i need to stop coming here when i feel dejected so i would no longer feel so down everytime i come here.
it totally defeats the purpose of using this blog url right.
thinking too much is really detrimental.
i need some pill that can stop me from overthinking.
some relaxant maybe? haha.
am i becoming depressed?
or have i always been depressed?
always easily irritable.
or is it just that my menses are here so i couldn't control those evil hormones from wrecking me inside out?
so annoying annoying.
i am annoying.
i think of myself and wonder why i do the things i do.
uh huh.
i should probably create another blog to put all those negative emotions inside so this blog will be able to keep its little amount of happiness left.
the only happy part is our happy faces on the left sidebar.
okay no there are more happiness to it.
let's go i know i can do this. i have to do this.

forgive to release yourself.
it's been hard on you.
release all those grudge you have been bearing.
live the carefree life.
you can do it, i believe in you.
stop being hard on you.
it's not about them, but yourself.
remember, it's you.
let it go, let it go.
nobody cares or even knows about the grudge that you hold.
so there is no point anymore.
you are the only one flipping it over and over again in your head.
so what's the point?
let it go, let it go.
set yourself free, so you can smile genuinely again.

i wish i have more trust.
it's tough to not be able to trust.
is it because i am unable to trust myself?
yes i havent started studying... kbye.

i need to actually start doing things..
for starters, i shall go off to do some studying.
kay bye.

Young, wild and free.

Broke a few my of virginities ytd.
I ate a cherry for the first time (yes dun judge),
I kind of smoked a puff though I din breathe it in like I am supposed to and it tasted bitter and horrible (yes dun judge either lol and I am not sure if I will try a second time w the breathing in part but yea),
I took a motorbike ride (and screamed everytime shannon perry accelerated ohmy the adrenaline rush is no joke. One word: shiok!).
I thought I had done more first times but for now I cant rmb much.
Might be the alcohol (not much tho) or company but I kind of enjoyed myself and letting myself be wild and free.
Haven't screamed for some time because I was having so much fun (on the bike and also swing where arvin and I had a competition hahahah).
Super full with our zichar by the sea and it was so great just enjoying the sea breeze (not the freezing gale we were facing at ecp ahahaha).
Lying on top of monkey bars to read stars (astronomy kids hehe) and finding north south east west haha.
It reminded me of the times when I was younger when my dad would bring me downstairs almost every night to the park and just lie on the benches and watch the stars and chat.
Tho we have our dear (kind of) disabled tay it was great to have him leaning on me and needing my support (physically) so much for the first time.
Ah another first time there.
:') it was a great night nevertheless.
Thankful for his friends who included me so much and even in the trip they wanted to plan. :')

food for thought

Read an article online, and sdnly find that older guys are not that bad afterall.
Maybe not alllll older guys, but those more mature and dun see fooling around as a hobby anymore.
When I say older, I dun mean like one, two yrs older. Perhaps at least 5 yrs older?
Someone who has seen much of this world and would look at 'me' (hypothetically) seriously.
He would teach me about this world and what he experienced.
He would know what it is like to go through everything, happy or not.
He has gone through enough to know that communication and personal interaction with people around him is of utmost importance.
He would know when to say no, and hold onto his countless principles because he just knows what is right or wrong.
Preferably, this man would have the patience to show me what he have got to know from this world.
Hmmmmmm okay this sounds like having a dad. Tho you are more likely to listen to your boyf over your dad.
Hmmm okay im a little disgusted to continue.
Anyway not talking abt me because I like to be the one in control.
Sorry but I must be the one dominant in the relationship lolol.
Okay bye.

listening to those old songs you used to listen and let those memories and emotions flow through your whole body from head to toe.
singing them out loud and not caring about the world for a moment.
i like this.

my journey.

Running w tay last night and I got overloaded w so much thoughts that I din have the mood to continue anymore.
He continued the run alone and I started to ponder while enjoying the alone time.
I started thinking on this journey of mine.
The journey of life.
I have no idea exactly how long I have left in front of me, and I just keep walking.
Maybe I should do some meaningful stuffs here and there but what is meaning?
Isn't it just smth intangible that people hold onto to be hopeful?
I started searching inside, the deepest layers.
How do you really feel?
I realised I am someone very bad at expressing myself, but I keep trying anyway.
And I hate silence, I need some noise or smth all the time.
I wonder what it be like if we made different choices.
I talk to myself a lot, I reenact scenes that happened and think of the things I should have said or did instead, smtimes in public.
And then I get dirty looks from people and realise that I have been acting out the whole time, facial expressions included.
Retarded but I kind of like this kind of interactions w myself.
I will be great in the future.

HAPPY MOMENTS.

okay not that i have any to share as of now......
okay no actually i think i definitely do feel happy every now and then.....
but does it seem so small and insignificant that i no longer want to write them down?
i rmb smth happy happened, and tay said i could write this down and feed my happiness monster, and that's when i rmb this project of mine.
and i forgot to review it at the end of 2013.
but what i know clearly, is that i failed to continue feeding it after the first half of the year...
yes i am guilty of that..
should i start over anew?
yes i should.
i am gonna fill it up with happy moments again, and also to count more blessings.
i am very blessed, yes i know i am very blessed.
i am very blessed to be able to live in this world, and having many things that others merely dreamed of.
i am very blessed to have so many people loving me, despite me going cray cray sometimes.
i am very blessed to have all the materialistic things i have.
i will continue to be grateful, and persist in the choices i make.
even though idk what to do in life, what i want from life, what i love and what i dislike, i will continue moving on and explore.
yes explore is the word.
explore more and more and more, experience more things, and discover new interests.
yup.
i will do that.
please cheer me on from behind, i know you will. :)
let me fly high and far, and soar through the clouds.
and i know that when i look back, there are all the happy and loving faces pushing me on.
go go go!

