AFTER THAT DEPRESSING POST HOURS AGO, IT IS NOW TIME FOR JIALE'S MOTIVATING POST AGAIN!!!!
lee jia le, oh yes you can do this, you know you can do this.
and then i feel very sweet by clara xueli and cheryl who texted me to cheer me on for the last lap of my papers :* kisses for all of you teehee.
LEE JIA LE ALL THE INFO ARE ACTUALLY IN YOUR BRAIN.
NOW YOU JUST NEED TO LOCK THEM IN AND NOT LET THEM FLOW OUT.
OH YES!!!
CHIONG AND READ AND THEN MEMORISE KEY POINTS AND THE GENERAL FLOW CAN ALR.
DUN NEED TO FORCE YOURSELF TOO MUCH LAH HONESTLY.
IT'S NOTHING MUCH!
THO YOU ALSO TOT NOTHING MUCH OF IT LAST YEAR AND THEN FAILED THIS MOD LOL BUT THEN IT IS REALLY NOTHING SINCE YOU ONLY FAILED BY 2 MARKS THO IT IS STILL QUITE CHAM BUT THEN AGAIN YOUR ASSIGNMENTS AND PAPERS FOR OTIA GET NOT BAD DE MARKS WHAT!!
compared to last year's where you failed like most of it LOL.
so you definitely can do it this time lah.
as long as you squeeze in all those information into your big brain.
yep you have a big brain.
so lucky leh you unlike those people who have tiny pea bird brain.
yours is as huge as the earth.
I SIBEI ENVIOUS OF YOU YOU KNOW NOT.
okay good job you have succeeded in motivating yourself.
NOW GO AND STUDY!
FIGHT AH
HWAITING AH
I AM SMARTER THAN YOU LOL JUST KIDDING BUT NO REALLY LOL OKAY BYE.

why do i feel so fucking sad these few days?
fucking pissed at myself for feeling so fucking sad.
fuck fuck fuck fuck.
i am a very vulgar person in reality LOL.
okay FUCKK THIS SHITTT.
fucking hell.
i am damn pissed now.
fuck you and you and you.
fuck school fuck studies fuck work.
fuck fuck fuck.
scolding more fucks should help me feel better.
so i shall FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKKKKK.
FUCKERRRR.
FUCKING HELLLLL.
SO ANGRY AT YOU I MEAN ME YES ME.
FUCK why you so sad. WHAT HAPPEN TO MAKE YOU FEEL SAD HUH.
YOU DUN EVEN KNOW WHY YOU FEEL SAD THEN WHY THE FUCK DO YOU FEEL SO SAD.
YOU WANT TO CRY AND THEN RUIN MY NOTES HUH IS IT!?!?
I USE INKY PEN WRITE NOT BALLPOINT PEN YOU KNOW.
WHEN THE INK TOUCH WATER MEANS WHAT HUH!?
YES THE INK WILL SMUDGE YOU STUPID MFUCKERRRRRRRR.
AND THEN I SPEND SO MUCH TIME TO WRITE NICELY AND ALL FOR WHAT!?
IT WILL ALL GO TO WASTE EVEN THO AFT TML THEY WILL STILL GO TO WASTE BUT NOT NOWWWW.
YOU BETTER NOT SLEEP TONIGHT FOR MAKING ME MOPE AROUND TODAY TO FINISH MEMORISING ALL THE FUCKING NOTES.
bloody hell.
cry simi cry.
who do you think you are to cry.
you think you have the right to cry huh.
who say you can cry.
did i say you can cry.
what? who die?
oh someone did die?
is it more than three months ago?
yes?
okay means you shld fucking get your grip and stop this fucking shit.
fuck you and your pms and your emotions okay.
who gives a shit?
i don't.
so fuck you and fuck off.
i don't really need you around.
i REALLY don't want to see you.
fuck offffffff.
now i am too busy to deal with you okay.
seriously.
please stop.
should i beg?
i beg you to go.
leave me alone.
i don't want to see you.
i don't want to go on like this.
please.
leave.
you are not making me happy.
i only want someone who makes me happy.
you only remind me how useless i am.
you only remind me how worthless i am.
you don't make me feel appreciated.
you don't make me feel interesting.
you don't make me feel like i am worth any of your effort or time.
so go, just go.
you don't even make me feel special anymore.
i want to be unique and special.
i want to own a special place in your heart in my heart.
i feel like a nobody when i desperately want to be somebody.
i don't need to be known around the world.
i just want you to show me off to the world.
to be proud of me.
i want to be proud of me.
i want to smile and then show me and say confidently hi i am me.
and this is who i am.
and i am proud to be who i am.
and i am so very wonderful you know.
but i can't.
because of you.
because of you useless shit.
so fuck off.
without you i will be so much better.
i am not bipolar, i don't want to be bipolar.
i can be so much better if i don't have you.
you are always dragging me down.
you are this burden i have.
YES YOU ARE A FUCKING BURDEN.
fuck you.
all you know is do all the shitty things.
i am damn pissed alr.
and then you just lie there and cry.
i am fucking sick of this alr.
what is the fucking problem?
what is your fucking problem?
i have a fucking problem with you right now.
and i want you to go.
zao yes zao.
fucking zao.
you are being awkward now.
i hate you being awkward.
why are you awkward when you are with me.
you are the awkwardest when you are with your closest people and thats fucking weird okay.
because of you i have become this fake happy bubble thing and i am used to laughing at every single little thing but because of you standing there and watching me and judging me i start to doubt myself if it is right to be happy.
i fucking hate you lah.
why don't you fuck off and die.
i don't want to see you anymore.
i really don't.
FUCKER.

