why do i keep feeling like i have forgotten how to be happy?
the last time when i was truly happy seemed so long ago.
every time i laugh and smile i find myself so fake.
what the fuck is wrong with me now?
i need to get out more and stop staying at home!?
probably.
i just mope around and make myself feel even worse.
if i ignore the fact that i am not happy, would i suddenly be happy again?
i feel like just screaming out loud.
i don't even feel like celebrating my birthday.
i have no idea what to do on my birthday you know.
actually, sometimes, i feel like nobody cares.
i should probably be the person who care about myself the most.
i can't expect everyone to have time to bother or care about me.
perhaps staying at home too much is making me crazy.
but then again, i don't wanna go out.
last night, tay asked me to just be myself.
i replied, i am no longer myself.
and i teared.
because somewhere deep inside me, it's so true that it breaks my own heart.
it breaks myself to see myself becoming like this.
i love myself you know.
and even if nobody cares, i can't stand looking at myself being like this.
so i get pissed.
and even i don't even know how to help myself.
then what do i do?
i want to put in some effort to make the change, but i don't know what to do.
how do i help myself? how do i go about doing it?
fuck it, should i really go see a shrink?
but fuck it, i don't have the money to.
lee jia le, get a grip on yourself.
what the fuck is wrong with you?
i forgot the real me.
i forgot how the real me is like.
i am in a state far worse than i was when i broke up with hh.
what the actual fuck.
i feel lonely.
for the first time in so fucking long, i feel so fucking lonely.
i never actually felt lonely even when i broke up w hh, even how he treated me.
but i feel so fucken lonely now.
i guess i need a purpose in life.
i am still searching for it.
what the fuck is my purpose.
what the fuck do i want in life?
lee jia le, what the fucking hell do you want?
i am really mad at you, you know.
you don't even know your own heart, then who else will?
all you know is cry cry cry.
cry your fucking head okay.
at least i know, the you from before, if she sees you from a third person's point of view, she will slap you, like seriously.
do something.
read more books.
stop doing things just to escape from reality and kill time so you don't have to face it.
jiale ah, you can do this.
jiale ah, i will be patient and you must be patient too.
we need to be patient together.
we must be patient you know.
we have been reckless and impulsive for far too long.
let us cultivate some patience in us kay.
we can do this.
okay calm down.
we will search for a goal together okay.
i will be there for you, every step of the way, i will be there.
you know i never lied to you and i never will.
we will go everywhere together.
if anything bad happens to you, i will be there to face it with you.
we will be embarrassed, awkward, scared, afraid together.
but we will also be brave, strong and eventually happy together.
deep breaths make you feel better right.
okay good.
we don't need anybody else in this world.
if they are in our lives, it's because we want them, but we don't need them okay.
it's okay if you are alone sometimes, you are never lonely.

thank you love,

honestly, that one line which you said 'i can't bear to see you go home alone again..' melted me, even though i was kind of reluctant to admit it.
somehow recently i feel so unloved.
i know you probably din mean anything but i somehow magnified every little negative emotion you unintentionally gave me.
you know, i just have to get them out of me before they grow out of proportions in my head.
still, thankful for your love.

my tears fell, as usual,

i was just bathing, merely bathing, and the scene of you lying in the mortuary flash pass my mind all of a sudden.
and my tears flowed and i just couldn't stop crying.
call me weak, but i don't know how to stop.
memories of you flew past and these are years of memories.
maybe one good thing of having a red nose is that when your nose gets super red from crying, nobody suspects.

you know,

sometimes i still catch myself in the downward spiraling thoughts of 'WHY!? HOW COULD THIS BE!? I DUN BELIEVE IT!?'
yea, it's the same old issue.
i wonder how long it would take me to walk out of this.
perhaps never?
since i expected us to still be together even after we become old grannies and gramps.
i guess it's the expectations i had which made me so so sooo hard to let go.
i just have to learn i suppose.

