Perhaps dying in my sleep would be smth good for once.
Like I'd dream of tao and ahma and they'd ask me if I'd like to join them and I say yes and I will just fly to them and leave the world behind.
The way this matter was handled is very distasteful.
And no I don't need any comments or gossips going around, esp not around me.
That's not helping, at all.
All I need is someone to listen and understand, even when I am making jokes about it.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Maybe it's the cold weather,
Maybe it's my period,
Maybe it's the time of the night,
Maybe it's this Christmas period,
Or maybe because I'm feeling unwell.
I am missing you terribly tonight.
And how I wish I can be surrounded by my loved ones and get hugs from everyone.
I probably just wanna feel warmth and love.
I should probably get back to blogging my daily life, or at the very least write down in my organizer.
Need to start penning down my life again before I forget.
People always need reminders for all kinds of things.
I need them too.
Go me.
Maybe it's my period,
Maybe it's the time of the night,
Maybe it's this Christmas period,
Or maybe because I'm feeling unwell.
I am missing you terribly tonight.
And how I wish I can be surrounded by my loved ones and get hugs from everyone.
I probably just wanna feel warmth and love.
I should probably get back to blogging my daily life, or at the very least write down in my organizer.
Need to start penning down my life again before I forget.
People always need reminders for all kinds of things.
I need them too.
Go me.
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
meaning.
i have been trying so hard to put meaning to my life recently.
and it no doubt includes today too, despite the negative underlying meaning that this other day holds for me, i really hoped it to be positive.
got informed this morning that plans today are ruined.. okay suck thumb.
sat around aft praying and burning incense papers for my ahma and did some family bonding and helped the uncles and aunties to catch on the advancements of technology.
mmhmm.
back home, falls back in the negativity veil.
the harder i try to run from it, the harder i fall back on it.
what an irony.
i guess even irony is laughing at me.
the fear is eating into me again.
why is the fear of losing you creeping up to me again when i have already lost you?
miss irony is laughing again.
what a stupid person this is, she says.
and i have no retort for her.
because it's the fact, what can i say?
everyday thinking of HOW to put meaning into my life instead of actually doing it.
i should really start acting instead of thinking..
but i have no motivation no aim no goal.
let's step back again, and take one tiny step again.
please stop wanting to jump across a sea.
and it no doubt includes today too, despite the negative underlying meaning that this other day holds for me, i really hoped it to be positive.
got informed this morning that plans today are ruined.. okay suck thumb.
sat around aft praying and burning incense papers for my ahma and did some family bonding and helped the uncles and aunties to catch on the advancements of technology.
mmhmm.
back home, falls back in the negativity veil.
the harder i try to run from it, the harder i fall back on it.
what an irony.
i guess even irony is laughing at me.
the fear is eating into me again.
why is the fear of losing you creeping up to me again when i have already lost you?
miss irony is laughing again.
what a stupid person this is, she says.
and i have no retort for her.
because it's the fact, what can i say?
everyday thinking of HOW to put meaning into my life instead of actually doing it.
i should really start acting instead of thinking..
but i have no motivation no aim no goal.
let's step back again, and take one tiny step again.
please stop wanting to jump across a sea.
Friday, December 20, 2013
time's up?
Sometimes things just get so ridiculous I can only laugh.
Idek how to brisk through it all.
Maybe I just want to stop worrying and thinking.
You make me laugh, in the good way and the bad.
There's a communication breakdown.
Perhaps it happens to ppl like me, who actually do run out of things to say as time passes.
Probably I need somebody who can enjoy the silence with me.
Just wanna sit somewhere, cuddle, then watch as the world goes by and skies turn gray.
Are you capable of doing nothing?
No phone no ds no computer no games.
Just you and me and two chairs. Make that two rocking chairs and perhaps a shawl or two each.
Wasting time? No. Just enjoying.
Idek how to brisk through it all.
Maybe I just want to stop worrying and thinking.
You make me laugh, in the good way and the bad.
There's a communication breakdown.
Perhaps it happens to ppl like me, who actually do run out of things to say as time passes.
Probably I need somebody who can enjoy the silence with me.
Just wanna sit somewhere, cuddle, then watch as the world goes by and skies turn gray.
Are you capable of doing nothing?
No phone no ds no computer no games.
