okay i really wanted to blog. but i couldnt find my camera cable anywhere. :(
and i dun wanna blog without pics. SIGH.
next time kay next time. :(
my mum kept my camera cable somewhere T^T please be safe i still need you.

haven blogged properly for like 2 weeks!?!?
now today im nua-ing at home so wait for it wait for it~~

sometimes i feel like giving up,
just being selfish.

sometimes i dun wanna try anymore,
because i'm being a coward.

sometimes i just wanna remind you of your promises,
cause you probably forgot them but i dun because i hope that you have the heart to try and rmb.

sometimes i just want you to say,
i understand how you think/feel.

sometimes, okay not only sometimes,
i wish that people will let me whine and cry and talk and act like a kid/baby and not complain about it.

and every single fucking time,
i wish people will love me for being myself and not the one whom i try to be.

a quote i saw on a blog:

"You can't live your lives for other people. You've got to do what's right for you, even if it hurts some people you love."

i just want to go according to what i planned for my own life. is that wrong?

you tell me lies all the time and then you say that they are jokes.
well, i took them seriously and now i am the one suffering.
and then you say that it's retarded/stupid to take those words seriously.
so it's retarded that i took YOUR words seriously?

the two recent formspring qns

idk who wrote it, but since you said i dun have to know, then so be it.
but thank you so much.
i'm so touched that i'm literally crying nonstop right now.

i know people think i'm retarded, weird and basically fun to make fun of.
but honestly, i dun want to be thought that way. it's not exactly positive right?
i hate it when i give a wild idea (which i truly truly believe that it works) and people just refute me with "you are being impractical" or "is that even possible!?!?" or "you are just being stupid/retarded/idiotic..."

now, i feel like i can understand how the first man who claims that earth is round feels.
INSTEAD OF STATING THAT IT'S ABSURD, WHY DUN YOU ASK YOURSELF "WHY NOT?"
seriously why not why not why not.
it's not even impossible?
and even if you think that it's stupid, why cant you think of way to like tweak it a little to your way?
why do you have to put it down so harshly?
it's my idea, my dream, my imagination.
now i know why people nowadays lack creativity.
there are so many things in life which you dun have to complicate.
it can be simplified in so many ways.
does complicating stuffs make you happy? if no then why are you doing that? because everyone else is doing it? do you even know if doing it makes them happy?

that's why it's so hard to find someone who understands me.
who would think my 'wild idea' is a 'great idea', someone who has chemistry with me.
it's just so difficult.
and i can't even fucking express myself well that people often misunderstands me and i just let them misunderstand because i am unable to find words to explain myself.
sometimes i just want to find a hole and hide inside there with my pillows and cry until i die.
what's the point of living when it's so restrictive and people AROUND you who are supposed to be the closest to you including friends, families, kins and even your boyf/girlf are objecting to ALLLL your ideas and thinking?
if you really think that i'm that stupid, then why stay with me at all?

i dun want to live this way because EVERYONE else is doing it.
then whats the point of being born different?
why dun we just born to look exactly the same with identical characters?
why do we have to lead lives like how everybody else is living?
culture and traditions?
it's supposed to make you feel :') when you think back about it. not feel :'( or even >:'( as you go through the process.
i'm not trying to be different to attract attention, i just wanna show people that i'm living happier by being more of myself. and that everyone can be too.
since we are all different and unique and special, then why do we have to lead lives that millions of others led?

i need to believe i will become a great lady.
i need to.
sdnly i just feel so alone in this world.
only me swimming in my thoughts which got condemned by everyone whom i thought was the closest to me.
idk who truly understands me, probably no one.
i know i am a weird person, i get that ALLL the time.
i just dun want to be anybody else.
i want to make an impact somehow, a proof that i was once alive.
living the same as everyone else, then what's the point of you living at all?
you are just some useless nobody who breathed in nature's air without giving back, who ate nature's food without doing anything in return, who wasted earth's resources in helping you to survive.
i am not gonna be just anyone else, i am not afraid to be different and weird, i am not afraid to go against the currents.
you dare me to? i dare to.