-

had a great night out with tay on last saturday.
we just walked and walked.
and talked and talked.
walked across the sentosa boardwalk and made him stand at the edge.
hahahaha scaring him was fun.
i love the breeze which had a salty taste.

oh yar, we saw the RSS intrepid which was parked at the side of vivo before we went on the boardwalk.
din know that you could actually board the ship D: but then again you need to buy tix so nehhh.
it was a military ship and a military(?) helicopter was parked on it.
ALL ALONG I THOUGHT THAT THE SHIP WAS FAKE.
cause it looks like they pasted grey vanguard sheets all over the ship.
or perhaps it's just the paint that looks fake hahahaha.
i even though that the person on it was fake.
cause there is this person who stood there for their sunset ceremonial and he stood there unmoving until suddenly the music for the ceremonial started to play hahahaha.
he kind of scared me when he started movingggg.
and i think it was really super awkward for him to just stand there cause everyone was taking photos of him and he wasn't exactly allowed to move hahah.

anw, when we walked till the end of the boardwalk we entered sentosa and tay just slipped through this gate for people to exit.
fml i was too humji so i paid the $1 hahahaha.
walked towards the SEA aquarium since we have never actually been there before.
it was already closed, but it's okay.
there were like sampan boats which i presume you can ride omgg i really wanna ride one.
went to this corner where there are benches and tables and just sat there.
stood by the railing facing the sea too. :)
it was nice like this, just purely enjoying each other's company.
i guess it had been far too long since i forgot about everything.
walked back to catch the crane dance show, since i have only watched it from outside of vivo hahaha.
missed the fireworks display cause of all the tall buildings but it was okay, the crane dance made up for it.
it was so beautiful and it was totally different from the previous time i watched it.
tay kept taking pictures and even took a video of it hahah.


i guess it's refreshing to just take a really long walk once in a while.

Letting go,

Actually it's rather easy to take on a peaceful mindset towards everything once you learnt how to let go.
You just have to rmb to acknowledge, smile, and forget it.
Suddenly i'm envious of adeline toh who forgets everything bad w her lousy memory haha.
But i guess now i can do it too, after realising that i have been too focused in staring at my feet stepping forward that all along i was just walking around in circles.
:)
Tranquility feels nice too.
Time to calm my mind and sleep.

Grateful for my very Best Friend,

i always thought that people would be afraid of me, once they realised that my world had become hell broken loose.
okay, those who are not as close might be really afraid, but those closer would probably not know how to deal with me anymore.
they don't know what to say to me, how to comfort me, how to make me feel better.
but guess what? my best friend is just different that way, to me at least.
he was so worried that i let the phone rang so long on mon night, cause i was in another room and din catch it at first.
at least no missed calls~
talked to him about all these emotional breakdown i thought he would be dumbfounded or speechless, but instead he just screamed at me as usual LOL.
'WHAT THE FUCK YOU ARE CRAZY EW I AM GONNA GET AWAY FROM YOU YOU NEED TO SEE A SHRINK OMG'
and that made me screamed back 'WHAT THE FUCK I ALSO THINK SO RIGHT SHOULD I GO SEE ONE AND SHUDDUP IF YOU RUN I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND KILL YOU AND STAB YOU MANY TIMES OKAY.'
hahaha instantly i felt so much better.
we were practically shouting at each other scolding each other over the phone hahahaha.
just like good old times.
why ah.
even during my most emo times you still can turn me back to who i really am.
or you are just too used to dealing w me crying and being an emo shit? HAHA.
complained and bitched about everything in the world as usual and what does he do with it?
instead of complaining w me or whatever, he teased me to no ends about it.
YOU SUCK. HAHA.



we went out on tue aka yesterday :D
caught the movie that i wanted to watch for the longestttttt time.
DIE HARD YO!
everytime i talk to him, i speak more vulgarities than usual, cause he scold them more than anyone else around me. hahahaha.

lunch after the movie.
we just sat at carl's junior.
shared our food.
i finished the burger and he was shocked when he saw me putting the big last bite into my mouth cause he thought i would leave him some.
but i thought it was all for me since he alr ate all the onions and other veggies which i dun like hehe.
and giving me the shiok-est part of the burger, the end which the mushroom and patty fall out with all the sauce yum yum.
talked and laughed reallllll loudly but we din really care.
slapped him hard and kept playing with his phone cause fuck it it's my dream SAMSUNG NOTE 2 OKAY.
though now i kind of changed my mind to samsung note 3 but if by then note 3 is too expensive i guess i still will take note 2 ahahahaha.

i just love squabbling and fighting with him muahahahahaha.
and doing boh liao things.
walked around and went to toysrus to play w toys lolol though i suggested it he seems to enjoy tooo.
and fol SO MANY COOL TOYS WHY KIDS NOWADAYS SO LUCKYYYY!?
aftwards we wanted to eat icecream at the same time oh the bestf chemistry LOLOL.
YAY TO ICE CREAM and more talking.