Just you and me and two chairs. Make that two rocking chairs and perhaps a shawl or two each.
Wasting time? No. Just enjoying.
Monday, December 16, 2013
for some reason, you feel like the love that could have been.
but i guess we probably wouldn't know, for the rest of our lives, like ever.
the way we converse, about our future, our ideal guy/girl, even about me.
there seems to be this complication, this complicated sentiment lying between us.
but i guess we mostly choose to ignore it, that minute awkwardness(?) haha. that's the best i can explain this.
even so, i am so really very glad that we are this close, the friendship we share.
and i am eternally grateful to you, though idk if you will be reading this haha, for accepting all my weirdness and retardness lol.
and you will always be one of my closest friends! kekeke ^^
but i guess we probably wouldn't know, for the rest of our lives, like ever.
the way we converse, about our future, our ideal guy/girl, even about me.
there seems to be this complication, this complicated sentiment lying between us.
but i guess we mostly choose to ignore it, that minute awkwardness(?) haha. that's the best i can explain this.
even so, i am so really very glad that we are this close, the friendship we share.
and i am eternally grateful to you, though idk if you will be reading this haha, for accepting all my weirdness and retardness lol.
and you will always be one of my closest friends! kekeke ^^
idk if it's because i have been going out for the past 4 days with my friends which i really thoroughly enjoyed and laughed so much even tho it meant i spent a considerable amount of money and i felt just a little sad about that portion but today i am falling back into the 'i hate everyone kind of mood'.
or maybe it's just cause i din sleep my fill and got woken up by my sis banging the door shut in the process of entering and leaving the room.
IT'S REALLY ANNOYING and i am sure all of you agree. hahahaha.
and so i woke up in a bad mood, which resulted in the anger in me and i flared up in front of my family.
argh.
and then i cleaned out lots of junks in the study room since i am planning to spend lots of time in here today and tho all i did was to move them out of the room into the living room.
most of the stuffs are not mine anyw.
though i doubt the study room looks tidied but at least it has a lot more space now for me to move about in my chair.
really cannot stand junks.
and the lack of space thereof.
i love love love big spaces, like just big empty spaces.
i rmb in the apartment i once lived in, in woodlands, when i was younger, was a 5 room flat.
this meant it had 2 living rooms, or rather a dining room, and i had this huge space to myself.
we used to lie on the floor a lot and roll around and even prance around.
i used to love the current home, wayy before it got sooo crowded with things.
i mean, we used to have less things because we are younger.
but because now we are older, we tend to have a lot more things and things that grow old or out of date and then we get new ones but we never ever throw away the old ones.
for example, i got a new mattress because the old one is 10 years old and the springs mostly broke. (you cannot understand how i suffered all those springs poking me while i slept).
and my mum took like what one week? to decide to throw it out.
and i asked her EVERY SINGLE DAY if i should throw it out.... -_-
because she is always afraid that there would be a use for these things next time.
and that is the problem.
because we have at least like twenty to thirty bags which we haven't seen (because she kept it in this cupboard in my study room and the cupboard was covered in so much junks we cant even open the doors yes im not joking) and thus haven't used in like a few years?
and i talked about throwing them out and my mum was planning to and then my sis said she wanted to use those bags.
ermmm. so my mum kept all those bags but seriously, my sis never took a second look at them after that day -_- what about using them?
they are super ugly because all those leather were coming off, white bags became yellow, and there are weird stains on some of them.
ARE YOU SURE WE CAN EVEN USE THEM? -_-
xueli says her family throws out things which they haven't use or touch for the past 6 months.
well, i think my family have things which are not used or touched for YEARSSSS.
cannot stand this much longer, i would have to clear them out quickly.
JIAYOU ME.
or maybe it's just cause i din sleep my fill and got woken up by my sis banging the door shut in the process of entering and leaving the room.
