Noun.
Also known as doggy, puppy.
No explanation needed for a picture is worth a thousand words. (See below)
Tay Yin Ji is a bad dog, a 假惺惺的 doggy.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Dictionary: word of the day
Dog (the-oh-ger)
Noun.
Also known as doggy, puppy.
No explanation needed for a picture is worth a thousand words. (See below)
Example:
Tay Yin Ji is a bad dog, a 假惺惺的 doggy.
Noun.
Also known as doggy, puppy.
No explanation needed for a picture is worth a thousand words. (See below)
Tay Yin Ji is a bad dog, a 假惺惺的 doggy.
Saturday, May 25, 2013
girls and breakups.
You know, there is a difference in a girl's attitude when facing breakups depending on whether it's a relationship they can or cannot bear to let go.
Basically, when a girl merely took a step towards the end, it actually shows that she is still bearing hope.
What do I mean by a step?
It could be a question asking you for your opinion.
It could be anything as long as she made some kind of move first, and yes it might include initiating the breakup.
It's just somehow more manageable if the girl initiates the breakup first, from the girl's pov of course.
Whenever she does that, all she really is doing is putting up barriers in case of getting hurt again.
However, if she really wanna break off from you, she would not relent no matter what you say.
When a girl's heartless, man, she's real cruel.
She would just leave, without taking so much as a second look back at you.
It wouldn't be taking a step away from you.
She would be flying so fast and so far away from you you wouldn't have the time to respond.
Okay a random thought.
I shall go join Tay in lalaland now! byeee!
Thursday, May 23, 2013
Dictionary: word of the day
假惺惺 [jia xing xing]
Adj.
To describe someone as fake, pretentious.
E.g.
Tay Yin Ji is a 假惺惺的男人。
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
relationships.
relationships are susceptible to nothingness in the face of change.
all kinds of relationships.
BGR, friendships, kinships, ...
what do you fear more?
people you love hating you? or absolutely don't feel anything to you?
in the latter, you can't even spite you anymore.
they could look at you in the eye and see you as nothing.
the cold, hard expression like you are a stranger.
and then, you began to doubt yourself, your own memories, doubt if whatever happens between you was just a dream, only a dream.
yes, that's when the relationship becomes voided.
back to the topic of change.
you may ask, what kind of changes?
well, all sorts.
for instance, change in the environment;
i could have entered university, he could have entered army, she could have entered the working society.
our environments changed.
we no longer have the same environment, no longer see the same things, no longer meet the same situations, no longer understood what each other are going through.
and that's the crux - we don't understand.
when we don't understand something, that matter could be judged, twisted, deformed into something that is very, very different from what it originally was.
other changes include, but not limited to, changes in circumstances due to unexpected and expected situations, changes in status quo, changes in perspectives, or even changes in appearance.
people use their own perspectives to view things, and that's where the problems lie.
i'm no different, and that's hard to change.
even when we say we can stand in your shoes, we are viewing from our own perspectives and predicting how we will/might feel if we face the same situations.
it's just difficult, unless the other person's personality is similar to yours.
yet again, being too similar has its cons too.
what's the most important is how we deal with them changes.
how do we respond to them, or how do we adapt?
there are times when i pick the option of giving up, as well.
as the old saying goes, it takes two hands to clap.
a relationship takes two parties to work too.
if one side gave up, it will be futile for the other to put in any effort.
i remember the last relationship i gave up on.
i suppose i could sense it, sense the other party wasn't capable enough to continue on.
you could say this is just my own perspective, so just scroll up a little to see what i wrote there about own perspectives.
when i talk about capability, i don't mean the other party is useless, but just unable to handle the new situation that arose.
a relationship is something that takes forever to cultivate.
you have to constantly, not occasionally, put in effort.
a relationship, of any kind, can fade, can change, can disappear if nothing is done.
i have already lost count of the many relationships that had long since faded into naught in my 21 years of life.
sometimes, though, i may sound selfish but i'm just tired.
i'm actually tired at the thought of having to manage relationships.
that's why i don't exactly prefer having lots of friends.
i'm just too lazy to handle all of them.
just a few close ones would do.
okay, it's late.
i'm tired, as in physically.
goodnight.
all kinds of relationships.
