just wanna post a picture here,

a wink because i can HAHA.
okay bye.

up till now, i still cannot decide whether to study at night or in the morning, so i am always wandering between sleeping early or late.
i love the serenity and stillness of the night and how i look out i see pitch black which empties my thoughts and help me focus, then again i love how the morning smells like, fresh and warm and little bustling noises made by people from downstairs.
from the looks of it i should probably just sleep in the afternoon when the sun is blazing and shines through the window and on me who is studying hard at my study table which is right next to the window making me sweat like crazy. lol. but my sleeping hours will be very crazy D:
or i can just take naps~
okay whatever, i need to finish this article before i sleep. okay goodbye.

my parents told me i don't understand the importance of getting a degree before working,
i told them they don't understand my desire to provide for myself first before considering further studies.
you ask me why?
probably because i feel that my opinions will only matter and i will only be acknowledged AFTER i start earning my keep and provide for this family.
and it sucks to keep trying to get money from your parents when you know they are not that able to. yes i dun just mean my allowance, even my fucking school fees.
you tell me not to worry about money, but to be honest, i can't. because i have been watching how money causing so much problems in the house for how many years? please help me count how many years i have been living in this world thanks.
sometimes all i hope is to be understood, and understand why i do the things i do, and how i think.
i really hate money matters, and i have always sworn to myself that i will earn enough money to support myself even after i get married.
i really hate the problems that money causes, or should i say human beings are the root of all these evil?
yes, we are not fucking poor, but do you know how i feel when i see the face you have when i get money from you?
i think, one line my dad told me when i was young affected me a lot.
he said, 'if you want me to stop smoking, then you have to wait till you start providing for this family, then when we start using your money, i will listen to you as to how to spend your money. now i am spending my money, so you can't tell me how to spend my money, right?'
yup i can't.
i initially wanted to put this up on facebook in the hopes that my parents will read it and hopefully understand how i feel for once.
but i guess, you aren't supposed to wash the dirty linens of your family in public eh?
this is also the public, but it's still a lot more private than facebook.
and perhaps even though i am writing this here, i am still hoping that they will discover it.
i really hate studying now, hate how it is interfering with me getting on with my life.
fuck this shit.

renting a room.

thinking of moving out to live.
this must be the umpteenth time that this thought came to my mind.
and how my friends all volunteered to lease me the spaces in their homes hahaha.
and also why i have been pestering tay to get a house, and i wouldn't mind staying there by myself, because i really just want some space.
this would definitely come true in 2-3years' time, because i will make it come true.
at the very least i would be where i want to be.
should i rent a room? but staying alone in a room with other people in the house poses its risks too? :/
i might not actually have that privacy i was looking for.
i think i am a loner at heart.
maybe i just need a cosier home, with less clutters and things.
may i get out before i really suffocate.

the one song that never fails to calm my mind, heart and soul.

to my tao,

tay showed me this performance by a contestant on chao ji ou xiang (super idol) and she sang this song and it was so touching and beautiful and all i thought of was you, and i couldn't help but tear so much when i heard it.

i started tearing at the line 'it's not that i must have you back', which is quite true.

because sometimes i can continue living without you here, but when i start flipping some memories, and then they come gushing out at one go.. 

suddenly i dk what to do..

do you feel me missing you?

so so so so badly that i wanna punch everyone for taking you away.

it sucks to feel that your life has been so cruelly cut short, or am i just being very selfish to want you here with me till the end of my time in this world?

sometimes when i feel like just moping around, i will think of you and make myself try harder, tell myself that i want to continue living for you, but then again i dk how to do it..

i miss your voice, your laughter, your everything..

i want to pinch your face and then laugh at your mole asking why you have a fly on your face.

i want to knock your head with my knuckles like how you always do to me.

i want to hear you talk about how we used to fight and you can never believe that i bit your big toe aft you taunt me to.

are you missing me as i miss you?

i really want to believe in afterlife, after you are gone.

are you doing well with ahgong and ahma?

let them know i miss them too..

some heartaches just never go away..

and you are one of mine..

and i looked for the vid for the performance..

when i want to have a good cry, i guess i would be here :)

it caught me, again.

