I didn't used to be someone who speak my mind that often, I mean like years ago, probably when I was in secondary school?

I then admired those who did, and aimed to become like them, and then I started saying too much.

Now, I'm retreating back to the past, as I started backspacing all that I wanna say, or just replace it with a much shorter sentence/question that has no relation to the topic I was gonna start on earlier.

Is this good, or not?

When I start to not tell you anything, I start to over-think what I should say or not..

Maybe it's a sign of me becoming older, a little more mature and wiser.

Or is it the start of the construction of a barrier between you and me?

Am I no longer comfortable to 'speak out my mind'?

Am I starting to bite my own tongue every time I thought of something to say?

Is it me becoming more considerate towards the feelings of the people around me?

Or is it just this impression that I get that whatever I say/do does not really matter anyway, and it will only incur the wrath or annoyance from people, from you?

Am I starting to admire those who spoke their mind, for I am no longer one of them?

I hope no matter what happens, I will be able to stay true to myself, and not care about pleasing people over losing myself as much as the younger me once did.

What am I doing here when I am only halfway through my notes?

Perhaps, I was just hoping that you would understand me all along, without me needing to say anything.

Hoping that before I said anything, you would turn around and tell me it's okay, you could tell what I was thinking from my expression, my tiny little awkward movement.

On the other hand, I know I should be contented, for not everyone can understand me as well as I hope they would; and there already a few around me who understands my eye contact, the 'YAYAYAs' (not papaya lol) and 'IKR' as we get onto the same page, the reminders of how similar we are. :)

okay I feel much better after some consolation by myself LOL okay back to the evil strategy module!!!!

One of the Best Dreams in my life.

I really need to note this down before I forget the details. :')
GUESS WHO I DREAMED OF FOR IT TO BECOME ONE OF THE BEST DREAMS OF MY LIFE!?
another dream that i really loved was one that i hugged jonghyun LOL and he offered with his arms wide open okay *-*
and another time was when i was at some kids' park with shinee. erm i think it's the same dream maybe? hahahaha.
okay this time round i am shinee's escort WOOHOO!
so happy that this dream came during one of my low moods :D
so i was at this uncle/auntie's house i really dun rmb who they are but yea and then they said they know minho or the people who organized their fanmeeting and asked if i would like to meet them and i was acting all shy and all and then minho came OMG and then asked if i would like to tag along and i was joking about how i have to queue and i need to study for my exams.
and then i tot to myself i would skip a day of studying for shinee and so i did LOL and then i went along with him.
we got down and then took the escalators up to where their fanmeeting was and key joined us.
they just wore hoodies to cover their heads haha and halfway through jonghyun joined us at the escalators OMGG and i was thinking to myself where is onew and taemin *-*
and then we sdnly were waiting for a train or smth yes i know it doesnt make sense and taemin joined us then.
while waiting, some girls spotted jonghyun with his blond hair.... and then approached us saying that he looks very familiar and then i just grabbed his arm and just shouted (?) 'this oppa is mine' in korean.
even in my dreams i have to think for a few secs how to say 'mine' in korean HAHA. 'DEH COH YA!'
(all along i have been trying to talk to them in broken korean and key was my translator LOLOL)
and then jonghyun said i was cute and I SWEAR I BLUSHED IN MY DREAMS LOL AND PROBABLY IN REAL LIFE TOO AND THEN I ACTED BLUR AND LOOKED AT TAEMIN AND ASKED 'BOH?' OR 'WHAT?' AND THEN TAEMIN REPEATED 'GWIYOWO' AND I SWEAR I ALMOST DIED IN MY DREAMS AND THEN I THINK I COULDNT STOP MY BLUSH NOR SMILES.
at this happiest moment of mine, minho started to tell me smth and the alarm rang so i was in between listening to minho while the alarm was disrupting and i couldn't hear him properly and i tried to switch off the alarm while grabbing onto my dreams and willing myself to go back into the dreams.
this is actually the first time i so clearly wanted to go back to the dreams while being half-awake. LOL.
sigh i know it's a dream but i will never forget jonghyun's face when he told me i was cute :'D
delusional fangirl but whatever.
a lot of my dreams always come true in real life but those with shinee never do. argh.
i want one of them to come true please hahahahaha.