IT'S REALLY ANNOYING and i am sure all of you agree. hahahaha.
and so i woke up in a bad mood, which resulted in the anger in me and i flared up in front of my family.
argh.
and then i cleaned out lots of junks in the study room since i am planning to spend lots of time in here today and tho all i did was to move them out of the room into the living room.
most of the stuffs are not mine anyw.
though i doubt the study room looks tidied but at least it has a lot more space now for me to move about in my chair.
really cannot stand junks.
and the lack of space thereof.
i love love love big spaces, like just big empty spaces.
i rmb in the apartment i once lived in, in woodlands, when i was younger, was a 5 room flat.
this meant it had 2 living rooms, or rather a dining room, and i had this huge space to myself.
we used to lie on the floor a lot and roll around and even prance around.
i used to love the current home, wayy before it got sooo crowded with things.
i mean, we used to have less things because we are younger.
but because now we are older, we tend to have a lot more things and things that grow old or out of date and then we get new ones but we never ever throw away the old ones.
for example, i got a new mattress because the old one is 10 years old and the springs mostly broke. (you cannot understand how i suffered all those springs poking me while i slept).
and my mum took like what one week? to decide to throw it out.
and i asked her EVERY SINGLE DAY if i should throw it out.... -_-
because she is always afraid that there would be a use for these things next time.
and that is the problem.
because we have at least like twenty to thirty bags which we haven't seen (because she kept it in this cupboard in my study room and the cupboard was covered in so much junks we cant even open the doors yes im not joking) and thus haven't used in like a few years?
and i talked about throwing them out and my mum was planning to and then my sis said she wanted to use those bags.
ermmm. so my mum kept all those bags but seriously, my sis never took a second look at them after that day -_- what about using them?
they are super ugly because all those leather were coming off, white bags became yellow, and there are weird stains on some of them.
ARE YOU SURE WE CAN EVEN USE THEM? -_-
xueli says her family throws out things which they haven't use or touch for the past 6 months.
well, i think my family have things which are not used or touched for YEARSSSS.
cannot stand this much longer, i would have to clear them out quickly.
JIAYOU ME.
Monday, December 09, 2013
my body.
i have been giving myself all sorts of reasons to doll up myself that i haven't been appreciating how i look like at my worst.
yes now is probably my worst, minus the times when i think of ortao and my ahma and start bawling all over with my even redder nose and swollen eyes.
what happened happened.
and there is no going back.
i am just sitting on the floor in my living room on my yoga mat where i just did some crunches and air cycling and just some plain old workouts that i should probably do more except that it bores me and i find myself thinking of nonsensical things which bring me back here.
i find myself falling in love with make ups, and dressing up.
at times, i cannot be bothered, but there are also times when i just wanna dress nicely and when i do, i never feel comfortable in noticing that people notice me.
i am not very comfortable in my own skin.
i always need to ask for opinions after i am done dressing up, in the same old clothes but i would always ask, does this look okay?
is anyone else like me?
because i kind of have my tops and bottoms paired up and when i change the pairing, i feel so damn insecure, which is what i do all the time because i don't want to wear the same pairing all the time.
yup i have some issues with my body.
i have the tendencies to just keep staring at myself in the mirror, as if the more i look the more my reflection will conform into somebody else.
and i am not even sure if that somebody will even be me.
me me me me.
i am never the skinny girl.
probably because i dun do exercises and i tend to overestimate my appetite, overeating as a result.
i think that's a problem, overeating and not exercising.
and in the case where i dun exactly eat all the healthy food like fruits and vegetables, plus my irregular sleeping hours, i am genuinely starting to worry for my body.
because nowadays, all i do is to just laze around..
i should probably get out more, even just down to the supermarkets.
i probably should just erm walk around more, even in my own house.
i probably should practice some cooking and baking, just so i dun stare at electronic screens all day long.
do something healthy.
breathe some fresh air.
less laziness and procrastination.
yes that's what i need.
but you know what?
i am great at talking about all these, but bad at actually executing them.
because i would never do it, if i were to do it alone.
i would always wait for somebody to actually ask me to do it TGTHR.
yes i am super passive.....
okay idk.
i guess it all boils down to being happy and really comfortable in whatever i do and trust myself more and not others and then being really bubbly and healthy and just jump around and go everywhere more and put in more hearts in treating the people around me right.
okay and the crux in all these, i presume is to be grateful.
grateful grateful grateful.
grateful in whatever i have, and then i will be happier, and then i will gain confidence and thus feel more comfortable and trust myself more and then i will get more bubbly and cheerful and my body will respond to my happiness by becoming healthier and then i would feel all these energies surging through my body and then i would put in more efforts in doing something special for those special. :)
okay.
first up, i am grateful for my family.
i have a complete family, and that is something i ought to be really thankful for.
