.

to me, everything i did/said was right.

and i hate it when people contradicts me.

but somehow, you could tell that, and you chided me for having a sucky attitude and made me see from your light.

i was so spoiled, even by you, that i left you no pride at all while exposing your vulnerabilities, hurting you entirely while being blinded by my own misery and pain.

talking abt that makes me feel like crying now.

i'm so DAMN DAMN DAMN sorry for hurting you then.

i failed to see YOUR misery and pain, which got doubled cause you felt mine as well. i failed to see those and tore your wounds open cruelly.

i forgot that you felt scared too. forgot that you were as lost and confused as i was too. i just assumed that you had to take the responsibility and the lead. i am so sorry my dear.

i even felt so righteous at exposing you. never thought that i multiplied your pain and hurt by galleons. how stupid was i. and this just happened just a few weeks back.

this incident really gave me a big knock on my head, and i realised how much you love me then.

no matter how much pain you were in, you never inflicted any on me to make yourself feel better, unlike me.

fuck im feeling so guilty now and tears just keep flowing. hahahaha.

you were in pain yet you din show it, and you let me vent it all.

i know i am in the fault now. i am sorry.

and i was so self-centred that i thought aft that matter which happened to me years back would be the worst part of my life, and it will all be smooth-sailing for me from now on that i failed to see that like in roller coasters, life would go down more than once.

and so, i fell again.

i vented everything on you, you took everything.

when you were feeling down, i blamed you for not sharing with me. ohwtf why am i like this.

and i accused you for not loving me just cause you refused to share, when you did so cause you love me far too much.

i am probably the worst girlf ever, while you are the best boyf i could ever have.

you stopped trying to surprise me, after being disappointed cause of me talking about how i alr expected them.

i am sorry you took it as i din appreciate them.

but you dunoe how much i loved them, that i am always waiting for the next.

you know all my faults, and yet you chose to see past them all and love and protect me in your own ways which i never saw with my blinded eyes trying to find some kind of prince charming which will never appear.

will never forgot how that night i found you crying and wetting the whole pillow cause you thought you were gonna lose me.
i was so damn shocked cause bi ah bi, i will never fucking leave you okay. no matter how much things you do to piss me off. HAHAHA.
unless you go sleep with some other girls, or text/msn/fb/tell other girls i love you or i miss you, or anyhow go out on dates with girls without telling me.
i see all those above as cheating on me horh. cheating on me is definitely not allowed in my worldddd~~
but okay go back to that story.
i will also nv forget how i found that letter draft of yours to me which has dried spots of tears on it saying that you din want me to go for the overseas internship. HEHEHE.
dun feel embarrassed okay. cause ben xiao jie now basking in the sweetness of all these HAHAHA.

oh wo de tian i am crying like crazy right now and i dun even know why. hahahahaha.

i will, cause i love you, try and see everything in a much positive light.

i will, cause i love you, trust you more.

i will, cause i love you, to continue loving you for as long as i am able to.

thank you for all those changes you made just to suit me and my bipolar character and weird personality.

i will now try and fix the broken and spoiled parts of me so that you will be happier.

i am really happy that it's you by my side and not anyone else.

god knows where else can i find someone who is as generous and big-hearted as you.

really the best kay.

perhaps this had been an incoherent post but i hope you understand just what i am trying to express.

you know i always say senseless stuffs and beat around the bush when all i want to say is just smthing small.

i am touched by your actions, and now i want you to be touched by mine.

not the touch you are thinking of right now you sucker. hahahaha.

no matter what happens in the future, i will love you kay.
no matter how fat you grow, i will look past your fats and love you kay.

and no matter how much porn you watch, i will forgive and love you kay. HAHAHA.

okay kidding.

dun always think that you love me more than i love you.

it's just that the way i treat the one i love is a little erm weird and selfish somehow, but the amt of love cannot be compared!

i truly love you.
i dunoe how long is forever, but i will try my very best kay. ^^

sincerely,

your gorgeous and loveliest girlf,

LEE JIA LE (L)

currently watching this korean show 'need romance'. wun say that it is a very good show, just that it created alot of questions in my head.