It's okay. You don't need to know who I am. Cheers

hahaha okay. thank you so much. no matter who you are, if you know me well no matter from the past or now, i really do love you kay! ^^ cause i never stopped loving anyone WAHAHAHAHAHA.

hello! what do you want to say?

i gave tay the right contact name :)

Btw it was a card that i wrote him. -_-

You're gonna be okay. You're gonna turn out great as a lady. I know it :)

Thank you bb. This made me so touched i feel like tearing on the train now. T^T i love youuu. :') But i dunoe who are you. D:

hello! what do you want to say?

so much things

catching up on me that it is getting kind of hard to breathe.

piled tons of stuffs on myself and i felt retarded for even offering to take up these tasks in the first place.

but since the responsibilities are on me right now, i would have to follow them through.

work was tiring. update again soon.

life is happy, sadly mostly cause of friends and tay and not cause of my family.

i wish that my family could make me feel happier? but somehow there are always frustrations and anger hidden within the words we say.

we get annoyed and irritated with each other too easily.

trying to change this bad habit of mine which is as old as me. difficult. but sigh, i will try.

but sometimes, what i really need and what they dun understand is to have my own space.

i dun mean a virtual space aka privacy, but rather A OWN SPACE FOR ME TO PUT MY STUFFS SO THAT NOBODY WILL MISPLACE THEM OR TOUCH THEM AND EVEN SPOIL THEM.

simple enough? D: and i hate it how my sis lies on my bed with her hair wet and then wetting all my pillows. wtf. and then when i chided her she got pissed. HELLOOO it's your FUCKING FAULT. fucker. the only person whom i call fucker so many times.

and when my mum talked to me i just said dun talk to me im in a bad mood. and she got pissed and was like i wasnt the one who made you angry with that kind of tone and i replied but you failed to discipline your daughter (referring to my sis and okay partly myself) and she got super pissed. -_-

i merely asked you to not talk to me cause im in a bad mood what. you ownself wanna misinterpret and continue irritating me. -_- i alr told you not to talk to me okay. 

whatever.

i just need my own space.

reasons why smtimes im just dying to move out.

who would call a place their home when they find their stuffs all over the place like they dun belong anywhere? -_-

SERIOUSLY.

true random facts about me

Number one:
When i start fearing that we are drifting or that im losing you, i close up on you and try even lesser than i alr am trying. Just to see if you are doing anything.
And if you notice something is wrong and starts trying, you would have to do it for a period of time till im secure.

Numver two:
I fantasize/think up of all kinds of scenarios and act them out with expressions and mouthing the words i am supposed to say, on the streets where everyone would see would probably think im crazy.

KONY 2012

okayyy so kony 2012 is this campaign whose video which went viral and it's about this guy, joseph kony who is the leader of LRA (Lord's Resistance Army) and he basically erm abducts kids to become his child soldiers.

okay i personally support this cause, and i know that tons of people have been stating that this is a scam and have been skeptical or even cynical about this, well i basically trust it. (maybe cause i have always been a sucker for these kinda stuffs)


welllll, i made a donation yea so i just wanna do a part in this cause and if you don't know what i am talking about, i would just like to ask you to watch this video below:



okay yes i know it's 30mins long HAHA i was shocked when i realised that this vid is THAT long but by that time i was already halfway through so i finished it. and if you dun have the patience, watch how ryan higa summarizes everything in 1min HAHA:




okay so even if the non-profit organization, invisible children, did somehow exaggerate the story a little, i am still kind of opposed to the idea of someone abducting kids and making them child soldiers.
honestly, child soldiers!? even if these kids are willing to, THEY ARE ONLY KIDS!!! what do they really know? -_-
kids forever think they know everything but no they dun. i know this because i was a kid. HAHA.

though many critics are asking people to beware of where their donations are going to (for eg alot of their finances went into their video making instead of helping the ugandan people to build their houses etc) but making the video is indeed a really smart move because it made millions of people all over the world aware of this right?
honestly, i have heard of invisible children but i have never know what they are and i have never bothered to research. but when everyone is talking about it, you get curious and you know what curiosity does to you, you research!

