what is love, really?
can you really just hold on to that relationship forever?
without any change, can you?
the way two people behave with each other will not change that easily. and once you get used to it, once you become comfortable, how would there be sparks to continue the r/s.
and eventually, would it be love? or would it be just commitment and responsibility?
i know i shouldnt think that far. but these insecurities get to me sometimes.
guys think a whole different way from girls.
for eg they can separate love and sex??
what if a boyf is physically attracted to another woman though he still loves you? what would you do? do you mind? he still loves you what. just physically attracted to a more attractive woman. :/
i used to think, if you love someone, you will find him/her the most attractive person in the whole wide world.
but perhaps, i am the only one who feels this way. perhaps you dun, he dun, she dun.
am i alone in this?
alone in this world of insecurity and uneasiness.
being through a few broken relationship made me find it hard to trust in relationships again. even up till now. even when i'm in a relationship. even if this doesnt make any sense to you.
this is why i throw tantrums, i get jealous, i do all kinds of unreasonable things, i try my best to get your attention like some whore.
i dun find myself attractive, not attractive enough to keep you by my side forever.
i dun have the confidence, dun have the confidence that i can make you love me forever.
fuck now im having issues.
i'm glad i have this little white box for me to pour out everything when i have weird thoughts.
i'm glad that this little box accompanied me when i need to vent the most.
being here means that i cant call anyone to talk. it sucks. cause typing on phone just isnt fast enough for me to write down my every single thought.
now i am crying. why am i so weird? it's not like i'm facing any relationship problems right now. at least, for now, tay loves me. i do know that.
but it's the fear that is gripping me. the fear of the future. the fear of the uncertainty. the fear of what a man's inner desires might result in the future. the fear of getting hurt if you trust someone again.
i feel so broken once again.
you think it's easy. getting out of a relationship, crying for a while till it doesnt hurt anymore, move on, get into another realtionship, getting out of a relationship, crying for a while till it doenst hurt anymore, ... and it goes on.
i can never seem to get over anything. i can never trust someone completely ever again. what do i do? what can i do? what should i do? i'm trying. trying as hard as i can. reminding myself every single day, hour, minute, second about what that person did for me and asking myself to trust.
but what do i do when my petty insecurity gets in the way?
when my wild imagination takes the roller coaster ride?
i'm a person full of suspicion. so full that i feel so suffocated by it. every small little thing you do, i think a thousand times about it. wondering if there is any hidden meaning.
how i wish i can lock you up in a cage so that you are mine and mine only and i would not have to worry anymore.
fuck this is so vulnerable.
i feel so vulnerable.
i feel so pathetic in fact.
im just this petty insecure distrustful suspicious pathetic insignificant person living in this world.
everything that you think is nothing. i think it's big.
thank you for giving in to me. by letting me invade your privacy whenever you want to. it's like being with me, you can't have any privacy at all. but yet you dun mind. i am really thankful for that.
i dun even know what i am doing now, thinking about all these stuffs. just that what i saw in the show refreshed all the hurt that i thought became scars.
people reading this must think that i am ridiculous.
i want to appear nonchalant, appear cool, appear perfect in front of everyone.
i hate it when people criticizes me though i claim that i can take it. okay it does depend on the way you say it.
i hate it when people talks about how embarrassing i am. it's like you are not proud to know me. then why stick with me?
i hate it when people teases me 99% of the time. i know i have a red nose. stop reminding me that and fuck off and die bitch.
i am a vain person who only wants people to praise me.
ah jiale you so smart. ah jiale you so pretty. lol superficial.
i know that it's useless wanting these stuffs.
i'm being so honest and truthful now huh. lol.
i know i need to change, i need to improve, i need to be fixed.
lee jia le, you can't wait for somebody to do that do you. you have to do that to yourself. you have to stand up and be strong. when you face setbacks, you cant be praying for someone to settle it for you, you have to do it yourself. when people blame you for something they did wrong, you can't just feel accused and let tears come to your eyes, you have to stand up for yourself and scold that person. when people accuses you, you have to stand up for yourself cause noone else will.
despite all your weaknesses, i know you are a kind, caring, soft-hearted, honest girl.
that's enough right?
that's really enough.
you dun have to be pretty dun have to be skinny dun have to be attractive.
i know you want confidence. build it up. you can do it. be proud of who you are. do what i always remind you to. convert your weaknesses into your strengths.
jiale, think of all the people that love you. some might stop loving you once they realised who you truly are. but at least papa and mummy will always be there. they are the people who will love you unconditionally.
now now, you have cried enough. stop those tears. it's already 11. let's go and prepare for work.
even when everyone in the world leaves you and lets you down. you still have yourself. please be continue to be brave and smile. remember to smile. remember remember to smile.
No comments:
Post a Comment