where i pour out my senseless thoughts and random rants.
feeling very tired, somehow, emotionally > physically.
maybe it's this lethargy that i have been carrying around and hiding inside of me.
it's always been in one drawer and before i realised it, i have chests of drawers staring back at me containing them.
i am not a saint.
i have more weaknesses than anyone could imagine, and i know them all, but still choose to keep them hidden.
i have a violent tendency, when i get pissed, i wanna slap/stab/push/kill somebody.
i would always want to destroy smth, if i can't have it.
i have a competitive streak, and want to be the first in everything.
i am very irritable, with a very horrible temper.
i am controlling, for everything must go my way.
i am very selfish, i tell myself to put others before me, but it ain't easy at all.
and people often think that i am this easy-going person who doesn't flare up easily.
oh how wrong.
sometimes, it's weird, but when i start thinking about how life is for me, how meaningless some things are, i feel like letting go.
i dun want to think i dun want to fight in this world.
people say, just do whatever you want, fight for your dreams, be wow-ed by your future.
but the thing is, i dk what i like, i dk what i'd love to do, i dk what i want to do, i dk what would wow me.
idk what is my dream, or if i have any at all.
i think i would wanna find a job in the future, as a pastime.
maybe have a kids or two.
then again, maybe i don't want any at all.
or maybe i don't want to get married.
i don't want to be tied down to a flat plus kids.
and then i look at my parents, i look at the older generation..
i cannot see anybody that i wanna be.
rich? not exactly.
famous? not exactly.
just going on w my simple life and devote my life in fostering my kids? nope.
i want a simple life filled with random adventures.
does this even make sense?
like i am enough of a contradiction self, why is the life i wanted filled with irony too?
and then i'd start thinking, why not end my life while i am still young?
and maybe pretty? or at least prettier than i'd be in 50 years.
and then i'd not have to rack my brains to think, or compare myself with people who are so sure of themselves and the paths they wanna take, such that i feel so minute.
and then i start thinking, maybe i am staying alive so as to not make the people around me sad.
and then i'd think, why not be selfish once.
and these thoughts just get thrown here and there, as a debate erupt in my head, with me fighting against me.
and i have no idea which side is the angel which side is the devil.
or maybe both of them are devils.
maybe my life is a lie, and that when i die, i'd wake up realising this all is a dream and that i belong to a bigger world.
people always say to be intelligent, and not to follow by the books so strictly.
and idk if it's the way i am brought up or the way singaporeans are, that i absolutely dk what to do and i really need someone, anyone, to tell me how to lead my life.
why don't you just teach me?
step by step.
uh huh, after i finish my kindergarten i go to pri sch and then sec sch and then i pick poly or jc and i go to uni then i come out to work and when i find someone i possibly wanna marry or simply because i am already of age so i apply for flat and then wait for it to be approved and then i move in with him and we have kids and we work till they grow up and then i dun even know if we get to retire or not.
but is there another way to live?
why dun you just give us like a lot of lists to choose from?
or like qns, for example:
1. would you like to be a lawyer or a doctor? if lawyer, go to qns 2. if doctor, go to qns 3. if neither, go to qns 4.
and then we'd go on until we know exactly what we want to do.
yes, like a robot.
but perhaps i would very much prefer it that way.
i rmb how i used to hate certain jobs, and then i start to brainwash myself into thinking i am a robot, and thou shalt not think, thou shalt keep on doing whatever i am doing like a robot.
and it kind of works, i mean, i was just focusing on the passing the time till work ends, and nothing else matters.
i am a very lost soul, wandering around with an aim, and not a kind soul either lol or perhaps 'kind' is just a word forged by human beings who wanna make themselves seem like a god/saint.
okay whatever.
i dk what to think anymore.
and i am tired of it.
and i just finished the taeun last ep and i am feeling v sad over that as well.
tho i sincerely hope they keep their r/s secret if they do continue and only reveal when they plan to get married! hohohoho.
okay goodbye.
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