BGR, friendships, kinships, ...
what do you fear more?
people you love hating you? or absolutely don't feel anything to you?
in the latter, you can't even spite you anymore.
they could look at you in the eye and see you as nothing.
the cold, hard expression like you are a stranger.
and then, you began to doubt yourself, your own memories, doubt if whatever happens between you was just a dream, only a dream.
yes, that's when the relationship becomes voided.
back to the topic of change.
you may ask, what kind of changes?
well, all sorts.
for instance, change in the environment;
i could have entered university, he could have entered army, she could have entered the working society.
our environments changed.
we no longer have the same environment, no longer see the same things, no longer meet the same situations, no longer understood what each other are going through.
and that's the crux - we don't understand.
when we don't understand something, that matter could be judged, twisted, deformed into something that is very, very different from what it originally was.
other changes include, but not limited to, changes in circumstances due to unexpected and expected situations, changes in status quo, changes in perspectives, or even changes in appearance.
people use their own perspectives to view things, and that's where the problems lie.
i'm no different, and that's hard to change.
even when we say we can stand in your shoes, we are viewing from our own perspectives and predicting how we will/might feel if we face the same situations.
it's just difficult, unless the other person's personality is similar to yours.
yet again, being too similar has its cons too.
what's the most important is how we deal with them changes.
how do we respond to them, or how do we adapt?
there are times when i pick the option of giving up, as well.
as the old saying goes, it takes two hands to clap.
a relationship takes two parties to work too.
if one side gave up, it will be futile for the other to put in any effort.
i remember the last relationship i gave up on.
i suppose i could sense it, sense the other party wasn't capable enough to continue on.
you could say this is just my own perspective, so just scroll up a little to see what i wrote there about own perspectives.
when i talk about capability, i don't mean the other party is useless, but just unable to handle the new situation that arose.
a relationship is something that takes forever to cultivate.
you have to constantly, not occasionally, put in effort.
a relationship, of any kind, can fade, can change, can disappear if nothing is done.
i have already lost count of the many relationships that had long since faded into naught in my 21 years of life.
sometimes, though, i may sound selfish but i'm just tired.
i'm actually tired at the thought of having to manage relationships.
that's why i don't exactly prefer having lots of friends.
i'm just too lazy to handle all of them.
just a few close ones would do.
okay, it's late.
i'm tired, as in physically.
goodnight.
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
i might have just found my style of studying.
which is reading my notes out loud while moving incessantly on my seat, such as bouncing or shaking my hips/waist and moving my arms up and down, to the beat of the song i am listening to, which is most likely one of shinee's songs. keke.
HELLOOOOO!!!!
yes i am here again!!
adeline gonna scold me again!!
hahahaha.
okay i just wanna write down my plans below after exams which is two days away wahahahahaha though i haven even finish studying but whatever okay.
adeline gonna scold me again!!
hahahaha.
okay i just wanna write down my plans below after exams which is two days away wahahahahaha though i haven even finish studying but whatever okay.
- DYE MY OWN HAIR (DIY) reddish/purplish? always wanted something like that
- work and save money to do LASIK ^^
- go macritchie tree top walk
- go JB (alr have plans to go there w three different grps HAHA)
- jog/run EVERY SINGLE DAY
- do my crafts
okay that's all for now.
is there anyw for me to keep this post at the top? D:
since blogger now schedules your post if you change the date to a later one :(
OMFG.
you know how i have this dream of 'working holiday' in the list on the left side since forever!?!?
just now i went to research a littlewhile procrastinating and i found out singaporeans are not allowed to do that!? wtf!?
nooooo!! i want to go for my working holiday!!
and i think the only possible place is to go new zealand..
to think i wanted to go to so many countries!!! D:
i need to do more research. there must be a way out somewhere! >:(
just now i went to research a little
nooooo!! i want to go for my working holiday!!
and i think the only possible place is to go new zealand..
to think i wanted to go to so many countries!!! D:
i need to do more research. there must be a way out somewhere! >:(
Sunday, May 12, 2013
weird traits.
i know i have been posting a lot, which just probably means i have nothing else better to do (other than studying) at home.
you know some weird traits that human being have?
that applies to me too.
like, we all mind how others look at us.
though i am trying hard not to care/bother.
or we all just can't let go of certain things i suppose.
it's like those things plant seeds in your heart, and it grows into something unimaginable.
something probably destructive.
i am not one who wishes happy birthday on fb, but, only a certain few do receive.
these are times when i just kinda wanna wish you, for old times' sake but it's a little difficult for me to let go abt the past that much to pick up my phone to text it.
at least, to me, texting shows more sincerity, over twitter/fb.
a little unforgiving i suppose.
a little arrogant? maybe?
a little mean.
whatever.
just all the little things little negative traits that i have, which i suppose everyone else has too.
lalala as i grow older, i grow to become someone who does not forgive that easily anymore.
in the past, after i slept and woke up, i would have pretty much forgot about everything.
but not now, i have no idea why.
