my lifelong goal,

my lifelong goal was to be happy.
and i guess i am not very happy now.
and idek what i want.
money?
money will make me happy i guess haha.
cause it's one of the things which is making me unhappy now.
material goods?
yea that's the reason why i want money for.
do food count as material goods?
yes no?
it's a necessity?
then what about luxury food?
are they luxury or a necessity?
you prefer eating nasty food for survival or good food for enjoyment?
the latter i suppose.
what else would make me happy?
if the people around me are happy?
yes that would really make me happy.
sick of you thinking that my attitude sucks.
i'm really sick of it.
and guess what?
because in your opinion, i am a bitch w a fucking attitude, then i am going to act just like one in front of you.
if you find me good, i will be good.
yes they are all me, just different sides of me.
it's not that i am acting, but it's what you expect to see in me, and therefore you see it, cause subconsciously you are looking to see that side of me.
it's not completely my fault, for it takes two hands to clap.
and i'm not saying that i'm completely not to be blamed.
yesterday clara caught me giving a black face.
when she asked me what happened, i told her nothing happened.
it's true, nothing happened, but i guess i forgot to continue wearing the mask which covers up my negativity.
sorry my love, it was not on purpose.
and you girls are still one of the few people that can make me forget about unhappiness.
thank you my girls.

you know, i feel like crying every time i look at past photos, the photos taken before everything negative started happening.
i feel like crying 'cause i feel like i can never go back to the times of happiness.
i stare at the photos, looking at my own smiles, and i know they are as true as it can be, for i get reminded of that level of happiness then.
i felt like everything was perfect, and my happiness was just bursting out.
now, it seemed like even my happiness has a limit, i can only be this happy, nothing more.
and that happiness is so insignificant as compared to the past.
my happiness went away, it died.
i need to recover it.
i need some time.
this is not the life i want.
jiale, strive harder then.
just work harder.
but how?
when i am stuck here, until my studies is over.
i really want to work, i want my own career.
or more so, i want to earn money for myself.
i dun want to live off anyone anymore.
people think that working sucks, but not to me, as long as i get some money.
if i have money, i would have some say.
i would be able to buy many things for my family.
i would be able to ask my dad to quit smoking since i am the breadwinner of the family now.
i would be the head of the family.
i would be able to have my own room, my own private space.
i would be able to renovate my house, give my family a better home.
i would be able to do so many fucking things then.
one big main reason why i dun want to continue w my studies.
i feel like it's adhering w me getting on w my life.