Shock of the Fall. (edited)

i just started reading this book about 12pm today,
and idk how far i read because i'm reading it online and it doesn't tell me the pages. it just goes like a long scroll.
it's actually talking about this boy, written in his own point of view, of how he became mentally ill after his older brother's death, which is directly or indirectly caused by him.
and it is a little bit scary to look into this world, from his point of view.
how he sees his dead brother and hears him through objects and everything.
and then somehow sometimes i can relate.
maybe he is not as crazy as people think he is.
there is a clear lack of emotions in the words as the 'boy' tells his story, but yet i teared.
maybe because i can relate.
i don't think i am mentally ill, but i understand.
maybe i need to pick myself up to get on with life again.

in the book, there is this line that talks about how i feel sometimes, esp when my birthday is coming yet again..
'I felt guilty for getting older, for leaving him behind;'

Now, i share the same age as you, as we sometimes do even tho you are technically a year older, since my birthday comes before yours.
i am going to grow older, older than you.
it's a little unfair that you are staying at the age you are now, you know?
aren't you supposed to always be older than me?
i am tearing now again.
i should get back to the book.
or i should probably study for my exam..
you know i love you right?
i miss you so terribly now..


-edits-
okay i have finished the book, and it's actually the first book by this author.
and he really wrote it beautifully that i was inclined to think that this is a true story of someone, and maybe it is.
but it doesn't really matter.
and the feeling of being lost that everyone feels is depicted beautifully.
thumbs up. heh.
now i shall dry my tears and get on with studying. haha.