why do i care so much anyway?
it would better if i can just forget and let go wouldnt it.
i would be so much more happier.
but it's just not in human nature to forget.
even if you do forget, the other party might not, and they might even get suspicious of your intention/motive of being friendly.
oh sigh.
same goes to strangers.
when i just wanna smile and say hello and ask which floor they are going in the lift for instance.
and just the other day i met this really cute ahma.
i only smiled and asked about the floor she stays on and it was only the 2nd floor which is a real short distance but she smiled so warmly while accepting mine and even bothered to strike up a conver with me asking if i am studying.
i even had to hold the door awhile to reply and answer her question.
but then again, it felt really warm.
nice warm feeling that i should take note of.
go go go go go go i will be a warm person too!
you know some weird traits that human being have?
that applies to me too.
like, we all mind how others look at us.
though i am trying hard not to care/bother.
or we all just can't let go of certain things i suppose.
it's like those things plant seeds in your heart, and it grows into something unimaginable.
something probably destructive.
i am not one who wishes happy birthday on fb, but, only a certain few do receive.
these are times when i just kinda wanna wish you, for old times' sake but it's a little difficult for me to let go abt the past that much to pick up my phone to text it.
at least, to me, texting shows more sincerity, over twitter/fb.
a little unforgiving i suppose.
a little arrogant? maybe?
a little mean.
whatever.
just all the little things little negative traits that i have, which i suppose everyone else has too.
lalala as i grow older, i grow to become someone who does not forgive that easily anymore.
in the past, after i slept and woke up, i would have pretty much forgot about everything.
but not now, i have no idea why.
why do i care so much anyway?
it would better if i can just forget and let go wouldnt it.
i would be so much more happier.
but it's just not in human nature to forget.
even if you do forget, the other party might not, and they might even get suspicious of your intention/motive of being friendly.
oh sigh.
same goes to strangers.
when i just wanna smile and say hello and ask which floor they are going in the lift for instance.
and just the other day i met this really cute ahma.
i only smiled and asked about the floor she stays on and it was only the 2nd floor which is a real short distance but she smiled so warmly while accepting mine and even bothered to strike up a conver with me asking if i am studying.
i even had to hold the door awhile to reply and answer her question.
but then again, it felt really warm.
nice warm feeling that i should take note of.
go go go go go go i will be a warm person too!
Saturday, May 11, 2013
listening to shinee tracks while studying.
merely glanced at this video and my heart is gripped by their glistening faces hahaha.
the sweat is like their proof of effort keke.
proud of my bbs.
preferring to note down my little thoughts here over twitter.
just some random thoughts when hot and humid weather makes you cranky.
if i have my own room, i'd lock it and walk around in just my lingerie/underwear in this humid weather.
even though i dun have memories of my past lives, but i think the cavewoman inside of me is hoping that the clothes were like before, just a coconut split into half with some leaves.
if i have my own room, i'd lock it and walk around in just my lingerie/underwear in this humid weather.
even though i dun have memories of my past lives, but i think the cavewoman inside of me is hoping that the clothes were like before, just a coconut split into half with some leaves.
okay.
tweets that i wrote that i wanna remember.
- i think even a 9-5 job can be enjoyable leh. as long as i can go to the pantry and make milo/old town to drink yummms.
- dun understand why they describe a job as something horrible. find a job that you enjoy then! for thats what im gonna do.
- you cannot imagine the joy in me thinking of how i can do all kinds of my favourite things in a week's time. and earn moolah!
- cannot cannot cannot wait till freedom.
- gonna head down the beach when exams are over!!! i need to get near to natureeee.
- breaking through norms. oh hey. i am gonna change the world.
jaelurp jiale
omg this is what happened when i copy-paste from twitter website O.O
wonderful.
yes jiale, read from bottom to top.
let's change this world into a better place by becoming a better you.
GOGOGO!!
sometimes, it's maybe just cause i can't wait for the future to start, or i mean my working life to start.
i really really think it will be enjoyable.
even if it's not, i will be the one to make it enjoyable :D
yay!
jiale, you are capable.
i want to choose my own life, and not let it be dictated by others.
even though i don't fully know exactly what i want, it's okay.
i just want to go out there and experience many things, even if they are cruelly realistic.
no matter good or bad, i will accept it, for it's my very own choice.
for they are those i chose out of my free will.
don't tell me there is no time, time is naught but a man-made concept.
don't tell me my abilities are limited, for that's what told to thomas edison before he invented the lightbulb, to alexander graham bell before he invented the telephone, to the wright brothers before they came out with aeroplanes.
