i have not been updating my life much.
well, there is nothing much to update.
i dun feel alive most of the times.
just going through the motions.
there is this growing resentment in me that i have ignored but eventually (now) i have to admit its existence.
i want to fight somebody so bad.
i want something so negative to happen to me so i have a legit reason to cry all day and night.
i want to just keep crying.
where has the cheerful jiale gone to once again?
i recognise that this is a gradual change.
there was a buildup, but i pretended it wasn't there.
and now that it is so great in me that i couldn't pretend anymore.
i feel so hateful towards this world, which don't seem to listen, and cooped up in their own individual greeds and demands.
i want to scream at people, for not being kind enough for not being gracious enough.
but then again, i should probably look at myself.
i'm not that great either.
and then i want to scream at myself.
i want to scream at everybody else.
i want to scream at the sea at the road in the mrt in the bus.
i want to push everyone away and jump into the sea.
i want to submerge into the water and dissolve into bubbles and melt away.
i want to become the wind, blowing past people.
i want to become the sun, shining so bright.
i want to become nature, all because i don't want to think no more.
all the fighting over every single scarce resources in this selfish world.
i don't want to plan my life, i want to live my life.
but there is this stupid structure in which if we don't follow, we will die.
or is this just a myth?
i hate everybody i hate you.
i hate all that go against me because yes i'm always right.
i am an extremely self-centred person.
well, admit it, most people would think they are always right.
when you point at my nose and call me wrong because of your own pov, isn't it because you think your pov is more 'right' than mine?
i want to punch somebody so hard in the nose that i yell in pain.
so hard that my knuckles feel that they are breaking.
i don't want to do what is socially right or politically right.
i don't want to do something i dislike in order to do something i like in the future.
i don't believe in this compensation shit.
i want my own space my own place.
i'm reaching my limits soon.
i'm no longer telling people how i really feel now.
is this part of maturing/growing up?
if so, i can tell why everyone doesn't want to grow up.
if not, then i suppose i need a cure somewhere somehow.
i hate people who tell me this and then do another thing the next moment.
i hate you now, for lying to me and then making a promise to somebody else.
don't bullshit me with your talk.
it's not going to work.
i hate you.
so fucking much.
yes right now.
you fucking suck.
it's not the first time this happened.
i'm at my limits.
it doesn't matter how much you tolerated me for all my fucked up attitude.
because they are not the same.
i said i don't believe in this compensation shit.