this hurts so much, it seems to hurt even more with every breath i take.
you choosing to hurt me every single fucking time hurts.
i feel like i almost cant breathe.
i'd slap you a few more times if i can.

i need to quit stressing myself so much.
grrrrr.
i need sleep.

What I really miss was the once happy me.
Can things go back to the way it was?
Idk anymore.
If I called you 'baby' one more time I know I will just crumble down to bits.
I am just trying so hard not to think about it.
I doubt I can take hearing your voice or seeing your face.
Idk if I miss you or the idea of you or the idea of us.
Lol am I making this complicated?
Just knock my head and give me a concussion and let me forget about everyth and restart all over again.
If not for all this hurt I wouldn't react the way I did.
I'd be this really happy girl who'd trust everyone completely again.
This kind of became a reflex, to withdraw and shut it down.
I am unable to vision nor believe in a future, then what do I do?
Tell me what to do.
I need to know, I want to know.

i don't miss you.
i don't really want to see your face.
but sometimes i yearn for some last hug or something like that..
you don't understand, why can't you understand?
am i even important?
it always seemed like you never bothered about how i will feel.
you don't think through.
probably because you have been an insensitive person your whole life, while i am the exact opposite.
and it's so tough when i scrutinize every single little emotion/feelings in between me and you while you ignore most of yours, and probably mine.
stop trying, don't try anymore.
i really just need to be on my own, all alone....................

After explaining so many times and giving so many reasons, I realised there is no better reason than 'I'm not happy in this anymore.'
Being happy has always been my key, and I need to learn to not torture myself anymore.

I think aft the meetups this week, it's time for me to practice some solitary.
Disappear for a while.
Go on lone walks and trips.
I need to stop interaction for a bit and focus on myself more.
No tech.
Just me and a book and my organizer to jot down some random thoughts.
Go out to nature more.
Watch the sky and sea seemingly touch at the horizon.
Have been wanting to go out to the beach for ages but not v willing to take out that step.
It's time that I do this.
Gonna leave my phone at home?
Omg it's gonna be such a huge step for people in today's society - out without their phone.
Haha let's start w baby steps, jiale.
We can do this!

i try to think this over rationally.
i try to give myself rational reasons.
but no matter how rational they are, they can never overcome the emotions that i feel...
there are so many things i love about you, and yet there are also so many things i hate about you.
they say you only need one reason to stay together.. but really?
there is this chemistry between us, cultivated for so many years, and we are in sync in the manner such that i dont have to say much, one look and you'd know.
but then again there are so many times that you just don't get it, not at all, and i get so frustrated that i just wanna punch you over and over again.
and then again maybe it's not these issues, there are far bigger (or smaller) issues than this, depending on your perspectives.
relationships are based on trust.
yep trust is the foundation of all relationships.
without trust, you can't build anything with that person.
and is this what it is happening right now?
okay it probably is.
and i have no idea how to fix this shit by myself.
and then i gave up.
and then now i am just thinking again, if i should pick up this wreck and try to make it work again?
maybe if i am patient enough, it'd work out, i would be truly happy again.
smtimes all i need is a little more deep looks into my eyes, a few long hugs, more snuggles and cuddles, more playing with your fingers/my hair.
i need these, and so much more.
i need my emotions and feelings to be put at first place, at all times.
i need a laugh to go with my pettiness, a smile to go with my being unreasonable, a pat to go with my tears; since i am someone who switches mood as quickly as i blink.
or perhaps i just need someone who knows emotions, who understands them, who can take care of both my emotions and his.
someone who knows what is best for me, who knows that i wouldnt complain, as long as i am well taken care of.
are my expectations too high?
i am just so sick of this shit.
i hate this, i hate you. you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you you.

我快溺死了。。
我不断地向你求救, 不只一次两次三次四次, 而是好多好多次。
你随意地把手伸过来, 不在意我是否抓得到。
我一边喝着水, 一边像疯了一样拼命向抓住你。
但我输了, 输给了它, 他, 她。。
你始终没注意到我已不行了。。
最终我放弃了, 眼看越漂越远, 你才在这时想要拉我一把。
太晚了。。
死了, 心死了。。

Im so sorry..
I'd like to go back too, if it's possible, to where it all started.
Remembering how we vowed to not hurt each other.
But now, it's too late.
All my hopes are already dashed.
There's nothing we can do to pick them up again.
Why does it have to become like this?
Why din the changes come sooner?
I am really sorry..