what is love, really?
can you really just hold on to that relationship forever?
without any change, can you?
the way two people behave with each other will not change that easily. and once you get used to it, once you become comfortable, how would there be sparks to continue the r/s.
and eventually, would it be love? or would it be just commitment and responsibility?
i know i shouldnt think that far. but these insecurities get to me sometimes.

guys think a whole different way from girls.
for eg they can separate love and sex??
what if a boyf is physically attracted to another woman though he still loves you? what would you do? do you mind? he still loves you what. just physically attracted to a more attractive woman. :/
i used to think, if you love someone, you will find him/her the most attractive person in the whole wide world.
but perhaps, i am the only one who feels this way. perhaps you dun, he dun, she dun.
am i alone in this?
alone in this world of insecurity and uneasiness.
being through a few broken relationship made me find it hard to trust in relationships again. even up till now. even when i'm in a relationship. even if this doesnt make any sense to you.
this is why i throw tantrums, i get jealous, i do all kinds of unreasonable things, i try my best to get your attention like some whore.
i dun find myself attractive, not attractive enough to keep you by my side forever.
i dun have the confidence, dun have the confidence that i can make you love me forever.
fuck now im having issues.
i'm glad i have this little white box for me to pour out everything when i have weird thoughts.
i'm glad that this little box accompanied me when i need to vent the most.
being here means that i cant call anyone to talk. it sucks. cause typing on phone just isnt fast enough for me to write down my every single thought.
now i am crying. why am i so weird? it's not like i'm facing any relationship problems right now. at least, for now, tay loves me. i do know that.
but it's the fear that is gripping me. the fear of the future. the fear of the uncertainty. the fear of what a man's inner desires might result in the future. the fear of getting hurt if you trust someone again.
i feel so broken once again.
you think it's easy. getting out of a relationship, crying for a while till it doesnt hurt anymore, move on, get into another realtionship, getting out of a relationship, crying for a while till it doenst hurt anymore, ... and it goes on.
i can never seem to get over anything. i can never trust someone completely ever again. what do i do? what can i do? what should i do? i'm trying. trying as hard as i can. reminding myself every single day, hour, minute, second about what that person did for me and asking myself to trust.
but what do i do when my petty insecurity gets in the way?
when my wild imagination takes the roller coaster ride?
i'm a person full of suspicion. so full that i feel so suffocated by it. every small little thing you do, i think a thousand times about it. wondering if there is any hidden meaning.
how i wish i can lock you up in a cage so that you are mine and mine only and i would not have to worry anymore.
fuck this is so vulnerable.
i feel so vulnerable.
i feel so pathetic in fact.
im just this petty insecure distrustful suspicious pathetic insignificant person living in this world.
everything that you think is nothing. i think it's big.
thank you for giving in to me. by letting me invade your privacy whenever you want to. it's like being with me, you can't have any privacy at all. but yet you dun mind. i am really thankful for that.
i dun even know what i am doing now, thinking about all these stuffs. just that what i saw in the show refreshed all the hurt that i thought became scars.
people reading this must think that i am ridiculous. but i dun fucking care okay. you dunoe what i have been through. i still fucking care, fucking care about what everyone else think of me. i'm such a superficial person.
i want to appear nonchalant, appear cool, appear perfect in front of everyone.
i hate it when people criticizes me though i claim that i can take it. okay it does depend on the way you say it.
i hate it when people talks about how embarrassing i am. it's like you are not proud to know me. then why stick with me?
i hate it when people teases me 99% of the time. i know i have a red nose. stop reminding me that and fuck off and die bitch.
i am a vain person who only wants people to praise me.
ah jiale you so smart. ah jiale you so pretty. lol superficial.
i know that it's useless wanting these stuffs.
i'm being so honest and truthful now huh. lol.
i know i need to change, i need to improve, i need to be fixed.
lee jia le, you can't wait for somebody to do that do you. you have to do that to yourself. you have to stand up and be strong. when you face setbacks, you cant be praying for someone to settle it for you, you have to do it yourself. when people blame you for something they did wrong, you can't just feel accused and let tears come to your eyes, you have to stand up for yourself and scold that person. when people accuses you, you have to stand up for yourself cause noone else will.
despite all your weaknesses, i know you are a kind, caring, soft-hearted, honest girl.
that's enough right?
that's really enough.
you dun have to be pretty dun have to be skinny dun have to be attractive.
i know you want confidence. build it up. you can do it. be proud of who you are. do what i always remind you to. convert your weaknesses into your strengths.
jiale, think of all the people that love you. some might stop loving you once they realised who you truly are. but at least papa and mummy will always be there. they are the people who will love you unconditionally.
now now, you have cried enough. stop those tears. it's already 11. let's go and prepare for work.
even when everyone in the world leaves you and lets you down. you still have yourself. please be continue to be brave and smile. remember to smile. remember remember to smile.