what they are trying to do now, is not exactly to raise funds or whatever. okay maybe it's their secondary aim.
but we should consider their primary cause right?? which is to stop kony through raising awareness so that people dun forget.
they are trying to create reminders, so that the people will not lose interest and continue to support and thus put on pressure on the govt who would then do their best to help.
this is their primary cause. so dun sway away from that.
im sure they will help the ugandan people AFTER they settle joseph kony.
i see people on the internet condemning the kony campaign cause they feel that it's not right no matter what to want the death of somebody, even though that somebody is as bad as kony.
okay but honestly you think a organization like invisible children has the right to kill kony? -_- seriously...
and they are not the people who are trying to capture kony!?!?
the people who are doing the 'actions' are the ugandan army right??? -_- and whether they kill kony anot during the capture process depends on the army heads or the ugandan govt... -_-
and after the capture, the killing of kony as punishment depends on all those courts and govts..

and talking about how the video is centered around jason russell and his family, i think him featuring his kid is just to show the world that even a kid feels sad and knows that joseph kony needs to be stopped.
and he was just telling people about why he is in this, so that his reason might motivate and persuade you too.
and anyone would like some kind of glam right?? if he is doing that much, then i supposed he deserves some credit right?
or can you truthfully say that EVERY SINGLE TIME you give, you dun expect any return at all?
we are human beings, not saints.
maybe you dun expect anything sometimes when you give, but all the time? i dun think so.
so think twice on different perspectives before you doubt.



no matter what people are saying, for now, i just wanna believe in humanity.
this world will be a better one. :')

my drawing rocks pls, your guessing sucks HAHAHA

HAHAHAHA whatttt. you this bhb woman. erxin max HAHAHA

hello! what do you want to say?

everything feels the same, yet different.

Up till now, i know i have no regrets, but it's just something that i wouldnt be able to let go, probably for the rest of my life.
I never forgot about it, not even for one day.
I feel sorry, not regretful, but so so so sorry.
I have let you down i know, and no matter how much i do, i will never be able to make it up to you.
I hope that you will ___ like what i said to tay that night. Please do. I really hope so.
Gonna tear again. Not the first time, and i think it wun be the last either.
This is the path that i chosen to take. I am sorry that i wasnt strong enough to go the other way. The only thing i can do for you, is to tear and never forget you.


Though i feel like im back to me again in singapore, there is still confusing part of me which i dun understand.
I have changed i guess. In a certain way.
I will change for the better, in the future.
Talk less and listen more. Know when to speak and speak the right stuffs.
Starting to think before i talk/act and restrict myself from being too straightforward.
Need to get out of the fandom soon if i wanna grow up.
Loving jonghyun would nv stop though. He is just different. He is not just an idol to me.
Ever since i watched hello baby when i first saw him, i feel that he is so much similar to me. It's like i can totally understand his retarded actions etc.
The feeling got stronger when i found out we were of the same birthdate.
I know it's silly but you know that sort of thing when ppl from the same birthdate has similar characters that sort of thing?
Same goes for ppl with similar horoscope. And you will be even much more similar being born on the same date.
So to me, jonghyun is like this extraordinary version of me doing things that i want to do but am unable to do so. :')
Im always changing, like how my mood will change within seconds. Im changing so fast that even i dun understand. But just keep up with me kay. :)

LONGG POST

okay soo, to pick up from the time i last blogged, it will be....