my idea may be different, i may have a different set of thinking compared to the others, but it's the same as the guy who was laughed at dk-how-many-but-many-many years ago for saying that the earth is round when everyone said that it's flat.
being in the majority doesn't mean you are right, it just means that there are people sharing your ideas.
it's okay if i am the only one who believe in mine, for it's enough.
i just don't need you to step on it and ridicule it, if you are the one who says you love me.
sometimes i really wonder what's the point?
what's the point of having emotions?
i really want to throw them out of the window.
leave me alone now, all these mixed feelings.
i don't really need you now, i just want to be alone, thoroughly alone with only jonghyun's voice singing in my ear.
i guess his voice is the only thing that can calm me so instantly and help me relax.
i am forever grateful to him, and to the rest of shinee.
they are more than just an idol, they are a glimpse of hope to me.
thankful that they are able to stay so cheerful and mischievous despite their tough and busy schedules.
thinking of their hardship from way before they debut gives me more reasons to work harder.
thank you for giving me reasons that others have failed to.
encouraging people to study isn't just by saying 'faster go study, faster go study.' for you only made the activity of studying more resentful.
there is really really no one who can bring you down more than yourself, so, jiale, keep faith in yourself, in your own capabilities.
remember your jiale world, remember that you are your own princess, you are your own goddess, you are your own follower, you only need to be yourself, you only need you to have faith in you.
if they say they love you, time would eventually show.
you are brave as i know it.
you are not that bad-tempered, you are just frustrated at yourself for being unable to express what you truly feel, at others for not getting you after knowing you for so long, at them for not seeming to care much about you.
it's okay.
if they don't, just let them be.
let go.
let's just let go.
i will love you the most, i will show you as much concern as you need.
be more sure of yourself, be more confident, be firm on your decisions.
you will understand yourself more as time passes.
i know you are 21, but instead of thinking as 'you are already 21', remind yourself that you are 'only' 21.
tell that to yourself even when you are 31, 41, 51, 61.
who knows if we'd live that long, but that doesn't matter.
your life would be however long you need to know yourself.
we don't know what lies at the end of it, but i will be with you at every step of the way.
and even thereafter, if there is something else waiting for us, i will still be there with you.
you and me, we are a part of each other.
we are just different sides of jiale.
we are all jiale.
we are all you, whatever your name is.
your name don't define you.
you define you.
even though i don't fully know exactly what i want, it's okay.
i just want to go out there and experience many things, even if they are cruelly realistic.
no matter good or bad, i will accept it, for it's my very own choice.
for they are those i chose out of my free will.
don't tell me there is no time, time is naught but a man-made concept.
don't tell me my abilities are limited, for that's what told to thomas edison before he invented the lightbulb, to alexander graham bell before he invented the telephone, to the wright brothers before they came out with aeroplanes.
my idea may be different, i may have a different set of thinking compared to the others, but it's the same as the guy who was laughed at dk-how-many-but-many-many years ago for saying that the earth is round when everyone said that it's flat.
being in the majority doesn't mean you are right, it just means that there are people sharing your ideas.
it's okay if i am the only one who believe in mine, for it's enough.
i just don't need you to step on it and ridicule it, if you are the one who says you love me.
sometimes i really wonder what's the point?
what's the point of having emotions?
i really want to throw them out of the window.
leave me alone now, all these mixed feelings.
i don't really need you now, i just want to be alone, thoroughly alone with only jonghyun's voice singing in my ear.
i guess his voice is the only thing that can calm me so instantly and help me relax.
i am forever grateful to him, and to the rest of shinee.
they are more than just an idol, they are a glimpse of hope to me.
thankful that they are able to stay so cheerful and mischievous despite their tough and busy schedules.
thinking of their hardship from way before they debut gives me more reasons to work harder.
thank you for giving me reasons that others have failed to.
encouraging people to study isn't just by saying 'faster go study, faster go study.' for you only made the activity of studying more resentful.
there is really really no one who can bring you down more than yourself, so, jiale, keep faith in yourself, in your own capabilities.
remember your jiale world, remember that you are your own princess, you are your own goddess, you are your own follower, you only need to be yourself, you only need you to have faith in you.
if they say they love you, time would eventually show.
you are brave as i know it.
you are not that bad-tempered, you are just frustrated at yourself for being unable to express what you truly feel, at others for not getting you after knowing you for so long, at them for not seeming to care much about you.
it's okay.
if they don't, just let them be.
let go.
let's just let go.
i will love you the most, i will show you as much concern as you need.
be more sure of yourself, be more confident, be firm on your decisions.
you will understand yourself more as time passes.
i know you are 21, but instead of thinking as 'you are already 21', remind yourself that you are 'only' 21.
tell that to yourself even when you are 31, 41, 51, 61.
who knows if we'd live that long, but that doesn't matter.
your life would be however long you need to know yourself.
we don't know what lies at the end of it, but i will be with you at every step of the way.
and even thereafter, if there is something else waiting for us, i will still be there with you.
you and me, we are a part of each other.
we are just different sides of jiale.
we are all jiale.
we are all you, whatever your name is.
your name don't define you.
you define you.
