i should stop trying so hard.

i should really stop trying so hard to:

• please others.
• define myself and who i am.
• plan my life.
• try to control my life and everything that happens around me.
• not being unhappy or miserable.
• make others go my way.
• fight against everything that i hate.
• dread all the unhappiness that might or might not happen to me.

i should probably just go with the flow.

stay happy and contented and then good things will just happen.

make every moment count.

and blog more.

i really love how blogging sorts out my thoughts.

and i should probably write more in my organizer.

keke.

despite my fats, i feel a lot lighter these days.

all i need to do is to be carefree and worry-free lalala~

dance about and i only need to worry about what should i have for my next meal :D

physical touch.

I love physical touches.
I love leaning on my friends' shoulders and hooking their arms.
In the five love languages, physical touch ranks the highest in my list if I didn't remember it wrongly.
Yes there is a test for it and I did it before and posted the results here too hahaha.
And I'm so v glad that we are holding hands a lot more often now.
We are like holding hands almost all the time and it's so very very very comforting somehow.
Altho partly it means that you have no hands for your phone hahahaha okay just kidding but I actually half mean it but I mostly focus on the fact that we are just holding and playing w each other's hands/fingers.
There is just this familiarity that is unspoken and there is this chemistry between us where no words are exchanged but yet we said everything.
Or it might be the romantic side of me coming out trying to give meanings to every little action hahaha.
Result of too much dramas~
Just grateful about friends family and tay these two days since it's the two days when I managed to spend time w all 3.
I am loved and so are you. ♡

exhaustion.

And I dont even know where this exhaustion I am feeling comes from.

Maybe it's cause I'm not focusing on anything at all?

There is just so much things going through my mind at any one time that it seems to be flipping faster than a flipbook.

I have so many thoughts unsorted out because I myself am confused. 

This is probably the main reason why I am so fickle minded and indecisive, for I can change my mind in a blink.

I can't really concentrate and I guess wanting to achieve a lot of things at one go isn't that possible afterall.

I should just take it slow and relax and be confident about life.

But I'm finding myself compartmentalizing such that I can separate my emotions from me.

I'm starting to look at my emotions from a third party pov and trying to find a rational reason why I feel the way I do.

I know it's dumb because there is nothing rational about feelings but I guess I am just trying to justify the actions caused.

I always forgot that thinking is not enough. I need actions. 

I shouldn't be waiting around waiting for a RIGHT time to do something.

I will nv know when is the right moment ever coming.

I need to act act act.

Do something to change this.

It's all in my hands.

some personal touch.

it's been REALLY long since i last had a proper phone call.
by 'proper' i mean a htht over phone.
and i'd like to thank the lovely adeline toh who reminded me how nice it is to have a long chat once in a while.
it seems like a break from all the greetings through social media.
plain text can never replace real human voice.
a voice with tones and shrieks and exclamation and highs and lows.
:') grateful.

The glass of water.

i saw this text on twitter and could instantly relate to it,

A psychologist walked around a room while teaching stress management to an audience. As she raised a glass of water, everyone expected they'd be asked the 'half empty or half full' question. Instead, with a smile on her face, she inquired: 'How heavy is this glass of water?'

Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.

She replied, 'The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my arm. If I hold it for a day, my arm will feel numb and paralyzed. In each case, the weight of the glass doesn't change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.'

She continued, 'The stresses and worries in life are like that glass of water. Think about them for a while and nothing happens. Think about them a bit longer and they begin to hurt. And if you think about them all day long, you will feel paralyzed - incapable of doing anything.' 

Remember to put the glass down.

recently, all i wanna do is to laze and mope around.
i do absolutely nothing for the whole day and feel exhausted somehow.
yes, i have been thinking a lot, and i din even realize the stress i am giving myself through all these worries about life.
i kept telling myself to not think too much into the future so far ahead, but yet i can't help myself.
now, i suppose i should put that glass now.
i should let go of these worries and stresses.
i should not let them dictate my life.
i can do better than that, i am better than that.
leap of faith is what i need to do now.
all i can do now is to trust in myself and the decisions i make.
i will will myself to be so much happier.

it will get better.

i promise everything will get better.
so don't worry.
it sucks to see so many negative posts.
smile more.
yes you already do. but even more.
laugh a whole lot more.
do so many silly things that makes you want to laugh at yourself.
so what?
just laugh.

fix it or break it?

