there is a really really weird feeling inside of me :/
i dun really know how to describe it.
i guess i feel kind of lost now.
i guess i need to now sit down and think thoroughly about what i want in life so i can properly focus on whatever i am supposed to do now.
there are a lot of things which i feel that i can only do in the future, but then again, is that really so?
i kind of wanna build a family now, build a career now.
i wanna have my own room, my own house, my own everything.
that's kind of retarded, right? as people around me would start telling me all the practical and material things that i will need.
but then again, i have me, the most important person in my life, whom i believe can do so many things.
is it okay for me to be irrational? why not? why do people have to make rational decisions all the time?
i don't get it. what if going along with the irrational choice makes me happier?
or maybe now what i am just trying to do is just to try my very best to describe whatever i am feeling now, so i can acknowledge it, and understand myself better, and then let go.
how do i describe this?
it's like i am afraid of the future and yet looking forward to it at the same time.
and i guess i am not the only person who feel or ever felt this way hahaha.
sometimes i feel kind of mundane, living like this, but yet again i am the one who is causing these mundaneness.
i think i want someone to help discipline me. okay probably not 'want' but rather 'need'.
i need someone to follow through my plans together with me so i can really complete it.
procrastination is really getting the worst of me.
it is such an evil thing, eating me/us from inside out.
we need to fight it, even though we are enjoying it at the same time. this is bad.
lee jia le, i remember that day when you told yourself that you are not going to waste any more time of your life.
no, you are not wasting time, you are wasting your life, do you remember that?
or do you need something inspirational to happen to your life again so you can get up and put yourself back together?
get rid of that laziness, that procrastination, that moping around and uselessness.
do you want to be a blob of nothingness?
do you want to be a parasite that is just sucking blood/money/food or whatever and does not contribute?
are you forgetting something?
are you forgetting that once strong desire of yours to do really well and wanting to do something for this family?
please please please remember that in order to support your family, you need that A, you need all the distinctions you can get, and in order to do that, you have to concentrate, you have to focus, you have to stop being a pile of wastes.
okay now can you do it?
be fierce, be strict.
GO AND DO IT AND YOU BETTER DO IT OR ELSE I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU AND THIS WILL BE A REGRET WHICH YOU CANNOT COMPENSATE NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO OKAY.