Friday, May 10, 2013
1 out of 100
just close your eyes and listen to it.
my heart just beats along to its melody.
it's so beautiful, jonghyun's voice is so beautiful.
i miss him so fucking much :(
seeing shinee promoting with only 4 is just not the same.
oh sigh.
maybe you think i'm too dramamama but neh i really miss him oh sigh.
a pretty girl.
as a girl, there are just times when i want to be absolutely stunning and pretty.
and i just get envious at all my pretty friends, who just look pretty without trying.
and then, it just kind of struck me.
'cause when i look back all my pictures, those that i am really happy in, are the ones when i am making stupid faces.
clara is forever scolding me about my 'ghost face' or 'gui lian' in chinese hahaha.
i love acting silly, for it makes me even happier than when i am pretty.
but of course the pictures in where i am laughing also means that i am happy lah.
just trying to state the fact that i realised i'm really very happy too even when i am not pretty, i.e. making ugly faces.
oh i love my expertise in making funny facial expressions.
ahahaha just took lots of selcas using tay's phone wahahahaha. i am a happy girl yay!
and i just get envious at all my pretty friends, who just look pretty without trying.
and then, it just kind of struck me.
'cause when i look back all my pictures, those that i am really happy in, are the ones when i am making stupid faces.
clara is forever scolding me about my 'ghost face' or 'gui lian' in chinese hahaha.
i love acting silly, for it makes me even happier than when i am pretty.
but of course the pictures in where i am laughing also means that i am happy lah.
just trying to state the fact that i realised i'm really very happy too even when i am not pretty, i.e. making ugly faces.
oh i love my expertise in making funny facial expressions.
ahahaha just took lots of selcas using tay's phone wahahahaha. i am a happy girl yay!
Wednesday, May 08, 2013
MY OH-SO-BRIGHT FUTURE
you know how there is this phase of life?
like after i graduate i would probably work and then get married and then have kids and so on and so forth.
sometimes i wonder, if i can actually break through this sequence.
then again, i actually do look forward to marriage in a way.
tay asked me if i wanted to move out to stay with him when i start working.
as in have a house of our own to stay in.
so basically we would have to be registered, according to singapore laws..
unless we can afford private housing/estates which i dun think so without working for some years at least.
it would be nice, to have my own house, and have it done up the way i wanted it to be.
though i very much want my own room hahaha so me and tay can have our own room, for the first time ever since we were born muahahaha.
and then i wondered about what if i dun wanna have kids.
but kids are like an insurance for you when you are old??
but then again i dun wanna be reliant on my kids.
i would probably save up tons of money to spend it when i am old.
probably go travelling around the world HEHE though i wanna travel around when i am young too!
young more energy to run about.
and i also need to save up money to do plastic surgery, which i presume would be quite normal and common and socially acceptable by then, so i will look young forever and when i go out with my grandchildren people will think i am his/her elder sister MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
sigh all these imaginations of my future is making me smile to myself awww.
okay i was just taking a break aft lunch. goodbye once again.
like after i graduate i would probably work and then get married and then have kids and so on and so forth.
sometimes i wonder, if i can actually break through this sequence.
then again, i actually do look forward to marriage in a way.
tay asked me if i wanted to move out to stay with him when i start working.
as in have a house of our own to stay in.
so basically we would have to be registered, according to singapore laws..
unless we can afford private housing/estates which i dun think so without working for some years at least.
it would be nice, to have my own house, and have it done up the way i wanted it to be.
though i very much want my own room hahaha so me and tay can have our own room, for the first time ever since we were born muahahaha.
and then i wondered about what if i dun wanna have kids.
but kids are like an insurance for you when you are old??
but then again i dun wanna be reliant on my kids.
i would probably save up tons of money to spend it when i am old.
probably go travelling around the world HEHE though i wanna travel around when i am young too!
young more energy to run about.
and i also need to save up money to do plastic surgery, which i presume would be quite normal and common and socially acceptable by then, so i will look young forever and when i go out with my grandchildren people will think i am his/her elder sister MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA.
sigh all these imaginations of my future is making me smile to myself awww.
okay i was just taking a break aft lunch. goodbye once again.
justifying.
woke up early and then i procrastinated the whole morning and i'm just about to start work for real.
dk why i woke up early to procrastinate when i could have done better sleeping.
then again even if i woke up later i still would procrastinate before i can get myself to start.
okay just a post to justify to myself that it's okay to procrastinate hahaha.
my self-discipline sucks.
goodbye.
dk why i woke up early to procrastinate when i could have done better sleeping.
then again even if i woke up later i still would procrastinate before i can get myself to start.
okay just a post to justify to myself that it's okay to procrastinate hahaha.
my self-discipline sucks.
goodbye.
