`389th post

it hurts when i found out that you actually don't need me to be there for you when you are feeling down.

i would want you to be there for me, want you to accompany me, want you to stay by my side, especially when i'm feeling down. but apparently you don't feel the same way as i do. are we too different? the way we think is too different eh? we are after all two different person. people would say try and accommodate. i'm really trying, even if you don't see me doing so. i want to be good to you. i am not a good girlfriend, not understanding enough, gets jealous easily(?), has a bad temper, throws my tantrum, not gentle, hits you all the time. it's been two months plus. soon three months. have you noticed? it's going to be three months soon. or maybe it's longer than that. now i want to be alone. i don't want to do anything baoc anymore. i feel so very tired. my results suck. i didn't get what i thought i would get. don't tell me my result is fine. cause i know it's not. i put in more effort than last sem, to get back worse results. i told myself not to worry, cause i thought i would at least get a three. even though it's just 0.1 lesser than last sem, this feeling sucks. this disappointment sucks. both the disappointments i received from my results and from you suck big time. you don't know how i feel. and i don't know how you feel. everything is going just so wrong. i don't know what to do. am i expecting too much from you? am i asking too much? am i too greedy? i just want to know. i love you, so i should only want you to be happy right? no matter what you do, as long as you are happy, i should be happy too because i love you, right? would i be considered selfish if i'm sad even though you are happy cause i don't like the thing that makes you happy? am i selfish cause it hurts me even though you are happy? you may say that i think too much, but these are all the feelings you gave me. i see with my heart, not my eyes. you may say i'm too emotional, i let my emotions rule my head. but what is it that you truly feel? you didn't tell me. and i wouldn't know. is it time to say goodbye? it's so soon. i don't want this to end, but do i have a choice? i can't control your feelings, i can't manipulate how you feel. i can't control your actions, i can't manipulate what you want to do. the only thing i know now is that i am NOT feeling happy. are you?