maybe I have been heading out too much and talking to too much people that I really cannot stand so many things or maybe it's just me being pissed at everything and sometimes I do see things quite clearly but I choose to oversee it and do you even care how I am feeling right now? maybe it's just pms grr my abdomen has been hurting like a bitch since forever and sometimes I feel like I can never be myself because I laugh way too much, more than I am actually laughing. I laugh regardless of which emotion I am actually feeling argh it's just so fucking annoying. fuck this shit okay bye.

I really want a staycation very badly.. in one of those beautiful boutique hotels..
even though what I really want is to take a bath in those standalone bathtubs there lolol.

randomz but this shall be one of my goal woohoo!

There is this thing chewing and eating me up inside out.

a very heavy heart.

so much on my mind and perhaps i just want to throw everything away.

maybe i should give myself a break.

我还抱着什么样的期待?
我现在在做什么?
我是真正的快乐吗?
我记得什么, 不记得什么?
眨一眼是否就可以当作一切没发生, 还是它会狠狠地把我重复摔了又摔?
我冷漠的眼神, 不削的态度又在说明什么?
我累了吗?
我还可以撐多久?
我是在挑战自己的限度吗?
有点想放手却不愿这样松手。
我真的累了。

two not related topics in one post meep.

Getting sick of social media.
can this be an illness even?
sick of people trying to get attention and sick of myself trying to be that kind of person.
i mean, everyone wants some sort of attention.
but, idk anymore.
and the lies being told on social media are just snowballing.
luckily i have a sherlock spirit in me whereby i like to double check almost every 'factual' article i come across.
for people who cannot be bothered to check the facts, they are helping in the spreading of lies.
uh huh.
open your eyes people!!!

---

I want to do something.
And I am still in this journey of discovering what exactly I want to do.
I kind of have an idea, and I am kind of trying to discover more things that I love.
and that's kind of fun, I mean, being on this journey with myself.
Occasionally, I have some rest stops where my friends are there with me for dinners/suppers.
I've been actually feeling very worthwhile these past weeks because I have been meeting up people and of course, also working at IT shows for two consecutive weeks.
and for now, I am loving what I am doing, even if some aspects of the things I hope to achieve is not going very well hahahaha.
at least I am somehow heading out every single day so yayers to that! :D
I am a naturally happy person and yep I will strive to always be happy!
GO GO GO!

I should let myself cry again; instead of trying so hard to hold them back.
What for? seriously.
How much so I'd like to point at you and say, 'You don't understand. You really don't.', because you don't.
How much so I'd hope that you could give me the reassurances and the reliability that I need.
I feel like I have leaped in the past few years, and you are still there, in that same spot.
Come closer to me, I really really want you to be so much closer to me.... even if I am trying so hard to push you back at the same time.
It's a dilemma, a double-edged sword.
I am killing myself.

recently, my mind is in a mess.

or it might have been so for some time.

i have been waiting, for some kind of miracle to happen, for some kind of something to happen and tell me that whatever happened didn't happen.

i am not very good at accepting things as it is.

i am only good at leaving everything behind.

there is a very muddled line between i want to and i should.

because i don't know anymore, if 'i want to' and 'i should' is the same at all.

i don't even know if i am happy anymore.

what i know is i flare up a lot more now lol.

and my patience is dwindling.

they say love is supposed to be nourishing and helps you to grow.

but what if it is not anymore?

this is the question i seek to answer, and i might be throwing myself into the depths of fire by doing so....

okay, goodnight.

i am constantly looking for excitement and adventures, and are only interested in things that i find interesting.
this means that i am easily wavered, easily distracted, easily influenced too.
it is gonna take so much more to stay and commit in a place.
and i guess it's my problem.
not anyone's, but mine.
not a very forgiving person i am, even if i am kind of a forgetful person.
i can forget things, but i will never forget how you make me feel.
and that will just last forever.
i may not always tell you how i feel, because it might be minor at the start, but as it builds up, and you don't notice it, then that's when things get serious.
maybe i should just stop thinking about it and think about more positive things.
but you know, there are always times when negativity just penetrates you.
i will be fine.
i will do great.
that's what i can tell myself, for now.