Tuesday, May 07, 2013
step by step.
be patient.
things will naturally come to you.
stay composed.
don't rush into things.
have faith in yourself.
you will bring to yourself everything that you want.
let us take a baby step one at a time.
nobody is rushing you, so why are you rushing yourself?
breathe, smile.
breathe, smile.
good.
things will naturally come to you.
stay composed.
don't rush into things.
have faith in yourself.
you will bring to yourself everything that you want.
let us take a baby step one at a time.
nobody is rushing you, so why are you rushing yourself?
breathe, smile.
breathe, smile.
good.
i really don't know,
but is it really just that guys tend to check out girls? using social media of course.
it just really irks me.
no matter if you used to know that person or don't even know her at all.
of course the latter is worse.
i just feel why why why why!?!?
is there really a need to do that?
liking other girls' photos?
idk but neh thats probably the reason why i seldom use social media nowadays except for instagram???
even though most of the times i very much prefer to have only my close friends following me and all.
privacy i guess.
idk what am i ranting here now at this time of the day but i just feel like ranting.
probably stress reached its limits? idk.
but i am just getting more and more pissed as i think about it.
yes i should probably stop thinking.
but it's damn disgusting, in my opinion, that you are doing that.
or perhaps i should just chill that people check out people not exactly in the check-out way but more of the i'm-really-bored-there's-nothing-to-do-i-should-probably-do-some-stalking-to-pass-time way.
if i really do chill, and i don't care anymore, what's the consequences?
are there even consequences?
it's so hard to think about not caring anymore...
i always believe that the opposite of love is not hate (contrary to tay's pov) but indifference.
if i hate you, at the very very least there is still some emotions.
and the cause of the hatred could very well be love.
and indifference is just, well, nothing.
i don't feel anything for you, at all.
no negative emotions, no positive feelings.
you are just like a stranger, you can't affect me no more.
i stare at you, like you are just air.
i seem to be looking at you, but no, i'm actually staring past you at the blank space.
isn't that scarier?
being a stranger, seeing someone you know, but then that person doesn't even seem to know you.
that person doesn't even seem to know you exist.
which is worse?
idk, pick your stand.
if i love that person, i guess indifference would be so much more hurtful than hating.
at least if you hate me, i can affect you with the things i do, at least there is still some impact.
if you are just indifferent towards me, no matter what i do what i say, you can't see or hear...
i'm nothing, nobody.
that's scarier.
to me at least.
so, using you as the first persona, would you be afraid of me being indifferent to you?
would you be afraid that no matter what you say, there is no response from me?
would you be afraid that when you smile at me, i just stare at you blank?
would you be afraid that when i catch you looking at me, i don't even look away but stare past you?
would you be afraid of all these indifference?
indifference is worse than being treated like a stranger.
at least you offer a tiny help to strangers, like asking them which floor they stay in when you are in the lift, smiling at them when you help them pick up something they dropped, etc etc.
if i'm being indifferent, even if you drop dead in front of me, i wouldn't have any emotion, it's just blank.
tell me, which would you prefer?
i really don't know recently the negative emotions in me is due to stress or whatever.
i'm crying almost everyday.
i have so little sleep but i don't actually feel sleepy enough to get more.
tell me what to do, for i really don't know.
i keep turning to tao, staring at the ceiling/sky talking to him.
or i even turn to captain to feel some affection.
yes, it's actually just me giving myself some affection.
i know, i know, hang in there right?
be strong right?
and then?
sometimes, i just wanna give in to this negativity, and let it consume me.
consume me thoroughly and make me lose my mind entirely.
and probably at the end, i would feel much much better.
just like yesterday, like how i cried about how tay never made me his profile picture.
it's such a small thing, i was half-laughing at myself.
but i can't stop myself from throwing the stupid tantrum and i actually cried so badly that i was asking myself 'lee jia le what the fuck is wrong with you' but yet the tears just streams down nonstop.
and then when i was about to sleep, all the memories of tao's passing just flowed into my mind.
