why do i keep feeling like i have forgotten how to be happy?
the last time when i was truly happy seemed so long ago.
every time i laugh and smile i find myself so fake.
what the fuck is wrong with me now?
i need to get out more and stop staying at home!?
probably.
i just mope around and make myself feel even worse.
if i ignore the fact that i am not happy, would i suddenly be happy again?
i feel like just screaming out loud.
i don't even feel like celebrating my birthday.
i have no idea what to do on my birthday you know.
actually, sometimes, i feel like nobody cares.
i should probably be the person who care about myself the most.
i can't expect everyone to have time to bother or care about me.
perhaps staying at home too much is making me crazy.
but then again, i don't wanna go out.
last night, tay asked me to just be myself.
i replied, i am no longer myself.
and i teared.
because somewhere deep inside me, it's so true that it breaks my own heart.
it breaks myself to see myself becoming like this.
i love myself you know.
and even if nobody cares, i can't stand looking at myself being like this.
so i get pissed.
and even i don't even know how to help myself.
then what do i do?
i want to put in some effort to make the change, but i don't know what to do.
how do i help myself? how do i go about doing it?
fuck it, should i really go see a shrink?
but fuck it, i don't have the money to.
lee jia le, get a grip on yourself.
what the fuck is wrong with you?
i forgot the real me.
i forgot how the real me is like.
i am in a state far worse than i was when i broke up with hh.
what the actual fuck.
i feel lonely.
for the first time in so fucking long, i feel so fucking lonely.
i never actually felt lonely even when i broke up w hh, even how he treated me.
but i feel so fucken lonely now.
i guess i need a purpose in life.
i am still searching for it.
what the fuck is my purpose.
what the fuck do i want in life?
lee jia le, what the fucking hell do you want?
i am really mad at you, you know.
you don't even know your own heart, then who else will?
all you know is cry cry cry.
cry your fucking head okay.
at least i know, the you from before, if she sees you from a third person's point of view, she will slap you, like seriously.
do something.
read more books.
stop doing things just to escape from reality and kill time so you don't have to face it.
jiale ah, you can do this.
jiale ah, i will be patient and you must be patient too.
we need to be patient together.
we must be patient you know.
we have been reckless and impulsive for far too long.
let us cultivate some patience in us kay.
we can do this.
okay calm down.
we will search for a goal together okay.
i will be there for you, every step of the way, i will be there.
you know i never lied to you and i never will.
we will go everywhere together.
if anything bad happens to you, i will be there to face it with you.
we will be embarrassed, awkward, scared, afraid together.
but we will also be brave, strong and eventually happy together.
deep breaths make you feel better right.
okay good.
we don't need anybody else in this world.
if they are in our lives, it's because we want them, but we don't need them okay.
it's okay if you are alone sometimes, you are never lonely.