and so,

my sprained ankle has not recovered yet -_-
i tot it would recover by tml and i was alr planning to go work but it still hurts. :/
told xueli i might recover tml and she was like 'today still pain you think tml you will sdnly wake up with it feeling okay??' which is like okay true.
walking more normally and up the stairs is fine for me now though i still limp a little and going down the stairs is still a big nono for me.
thank god i see some improvement in the recovery :')

recently i started thinking a lot.
thinking of how i am juggling my work and studies, and both needs a great amt of my commitment, and this is proving to be rather difficult.
i can't concentrate and focus on either.
sometimes i feel so tired i would just sleep in school, and at work, i can barely smile.
it's not that i am unhappy.
it's just that.. ah it's so hard to put these in words.

i really love this job.
i love the people in it.
i love how we play and work hard tgthr at the same time.
but recently, with the lack of being in the office and everything, it's getting hard to catch up.
i can't really commit as much as others do :/ and gradually i just feel lost...
even though i am the one who wanted to work and study at the same time, study is still my priority.
it's a great job, which allows you to develop and learn as much as you want to and you even receive lots of help while doing so, but, and there is always the buts, this job requires you to put in extra time and effort to make it work, which i am unable to.
i have a bad time mgmt, i admit, and i just can't cope.
and i feel like i have not a big enough ambition and desire to continue on.
yes, i want to provide for my family, but what's the point of earning lots of money when i don't have enough time to spend with them?
what's the point of earning so much money and i don't even have the time to spend it?
yes, they say to run hard now so you can enjoy the fruits of your labour in the future, but i can't do that now.
how do i progress in my career when i have my studies to take care of?
i can't run hard at my career and studies at the same time.
they are like two paths taking me to opposite directions.
how do i run towards two different directions at the same time?
it's just this dilemma that i have inside of my head.
it's this struggle that i am dealing with inside of me.
friends who see me struggle are advising me to quit and focus on my studies for the time being, and i know i should focus on that as my priority too.
but somehow it's like i'm kind of reluctant to let go of the job which i enjoy so much though i can no longer commit to it as much as i want to.

i should do things as i want right?
i should do things which make me happy right?
i am not exactly happy now.
where did the stubborn girl who insisted to quit the great eastern admin job two days earlier than agreed upon even though it's just two days go to?
where did the strong-headed girl who asked clara to quit when she complained about not being happy go to?
where did the girl who always insisted on only doing things which make herself happy go to?
it's time to find her back i suppose.