cried at work for the first time.

and customers saw.
understood why some were pissed but yet some were so sweet cause they see me trying my best.
i was sorry i broke down.
i never should have.
never wanted to show my vulnerable side.
cried not cause i felt sad or whatever.
but cause i felt pissed and accused.
and the tears just flowed cause i couldnt say a word to vent it. and for someone like me who ABSOLUTELY LOVES to complain. it's a pain being unable to explain or express whatever i wanna say.
i'm so sorry towards all the customers who waited for so long. i truly felt extremely guilty. :/ wanted to give them so much more but it's beyond my abilities.


on the other hand,
i love my lovely friends and boyf and okay maybe jiamin for like asking about me. esp tay who came online just cause i texted him about me being sad about my work and that i need to talk to him. :')
thank youuuu.
and my colleagues who tried their best to help me though they are as busy. T^T it was the busiest day in weeks or even months omgggg. SIGH :/
hungry now. eat my pocky? okay just one box and i will go wash my face and feet and brush my teeth and sleep.
tml will be a brighter day!!!! :)

i was shocked at my own emotional response, and therefore reacted far too exaggeratedly that i eventually din know how to end it.
i'm sorry.
should have never acted that way. should have never threw my tantrum.
i have no idea what this means.
perhaps i slowly became like you? in the sense that these doesn't matter to me anymore. cause to you these are always trivial and somehow i changed my perspectives as well without me knowing it?
i could never understand why you can always seem so nonchalant. but now, i feel like i am the one being nonchalant.
it's like a 'so what?' and 'whatever....' situation. it's just nothing. just that i used to make everything out of nothing that i am shocked that i sdnly felt like it's nothing?
maybe that's how it's supposed to be and perhaps i have overcame that 'fear' which accompanied me for the past five years. O.O
cause i rmb i used to be like this, like right now, five years ago - nonchalant. HAHA.
i know what i said to you last night and i don't know how much hurt it caused you.
sigh. :/
i'm sorry i love you.

NO LONGER GRUMPY! HEE~

i am no longer grumpy even though i am still counting down to the end of my work today! hahahahaha.

was kind of really happy todayyy!! ^^

just working for the sake of working and stopped thinking about all those negative thoughts.

a change of perspective can really make a big jump in your life.

pardon my chui face i woke up at 5plus this morning okay. >:(

was talking to sebas and i came to realise that perspectives is really very impt.

and it all depends on yourself.

whether if you want to change your perspectives etc etc.

got him to change his perspectives and i have no idea if i was successful but i hope i was.

because if i was, then he would feel alot happier i guess. :)

life is all about making choices.

you choose to stay or leave.

you choose to change or remain.

you choose to fall or climb.

you choose your point of view in the various situations you meet.

and i thought of this when we were talking. and it's an understanding from a combi of many things i saw.

"even if you were to be reborn, if you were to live the exact same way you did, you will still fall for the same person and commit the same stupid mistakes. so, there is no point in people saying that they want a time machine or anything related to go back in time to change history. they might as well say they want to be able to predict the future."

true true???
i find this very true to me myself. though it's like my "own" quote. HAHAHAHA.





suckertay is sending me photos of him eating sushis. downloading in process......
okay. me very sad now.

BEING ATTACHED.

