me.

was thinking about myself today. yes only myself. i have been screwing up my life far too often. restricting myself not to scold vulgarities but sometimes only they can express how i really feel. so many people went in and out of my life. i don't really know who are the ones who will be going to stay, or rather, who are the ones who are willing and want to stay. maybe that's the reason why i don't really initiate talking to others on msn or sms. it's not that i don't care, but rather that i am afraid that they will find me annoying and irritating. negative thoughts.

i hate my voice. like seriously. the high pitched tone. argh. the way i talk to people. argh. i sound like a flirty bitch. argh. hate all these. giving out wrong info when i don't mean them at all. argh. all these sucks. bad habits bad habits. shouldn't behave too comfortably with guys no matter what my reasons are.

to me both guy and girl friends are the same. but no excuses i know i know. need to change. :( i don't like me. don't like don't like. sometimes, to tell the truth, i want to be more antisocial. :( at the very start, i was much too eager to make friends, and became too friendly. people always had a bad first impression of me. i didn't mean anything then. i just wanted to make friends. was too afraid of the status of friendless and loneliness. too dumb too dumb.

but sometimes i really don't want to care. i hope that my head was wide open so that people would know what i am truly thinking and know that i have no ill intentions or what so ever. i am not trying to flirt or wad, i am just using my sincerity to make friends. then again, i don't want too many friends. yes i want friends, but just a few close ones would be enough. like the friends i have now. it's already enough for me. :)

somehow sometimes i want to hide. i want to dig a hole and hide in there with my pillow and blanket and bolster and sleep for a hundred years until a prince with a white horse passes by and comes to dig me out. then we will ride on that magnificent white horse of his to his rainbow castle whereby during the journey we will fall in love and when we reached the castle there would be a beautiful wedding and surprisingly all my family and friends whom i love so dearly would be there and everyone would live happily ever after together in that small town to where the prince belongs to.

possible not. hopefully i would make this dream tonight though. wish me sweet dreams. :) goodbye.