i am supposed to rush my report nowww which is due like TOMORROW. -_- so going to be late for bamp later but argh i can't help it. :/ and i need to bring my laptop there for projects ohmytian wad is life. hope i wun be too awkward later carrying loads of stuffs up the bus and down the bus. :/
it's going to be end of the year soon. this whole year has been REALLY happy/sad for me. had wonderful memories as well as unhappy ones. laughed till i cried and i cried till i laughed. it's always a cycle isnt it. life is a weird cycle which operates in the most magical way.
i dun deny that i have changed. people grow and change as life goes on and time passes. not that i dislike the change? but i suppose i just have to deal with it and get adapted and stop wanting to go back to the past. cause it's quite quite impossible.
feel like i have not been sharing about my innermost feelings with my closest darlings for the longest time. i dunoe wad to say. i cant exactly express how i feel. it just bottles up and i guess i have about a million bottles filled with emotions and thoughts now.
people usually think that i am a good speaker? just cause i am such a talkative chatterbox. but that's not quite true? i am someone who cant really express how i feel. you have to observe and if you are lucky, you might be able to guess it correctly.
i do try and say how i feel sometimes. but it's just like no matter how you try and phrase it, it's not the exact words in your heart and you just get stuck and stop there like you haven say anything at all.
it's also scary how the way people view you. esp your friends. people says that those who mind dun matter but those who matter dun mind. this isn't really true? cause sometimes those who matter do mind. so much more than those who dun matter. it hurts to see the way they view you isnt quite the real you. or perhaps you are the one confused with who is the real you?
who knows better about yourself? you or others? certainly you. you are the one who have all the memories of yourself and keeps all those tiny and huge secrets in your heart and have those indecent and shameful thoughts in your mind that noone knows of, or fully knows of.
since you know yourself best, then why care about people who judge you and everything? because they matter. they matter cause you never know when they are going to join in your life and when they are going to leave. so you are just trying to treasure every single person the best way you can, no matter whether you know them or not.
and sometimes, the people closest to you judge the most, more than you can even imagine.
no one would be 100% satisfied with another, as everyone has different faults and weaknesses.
but let it go, let people make their own mistakes, even if you know they will get hurt. you can't be there for them forever. it's just a little life lesson they have to learn from, or else they might get even more hurt in the future. they need to struggle before being able to be independent. it doesn't mean that you dun care or you are nonchalant. it just means that you care and love them enough to let them go and have their own life. you may give advices, but never try and control anyone's life the way you want them to lead with the reason of caring.
i know how to make the right decisions and choices. and even if i do make wrong ones, i learn from them and not commit those mistakes again in the future. i am not a little girl anymore. i am already 18. everyone might think that i am still a child and is naive and blur and gets conned easily but im really not one anymore. let me be independent and grow and not keep me behind your shield. i need no protection. i can protect myself so much more better. if not now, in the future, i am sure i can.
to a certain someone: you make me smile more than i thought i could. thank you so much. :)
to another certain someone: you told me to trust that you would stay and that i never trusted the wrong person. but how do i maintain this trust? i really dunoe. teach me.
on a random note, i miss my girls so much.
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