went to candy empire and looked around at all the sweets and was talking about how i used to eat the pushpops when i was in pri sch and he offered to buy me one hehehe.
couldn't decide between two flavours and he picked one for me and bought the other for me.
ended up he gave me both omggggg :') oh my bestf love you to bits okay hahahaha.
if no other girls wanna marry you in the future, i won't marry you either(i know you wun if it's the other way too so shudduppp) but i will give you some of my love at the very least kay HAHAHAHA.

we were supposed to have dinner at home but by the time we left it was already 7plus omg time really fliessssss.
sigh and my bestf really has the power to make me seem like a perfectly normal person.
tay whatsapped me aft our outing and when i replied, he asked me to go out w sebas more hahahaha guess even he can feel the difference in me through the text messages.
i am lucky to have my best friend yayyyy! ^^

This heart gripping pain,

A small part of my emotional breakdown is probably due to my pms,
But i know it is probably mostly due to you.
I din wanna admit it, because i have been pretending that i alr got over you.
Admitting it seems to be worse than just severe emotional breakdown,
It seems to be acknowledging the fact that my world is crumbling down to nothing.
And partly, is that i dun wanna blame this on you.
Scrolled through tumblr and then i saw this confession made by someone.
He or she said that his/her father passed on 10 years ago, and up till now, he/she haven got over it.
What if i am like that too?
I always thought the hardest part of my life was over.
But who knows there are even tougher times.
Tao, ahma has got dementia.
How? Din you say you wanna take care of her?
Now all the aunties and uncles have to take turns to accompany her.
The doctor says her mentality is that of a 2yo.
She will always need someone to be by her side.
Tao, why am i not strong?
I want to be strong, but my will is not helping.
I give up too easily.
I tried to spur myself on, and failed.
Now it seems like i wanna cry all day long.


Thank you sebas. For making me laugh geuninely.
I love screaming at someone just for fun, not because i am mad.
And we always screamed at each other calling each other names and asking each other to fuck off but we never got offended.
Thank you for you.
Thank you for listening me rant like mad though i kept repeating the same stuffs until i got all my points across and thank you for understanding me.
YOU ARE MY BFF AKA BEST FAT FRIEND MUAHAHAHAHA!!

The psychology of a murderer.

Maybe it's due to watching the cliff and walking dead recently,
Last night, i really wanted to stab someone to death.
I want to experience the feeling of cutting somebody open, slicing them and watching those wounds split open.
I guess now i can understand the psychology of a murderer.
I am going crazy.
The only thing i could do was to take my scissors and stab my bed.
I had to get this feeling out somehow.
People will be scared of me, then how?
Even i am scared of myself.
Let's all be scared then.
Put me in the mental hospital then.
I probably need some help, though i really dun want it to be an excuse.
At that moment, i dun really care about anyone.
What if one day i really did kill someone and enjoyed it?
I dont know.
I guess being too miserable gets you so mad that you literally go mad.
Waiting for sebas to get off work for a chat.
Hope he can save me.
Cant wait for 9pm.

jonghyun's tweets.

you know, i have always felt especially close to jonghyun, especially when we have the same birthday.
i always felt like we were very much similar.
you know how they always predict and talk about your character on your birthday, and since we share the same one, then we are probably quite quite similar.

i can relate to him so much.

my mum still mocks me for watching animes and cartoons.

they are what which give me so much hope and belief.

i love imaginative stuffs.

it reminds me of the movie i watched last night - 'Oz, the Great and the Powerful'

it's like half real people half animation, and i simply loved it.

its lines touched me so much.

seeing what jjong wrote makes me feel like i am not alone.

and i will have more hope in this world then.

you are not just an idol, but so much more to me.

thank you for your determination and effort.

seeing you putting in so much hard work makes me feel guilty sometimes and i would want to work towards my goals too, though i dun really know how to get about doing it.

thank you kim jong hyun.