Les Miserables (not really the show)

it's becoming a serious addiction, and you can't see it.

probably like what the saying goes, '当局者迷，旁观者清'

when i am not the only person who says this to you, i hope you realise that this can become serious.

it's gonna affect the relationship you have with the people around you.

for real.

it's already affecting it now, just that you can't see it, or it's too minor.

you know that it is affecting your life, in a negative way, but you 'can't help it' or so you say.

sometimes all i want to do is help, but you think i'm doing this for myself.

i really don't like it that your interaction with people is minimal, esp interaction with those who share the same blood as you, yes to put it simply, i mean your family and even relatives.

do you know about the top 5 regrets of people when they are dying?

almost every one of them is related to interaction with loved ones.

you say you dk what to talk about, i say learn.

because really, learning how to interact takes a lot of practice.

keeping to yourself doesn't really help.

and to girls, in relationships, what they see is the future and potential, not what is going on right now.

when games are one of the top priorities in your life, i can't really see how our future fit in anywhere.

it's scary to see the things you do for games, as if you are really surviving in the games themselves.

i can only hope.

---

and just tonight, i found out that my dad had been keeping from us a serious accident that happened to him on sunday.

but thank god he only had some minor abrasions on his hand which we didn't notice because he always had some kind of red spots due to some allergy or toxic in his body.

and then he slowly realised that he had a close brush with death, and it made me shuddered.

and after this, i began to recognize or rather, admit to myself that i have developed a phobia of cars.

every single time, when i am on a car/bus, i try not to look at the road, because i would start fearing about:

'what if the car is gonna mount the kerb and we are gonna flipped?',

'omg i am sitting right next to the hammer okay i need to smash the emergency window if anything happens.',

or even 'okay using my phone now means i have no hands, okay if the bus knocks into anyth i need to rmb to just drop my phone and grab onto smth because my life is more impt than my phone.'

because i feared about me subconsciously holding onto my phone instead of my life. 

or i would just start praying for the people in the same bus as me and hoping that we all get to our destinations safely.

this fear got really huge and then i realised i am very afraid of standing near the road or having cars right next to the one i am in.

went to jb tonight for dinner and then we were trying to flag a cab back.

walked down this pavement right next to the road and it was a little narrow because of the trees planted on the pavement along the way, and then i walked really slowly and tried to stay as inside as possible where there is a drain on the other side but i'd rather fall into the drain then walk near the road.

because i was afraid that a car would just go too fast and then mount the kerb and ram into me.

what's with me and mounting kerb? :/

yea i do have a phobia of cars and roads.....................

what a stupid phobia.

started because of ortao tsk this person........

:'( but i have to say i miss you so.....

okay dw to start this thing now argh.

---

sad sad sad sad post today.

i realised that i haven't been happy in a while.

maybe i should listen to the song happy more.

kind of want to just sit here and cry the whole night away.

because of my unhappiness, recently i became a much more bitter and mean person.

yep just these few months i think.

i was always kind of bitter and mean i guess but it just increased these few months LOL.

i no longer want to be (not that i already am okay) kind and nice and abide the rules even.

i initiate cutting a queue which is smth i never would have done, and we really did, and it was a fucking long queue, but we just got very thick skinned and just cut.

yep i have always been a law by law person, typical singaporean.

you know you are unhappy when you start tearing after seeing that famous line, 'When I went to school, they asked me what I want to be when I grow up and I said 'happy'. They said I didn't understand the assignment, I told them they didn't understand life.'

and these are the times when i am thankful for my red nose, because no one can tell that i cried.

it's a late night;

and as you should probably know, i am supposed to study, but i am not.
yup taking another of my countless breaks once again. hahahah.
getting a little bit more on track as i started to understand my notes.
a good sign.
so i should probably continue, or probably sleep?
i have no idea what is sleep anymore.
okay kidding i do know - my bed is calling - but now i'm contemplating some late night coffee but that would mean a few more awake hours.
and the pimple on my chin is protesting or should i call them pimples?
fml i am just gonna try finish this chapter.

