it caught me, again.

Somehow the crying bug caught me and it's been bugging me tonight.
I have actually spent a cheerful day but the last part of it reminiscing the past w clara reminded me of so much.
There are not just miserables, but also happinesses.
(Yes I created those words lol but you get what I mean!)
Sometimes I look at the future thinking of it as the future and then suddenly, I am in the future.
I guess this is what they mean by time flying past.
I guess this is why we should not look too far back in the past or too far ahead in the future, because it is far more important to decide how you want to spend now.
Reminiscing serves as a reminder of all the things we have done wrong and right, and tells us of all the experiences that we had.
Imagining the future gives us a ray of hope as to the surprises we are going to get tomorrow.
I must always remember that 'we will always have our own time to live every single age and not envy others, be it young or old.' (As adapted from 'Tuesdays with Morrie' by Mitch Albom heh.)
I have had my time of being 5, 10, 16, and 18 years old. Soon, the sweet 21 years old me will be leaving too.
Perhaps I should learn to say goodbye, as I flip through every chapter of my life, I need to say goodbye to everyone in my life as I know them at 21, so I can know them again when I am 22. :)
Saying goodbye is probably not as bad as what people think, and it is important because life is so unpredictable.
I used to think that 'these only happen to other people', but I stopped being so naive ever since ortao's accident.
When you see someone so close leaving this world with no time to say goodbyes, I want my closest people to know how much I love them, having this here would remind them that.
And doing this after every chapter of my life might be very necessary,  for it not only gets me prepared, it helps me face my deepest and truest feelings to the lovely people around me.
I actually thought of these while I was bathing, and had a speech that just came out flowing out of my mouth without thinking much.
Yes I actually had a speech in the bathroom with the toilet bowl as my audience, and I cried as I said it.
Perhaps it was because it was my truest feelings, it touched even myself. Lol.
I am not touched by my own words, but rather, the gratitude I felt towards my loved ones as I recall all that they did for me, despite me for being me.

I am not the nicest person in the world, not the best daughter, sister, girlfriend, friend, granddaughter, niece, cousin.. I have always spoken my mind, so much so that it probably hurt a lot of people around me, and yet I am the only one who didn't notice that. I very often spoke without thinking, and I know it's a big problem. I will change, for you, and for me. I am grateful to my parents, who gave me a lot of their firsts. It was my first time being someone's child, as to theirs being someone's parents. It was my first time learning how to talk, and their first to teach their child how. It was my first time eating by myself, and their first to guide their child's hands. As I faced all my firsts, I forgot how it was like to be their firsts, too. I am sorry to have blamed you for many things, for I forgot that as lost as I am, you are lost too. I am grateful to my sisters, for they showed me that I have always to hold my stand, be firm and be that reliable person they need. They taught me strength, and that will hold me together, throughout my life. Most of all, they gave me a shot at being a little parent, and showed me the wonders of life as I watched them grew. Life is just so beautiful and magical. Who knew the little chaps who used to totter around behind me would grew up to be almost as tall as me? Though still not as tall haha. I am than9kful for tay, for showing me that some things are meant to be held back, and that not everyone have the same values as me, and that doesn't mean that I should disrespect their values. My friends all have the similar traits and values as me, and that's probably why they are my friends, and you showed me how vastly different people can be, and we should learn how to agree to disagree, esp with regard to our differences. Thank you for being the exact opposite of me, and showing me that different world I would otherwise be unable to see. Thank you for showing me patience, and I hope I can master that in the future. I am grateful towards my cousins and aunts and uncles, for doing their utmost to guide me along the way, becoming the extra 'siblings' or showing me the different walks of life. Esp xiao gu, for trusting in me and who I am, and always remembering me when you buy things and all our little chats about life. I am grateful to my ahgong and ahmas, and perhaps also the ahgong I have never seen, thankyou for not seeing me as just another grandchild despite the many grandchildren you have. Thank you ahma for always loving me, the warmest pats on the hands, the stuffing of money, the little hugs. Thank you ahma and ahgong, tho you have both left, but I will always rmb how you never forgot me even if I missed the visit to your place, asking mum to tabao my fave food back for me, rushing around to make me milo, pour me soft drinks, hurrying to get towels aft we played in the rain. Thank you to my grandparents for treating me like a little princess, even after I had grown up. I am grateful to my friends, who always looked upon me as a little girl, despite me being the eldest kid at home. Always trying their best to protect me from any harm and hurt. Always looking out for me. Sorry for my blunt and harsh words sometimes. And sorry for the nonsensical things that I do and say. Sorry for how sometimes my brain just works a little slowly, and for the endless questions and whys I have in my curious mind. Thank you for trying to know and understand me. Thank you for all the laughters and smiles. Thank you for trying to be there for me.

Okay this is my goodbye for this chapter of my life.
I have learnt a lot, and realised what I have to improve on.
I finally understood that it is not changing who I am, but striving to become the better me.
I await for a better tempered me lol. Please don't say it's impossible.
For I still believe that the world is magical, and you should too, looking at all these beautiful things and people around you.
See how magical it is that we grow so tall from so short and how we can see rainbows and fly up to the skies and how we can hear melodies.
There is too much magic around us that we neglect. For the most magical thing is that we actually are born in the same time period so we could meet and create all these beautiful memories. :')
This is for me, and most of all, you.