THURSDAY  01MARCH2012

it was practically family meet up day as i head over to tao's house in the evening HOHOHO.

kekeke tao cooked ahma's specialty fried rice KEKEKE awesome ahhh.

played with their gougou which is named meimei. HAHAHA.

played draw something where i kept hitting him and screaming at him for his ugly drawings HAHAHAHA. okay not exactly screaming but aiya you get what i mean.

that retard is so irritating HAHAHA.

and when weiyan is preparing the ingredients to cook the fried rice, we thought she is cooking.

so when she came into the room to say 'okay alr' we thought she cook finish alr.

and we went into the kitchen and see all the uncooked ingredients HAHAHA.

so her 'okay alr' means she finished preparing and cutting those ingredients HAHAHA funny maxxxx.

headed down to ahma hse after that hehe my cute ahma.

took photos with her :')

candid~

ignore my chui eyes thanks.

my mumm~

damn long nails. D: i alr cut liao hoho.

the above two is ortao's drawing. now you know why i say his drawings ugly right!? and plus he draw DAMN SLOWLY ONE.

my ahma went to comb her hair properly to let me take pics cause previously she kept saying she very ugly HAHA my ahma so cuteeeee. i love herrr. <3

ahma, mum, and me! ^^

FRIDAY  02MARCH2012

went to school to print transcripts (aka result slips) for my uni applications.

AND OMG EACH PIECE COSTS ME S$3 OKAY. so i spent a total of S$15 T^T /crying

and then i went to crash the BAOC MC-SCO first meeting HAHAHA.

miss and love society :')

peiqin!

max ah max!

fengfengggg~

dropped by holland v coffee bean to find my dear keh who is studying hard for her prelims HAHA.

and on the way there me and peiqin got lost HAHAHAHA.

headed to bp junction 10 to meet tay and we walked round and round and eventually settled at porn's for dinner. kekeke. 

it was expensive but great. just that the portions.... can be bigger ah. such that i dun feel it's really worth it though the food really very nice. D:

happy boy is happyyy.

he loves this pic. HORH TAY?

tomyum soup yumyum. and ahboy drink until he was sweating all over HAHAHAHA.

okayokay baaa. PREFER THAIEXPRESS' WATERMELON LIME *-*

prawn cakes OKAY THIS ONE REALLY DAMN NICE.

MY PHAT THAI ALSO DAMN NICE OKAY. but the portion damn small so disappointed. :( 

his face damn red in case you cannot tell HAHAHA. in fact, his whole body also red.

SATURDAY  03MARCH2012

okay i dun have anymore pictures alr.

was queuing for beast's concert for the whole day.

and what can i say about the concert? :/

it was kind of disappointing.

shows were cut, kikwang and dongwoon no strip, sound system sucks, we couldn't hear the music properly, beast themselves couldn't hear the music properly to sing, earmics couldn't catch their voices properly, beauties (regardless male or female) were pushing like there are elephants chasing after them from behind. D:

sighhh i am never joining any moshpits for concerts held in maxpavillion nor any events organized by bling entertainment. they are too sucky an organizer. SERIOUSLY.

SUNDAY  04MARCH2012

sooooo, it was a slack-and-rest-from-the-previous-day's-pushing day~~

until at night where i met tay at northpoint and we went to buy this:

i used one ytd and it was not bad okayyy. i woke up feeling like my skin is really smooth HAHAHA.

though i got pimples okay go dieeee.

then brought him to my ahma hse then my aunties started saying he look like 林保怡 (lin bao yi)!?!?

he is a hongkong-ese actor as you can see from below:

look alike????? really?????

tay himself thinks look alike HAHAHAHAHA.

i think okay lohhh BUT HE SO OLD PLEASEEEEE. D:

and they also said he looks like some very shuai MP HAHAHA but in my eyes no MPs are shuai i'm sorrrrryyyy. just a personal opinion.

MONDAY  05MARCH2012

okayyy so i met up with ade and ahyi for some lunch over at bpp's thaiexpress!! KEKEKE.

no photos cause i was lazy to take~~~

shared a steamboat with ade onomnom and thinking of it now makes my tummy growllllll. HAHA.



headed to ONLYaesthetics with ahyi for our armpit hair removal treatment HAHAHA.

it was like super fast zoomzoom and the filling of the forms HAHAHA still need to write whether you have constipation/digestion problems which sadly ben xiao jie all have D: HAHAHAHA.

and all kinds of other problems.

felt so guilty when i ticked "no" in the section for the amount of exercise done per week. HAHAHAHA.

okay okay soon soon kayyy!! i will go swimmingggg~~~~



zoom-ed back to sch aft our treatment to get our ABACUS cert.

