meaning.

i have been trying so hard to put meaning to my life recently.
and it no doubt includes today too, despite the negative underlying meaning that this other day holds for me, i really hoped it to be positive.
got informed this morning that plans today are ruined.. okay suck thumb.
sat around aft praying and burning incense papers for my ahma and did some family bonding and helped the uncles and aunties to catch on the advancements of technology.
mmhmm.
back home, falls back in the negativity veil.
the harder i try to run from it, the harder i fall back on it.
what an irony.
i guess even irony is laughing at me.
the fear is eating into me again.
why is the fear of losing you creeping up to me again when i have already lost you?
miss irony is laughing again.
what a stupid person this is, she says.
and i have no retort for her.
because it's the fact, what can i say?
everyday thinking of HOW to put meaning into my life instead of actually doing it.
i should really start acting instead of thinking..
but i have no motivation no aim no goal.
let's step back again, and take one tiny step again.
please stop wanting to jump across a sea.