ERM I SDNLY GOT CRAVINGS FOR XLB WHICH IS XIAO LONG BAO YES XIAO LONG BAOOOOO!!
EVERYONE PLEASE ASK ME OUT TO GO EAT XLB BUFFET OR ANY PLACE THAT SELLS XLB THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I DUN MIND EATING XLB EVERYDAY ONE ACTUALLY IT IS MY FOREVER CRAVING LIKE PASTA HEHEHE.
I NEED MORE XLB IN MY LIFE WAI IS THERE NO XLB PASTA!?!? THO THE XLB WILL PROBABLY BREAK INTO PIECES IF IT IS IN THE PASTA HAHAHAHA.
SDNLY REMIND ME OF THIS DUMPLING CREAMY PASTA I HAD IN SHOKUDO THAT WAS VERY VERY NICE *-* BUT THAT WAS YEARS AGO AND I WENT THERE CAUSE OF STUDENT MEAL LOL.
maybe i should go there and have it again!
and sorry for the caps but i just wanted to express my love for xlb!! *-*
actually i love har gao also just that some places sell v oily and i always felt sinful biting off the crispy crust because it's just flour and oil LOL.
okay i love a lot of dim sums!
PLEASE ASK ME OUT FOR DIM SUMS/XLB/PASTA but after may please. :D

read my old blog posts as a break from studying and....
all i can say is i am really mushy last time LOL.
since i almost always had a boyf i realised my love declaration used to be so much braver than now HAHA.
and also to my friends as well.
erm this is proof that i have grown mature but because i used to be tooooo childish so i am still childish in most people's eyes. HAHA.
okay bye.

really cannot stand this weather but at the same time it's such a chore to move my laptop and notes to the mcdonalds downstairs argh and there are no plugs either argh i just want a cooling place with big tables and i can only think of cheryl's house where it has big tables and windows HAHA okay bye.

the weather is killing me.....

i can't get anything into my head but i must tryyyy.....

i can do this i must do this there is no other choice....

to become the very best!!!!!!!! D:

there is always this side of you no one knows right?
i guess i do have one too.
the most vulnerable side filled with the most vile desires and hatred.
it's this evil side which i let it show sometimes.
it's the evil jiale that comes out and it did not even show 100% of who she truly is.
recently i have been letting her out a little too much.
being a really great asshole and all.
it's not like i dun enjoy it but lolol i should probably rein her in abit more.
show my kindness more..
i definitely do have kindness left okay lolol.
okay randomzzzzzzzz byezzzz.

i would really want to blog my bday celebrations so far because i really enjoyed them but i haven blogged about march soooo... but it's been so long since i let loose like that hehe i really love it thank you to the people who made it happened you all know who you are ♥

LAST 5 MINS OF BEING 21 D:
GOODBYE THE YOUNGER ME!!!
tho i'd probably still feel the same -_-

one day left till the day of mixed emotions, where you expect and try not to. heh.

okay goodnight time to sleep.

note to self.

if you feel like you have wasted your day, stop lamenting about it.
get up and restart it if need be.

it's april!

my birthday is coming!
not very excited LOL but i am trying to increase my anticipation and hopefully i will be disappointed tho i dun exactly expect anyth so in conclusion, i think operation to increase anticipation failed.
but then again it's the exams period so most of the things on your mind is either books or distractions...
andddd birthdays are just not on the list..
but then again exams periods are so boring that you can only think of books and books even when you are being distracted you can never ignore that nagging voice in your head which reminds you ALL THE TIME. 'WHY ARE YOU NOT STUDYING!?'
so since it is so boring, i should anticipate my birthday so there can be at least a few happier days for me.
okay this is just a nonsensical post where i am trying to talk to myself to delay studying again.
yes this is a distraction.
okay bye.