just a little something about life.

quarreled with tay a few days back and well, it wasn't exactly pleasant hahahaha.
he is always saying that i'm picking a fight but to me, well, i was just being honest and straightforward and possibly tactlessly blunt. :/
i'm always ready to blurt out all kinds of unhappiness and irritation in me, with no intentions to hold them in at all.
he is always comparing about our levels of tolerance and i have to admit, i am not a patient person as compared to him. and.... he will only rage if i'm raging in the first place. although most of the times he just bottles those feelings within himself.

i always felt that i was right, i mean right in the sense that i just shout and scream when i feel angry. i think it's important to vent out whatever i am feeling to make myself feel better.
but then again, is this really right?

i have never considered the fact that the people around me would feel hurt or upset by the sharp words i spoke when i'm angry.
some people say that truthful words are only spoken when one is angry, but i beg to differ.
okay it's not that i'm saying that i'm lying when i spoke those words i did because i truly meant them, but only at that point in time when my brain and thoughts were covered by the red veil of anger.
other people say 'don't make decisions when you are angry', and well, i agree with this to a certain extent.
an explanation to this line is that you shouldn't make decisions when you are angry because they will be made based on the conclusions you tend to set which are probably wrong.
there is a next line to this saying but yea it has nothing to do with the topic of anger management i'm touching on today soooooooo... hahahahahaha.

anger really does blind you, it denies you the fact that there are hundreds or thousands or millions of other possibilities instead of the one conclusion that you jumped into and couldn't escape before the red fiery sea consumed you.

and many of the times, i thought exposing him (as in knowing which unpleasant feelings he has without him telling me such as embarrassment, anger, unhappiness and exposing them) was a way to show or even prove how much i understand him to perhaps selfishly reassure myself.
okay maybe sometimes it's alright to say them out, when i just want to tease him.
but sometimes, it's not understanding to voice them out blatantly like that. perhaps it's more understanding to just know that i know and realising that he doesn't have to know that i know and just do things to make him feel better or even more comfortable.

sometimes he really knows how to deal with me.
and i only hate it when i said that i would do something out of anger but somehow he knows that i wouldn't and just spill that fact right at my face and i could just feel this shame wash over me and would be adamant to prove him wrong by doing just that but then again like what he already knew, i couldn't do it.

i will work harder and try and train myself to be a better person.
thank you for always being able to point out my weaknesses and yet accept them the way they are and staying with me despite being at the losing end of all the arguments, no matter big or small, all the time.
thank you for loving and hating me all at one go. hahahahahaha.
i love/hate you tooooo.




okay, i love you a lot more. <3