i really don't know,

but is it really just that guys tend to check out girls? using social media of course.
it just really irks me.
no matter if you used to know that person or don't even know her at all.
of course the latter is worse.
i just feel why why why why!?!?
is there really a need to do that?
liking other girls' photos?
idk but neh thats probably the reason why i seldom use social media nowadays except for instagram???
even though most of the times i very much prefer to have only my close friends following me and all.
privacy i guess.
idk what am i ranting here now at this time of the day but i just feel like ranting.
probably stress reached its limits? idk.
but i am just getting more and more pissed as i think about it.
yes i should probably stop thinking.
but it's damn disgusting, in my opinion, that you are doing that.
or perhaps i should just chill that people check out people not exactly in the check-out way but more of the i'm-really-bored-there's-nothing-to-do-i-should-probably-do-some-stalking-to-pass-time way.
if i really do chill, and i don't care anymore, what's the consequences?
are there even consequences?
it's so hard to think about not caring anymore...
i always believe that the opposite of love is not hate (contrary to tay's pov) but indifference.
if i hate you, at the very very least there is still some emotions.
and the cause of the hatred could very well be love.
and indifference is just, well, nothing.
i don't feel anything for you, at all.
no negative emotions, no positive feelings.
you are just like a stranger, you can't affect me no more.
i stare at you, like you are just air.
i seem to be looking at you, but no, i'm actually staring past you at the blank space.
isn't that scarier?
being a stranger, seeing someone you know, but then that person doesn't even seem to know you.
that person doesn't even seem to know you exist.
which is worse?
idk, pick your stand.
if i love that person, i guess indifference would be so much more hurtful than hating.
at least if you hate me, i can affect you with the things i do, at least there is still some impact.
if you are just indifferent towards me, no matter what i do what i say, you can't see or hear...
i'm nothing, nobody.
that's scarier.
to me at least.
so, using you as the first persona, would you be afraid of me being indifferent to you?
would you be afraid that no matter what you say, there is no response from me?
would you be afraid that when you smile at me, i just stare at you blank?
would you be afraid that when i catch you looking at me, i don't even look away but stare past you?
would you be afraid of all these indifference?

indifference is worse than being treated like a stranger.
at least you offer a tiny help to strangers, like asking them which floor they stay in when you are in the lift, smiling at them when you help them pick up something they dropped, etc etc.
if i'm being indifferent, even if you drop dead in front of me, i wouldn't have any emotion, it's just blank.
tell me, which would you prefer?

i really don't know recently the negative emotions in me is due to stress or whatever.
i'm crying almost everyday.
i have so little sleep but i don't actually feel sleepy enough to get more.
tell me what to do, for i really don't know.
i keep turning to tao, staring at the ceiling/sky talking to him.
or i even turn to captain to feel some affection.
yes, it's actually just me giving myself some affection.
i know, i know, hang in there right?
be strong right?
and then?
sometimes, i just wanna give in to this negativity, and let it consume me.
consume me thoroughly and make me lose my mind entirely.
and probably at the end, i would feel much much better.
just like yesterday, like how i cried about how tay never made me his profile picture.
it's such a small thing, i was half-laughing at myself.
but i can't stop myself from throwing the stupid tantrum and i actually cried so badly that i was asking myself 'lee jia le what the fuck is wrong with you' but yet the tears just streams down nonstop.
and then when i was about to sleep, all the memories of tao's passing just flowed into my mind.
all those horrible pictures of him laying there serenely just broke my heart all over again and i was struggling to keep myself sane.
i just kept crying and crying.
i don't want to be negative.
really.
i want to be positive.
i keep thinking of the past.
and then i reminded myself that that was when everyone was still with me, including tao.
then i tried to think of all the times that i enjoyed myself during my bday.
i just tried getting these positive images into my mind, but how many times can i play them before they are taken over by images and memories in my childhood, where we played monopoly tgthr, where we played uno together, where we played maple together, where we bathed together, where we did all kinds of things together.
i want to overcome these negatives.
but i need more time.
and perhaps, sometimes it's really okay to be not okay.
i just want to be not okay for about a year?
or however long it takes me to get used to this shit.
i can never get over it, just get used to it.
because up till now, i still can't accept it.
forget it, wanted to study soci tonight and all i did was surfing the net.
at the very least i studied hard in the day.
it's time to put my mind to rest.
goodnight, world.
may i wake up to you being beautiful again.