NOPE not the traditional calculator abacus you are thinking of, ABACUS is a program which travel agent uses to make bookings! kekeke.

met ho wei yee and omg she damn nice she still rmb both our names and we chatted~~~



afterwhich i went to meet the annoyed boy sebastian liu yu wei HAHAHA cause he had been waiting for me sorry okayyyy.

walked around and chatted so much HAHA i love him for being so retarded and i kicked him in the shins/butt dunoe how many millions of times. and he tried to kick me back that asshole who hates old ppl. HAHAHAHA.

watched act of valor WAHHHH teared at the ending T^T why so saddd. but it was an awesome movie. like really.

i think ALLLL armyboyboy should go and watch. inspires you in protecting your home and country okay HAHAHA.



headed to pepperlunch for our dinner HEHEHE i ate every scrap and he had an issue with that. tsktsk sebastian liu you have too many problems. HAHAHAHA.

went off to buy koi and i bought the icecream milk tea forgetting that i was having cramps T^T sobsobs which obviously got worse after the drink T^T

walked allllll the way to yck while chatting HAHAHA it's been soooooo freaking long since we last hung out HAHAHA still as retarded as ever kekekekeke. ^^



i love my bestf~~~~~





TUESDAY  06MARCH2012

TODAYYYYYYYY was a stay-at-home day. literally. cause i only went out at night. HAHA.

kind ade came to visit me cause she misses me wanna get her stuffs which she bought from taobao. HAHAHAHA.

tried to search for jobs online hahaha and that retarded woman played draw something on my phone omggg her drawing damn ugly luckily bb dun have that app then we dun have to play with her okay HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. okay i still love you despite your ugly drawings :') <3



went to chongpang and helped ade deposit her cheque (ohmy i so kind HAHA) and was walking to tay's camp when he appeared out of nowhere scaring me.

tsktsk this mister becoming cheekier and cheekier. D: confirm not my influence HAHAHA.

went to his house and nua-ed and nua-ed while watching shows and munching love letters. onomnom i loike.

home sweet home after he finished all his shows kekeke.





---





thanks for that really sweet confession you made. ^^

i smiled like a retard from the bottom of my heart to myself while walking home.

and you made me look forward to my birthday a little more though it will be a greater surprise if you kept it from me but hehe i know it's hard to keep a secret from the ultra cute me so you are forgiven~

i slowly realised that we have the same worries. so i guess, we dun have to worry. :)

let's just stay happy tgthr like always okay! ^^ (L)









---









i am so glad that i came back to singapore (though it isn't like i wun be back lah) because i feel like i am me again.

i am always uneasy when im in china, and my behavior became really weird.

it's nice being around ppl who have known me forever/for years.

i know they know me and i know them and i can finally breathe properly and act like me again. :')

i dun have to be uptight about my conversations and make sure that the other party understands me cause i may not be speaking perfect cheena chinese.

sigh. i really love singapore and its people. HAHAHA.

proud to be a singaporean forever and more~~~~~~~

ETUDE HOUSE

i think i am psycho but WALAO i wanna get this coral lipstick that jonghyun endorses/represents HAHAHA.
i also wanna buy the grapefruit lipbalm that he chose as his fave colour lehhh. D:
this is normal for fangirls right!?!? HAHAHAHA.
but that day when i went to etude house okay which is the day before ytd i couldnt find the lipbalm leh. D: think sg's outlets haven got it yet. same goes for the kiss note lipsticks which are supposed to be like out just not long ago. D:
and still rmb i was suppressing the fangirl self in me until xueli appeared at the doorway of etude house and im like OMG ISN'T THIS HEAVEN!?!? with shinee's songs playing and their pictures everywhere in the shop HAHAHAHA.
okay fangirl me is super fangirl okayyy. :')

looking forward to saturday OMGGGG a beautiful concert is waiting for me. :')