hi blog

dk how many times i have started my post with this.
hi blog, i really love you.
you are the only one who listens to all my rubbish without retorting me.
you are the only one who tolerates my nonsense and random topics even when they dun really make sense.
you are the only one who accepts all my wildest ideas and dreams.
but now, please accept my cowardice.
i am scared.
so fucking scared.
now, everytime i take a car, or even a bus, i get so fucking scared about the vehicle flipping over in the next moment.
now, i am fucking scared about how people i love are going to disappear anytime, to somewhere i can't feel or touch.
now, i am so fucking scared.
i am a coward.
the more i have, the more i am afraid.
i am so fucking scared that the people i care too much about, don't really care about me.
i am a downright useless coward.
i whimper in my bed, crying myself to sleep, cause i don't know what to do with my life right now.
i am just going about doing what i am supposed to do.
i no longer know what i really really want to do.
i write out what i want to achieve, but i see them in the 'far' future light, not the near future.
everything seems so far and out of grasp for me.
i am lost, so very lost.

ytd i borrowed a book, a self-help book, i really need some help.
it's called 'thin, happy and rich'.
it's everything i want to be, hahaha, especially happy.
i don't think i came to this book by chance, i think fate brought me to it, and i hope it will help me.
i really want to be happy, again.
the feeling of loving and enjoying life, i miss you, did you go travelling? come back soon..

i don't have a religion.
but when i was younger, i remember that i have an imaginary friend(?).
it's not really a friend, more of a god/deity, whom i call 老天爷..
i would always look up at the sky/ceiling, and pretend that 老天爷 was looking down at me, despite me not being able to see him.
i would talk to him about my problems, and ask him to help me,
or if i have any wishes i would tell him to help me achieve it,
and then in return i would give him a kiss, usually i give him more than one ahaha.
and everytime my wish is granted, i 'blow' him a kiss, well, i don't really blow the kiss, but literally kissing the air with a audible 'muaks'.
it was good that way, and it kept me hopeful, even though i know this 老天爷 don't really exist.
i guess i need to go back to look for my 老天爷 and tell him my troubles again.
who knows? i might actually have a guardian angel looking out for me. :)