my role model.

jiejie,
you know that i love you right?
i know that you love me.
miss you calling me 'jaelurp queen'
you were the one who gave me this 'jaelurp' name. :)
have always been closer than sisters since young.
i would tell you everything,
and you would tell me everything.
you took my first french kiss away.
HAHAHA how retarded were we,
playing the prince and princess games.
we would always be the 'main leads' cause we are the oldest,
not counting bernard korkor of course.
our dream house where everyone would stay together,
i din forget.
i still wanna be your maid of honour on your wedding.
i still wanna go crazy with you and dance about in your room while blasting music.
i still wanna hear all your secrets.
i still wanna laugh at all the weird people you told me about with you.
i still wanna go shopping with you, go around eating good food with you.
i still want you to make your special milo just for me.
i still want you to buy breakfast for me while im still sleeping.
you have always acted like my real big sister,
and i have always treated you like one.
you are my jiejie.
forever my jiejie.
you have to survive these three days first.
promise me you will.
the doc says it's too early to say if there are going to be any side effects.
im afraid.
i want you to be just like before.
i wanted to hold your hand so much.
i wanted to hold your face so much.
i wanted to pat your head and tell you it's alright.
i wanted to let you know that im here for you.
but i can only get shocked at how you look like now.
you look so weak, so fragile.
like if i touch you anywhere, it's gonna hurt so bad.
i can only look at you.
and hope that you will be alright.
i feel so useless.
there is nothing i can do.
when i try and imagine the pain you felt when you got hit,
it hurts so so so much.
when i look at you and i realised that i couldnt recognize you,
my heart broke.
and i couldnt cry in front of you.
i dun wanna affect you.
they wanted you to stay unconscious so you wun be agitated.
so i couldnt say a word to you, for fear of waking you up.
i wanted to say i love you, but when i saw you, i went dumbfounded.
what can i do or say to make you feel better.
i have no idea.
someone so close to me, so impt to me.
and yet there is nothing i can do to help.
when i realised that even though your breathing is hard through all those tubes,
i can still recognize it.
it gave me a little hope.
that you are still alive.
that you are still you.
i closed my eyes,
thinking back about how it still sounds the same when i was sleeping over at your house,
when i couldnt fall aslp and stayed awake while listening to you breathing beside me until i did.
looking at your half shaven head,
knowing that for the time being you wun be able to say a word,
and that you wun be able to walk,
i dunoe how you will feel or wad you will do.
you are such an optimistic and cheerful person.
you will be alright right?
好人不是有好报吗？
this is just a test for you.
you must be strong enough to go through this okay.
i woke up real early this morning, and i thought of you.
tried to go back to sleep.
and everytime i wake up i think of you.
you stayed on my mind all the time.
sleeping doesnt help.
it doesnt.
drifted these two years.
i wish i hung out with you more now.
miss you so much now.
we just said that we would catch up with each other on cny eve din we?
dun break your word okay.
i love you so much.
more than i thought.
i truly feel that now.
you are so impt to me.
please god.
please let her be okay.
jiejie i feel so helpless now.
wad should i do?
wad can i do?
i would take the pain for you.
i just want you to be alright again.
you have always taken care of me.
now it's my turn.
though i dun really know exactly how to.
but i will try my best.
i love you.

;forever your jaelurp queen.