back here again, emo-ing.
what's new.
tears are coming, flowing down again.
oh really?
i feel so tired on so many levels, that, i don't know where to begin.
i want to be a baby again.
with no memories, no emotions other than happy and sad.
but i guess this is life.
there is no restart button.
you can't just erase everything that is unhappy in your life.
imagine how empty that would be.
if you have to actually lose your memory.
sometimes i feel so tired about life, and then i try to express somewhere and then people come and talk to me about it.
don't get me wrong.
i'm really grateful for all the people who care.
and there's always this little but.
i would have to be strong.
because when i'm in a heap of misery, i'm just a pile of something, or maybe nothing.
we all live for others, we really do.
but when people hurt you, all you want to do is to hurt them back, ten times worse.
even if this is not the case for you, it's the case for me.
sometimes, it's not ten times worse, because emotional pain can never be comparable to physical ones.
you know when you are just so overwhelmed by it you can't even cry?
there is this detached feeling you feel.
like the real you is a step behind, staring at you facing all these things, or even scolding/beating up the person who did you wrong.
you feel so empty and filled with anger at the same time.
it's so weird how human beings are able to feel all these.
it's like how my tummy is growling out of hunger now but at the same time i have no appetite for anyth at all.
using physical pain to cover up for emotional pain is stupid i know.
and i guess i'd just have to find a way to vent it out somehow.
if i shouldn't punch myself, then can i punch others?
a punching bag.
oh i suppose i should go learn some muay thai?
so i can punch and kick the hell out of something/someone.
and then nobody would judge me for being violent.
or maybe i should look for smthing to do which makes me happy?
like dancing and prancing around like a mad woman while singing loudly (and horribly) without caring about pitch or whatsoever.
you know how taylor swift prance around like a madwoman in her mv 'you belong with me'?
my sis once said it's like how i dance at home sometimes.
and i haven done that silly childish thing for a long time.
i should probably do it again.

I'm a cheat.

had this random chat with tay while sitting around and waiting for our movie time tonight (or technically last night).
i think it has been really long since we last had a real talk.
i was telling him about how i have been feeling like all i do now is to survive, instead of living.
a better phrase in chinese is 得过且过.
and i feel like i have been cheating life, or rather myself.
i have been subconsciously telling myself that if i don't see it, time doesn't pass.
but it does.
it's almost the end of 2013 and i am not proud of myself so far at all.
all the big words i said at the start of this year, i doubt i have even achieved even 10% of them.
i have been just going around with the motions of life.
and i can't seem to discipline myself, or this is probably just an excuse again.
i love finding excuses for myself, one big fault of mine.
i need to fix myself.
but i won't and then time will pass again.
i don't even know what i am afraid of.
i just keep waiting for the time when i will miraculously be able to do everything and know everything, instead of learning or trying it out NOW.
NOW is the word.
do it NOW.
there is no better time than NOW.
but yet i just want to lie and mope around and do absolutely nothing at all.
oh great.
it starts tomorrow.
that's what i tell myself everyday.
fts it's 2am i can only start tml.
argh stop procrastinating.
okay goodbye.

stuck, forever.

have you ever touched your face after tearing/crying?
do you feel that same stickiness i did on your face where tears has rolled down?
these tears seem to be the underlying feelings or emotions you have for a certain person.
even if the cause is a drama, it meant that you are able to relate due to a specific someone.
and the sticky aftereffect seems to be telling you how you will be stuck to that person, forever.
the feelings you have felt will never go away, since it already happened.
and the memories you share w that someone will always be there.
memories are the most most most precious belonging anyone could have.
and this is probably why i fear dying, because i fear that i would forget all these memories that i have now, if i were to reincarnate aft i die.
i would never want to forget anything.
and i am trying my best to note them down as i go along in my life.
it is really important to me.
and to you, i will always remember you.
there are so much memories we share that it seems to be overflowing.
i promise that i will forever treasure these memories, as proof that you were alive, with us.
it still hurts that you are no longer here to create more memories, and be prepared to receive scoldings from me when i see you next time.
i miss your voice and your smell and your touch.
i still remember how i dare not touch you when i first saw you in that state.
i guess i was afraid of that cold touch where i would have to admit that fact.
up till now, honestly, i still want to run from that reality.
but i will learn to live with it.
i will be able to do so, but that doesn't mean you will be forgotten.
i love you, forever and always.