last christmas.

last christmas, i lost someone i love so dearly.


- rewind -


it was about 2.45am.
i just finished brushing my teeth.
sat on mum's bed to chat and joke abit with qi and mum for awhile for tay's sleeping on my bed and i was gonna join him.
mum went out to pick up a call.
the way she talked sounded weird, real weird.
she was asking the person on the line to calm down.
why?
calm down for?
i asked her what happened almost immediately after she hung up.
'sargu (third uncle) called. he say ortao got into a car accident and his heart stopped.'
'HUH!?' what happened!?'
'he say a girl called him should be weiyan then keep crying i ask him to calm down first. he say he call weilong alr weilong going down now. i go change now, in case sargu wants me to accompany him.'
'i also want go i change now.'
by then, my tears were already flowing uncontrollably, even before my brain properly registered everything.
i changed and went to the bed where tay is sleeping, shook him awake and told him where i am going and asked him to continue sleeping.
mum called and sar gu, who was alr on his way, drove back from yishun stadium to pick us up.
in the car, where i felt so freaking cold, i kept shivering and trembling,
from the cold or from the fear, i don't know.
reached the scene of the accident.
saw the overturned car.
my heart dropped.
drove around to get closer.
got off the car and to take photos before they move the car away.
mum picked up ortao's wrecked specs frame from the ground near sargu's car, which was like two cars away from the overturned car.
can you imagine the impact?
i could barely tell it used to be a pair of spectacles.
there were no lens, and the frame was twisted. yes, twisted.
i couldn't continue taking photos as we walked nearer, my hands were shaking way too much.
i felt sick, the severity of the situation was making me sick.
sar gu was talking to the police officer, and left his contact details with him.
i told mum to continue taking photos and i went back to the car.
then, we drove off, to ttsh.
kept trying to get through xueli jiejie's phone and huiyi's phone but they were both asleep with their phones off.
left messages for them.
sar gu was so frantic that he even missed the turning, which he was so familiar with cause it was the hospital where my ahgong spent his last few weeks in.
got off the car after reaching, saw a bunch of people sitting at the kerb.
saw another bunch of people inside, a little further away from the emergency room.
both groups are ortao's friends, just that they don't know each other.
saw weilong, saw ahbao.
everyone's eyes are red.
i hugged weilong.
i kept holding onto his arm, cause i couldn't take it anymore.
and weilong was the one consoling and comforting me instead of me him.
my hands were icy cold, and my whole body was trembling.
my heart was racing, and i couldn't calm myself down.
kept going to the toilet to wash up.
fourth aunt called mum to ask the situation and said she's coming.
asked her to go xueli jiejie's house to see if she can wake her up.
siaoting and fourth aunt went to her house and siaoting kept knocking on the door.
xueli jiejie's new house door lock was one with passcode and she was thinking if she should try and crack it and merely accidentally pressed something and the door opened.
she went in to wake them and they quickly drove over.
they reached before the doc came out.
the lock wasn't spoilt when they went back to check it.
tao, was it your doing?
i guess we will never know..
waited anxiously while tearing cause the anxiety is killing me.
kept praying to ahgong, because ortao was the grandson which he doted the most.
ahbao kept going in the room since he is the only one allowed in to check out the situation but he couldn't see much either.
eventually the doctor came out, and she apologise....
i felt like i was sucked into this black hole at that very instant.
my vision blurred and i could barely see anything.
i heard weilong asking if his brain was still alive.
she said no, the heart stopped for far too long.
shivers scrambled around my back.
the tremendous pain in my heart felt so surreal.
i was in a state of denial, probably still am.
we waited as we cried so badly, and tao's friends probably figured out the news after seeing our reactions.
they asked us to wait to see tao the last time after they cleaned his body.
when it was time, we followed one of their staff who brought us to the mortuary.
it was as if it's the first time i saw him.
is that tao?
i kept asking myself.
is that really him?
except his head, his whole body was wrapped in a big white cloth.
his teeth was a little crooked, i mean a little more crooked than it originally was.
did they call this cleaning up?
they put this big pad under his head, which has patches of blood on it, and i suppose his head was still bleeding.
he was biting onto this cut tube which was stained with blood.
how much blood did you lose?
i touched him, he was still a little warm.
i saw a bit of his arm, saw his tattoo.
i shook his arm a little, willing him to sit up immediately.
i kept saying in my mind,
'tao, i promise i won't be scared if you wake up now. maybe i will be a little startled and surprised, but i won't be scared. really, i promise you that.'
but then you never did.....
it was a nightmare.
that night was a nightmare...
stayed till they took you to another hospital to the coroner.
went home and i continued crying.
tay had to comfort me while half-asleep.
slept for barely a few hours before i awoke, asking myself if i just had a terrible nightmare, but no i wasn't.
went out of the room, feeling dazed, from all the happenings.
bathed and waited, waited till they bring ortao to the void deck..
went to see tao.
everytime i see him lying so peacefully in the casket, my tears would flow.
'wake up!!!!!' was what i always whispered in my mind.
everyone said to ask you to go peacefully but everything i could think of was,
'don't go!! don't leave us!! come back!! wake up now!! i won't be scared, really!!'
stared at his face, to imprint that look in my mind, even though it didn't really look like you.
i teased you in my mind, did you hear it?
it was my first time seeing you put make up and i teased you, heard it?
but i guessed it was essential, even though we could still see the bruises past the powder..
you looked so weird, you don't look like you.
and you don't even look like you are sleeping, you never close your eyes when you are asleep...
joked a little about it w weilong.
and he agreed with me.
we always thought you were awake when you were sleeping, with your half-opened eyes.
it was as if you were staring at us then.
hearing them describe the accident was devastating.
they said when you were pulled out from the car you kept throwing up blood.
i can't imagine the pain you had to go through, i really can't.
the next day, we walked and sent you off.
it was drizzling, even the sky was crying for you..
a moth was on my thigh all the while as i walked and only flew away after i got into the car and tried to pick it up, thinking it was a leaf.
was it you?
we reached the crematorium and waited for awhile for your mum.
dramatic entrance, and her cries seem to resonate with ours, just that we kept it inside.
couldn't stop crying..
when i watch you go into the furnace, my heart was tearing itself apart.
my hopes of you suddenly waking up was gone, infinitely.


- back to the present -

i still remember the small little details..
i don't know when i will be able to accept this fact, perhaps never.
i wrote this down, hoping that i would face all this emotions again, recognize them and hopefully i will be more able to deal with them the next time.
ortao, my dear, i love you so much, far more than i ever realised before you left.
and you affected me so much as i grew older.
impacts are left greater when we are younger, so guess how big your impact was? :)
our special 'childhood sweethearts' bond will never be gone.
i will never forget how much you doted on me.
i love you,
always have, always will.