all those horrible pictures of him laying there serenely just broke my heart all over again and i was struggling to keep myself sane.
i just kept crying and crying.
i don't want to be negative.
really.
i want to be positive.
i keep thinking of the past.
and then i reminded myself that that was when everyone was still with me, including tao.
then i tried to think of all the times that i enjoyed myself during my bday.
i just tried getting these positive images into my mind, but how many times can i play them before they are taken over by images and memories in my childhood, where we played monopoly tgthr, where we played uno together, where we played maple together, where we bathed together, where we did all kinds of things together.
i want to overcome these negatives.
but i need more time.
and perhaps, sometimes it's really okay to be not okay.
i just want to be not okay for about a year?
or however long it takes me to get used to this shit.
i can never get over it, just get used to it.
because up till now, i still can't accept it.
forget it, wanted to study soci tonight and all i did was surfing the net.
at the very least i studied hard in the day.
it's time to put my mind to rest.
goodnight, world.
may i wake up to you being beautiful again.
it just really irks me.
no matter if you used to know that person or don't even know her at all.
of course the latter is worse.
i just feel why why why why!?!?
is there really a need to do that?
liking other girls' photos?
idk but neh thats probably the reason why i seldom use social media nowadays except for instagram???
even though most of the times i very much prefer to have only my close friends following me and all.
privacy i guess.
idk what am i ranting here now at this time of the day but i just feel like ranting.
probably stress reached its limits? idk.
but i am just getting more and more pissed as i think about it.
yes i should probably stop thinking.
but it's damn disgusting, in my opinion, that you are doing that.
or perhaps i should just chill that people check out people not exactly in the check-out way but more of the i'm-really-bored-there's-nothing-to-do-i-should-probably-do-some-stalking-to-pass-time way.
if i really do chill, and i don't care anymore, what's the consequences?
are there even consequences?
it's so hard to think about not caring anymore...
i always believe that the opposite of love is not hate (contrary to tay's pov) but indifference.
if i hate you, at the very very least there is still some emotions.
and the cause of the hatred could very well be love.
and indifference is just, well, nothing.
i don't feel anything for you, at all.
no negative emotions, no positive feelings.
you are just like a stranger, you can't affect me no more.
i stare at you, like you are just air.
i seem to be looking at you, but no, i'm actually staring past you at the blank space.
isn't that scarier?
being a stranger, seeing someone you know, but then that person doesn't even seem to know you.
that person doesn't even seem to know you exist.
which is worse?
idk, pick your stand.
if i love that person, i guess indifference would be so much more hurtful than hating.
at least if you hate me, i can affect you with the things i do, at least there is still some impact.
if you are just indifferent towards me, no matter what i do what i say, you can't see or hear...
i'm nothing, nobody.
that's scarier.
to me at least.
so, using you as the first persona, would you be afraid of me being indifferent to you?
would you be afraid that no matter what you say, there is no response from me?
would you be afraid that when you smile at me, i just stare at you blank?
would you be afraid that when i catch you looking at me, i don't even look away but stare past you?
would you be afraid of all these indifference?
indifference is worse than being treated like a stranger.
at least you offer a tiny help to strangers, like asking them which floor they stay in when you are in the lift, smiling at them when you help them pick up something they dropped, etc etc.
if i'm being indifferent, even if you drop dead in front of me, i wouldn't have any emotion, it's just blank.
tell me, which would you prefer?
i really don't know recently the negative emotions in me is due to stress or whatever.
i'm crying almost everyday.
i have so little sleep but i don't actually feel sleepy enough to get more.
tell me what to do, for i really don't know.
i keep turning to tao, staring at the ceiling/sky talking to him.
or i even turn to captain to feel some affection.
yes, it's actually just me giving myself some affection.
i know, i know, hang in there right?
be strong right?
and then?
sometimes, i just wanna give in to this negativity, and let it consume me.
consume me thoroughly and make me lose my mind entirely.
and probably at the end, i would feel much much better.
just like yesterday, like how i cried about how tay never made me his profile picture.
it's such a small thing, i was half-laughing at myself.
but i can't stop myself from throwing the stupid tantrum and i actually cried so badly that i was asking myself 'lee jia le what the fuck is wrong with you' but yet the tears just streams down nonstop.
and then when i was about to sleep, all the memories of tao's passing just flowed into my mind.
all those horrible pictures of him laying there serenely just broke my heart all over again and i was struggling to keep myself sane.
i just kept crying and crying.
i don't want to be negative.
really.
i want to be positive.
i keep thinking of the past.
and then i reminded myself that that was when everyone was still with me, including tao.
