the crying spell is here.

Sometimes I just want to bawl my eyes out.
And idek why do I feel like crying.
Is this the pms? Yep maybe.
Why? Am I feeling sad?
There some weird emotions out tonight.
I am thinking of all the what ifs and endless probabilities.
Who am I to you?
What kind of person am I to you?
For starters I am a living contradiction.
I am practical on some but can be super unrealistic too.
Perhaps I just need someone who knows me well enough to know that when I scream just hold me tight to calm me down.
Someone who knows how to react to all my dramatic responses, and not look at me like crazy.
Knowing me so well that dancing like a mad person and singing with crazy hand actions are normal.
Skipping instead of walking and doing random modern dances or ballet twirls are just ways of entertaining myself, instead of amusing others.
I need someone to know me more than me.
And I love it when people say it's so you and I totally get that.
And it happened a few times recently.
Esp when sebas sent me a pic of a cap that he thinks it's ugly but knows I'd like it for some reason and I do love it and I love him even more for buying it for me lolol tho it's expensive tho he doesn't think so.
I tot I am already someone who is unable to hide and shows all emotions and expressions on my face.
I cant even lie comfortably.
And I loathed the way friends tend to think I am one that is easily understandable but I guess I just kinda have to admit and accept it.
I am not the mysterious kind of person and I never will be.
There's still so much abt life to learn from.
And these are just random thoughts I am just rambling about there is no flow or link.
When life gets mundane, when it becomes a routine.
What is life really?
Do we want to always live in that order?
Dont we want to break out of it?
Why do we allow ourselves to fall into the neverending cycle?
Yes I am selfish and mean, because I do think that to a certain extent I am the most important person to me. Afterall I am the only one staying w me fron the start till the end.
I dun want to be in this cycle, even tho I have my family to take care of and I can't exactly just abandon them and leave without worries.
I want to move out of here out of the country but this means stepping out of the comfort zone and walking into the dark. Can I be selfish enough to live on my own?
Can I not worry about everyone else that I am leaving behind?
I feel guulty for growing old, for being happy even.
I dont want to feel bad for being happy. How do I not?
I have no clue. This is all so frustrating.
These thoughts are annoying. They just surge into my mind and then whirl it like some mashed up crazy thing and then I just sit there and let it happen for stopping it will only be a waste of energy.
I dk what I want and what I need anymore.
Do I want you or the idea of you?
Do I still need you or am I cant be bothered?
You are already out of my life but why do I feel so bad?
You can't come back anym but can I see you when it's my turn to leave?
There are always questions left unanswered and probably these are what makes the future interesting.
I ought not to talk abt any depressing matters lest I become overly negative. This is enough for tonight may I rest well and have a good dream.