i love you :)

my lifelong goal,

my lifelong goal was to be happy.
and i guess i am not very happy now.
and idek what i want.
money?
money will make me happy i guess haha.
cause it's one of the things which is making me unhappy now.
material goods?
yea that's the reason why i want money for.
do food count as material goods?
yes no?
it's a necessity?
then what about luxury food?
are they luxury or a necessity?
you prefer eating nasty food for survival or good food for enjoyment?
the latter i suppose.
what else would make me happy?
if the people around me are happy?
yes that would really make me happy.
sick of you thinking that my attitude sucks.
i'm really sick of it.
and guess what?
because in your opinion, i am a bitch w a fucking attitude, then i am going to act just like one in front of you.
if you find me good, i will be good.
yes they are all me, just different sides of me.
it's not that i am acting, but it's what you expect to see in me, and therefore you see it, cause subconsciously you are looking to see that side of me.
it's not completely my fault, for it takes two hands to clap.
and i'm not saying that i'm completely not to be blamed.
yesterday clara caught me giving a black face.
when she asked me what happened, i told her nothing happened.
it's true, nothing happened, but i guess i forgot to continue wearing the mask which covers up my negativity.
sorry my love, it was not on purpose.
and you girls are still one of the few people that can make me forget about unhappiness.
thank you my girls.

you know, i feel like crying every time i look at past photos, the photos taken before everything negative started happening.
i feel like crying 'cause i feel like i can never go back to the times of happiness.
i stare at the photos, looking at my own smiles, and i know they are as true as it can be, for i get reminded of that level of happiness then.
i felt like everything was perfect, and my happiness was just bursting out.
now, it seemed like even my happiness has a limit, i can only be this happy, nothing more.
and that happiness is so insignificant as compared to the past.
my happiness went away, it died.
i need to recover it.
i need some time.
this is not the life i want.
jiale, strive harder then.
just work harder.
but how?
when i am stuck here, until my studies is over.
i really want to work, i want my own career.
or more so, i want to earn money for myself.
i dun want to live off anyone anymore.
people think that working sucks, but not to me, as long as i get some money.
if i have money, i would have some say.
i would be able to buy many things for my family.
i would be able to ask my dad to quit smoking since i am the breadwinner of the family now.
i would be the head of the family.
i would be able to have my own room, my own private space.
i would be able to renovate my house, give my family a better home.
i would be able to do so many fucking things then.
one big main reason why i dun want to continue w my studies.
i feel like it's adhering w me getting on w my life.

Yet another sleepless night..

Insomnia? Guess not.
It's probably the negative thoughts consuming me. Again.
Lying down while hugging my captain. Doesn't work.
Clearly know that it's bad, it's detrimental to dwell. So what?
Saying i can't help it and giving in. Just wanna give up.
Why do i have the wish of waking up dead?
Told myself, 'as long as idk that i'm dead.'
Laughed and smiled as usual, maybe not exactly as usual, but i was amazed.
It's pathetic, or even worse, being amazed at your own ability to laugh and smile.
If you really mean to cover up, you can actually do a pretty good job.
Pitying yourself is one of the most pathetic things in this world, and is this what i am doing to myself now?
If only i can slap myself awake, but how do i so? When i am the one who jumped in this black hole?
I thought i will finally get through it, but there was a twist in the outcome.
Jiale, what are you thinking?
Can you tell me?
But how do i do so? When me myself dun even know?

You are not sensitive enough, not attentive enough.
You dun understand me enough.
I have been trying so hard in aiding you to understand me.
But no you still dun get it, cause you arent really trying.
Since it's like this, then what's the point?
Some people are really a joke.
You have no real friends?
Ever wondered why you always lose friends?
It's not that you are suay or what, the fucking problem just lies w you.
You are that fucking problem.
Cherish people around you?
Eh please leh you telling a joke ah? HA HA HA not funny leh.
Wait till you get a boyf alr you confirm lose all your friends one.
And you dun always think ppl talk about you can?
I know a lot of people one leh.

Talking abt random people so.. up to you to decide who lah horh.
Super cranky now.
Step abit and i confirm blow you up into bits of the bits.
Dun talk to me, talk to my hand.

looking back,

i saw some older pictures taken earlier when i was significantly happier.
remembered that i said that i would post up pictures taken at gardens by the bay but i never did..
went there on 15dec last year.
so here they are, mainly a picture spam,

our ticket!

while we were outside walking in,

yes it was a rainy day~

a waterfall greets us as we enter one of the domes~ can't rmb which one heh.

my godma aka my third aunt~

we are so short......

very pretty flowers! the pictures don't really do them justice :(

so we saw a bench and......

i told him to act as if we were strangers.. the bench wasn't long enough to do so.. D:

i love furry things! and trees!

we went with my extended family on our maternal side,

entering the other dome,

this is so simple and yet so pretty.

okay end of story, bye.