things feel a little different today. i don't know what it is. :(( feel a little nonchalant these days. i should be. life is a short span of a few decades. so we have to make something meaningful about it? but so what if we made something meaningful out of it? just feels so.. :// *shrugs* i don't know.
one day, when i close my eyes, i am never ever going to open them again. what would i feel? what would i do? what would happen to me? i wonder. what would you feel? what would you do? what would happen to you? questions which all the more i wouldn't have answers to.
i feel so distant. sometimes. somehow or rather. pull me close again, would you? coughing and sneezing now. :(( i don't want to die of illness. i'd rather die of old age. who wouldn't want that? argh. but within these few decades i'm supposed to do something meaningful. have i already done something meaningful?
to you, am i a great daughter? a great sister? a great cousin? a great granddaughter? a great niece? a great goddaughter? a great friend? a great girlfriend? i seriously don't know. cause it's all in YOUR heart. not mine. these different roles that i play. have i played it well enough? would you tell me if i did or not?
i really want to know what is on everyone's mind. not those facades. not those masks you are wearing. but what you truly feel. what you truly fear most. no one can be happy 24/7, i believe, you too, my friend. though you always seem happy on the outside on the surface. but i know it still hurts. somehow. inside you. tell me, would you? if you know that i am referring to you.
i won't deny that my past STILL haunts me, making me afraid, making me insecure. but i know that i have to learn to be stronger and independent. yes, everyone will be with me and help me to recover completely from it. but in the meanwhile, i need to first help myself and stand strong.
i have a soft character. sometimes too soft to stand up to people. too soft to be a leader. too soft to be firm in my stand. i need to grow stronger, and not be weak. this is a huge change in my character, for almost my whole life, people around me took much care of me. cause in their eyes, i am still a little girl. the little girl who always asks 'why' questions, the little girl whose emotions are always shown on her face, the little girl who screams in joy and cries in sorrow. i sometimes wonder if i am really that immature? really that childish? i really want to be that sophisticated young woman whom i always joke that i am.
my EQ is really low uh? i can't control my emotions well. can't hide if i am happy, sad or angry. naked emotions hanging right in front of you. i don't like it. though i'm not saying that i want to be a hypocrite. but sometimes, there IS a need for you to hide your true emotions. maybe. but i hope that no one would hide their true emotions from me. do they feel the same? if so, then there would be no need for me to hide my true emotions, right?
i don't like to make new friends. or should i say, i don't know HOW to make new friends. my friendliness is actually quite based on my mood and the people around me. for example, if i have my friends with me, and i just got to know you, i would be VERY friendly to you. but if i am alone, and i got to know you, i would be VERY cold to you. i need to have people to be around me to support me before i am able to do anything. weak character AGAIN.
i don't think i have changed. don't doubt me when i say i haven't change. i know i didn't. if you insist or feel that i did, then it might be that you don't know me well enough. maybe some parts of me changed, but no matter what, i believe that the core me hasn't. i am still that very cheerful girl who loves to laugh and cares for everyone. my mindset might change, my actions might change, but all these are just part of growing up.
however, after all those above, i know something meaningful has already happened in my life, and that is you. :)) if you have ever had a long phone chat with me, if you have ever had a long msn chat with me, if you have ever had a long face-to-face chat with me, if you have ever had a long sms chat with me. in short, if you have ever had a long chat with me, then you can proudly(?) say that you are one of the very meaningful people in my life, whom i treasure a lot. i may not say it or show it, but you are really important to me. family members are of course included.
lastly, to the person who is currently the most important person in my life, i love you. i love you for who you are, what you do, what you think and what you feel. no matter the number of unreasonable things i do, the number of unreasonable things i say, the number of nonsensical actions i have, or just simply just who i am, you love me unconditionally. thank you. :)) for now, i just want to hold your hands until we grow old with white hair and no teeth. <33 loving you.
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