i have both my parents loving me and being by my side.
i am thankful to have two sisters who always have to bear the brunt of my temper and rants and do things for me because i kind of force them to and despite them fighting back a lot of the times i am thankful for the times which they tolerate and do things for me. :)
i am thankful that all 5 of us are healthy, and we are happy.
i am also thankful that my family starts to go downstairs to have meals tgthr instead of the just tabao back home for everyone so we can actually have family time.
i am also thankful to be able to talk to my family members more and bond more with them. :)
then, i am also thankful to have tay.
he who quarrels with me all the time but yet has to appease me no matter whose fault it is.
and i think we should both start to learn how to agree to disagree, so that we can just accept our differences instead of trying to solve them.
and thank you for always bearing me and my bad attitudes which sometimes even shock myself and yet you still never showed any hurt or bad temper towards me.
thank you for always buying food for me just because i am lazy and thank you for going all kinds of places with me.
i am very thankful for all the friends around me, all the people who always laugh with me, do silly things with me, talk about almost everything under the sun with me, exploring new places with me.
all the times when you listen to my rants, watch me cry, comforted and consoled me in your own ways, play with me, run around with me, lend me your shoulders your arms your everywhere hahaha hehehe i love you.
all the people i love muaks muaks. i am grateful for you and you and youuuuu! ^^
I need to stop being that silly gullible girl who falls for salesmen's tricks.
And pays and buys their stuffs just to get out of there.
I need to be firm and say no much more firmly and just turn my head around and leave the goddamn place without getting swayed.
No playing on personal feelings and letting them tell you what the ppl around you need.
Fuck this shit and fuck them.
And pays and buys their stuffs just to get out of there.
I need to be firm and say no much more firmly and just turn my head around and leave the goddamn place without getting swayed.
No playing on personal feelings and letting them tell you what the ppl around you need.
Fuck this shit and fuck them.
Saturday, December 07, 2013
life
What do I do when we have opinions and views that are literally on opposite sides regarding a whole lot of issues?
I mean, I have unlimited hope about the future and the potential it holds, but all you have is practicality which leaves no room for imagination at all.
Why are you restricting yourself before we even start is what I cannot understand.
And why am I trying to believe the seemingly impossible is what you cannot understand.
I mean, I am the kind of person who believes that I can become a somebody while you are the kind who thinks that someone else can take up that role.
We are basically two persons from two extremes.
How do I go on trusting about our future when we don't exactly believe in the same one? Even tho there are a lot of similar things that we want in life.
How do we actually live tgthr when our outtakes on life is so so so different?
And none of us is willing to compromise w each other?
I cannot stand your lack of imagination and hate the thought of practicality while you can't stand my impracticality and categorise them all under naivety.
I mean the future has no limits.
Nobody in the 1900s ever thought that we could have Internet which enables us to keep in touch aross the globe so why are you now looking down upon what the future may bring us?
There is invisibility cloaks being researched on and invented as we speak you know.
Soon we can all be harry potters flying on broomsticks for all you know.
I know it all lies in attitude, and idk how we can go back after all these years.
I'd prefer not to think then, like how you always say when I try to be serious.
I mean, I have unlimited hope about the future and the potential it holds, but all you have is practicality which leaves no room for imagination at all.
Why are you restricting yourself before we even start is what I cannot understand.
And why am I trying to believe the seemingly impossible is what you cannot understand.
I mean, I am the kind of person who believes that I can become a somebody while you are the kind who thinks that someone else can take up that role.
We are basically two persons from two extremes.
How do I go on trusting about our future when we don't exactly believe in the same one? Even tho there are a lot of similar things that we want in life.
How do we actually live tgthr when our outtakes on life is so so so different?
And none of us is willing to compromise w each other?
I cannot stand your lack of imagination and hate the thought of practicality while you can't stand my impracticality and categorise them all under naivety.
I mean the future has no limits.
Nobody in the 1900s ever thought that we could have Internet which enables us to keep in touch aross the globe so why are you now looking down upon what the future may bring us?
There is invisibility cloaks being researched on and invented as we speak you know.
Soon we can all be harry potters flying on broomsticks for all you know.
I know it all lies in attitude, and idk how we can go back after all these years.
I'd prefer not to think then, like how you always say when I try to be serious.
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