it's been so long since we just walk around shopping and eating and chatting.
and the above title is definitely not referring to them, it's just that as we were chatting, we came across this topic about the whole yuki and alvin and zoe raymond saga which i have not heard of before hahah yes i am slow.
so i just went to google it on my phone and read everything as i could possibly find, and also continued this 'research' after i reached home haha.
as i read on, all i felt was heartache, for the girl, who reminded me of the younger me.
i have absolutely no idea if this matter was true? but i have to say i could resonate w it so badly.
it pulled out the drawer of memories of so long ago that i thought i have forgotten, or rather, it put me back into the mind of the 15/16 year old me.
i was so damn young, as i look back now, not as old i thought i was then.
i wasn't capable to handle and contain emotions of that sort, though i probably still am not able to do so.
but i was so young, it was the age of innocence, the age where i am supposed to be carefree and happy.
the heartache came back, as the memories did.
it hurts so so so much.
god knows how many girls there were.
not one, not two (which are the official number), not three, not four, but so much more.
he attempted to go out with so many girls, where only two were the official ones and which i knew of and three more which he attempted but fail/succeed which somehow or rather i got to know of.
god knows how many girls he tried to hook up with, god knows how many failed or even worse, succeeded.
i was his 2nd, 4th and 6th girlfriend.
how stupid was the past me, to have trusted him over and over again.
ohh and not to forget, his 7th girlfriend was a byproduct of an incident of him trying to spite me and get me back but to no avail and so he stuck with her.
feelings of that kind of betrayal can never be forgotten.
my nose twitched but no i am not gonna let the tears to even form.
it's just like a feeling that eats you up from within, and eventually consume you into darkness, where you just crumple up there, wanting to destroy everything within your reach, especially yourself.
the feeling which makes you wanna dig your heart out and press it so hard so that it feel better.
you wanna scream, scream so loudly that as if the screaming would make you breathe better, feel better.
all you could do is to scratch yourself, pinch yourself, bite yourself.
digging fingernails into your legs aren't gonna help, but you do it anyway.
it's that helpless feeling that fills your heart and empties it at the same time.
your stomach lunges again and again, and you feel nauseous and almost feel like vomiting.
the shiver down your spine seems to have stayed there for good.
you cry and the tears flow as if they would never stop.
seconds ticked by, minute after minute, and in between the tears you glanced at the clock, an hour has gone, and soon another hour passed.
you feel so scared that you dk when this will end, and how much you wish that it was just a nightmare, which will end once you wake up.
you know how much you have hurt the people around you, you know when you see them standing around you looking at you and wondering what happened to you.
but you couldn't really care less, for you are too consumed by your own grief.
you want to confront him, confront her, and find out what exactly happen.
you want to know who initiated to hook up first, hoping it was her that seduced him, hoping that he merely innocently fell into her trap.
you wanna turn back time, pretend that nothing happened, pretend that it was all a lie.
it was that desperate feeling, that you feel like this will not end, you will suffer for the rest of your life.
so so so desperate.
i called her, i found out everything, everything he told me was a lie.
he told me what i wanted to hear, told me that she was the one trying to get him, told me that she initiated everything, he merely followed through.
she told me that she didn't know, she was lied to as well.
all i wondered that time was what did i do wrong.
i tried so hard to hold on, it was like gripping a rose full of thorns tightly. no matter how much it hurts, you can't let go, you just can't.
all you want to do is to hold onto the bare remains of the love, or rather ugliness and lies that it turned into.
i was so blinded.
i pray that i will never have to experience this ever again.
tay yin ji, you will have to do your part so i don't have to experience all these all over again hahaha.
you know, that time which was almost two years ago, when we just got tgthr, and you told me that if i ever cheated on you, you would forgive me, the me then felt that you don't really know how it feels like to be betrayed. to me, honestly, you didn't love me enough to feel that strong sense of betrayal.
now, i am actually glad and proud that you told me that you wouldn't forgive me if i ever betrayed you, and even though the you now actually believe that one day i will eventually cheat on you, you still stayed with me, thank you so much.
having experienced so many times of betrayal in one single relationship, i can firmly tell you that no, i will never lie to you, i will never cheat on you.
even if i may fangirl about my jonghyun my kpop guys and all kinds of cute guys, they are just people i idolise.
they are called idols for a reason.
they are the so-called 'perfect guys' which actually enables us to believe that there are 'good guys' in this world and therefore believe in true love.
but they can never replace you.
if jonghyun invited me to a date on your birthday i would still choose to celebrate your birthday with you over his date okay.
UNLESS YOU TELL ME THAT YOUR BIRTHDAY WISH IS FOR ME TO GO ON A DATE WITH JONGHYUN THEN I WILL GO OKAY hahahahaha.
you know, i sometimes am really afraid that you might cheat on me.
sorry that i am so insecure.
most of my insecurities are alr locked up tgthr w the bad memories in that lousy drawer but i am unable to put away all of them.
thank you for allowing me to do whatever i want even if it means that your privacy is sacrificed.
thank you for putting me before your own privacy and space that so many people honour.
thank you for giving me the transparency that i need.
i really cannot afford to let whatever happened before happen again.
i really don't want to.
i don't think i can take it another time.
No comments:
Post a Comment