i need someone, to go to the rocks by the beach with me.
and let us sit, back to back, while enjoying the breeze.
no phones, no electronic devices, maybe only to take some photos.
no pressure to fill up the silence that lies between us.
let us just stay there for the whole day.
i need the sea breeze to take away this sorrow and grief i have been keeping far too long in me.
and i need a comfort with me.
someone to give me some sort of sense of security.
so i wouldn't overthink like i always do when i am alone.
i wouldn't want too many people either.
just one person will do.
and then, i don't know who to find.
because i might need someone who is as unhappy as that part of me is.
or perhaps someone who'd understand.
but then again i don't know who would want to go out on a boring date with me with no words just sea breezes.
lol.
there must be something to do to let go of this.
i want to let go now.
i want to let you go now.
i don't want to spend any more time thinking what could have been.
i want to scream all my goodbyes to you and then truly mean it.
i want to be able to smile and no longer feel guilty by it.
i need to solve this problem, and i need some salty sea breeze to correspond and bring away my salty tears.

got this sudden urge to cry... yes again....
probably because i know i am not doing what i want right now..
i want to be working on projects and events and be busy and run around checking that everything is alright.
erm a weird thing to want to do but that's what i want to do even though i haven't really done it before yet i guess.
but yet that's what i really want to do, watching as the event kick off.
or even working as a team, trying to complete the tasks on hand.
i don't know.
all i know is, this is not what i want to do now.
this is not what i aim to do.
i don't even know what i am studying for anymore.
for a degree? yea a degree.
maybe i don't really want a degree.
oh this is not about what i want? then what is it about?
i am gonna be the one to dictate my own life isn't it? :/
or maybe all i wanna do is to travel around the world, and go on a forever working holiday.
just working and integrating into others' culture, and then exploring earth and see beautiful sights that nature bring to us... even though it's hard, even though i am expected to provide for my family in the near future.
it's so weird.
i guess i don't want to build up a career.
i don't really want to have a company or whatever.
my dad's dream is to have a big house for everyone to live in.
i want to fulfill his dream, but i want to fulfill mine too.
and mine is to experience all kinds of things in this world.
i don't want to have any regrets, i want to do all kinds of things that is to be done in this world.
i want to try farming, bungee jumping, parachuting, working as all kinds of jobs.
honestly, i wouldn't mind working as a dishwasher, though not forever, because i want to build life, not a career.
i want to try film-making, try dancing, try all kinds of musical instruments, though i would probably have to pick them up on my own.
tuesday.
after tuesday i need to make some kind of change.
let's hope i am brave enough to take that step.
i hope.

WHAT IS FEAR

Fear, jiale, can only be experienced when one pretends they're not in control.   Scary, huh?     The Universe

I have been so cooped up in my own emotions that i forgot to take a step back to look at the bigger picture.

I have been analysing every little thing with my petty feelings that i forgot to enjoy the moment.

I have been way too overcame by fear that I failed to regconise it.

I am too afraid of the unknown that I haven't been willing to step up more.

and, now, what i need to do is to finish my revision and own that paper next tue and then start planning what i want to do during the holidays.

work and tour.

:)

though i recently have been inclined to go on a working holiday... and on the other hand i might plan to go next year aft my studies so i can go for a longer period of time.

but it seems like i would have a lot of things in singapore that i will need to settle.

oh whatever it will be alright in the end i believe it will, so for now i just need to focus on my short-term goals before i think of the long-term ones.

and i need to stop letting my emotions get the best of me.......

i need to get a grip and control.

yes i control my life, i control what happens to me, i control to be happy or sad, i control them all.

thou shalt be grateful.

the crying spell is here.