THIS TITLE IS WEIRD.

but then againnnn,
it's only recently when i found out certain people getting attached. O.O

HMMM MMM HMMM MMM.
WHEN IS MY CLARA AND HYRAH AND CHERYL AND XUELI AND HUIWEN AND YINGJIE AND GUOWEI AND JERVIS AND SHAUN GONNA GET ATTACHED AGAIN/FOR THE FIRST TIME/CAUSE I NEVER SEE BEF!?!?!?!?!?
THEN AFTERDAT EVERYONE CAN GET MARRIED AND INVITE ME TO THEIR WEDDING DINNERS CAUSE I LOVE ATTENDING WEDDING DINNERS HEHEHEHE. all the food... *-*

and i found out a certain few broke up. D: dun like to see people breaking up.
but then again, sometimes i can't help but feel that certain couples should have broken up long ago. oopssss.
it's not cause i'm like judging them or what.
it's just that i feel that my friend is losing out in terms of how the other party is treating him/her in my point of view. :/
SIGHHHH. i just want the people around me to be happyyy~~~~~



okay now i'm just trying to change the perspectives of how i view my work.
so that i will be less grumpy and be more cheerful. keke. ^^
like how this chef told me this morning,

"you are here for internship, here to learn, not work.
if they scold you, whatever, who caressss, you are still learning.
if they blame you for being irresponsible, whatever, who caressss, you are soooo young it's as if you are still a child, you have yet to reach the age of being responsible.
dun treat this as if you are working, treat this as if you are playing~~~"

he totally made me and ahyi laugh so much when we were chatting. HAHA.

and it totally struck me on the head that everytime i think of my dream job, it will be a job that is like outdoor-ish and yet having an office, cause to me i will have lots of fun.
so it's like i want a job that i can have fun, a job that is like where i can playyyy~~~
so why not treat it as playing instead of working~~~
WAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
it's not my hotel anywayyy~~ HAHAHAHA.
okay i will still work like i am supposed to. but then i will try and have fun!
though i dunoe how to but okay i will tryyyy??

i should go back to entertaining myself like singing songs or talking to myself.
AHHH I MISS TALKING TO MYSELF. and acting to myself.
yes i do act to myself.
like i imagine scenes of all kinds of 'plays' and i act it to myself, like randomly, even on the streets.
so sometimes people see me doing faces to myself. HAHAHAHA.
sigh i miss that part of me.
okay shall do that tml~~~
I DUN CARE! HMPH! >:)

i'm so grumpy.

i'm so grumpy.

i'm so grumpy.

i'm a complain queen.

i can't stop complaining.

i'm killing myself with my grumpiness.

i can't lift my mood up.

i can barely smile nowadays.

can you feel how grumpy i am over here?

i am grumps.

i don't feel like me.

i can cry like any moment whilst i am here.

i don't even have the energy to work.

strolling in the park is a nice way of describing how i walk during work.

walking like the zombies in L4D is then the not-so-nice description.

i want me back so badly.

i need to go out. go far far away. i just need to go out to playyy.

but it's so far from everywhere here.

and i feel like dying everytime i step out of my room into the bathroom.

how do i even step out into the freezing cold outside? :/

the happy me on monday disappeared with a poof like she nv existed.

this sucks.

i know how people have been encouraging me.

but it's kind of useless?

cause i can't think of anyone of you who would understand.

i am probably someone who needs to be working/literally doing something all the time.

i feel like i can't just waste my time here.

it's like degrading me? if you get what i mean.

i need to get a move on with life. :/

okay probably certain guys who are undergoing ns now might understand how i feel right now.

it's like you are stuck, and you feel like you are neither here nor there, just stuck and unable to move forward not cause you din try or you refuse too, but cause the circumstances bound you tight.

sigh. okay i should stop complaining.

though it doesnt stop my thoughts from running to wherever it wants to.

bye.

counting down.

sigh tears formed in my eyes as i flipped through the cny photos my family took. :(
how i miss them.
how i wished i was in singapore during cny. :(


18 more shifts to go.
22+ days till i end my internship.
24+ days till i reach singapore.
i cant wait.

food poisoning.

both me and ahyi are down with food poisoning ohmygoddddd.

this sucks.
though i think ahyi's seem more serious than mine.
cause she is having diarrhea and i am not. HAHAHA.
okay but i am still vomiting up till now. D:

we should never have ate that stupid cheesecake last night.
and we should never have treated our cold living room as a fridge. T^T
and conc: please do not eat cheesecakes which are not stored in fridges okay. :(

stomach still squirming now. D:
this sucks. life sucks.
din bathe or wash my face or anything today. D:
woke up at 5pm and now i feel like sleeping alr. D:
practically din sleep the whole night last night. T^T
half conscious all the way sigh.
tml still need to report to work at 7am.
please give me more energy to carry on. tyvm.