back to this senseless space,

where i pour out my senseless thoughts and random rants.
feeling very tired, somehow, emotionally > physically.
maybe it's this lethargy that i have been carrying around and hiding inside of me.
it's always been in one drawer and before i realised it, i have chests of drawers staring back at me containing them.
i am not a saint.
i have more weaknesses than anyone could imagine, and i know them all, but still choose to keep them hidden.
i have a violent tendency, when i get pissed, i wanna slap/stab/push/kill somebody.
i would always want to destroy smth, if i can't have it.
i have a competitive streak, and want to be the first in everything.
i am very irritable, with a very horrible temper.
i am controlling, for everything must go my way.
i am very selfish, i tell myself to put others before me, but it ain't easy at all.
and people often think that i am this easy-going person who doesn't flare up easily.
oh how wrong.
sometimes, it's weird, but when i start thinking about how life is for me, how meaningless some things are, i feel like letting go.
i dun want to think i dun want to fight in this world.
people say, just do whatever you want, fight for your dreams, be wow-ed by your future.
but the thing is, i dk what i like, i dk what i'd love to do, i dk what i want to do, i dk what would wow me.
idk what is my dream, or if i have any at all.
i think i would wanna find a job in the future, as a pastime.
maybe have a kids or two.
then again, maybe i don't want any at all.
or maybe i don't want to get married.
i don't want to be tied down to a flat plus kids.
and then i look at my parents, i look at the older generation..
i cannot see anybody that i wanna be.
rich? not exactly.
famous? not exactly.
just going on w my simple life and devote my life in fostering my kids? nope.
i want a simple life filled with random adventures.
does this even make sense?
like i am enough of a contradiction self, why is the life i wanted filled with irony too?
and then i'd start thinking, why not end my life while i am still young?
and maybe pretty? or at least prettier than i'd be in 50 years.
and then i'd not have to rack my brains to think, or compare myself with people who are so sure of themselves and the paths they wanna take, such that i feel so minute.
and then i start thinking, maybe i am staying alive so as to not make the people around me sad.
and then i'd think, why not be selfish once.
and these thoughts just get thrown here and there, as a debate erupt in my head, with me fighting against me.
and i have no idea which side is the angel which side is the devil.
or maybe both of them are devils.
maybe my life is a lie, and that when i die, i'd wake up realising this all is a dream and that i belong to a bigger world.
people always say to be intelligent, and not to follow by the books so strictly.
and idk if it's the way i am brought up or the way singaporeans are, that i absolutely dk what to do and i really need someone, anyone, to tell me how to lead my life.
why don't you just teach me?
step by step.
uh huh, after i finish my kindergarten i go to pri sch and then sec sch and then i pick poly or jc and i go to uni then i come out to work and when i find someone i possibly wanna marry or simply because i am already of age so i apply for flat and then wait for it to be approved and then i move in with him and we have kids and we work till they grow up and then i dun even know if we get to retire or not.
but is there another way to live?
why dun you just give us like a lot of lists to choose from?
or like qns, for example:
1. would you like to be a lawyer or a doctor? if lawyer, go to qns 2. if doctor, go to qns 3. if neither, go to qns 4.
and then we'd go on until we know exactly what we want to do.
yes, like a robot.
but perhaps i would very much prefer it that way.
i rmb how i used to hate certain jobs, and then i start to brainwash myself into thinking i am a robot, and thou shalt not think, thou shalt keep on doing whatever i am doing like a robot.
and it kind of works, i mean, i was just focusing on the passing the time till work ends, and nothing else matters.
i am a very lost soul, wandering around with an aim, and not a kind soul either lol or perhaps 'kind' is just a word forged by human beings who wanna make themselves seem like a god/saint.
okay whatever.
i dk what to think anymore.
and i am tired of it.
and i just finished the taeun last ep and i am feeling v sad over that as well.
tho i sincerely hope they keep their r/s secret if they do continue and only reveal when they plan to get married! hohohoho.
okay goodbye.

a new year, a new start.
no, no reccounts this year, because it hasn't exactly been a wonderful one.
it started like shit and it didn't end anywhere better.
they said the person who counted down with you would be with you for your whole life, because 1314.
yep read it in chinese.
idk if i want the person who counted down with me to be with me 1314 but yep it will need some adjusting to do.
i shall not be depressed most of the times this year as i did last year.
i am going to be a lot happier, more cheerful and wilder.
i am gonna try more things, laugh louder, and not care about what anyone else think.
it sucks, to be like revolving around all the time.
so this time round, let the things revolve around me.
i am going to make things hover and fly around me.
yep you got that right.
i am going crazy lol.
how not to? with all the craziness going around me.
i am supposed to hand in an essay tml morning but my hands are typing so much faster on this post than on the word doc.
okay okay i am just gonna type my notes and hand it in just like that.
too tired to think of anything much.
idw to hate anyone.
i am not going to.
i am going to embrace the kind forgiving me and tell myself to forget all of it.
i can do this i know, i can be forgetful if i want to be.
you told me what you want, i told you what i want.
this is it.
no more chances.
because i don't want to take any more risk.
but then again, maybe i am just saying because i no longer want to break it every time something crops up.
i no longer want to hold it in.
though a lot of times i don't, i am gonna hold in less now.
life can't be that tough.
there are lots of people who may try and affect you, just stuff your middle finger in their mouths and move on. YAY!
yes i am sounding more and more vulgar but people should see how i behave with sebas, i spout vulgarities in almost every single line i say to him.
but i think it's just him and not me lol.
okay goodbye.