Sometimes I just want to bawl my eyes out.
And idek why do I feel like crying.
Is this the pms? Yep maybe.
Why? Am I feeling sad?
There some weird emotions out tonight.
I am thinking of all the what ifs and endless probabilities.
Who am I to you?
What kind of person am I to you?
For starters I am a living contradiction.
I am practical on some but can be super unrealistic too.
Perhaps I just need someone who knows me well enough to know that when I scream just hold me tight to calm me down.
Someone who knows how to react to all my dramatic responses, and not look at me like crazy.
Knowing me so well that dancing like a mad person and singing with crazy hand actions are normal.
Skipping instead of walking and doing random modern dances or ballet twirls are just ways of entertaining myself, instead of amusing others.
I need someone to know me more than me.
And I love it when people say it's so you and I totally get that.
And it happened a few times recently.
Esp when sebas sent me a pic of a cap that he thinks it's ugly but knows I'd like it for some reason and I do love it and I love him even more for buying it for me lolol tho it's expensive tho he doesn't think so.
I tot I am already someone who is unable to hide and shows all emotions and expressions on my face.
I cant even lie comfortably.
And I loathed the way friends tend to think I am one that is easily understandable but I guess I just kinda have to admit and accept it.
I am not the mysterious kind of person and I never will be.
There's still so much abt life to learn from.
And these are just random thoughts I am just rambling about there is no flow or link.
When life gets mundane, when it becomes a routine.
What is life really?
Do we want to always live in that order?
Dont we want to break out of it?
Why do we allow ourselves to fall into the neverending cycle?
Yes I am selfish and mean, because I do think that to a certain extent I am the most important person to me. Afterall I am the only one staying w me fron the start till the end.
I dun want to be in this cycle, even tho I have my family to take care of and I can't exactly just abandon them and leave without worries.
I want to move out of here out of the country but this means stepping out of the comfort zone and walking into the dark. Can I be selfish enough to live on my own?
Can I not worry about everyone else that I am leaving behind?
I feel guulty for growing old, for being happy even.
I dont want to feel bad for being happy. How do I not?
I have no clue. This is all so frustrating.
These thoughts are annoying. They just surge into my mind and then whirl it like some mashed up crazy thing and then I just sit there and let it happen for stopping it will only be a waste of energy.
I dk what I want and what I need anymore.
Do I want you or the idea of you?
Do I still need you or am I cant be bothered?
You are already out of my life but why do I feel so bad?
You can't come back anym but can I see you when it's my turn to leave?
There are always questions left unanswered and probably these are what makes the future interesting.
I ought not to talk abt any depressing matters lest I become overly negative. This is enough for tonight may I rest well and have a good dream.

HI

gimme a few minutes break from studying as i type this post....
it's very likely that i am just not gonna sleep tonight because i dun think the formulas are going to remain in my brain after a trip to lalaland :(
plus i am still in the process of persuading them to stay in my brain like just for one morning until 1pm later, and then i will release them onto my answer sheets where they belong.
sigh.
and i have been writing like mad these past days and i only came here to tell you my conclusion about being a student.
a student is an occupation alright, because there are occupation hazards to it.
first, your face just looks like shit, yep.
and then your fingers or anywhere on your hand that puts pressure on that pen you are holding becomes incredibly red and swollen. AND it hurts. so much.
and those areas become dry and the skin becomes flaky and then you try to put on some hand cream which totally works against your occupation because how can you hold the pen as it just squirms and slips in your hands.
TSKKKKK.
i only have myself to blame that i have one more year after this.
at the very least i have a lot more time to study.
okay.
maybe it's not that great a thing because you tend to procrastinate.. a little.. maybe more than a little..
whatever i am back to my pen and practice qns and pyps even tho i can feel my brain cells floating around already..
well, as you know, gotta catch 'em all!
i mean my brain cells.
kbye.

When a man is caught for lying, the smart thing to do is confess right away, or after two, maximum three, times of denying. Because once you are caught, there is no way you are getting out of this.
And don't think that those lies that aren't exposed are safe, because it may be your women who are pretending not to know.
And your women may be unwilling to break up with you because she has yet to find the next man. As 'you can't go shopping for new shoes barefooted' right?

Lololol. Things I learnt from watching incarnation and I have to say some are quite true but mostly I was just enjoying myself watching gd and daesung :D
watched this ep a year ago but since they are replaying it again.. dk why they stopped this show :( bring it backkkkk!!

sometimes i miss you a little bit, and tonight it's a little more than usual.
i don't think of you everyday, and i don't miss you everyday but tonight it's a little stronger.
i am sorry and perhaps it was fate or it was me.
i hope you are doing well, and take care.
hope you have gone to somewhere good.
i will never forget about you.

there are things i want to say.
but i dk how to.
when i dun even know how i feel.
goodnight.