who i am.

nope it's not my birthday, nor is it the end of the year. but still i would like to write/note down what kind of person i am or have become. what kind of person i see myself as. how much understanding of myself i have gained. you might disagree or agree. i dunoe. but this is MY perspective of ME. :)

me, a girl. obviously. someone who can't really expresses her thoughts/feelings as well as you think. you may think that i can, cause of my bubbly and talkative nature, but in fact, i tend to bottle up the littlest things subconsciously. and i am trying not to now. in the past i could bottle up things as little as going to the toilet. :/ weird eh? then i would bear with it UNTIL a friend says that she wants to go to the toilet and then i would realised that i want to go to the toilet too and follow her. or if i really really cannot bear with it any longer and i will realise that i really need the toilet. hahaha! i start to bottle up things subconsciously is cause somehow to me, i don't like to trouble others by waiting for me while i go to the toilet or going to the toilet with me. :/ this is also why i don't usually initiate convers. i am afraid that i would be disturbing them? i am weird this way. hahaha.

i like to give myself excuses. :/ cause i don't like to make mistakes. sort of a high ego? i like to be right. who doesn't? i always try to justify my actions. :/ but if i am really at fault, tell me, and i will apologise. :) i am guilty conscious too. too afraid of making mistakes. i dun like or rather i am afraid of making others unhappy. :/ i used to be so afraid that i would do things that make me unhappy in order to make others happy. but then i realised that there is no point if i am not happy myself. :)

friends around me like to laugh at me alot. i dun mind. i know my brain is rather slow at times and my actions are rather retarded too and i always do stupid things as well, so people like to make a joke out of it. :) i dun mind being my friends' entertainment. them happy makes me happy too. different case from wad i said above. but dun be too overboard. there is a limit to everything. i don't like people to doubt my credibility, even if you are saying it as a joke. i am not stupid nor dumb. dun doubt my words even if you are just joking about the doubt-ing part. i DO get angry when i am talking about serious stuffs.

i have a bad temper. alot of my friends dun think so. i dunoe why. i may be easy going, but that doesn't mean i  have a good temper. it may be just that i keep quiet when i am angry. i usually flare up at those that are very close to me only. if i never flared up at you, it's either cause i am not that close to you yet or i am just not really angry, just irritated? my anger goes as quickly as it comes. already trying to keep my temper in check. :) not nice to have a bad temper too. i dun like being angry. i am rather stubborn too. and i am a very go-by-the-book/law-by-law person. totally not flexible at all. don't think out of the box now. learning to be more flexible. :) and that not all things go by our way. we just have to learn to accept it. ^^

hmm mm. to me i am someone who understands human nature very well? i know people hardly think i am mean, but i am not a saint, so of course i have times when i feel selfish and self-centred. i would chide myself, but that doesn't mean those thoughts wouldn't float up every now and then. hahaha. i feel like i can understand how everyone feels very easily, thats why i feel happy when i see strangers smiling, i feel sad and cry when i watch touching shows. not that i am the only one who does that, just that my EQ seems lower as i tend to cry/laugh easier. i tend to try to understand why people do/say the things they do.

and i do think badly of people smtimes. it's hard for me to truly really dislike you. because even if i start to dislike you and think of you badly or think mean stuffs about you, i do feel guilty and hope that there is an explanation for everything and perhaps i'd rather think like i am the mean person who is thinking of mean stuffs about you cause it is easier and simpler rather than thinking of you as the bad person.

but here is the prob. understanding does not equal agreeing. me being able to understand you, doesn't mean that i will agree with what you are doing. for example i understand why you only think of yourself, because everyone does so and it's human nature, but that doesn't mean that i agree with you not thinking of others at all. these actions might make me irritated and unhappy with you.

i am very irritable. little things might irritate me. but small irritations are alright. but if accumulated, i can only tell you it's not a good thing. if you notice hostile behaviors from me, it means that i am already irritated. hahaha! i dun usually tell ppl when i am unhappy with them, cause smtimes even i myself dun notice it until it is accumulated. hahaha. the subconsciously bottling things up again. but accumulated irritations and unhappiness are too obvious, even for people as slow as i am.

i am quite predictable. because my thinking span isn't that big. hahaha. i can't think of too many things at any one time. i have to concentrate on doing one thing at a time. i can't hide my feelings either. i used to think that i can hide it very well, but my face shows it all - my irritation, my anger, my happiness, my sadness. people can just guess what i am feeling with my expressions. i am very easy to understand too. because what i want is usually quite straightforward and simple. hahahaha. or so i think. maybe not so straightforward. smtimes i might say the opposite words but you know girls. hahaha!

because i can't hide my feelings, it is usually quite obvious when i am irritated/annoyed or when i dislike smone. hostile behaviors appear like what i have mentioned. i dun like people to try too hard. so when i am unhappy with you, dun apologise too much, you are just making things worse. trying too hard makes you seem fake. REALLY fake. and i hate fake ppl. i hate hypocrites. i hate liars who tell lies. i hate people who break promises. if you can't fulfill what you promised, then dun make it in the first place. makes sense. right? i am gullible and hence i tend to believe your words if you said them. and if you lie to me. you will just make me hate you.

complicated yet simple. simple yet complicated. i am just this kind of person. :) continue again next time.


p.s: this has been in my drafts for quite some time. and i just edited for abit and added in a few stuffs. :) continue this again when i feel like it. hahaha. ok goodbye. and i love my blog background by the way though i changed it for quite some time already hahahahaha. :)