Somehow the crying bug caught me and it's been bugging me tonight.
I have actually spent a cheerful day but the last part of it reminiscing the past w clara reminded me of so much.
There are not just miserables, but also happinesses.
(Yes I created those words lol but you get what I mean!)
Sometimes I look at the future thinking of it as the future and then suddenly, I am in the future.
I guess this is what they mean by time flying past.
I guess this is why we should not look too far back in the past or too far ahead in the future, because it is far more important to decide how you want to spend now.
Reminiscing serves as a reminder of all the things we have done wrong and right, and tells us of all the experiences that we had.
Imagining the future gives us a ray of hope as to the surprises we are going to get tomorrow.
I must always remember that 'we will always have our own time to live every single age and not envy others, be it young or old.' (As adapted from 'Tuesdays with Morrie' by Mitch Albom heh.)
I have had my time of being 5, 10, 16, and 18 years old. Soon, the sweet 21 years old me will be leaving too.
Perhaps I should learn to say goodbye, as I flip through every chapter of my life, I need to say goodbye to everyone in my life as I know them at 21, so I can know them again when I am 22. :)
Saying goodbye is probably not as bad as what people think, and it is important because life is so unpredictable.
I used to think that 'these only happen to other people', but I stopped being so naive ever since ortao's accident.
When you see someone so close leaving this world with no time to say goodbyes, I want my closest people to know how much I love them, having this here would remind them that.
And doing this after every chapter of my life might be very necessary,  for it not only gets me prepared, it helps me face my deepest and truest feelings to the lovely people around me.
I actually thought of these while I was bathing, and had a speech that just came out flowing out of my mouth without thinking much.
Yes I actually had a speech in the bathroom with the toilet bowl as my audience, and I cried as I said it.
Perhaps it was because it was my truest feelings, it touched even myself. Lol.
I am not touched by my own words, but rather, the gratitude I felt towards my loved ones as I recall all that they did for me, despite me for being me.

I am not the nicest person in the world, not the best daughter, sister, girlfriend, friend, granddaughter, niece, cousin.. I have always spoken my mind, so much so that it probably hurt a lot of people around me, and yet I am the only one who didn't notice that. I very often spoke without thinking, and I know it's a big problem. I will change, for you, and for me. I am grateful to my parents, who gave me a lot of their firsts. It was my first time being someone's child, as to theirs being someone's parents. It was my first time learning how to talk, and their first to teach their child how. It was my first time eating by myself, and their first to guide their child's hands. As I faced all my firsts, I forgot how it was like to be their firsts, too. I am sorry to have blamed you for many things, for I forgot that as lost as I am, you are lost too. I am grateful to my sisters, for they showed me that I have always to hold my stand, be firm and be that reliable person they need. They taught me strength, and that will hold me together, throughout my life. Most of all, they gave me a shot at being a little parent, and showed me the wonders of life as I watched them grew. Life is just so beautiful and magical. Who knew the little chaps who used to totter around behind me would grew up to be almost as tall as me? Though still not as tall haha. I am than9kful for tay, for showing me that some things are meant to be held back, and that not everyone have the same values as me, and that doesn't mean that I should disrespect their values. My friends all have the similar traits and values as me, and that's probably why they are my friends, and you showed me how vastly different people can be, and we should learn how to agree to disagree, esp with regard to our differences. Thank you for being the exact opposite of me, and showing me that different world I would otherwise be unable to see. Thank you for showing me patience, and I hope I can master that in the future. I am grateful towards my cousins and aunts and uncles, for doing their utmost to guide me along the way, becoming the extra 'siblings' or showing me the different walks of life. Esp xiao gu, for trusting in me and who I am, and always remembering me when you buy things and all our little chats about life. I am grateful to my ahgong and ahmas, and perhaps also the ahgong I have never seen, thankyou for not seeing me as just another grandchild despite the many grandchildren you have. Thank you ahma for always loving me, the warmest pats on the hands, the stuffing of money, the little hugs. Thank you ahma and ahgong, tho you have both left, but I will always rmb how you never forgot me even if I missed the visit to your place, asking mum to tabao my fave food back for me, rushing around to make me milo, pour me soft drinks, hurrying to get towels aft we played in the rain. Thank you to my grandparents for treating me like a little princess, even after I had grown up. I am grateful to my friends, who always looked upon me as a little girl, despite me being the eldest kid at home. Always trying their best to protect me from any harm and hurt. Always looking out for me. Sorry for my blunt and harsh words sometimes. And sorry for the nonsensical things that I do and say. Sorry for how sometimes my brain just works a little slowly, and for the endless questions and whys I have in my curious mind. Thank you for trying to know and understand me. Thank you for all the laughters and smiles. Thank you for trying to be there for me.

