I absolutely hate being disappointed.
This is why I hate changing of plans.
You dun even know how much I have been looking forward to it till you push me down the cliff into the valley of disappointments.
And as I free fall I desperately reach out but you dun grab me, because you din even realise it.
And when I scream, you look at me like I'm unreasonable.
It's not good to be over-sensitive, but it's not good to be under-sensitive too.
You din even realise how many times you have done it, and all the while I was just waiting for you to feel apologetic and tell me that you wun fly me another kite no more.
Yes this is considered as that.
Making plans aft you've agreed w me is not cool at all yo.
You just seem to see past my black face and only hear me saying 'okay?'.
I'm not agreeing w you, I'm asking you if you are sure you are doing this to me.
Or are you just too busy playing games or replying whatsapp on your phone that you dun see me anymore?
Where is the person who complained about me being on my phone too much?
I have actually cultivated the habit of keeping my phone in my bag most of the times when I'm w you.
Smartphone and technology has deprived us of so much personal touch and feelings that we are starting to think that we have none.
I really miss the past where ppl interact irl more.
I do appreciate a call every now and then.
Nothing else but just talking and laughing.
Complaining whining reassuring listening comforting stupid lame jokes what's that noise over there what's that sound goodnight I'm getting tired why dun you wait for me to hang up first.
It seemed better when you were in europe. At least we treasured every phone call we could have. Every audio clip every picture every video.
You may think this is a complaint but im just trying to be heard, testing if there's any chance I'm louder than your dota and diablo.

i have not been updating my life much.
well, there is nothing much to update.
i dun feel alive most of the times.
just going through the motions.
there is this growing resentment in me that i have ignored but eventually (now) i have to admit its existence.
i want to fight somebody so bad.
i want something so negative to happen to me so i have a legit reason to cry all day and night.
i want to just keep crying.
where has the cheerful jiale gone to once again?
i recognise that this is a gradual change.
there was a buildup, but i pretended it wasn't there.
and now that it is so great in me that i couldn't pretend anymore.
i feel so hateful towards this world, which don't seem to listen, and cooped up in their own individual greeds and demands.
i want to scream at people, for not being kind enough for not being gracious enough.
but then again, i should probably look at myself.
i'm not that great either.
and then i want to scream at myself.
i want to scream at everybody else.
i want to scream at the sea at the road in the mrt in the bus.
i want to push everyone away and jump into the sea.
i want to submerge into the water and dissolve into bubbles and melt away.
i want to become the wind, blowing past people.
i want to become the sun, shining so bright.
i want to become nature, all because i don't want to think no more.
all the fighting over every single scarce resources in this selfish world.
i don't want to plan my life, i want to live my life.
but there is this stupid structure in which if we don't follow, we will die.
or is this just a myth?
i hate everybody i hate you.
i hate all that go against me because yes i'm always right.
i am an extremely self-centred person.
well, admit it, most people would think they are always right.
when you point at my nose and call me wrong because of your own pov, isn't it because you think your pov is more 'right' than mine?
i want to punch somebody so hard in the nose that i yell in pain.
so hard that my knuckles feel that they are breaking.
i don't want to do what is socially right or politically right.
i don't want to do something i dislike in order to do something i like in the future.
i don't believe in this compensation shit.
i want my own space my own place.
i'm reaching my limits soon.
i'm no longer telling people how i really feel now.
is this part of maturing/growing up?
if so, i can tell why everyone doesn't want to grow up.
if not, then i suppose i need a cure somewhere somehow.
i hate people who tell me this and then do another thing the next moment.
i hate you now, for lying to me and then making a promise to somebody else.
don't bullshit me with your talk.
it's not going to work.
i hate you.
so fucking much.
yes right now.
you fucking suck.
it's not the first time this happened.
i'm at my limits.
it doesn't matter how much you tolerated me for all my fucked up attitude.
because they are not the same.
i said i don't believe in this compensation shit.

everyone lives in the same way;

All of us feel afraid, scared, lost, sad, miserable, uneasy, worried, unsure, happy, exhilarated, excited, contented, hopeful, etc etc.
It's just that the amount of each may differ for each person.
But knowing that everyone feels the same way makes you less lonely somehow, right?
We all live the same way, it's just how we keep ourselves alive.
This seems like a big dream but I want to reach out to the highest number of people possible and inject them the greatest positive energy and feelings.
Idk how I'll be going about doing this but I'm sure I'll achieve it somehow.
Now hwaiting for the baby steps!

time is ticking,

and days are passing by one by one.
something is missing.
is my soul there?
am i living the life or just going through this routine?
i want to learn something, but yet i can't get my butt down to do it.
i should be studying for a bit, but i can't stop my fingers from typing into my phone and mac.
and i'm not even exactly looking for anything.
all i am doing is to refresh twitter, refresh instag, type nonsense into the address bar.
i don't even know what i am doing.
i am just passing through the motions, putting absolutely no thoughts into my actions.
i kept thinking of the future, of what it might bring me.
is that wrong?
should i start thinking about the present instead?
for every present moment is the future moment of the moment that only just passed.
i should start sitting down and do up a plan eh?
so that i would have no excuse for myself to procrastinate and getting distracted by erm.. nothing at all.
getting so very sick by social media.
the one that i use the most is instagram.
probably because i like the idea of looking at beautiful pictures and each picture do speak a thousand words, albeit the crazily long captions and the hashtags that makes my eyes go #_#
STTTTTOOOOP.
i just want to look at beautiful things and i probably should unfollow 'friends' which make me ponder whether i should like their photo for the sake of liking or proof that 'yea we are friends'....
i need to stop wrapping myself and just sitting around waiting for something to happen.
i should be the one MAKING something happen.
i have to START doing something, but as they always say, the start is always the toughest.
the first baby step is always full of fear.
okay jiale, what fear is there?
when you start to fear, you lose.
and you like being the daredevil so don't be fearful.
i am gonna do it.
i am gonna try out whatever i want to try.
i am gonna show you, show the world what i can be, what you can be, what we can be.
i need to give more, to the people around me.
i need to show how much they mean to me.
i need to try harder.
i need to not just type and actually do it.
i probably need a reminder, i need your help.
to remind me, by showing me how much you care, and in return i will show you mine too.
okay all these are getting nonsensical but i hope you understand.
thank you so much, for you.

I have been scolding vulgarities more and more often, more so than I'd like.
People says that scolding vulgarities means that ons is a v honest person, but I guess this isn't the case for me.
The louder I scold, the harder I want me to be heard.
The more I scold, the more I wish things would change.
The restrictions of this world ain't gonna bind me.

I need to sleep earlier.

Becoming more and more unwilling to sleep at night.
Idk what's wrong?
Am I so afraid of the end of the day?
It's not even insomnia.
Okay can.
Now still come type blog post.
I should really sleep.
Goodnight.