I have no reason to be upset.
I have so many lovely people around me, I should not have a reason to.
But why do I sometimes feel like there is a part of me that is dead, and I try so hard, way too hard, to prove to myself that I am as alive as can be and I am the happiest person on the world and that dead part does not exist at all.
I don't really know what I am looking forward to every single day.
That day, I had a session of htht with Bea and something she said struck me, 'Why do you always act so jovial about all these stuffs?'
I really dk..
There had been really bad times, and when I talk about them, I kind of tend to portray them from a third person's view, as if it didn't affect me that much.
There are a lot of things I can't just let go.
I don't exactly have a fantastic memory, I do forget things, but like some quote from a famous people that I forgot, I don't seem to forget the way people make me feel, whether it is betrayed, miserable, happy, elated, or even weird.
and perhaps it's called pessimistic, but the negative feelings leave a deeper indentation than the positive ones.
These indentation seems to get deeper every time the tiniest negative feeling arise.
I try very hard to act as per normal, but sometimes they get the best of me, and I lose control together with my cool.
I flare up for no apparent reason, and I request to leave me alone, because I am the only one who can sort out my own feelings.
Now, I guess I need a really good crying session.
It's not that I have nobody to rely on, but I dk who to rely on.
This sounds really weird, because I seriously have tons of people I can pick and choose lol;
since all the friends I keep in contact with are the ones that I am close to.
But it's funny that I just want somebody on the other end of the phone line and listen to me cry.
People try to feed me with advices but I know they know that I fully know what to do.
I guess I just need a person to vent, without feeling like I am bothering that person too much.
Crying is good, so I can let it go~ let all the bad feelings go~