then i tried to think of all the times that i enjoyed myself during my bday.
i just tried getting these positive images into my mind, but how many times can i play them before they are taken over by images and memories in my childhood, where we played monopoly tgthr, where we played uno together, where we played maple together, where we bathed together, where we did all kinds of things together.
i want to overcome these negatives.
but i need more time.
and perhaps, sometimes it's really okay to be not okay.
i just want to be not okay for about a year?
or however long it takes me to get used to this shit.
i can never get over it, just get used to it.
because up till now, i still can't accept it.
forget it, wanted to study soci tonight and all i did was surfing the net.
at the very least i studied hard in the day.
it's time to put my mind to rest.
goodnight, world.
may i wake up to you being beautiful again.
Saturday, May 04, 2013
hihihi.
BLOGGING IS JUST AN EXCUSE FOR ME TO STOP STUDYING FOR A BIT.
there i said it.
hahaha okay boh liao.
i really really really cant wait for the end of exams and yet i am dreading them at the same time.
make sense? yes.
i can't wait to go JB with my girls.
and go JB with tay too.
yes JB alot of times i dun mind since the things there are cheap CHEAP!
i can't wait to just head out and probably go somewhere with some sea breeze. esplanade maybe??
or the merlion park hehe.
where me and tay kind of had our first date!?
or maybe third.
just that the first two i wasn't really interested in him LOLOL, more of him to me.
oh my charm lolol.
like on my bday we dined at one fullerton and aft dinner we walked around there and walked all the way to clarke quay the fire station there to take bus D:
maybe not very far but i was wearing heels so yes very far for my hurting feet.
but it was nice to just reminisce about that date of ours.
arguing about who kiss who first.
and excuse me sir, you pushed my head to your face so technically you took action first lollll.
it's really nice reminiscing the past and the best part is creating more moments to reminisce of course!
can't wait to create more of these lovely moments with tay before he leaves for europe for about TWO MONTHS!?!?
and with my friends of course aft tay leaves hahaha i will bug you girls lots and we shall go partayeeee!
okay and i shall find a job or smthing and find out what do i really really really like, except for opening a small shop of my own, as a job so i can save money and open a small little cafe just like the one at qibao (china shanghai) and sell postcards to people who wanna send them to the future. heh.
hmmmm.
i am hungry.
FOOOOOOOD.
okay bye.
there i said it.
hahaha okay boh liao.
i really really really cant wait for the end of exams and yet i am dreading them at the same time.
make sense? yes.
i can't wait to go JB with my girls.
and go JB with tay too.
yes JB alot of times i dun mind since the things there are cheap CHEAP!
i can't wait to just head out and probably go somewhere with some sea breeze. esplanade maybe??
or the merlion park hehe.
where me and tay kind of had our first date!?
or maybe third.
just that the first two i wasn't really interested in him LOLOL, more of him to me.
oh my charm lolol.
like on my bday we dined at one fullerton and aft dinner we walked around there and walked all the way to clarke quay the fire station there to take bus D:
maybe not very far but i was wearing heels so yes very far for my hurting feet.
but it was nice to just reminisce about that date of ours.
arguing about who kiss who first.
and excuse me sir, you pushed my head to your face so technically you took action first lollll.
it's really nice reminiscing the past and the best part is creating more moments to reminisce of course!
can't wait to create more of these lovely moments with tay before he leaves for europe for about TWO MONTHS!?!?
and with my friends of course aft tay leaves hahaha i will bug you girls lots and we shall go partayeeee!
okay and i shall find a job or smthing and find out what do i really really really like, except for opening a small shop of my own, as a job so i can save money and open a small little cafe just like the one at qibao (china shanghai) and sell postcards to people who wanna send them to the future. heh.
hmmmm.
i am hungry.
FOOOOOOOD.
okay bye.
Friday, May 03, 2013
WEE HOO WEE HOO
one down three more to go!
three consecutive ones at that T^T
crycry crycry.
and i have yet to start studying for today T^T
shall start soci omggg i hate it.
okay jiale jiayou.
blob blob blob yes i am here procrastinating again.
time to bathe liao byebye.
three consecutive ones at that T^T
crycry crycry.
and i have yet to start studying for today T^T
shall start soci omggg i hate it.
okay jiale jiayou.
blob blob blob yes i am here procrastinating again.
time to bathe liao byebye.
Thursday, May 02, 2013
having some kind of panic disorder or anxiety attack,
and i am staring at these two gifs to calm me down...
i also wanna try pressing my baby's face like this in the future hahahaha.
i also wanna try pressing my baby's face like this in the future hahahaha.
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