Okay this is my goodbye for this chapter of my life.
I have learnt a lot, and realised what I have to improve on.
I finally understood that it is not changing who I am, but striving to become the better me.
I await for a better tempered me lol. Please don't say it's impossible.
For I still believe that the world is magical, and you should too, looking at all these beautiful things and people around you.
See how magical it is that we grow so tall from so short and how we can see rainbows and fly up to the skies and how we can hear melodies.
There is too much magic around us that we neglect. For the most magical thing is that we actually are born in the same time period so we could meet and create all these beautiful memories. :')
This is for me, and most of all, you.

for when i need a break,

whenever i feel so overwhelmed by life and the things in it, i just drop by tumblr and submerge in my fangirl self in shinee gifs and pictures. and looking at their retarded acts and smiles just make me smile and then i fall into this world of just smiles and plain happiness with no worries. it's like a little internet getaway for me. hehe.

HAPPY

I HAVE BEEN VERY HAPPY RECENTLY AND I NEED TO BLOG ABOUT THE DETAILS ASAP BUT I AM STUCK W SCHOOLWORK AND I CANT FINISH BY TML WHICH IS THE 2ND LAST CLASS FML DK IF I CAN FINISH IT BY TUE OKAY BYE I WILL BE BACK LIKE ERM SOON!! SO I CAN BE APPRECIATIVE TO THE LOVELY PEOPLE AROUND ME HELLO I LOVE YOU ALL OKAY PARDON THE LACK OF PUNCTUATION I AM USED TO PRESSING THE SHIFT KEY WHILE TYPING IN CAPS SO I CANT EXACTLY TYPE FULLSTOP WITH THE SHIFT KEY PRESSED LOL OKAY BYE!

my baby.

nope i am not talking about tay here.
nor am i talking about my two penguins lol.
i am also not announcing any pregnancy or marriage.
just wanted to come here and talk about this dream i had two nights back and in the dream, i gave birth to this extremely cute and chubby baby and it din hurt at all (maybe cause i was dreaming) and i dun actually rmb giving birth lol.
i just rmb i was about to give birth then boom the baby's there and i opened my eyes and i was at this huge house with everyone surrounding me congratulating me and i was carrying my baby.
and i laid the baby in his cot (it's a he. i just know even though he is wrapped in a white cloth instead of blue or pink) and walked around looking at everyone and then everyone swarmed to the baby as i walked around in my huge house (did i mention it was huge? okay i did twice lol).
then i walked back into the room where my baby is and everyone was commenting how his eyes looked like mine and ohmy it really does look like mine and i was just very very happy and i still rmb bits and pieces of the deco and the layout of the house.
tay asked me who was there, and i couldnt actually recognise anyone? :/
and he kept asking me (everytime i bring up this dream) if he's the father (HAHA) and my answer was yes, at least i really think it's him hahaha. (you know how you always forget your dream once you wake up)
and when i woke up and looked at him HE ACTUALLY HAS THE SAME EYES AS THE BABY okay i dk anymore.
i cannot forget about the dream because of how happy i was in the dream and i just love being so happy and surrounded that people i love and love me.
:')
i think maybe i just want a party or gathering where EVERYONE i love is there.
it will probably come true when i get married tho hahaha.
okay i love that baby alr and i love my dream and i hope i will love my life even more. ^^
the dream will either become a future of mine or it was a scene in my past life hahaha kbye.

i need something out of the norm.
i dun want to go out to just go to the movies, or eating, or shopping.
okay i definitely need to eat but i dw just that.
i dw st games/playnation either, it's just becoming wayyy too often.
a k session is probably not too bad? but i want something newer.
probably like a picnic? a visit to the museum? ice skating/cycling?
i just need to do something new.
so i would stop feeling sick of everything.
i should probably go for a swim as well...
been wanting to go swimming but i havent for the longest time :(
i need to feel the water surrounding me and just feel the free body movements again.
i just want to do something more out of the norm.
the norm for me i mean.
oh sigh.
please make some adventures for me and you to venture in.