`222nd post

how many umpteen times i told myself not to care?
how many umpteen times OTHERS told me not to care?
but i cant i cant i cant stop caring.
freak im such a petty girl.
but at least im not afraid to admit it.
YES IM A PETTY GIRL!?
so wad!?
ohh freak i feel like calling smone to tell them about it.
but who can i call?
who would understand?
they will just say stop caring.
but the point is I CANT I CANT I CANT!
FREAK I FEEL LIKE IM SO BEING BETRAYED NOW!
i feel so awful awful awful.
how i wish once again im back to the old simple life with sebas.
maybe with sebas as my only friend i wun have to worry much.
dun have to worry dat he wun be by my side.
cuz i noe he will.
maybe i will be happier with only one friend.
i aso wouldnt have to worry all the time about wad would happen to me if i lose my friends.
stop saying dun worry.
cuz both you and me noe it doesnt work.
and it wun work.
I CANT PSYCHO MYSELF.
I CANT LIE TO MYSELF.
IM A REAL PERSON.
IM SOMEONE WHO CAN ONLY BE HONEST NO MATTER TO MYSELF OR TO ANYONE ELSE.
DATS WHY IM SO DUMB!
DATS WHY PPL GUESS MY SECRETS!
WTH WTH WTH!
sebas i miss you so much.
but i noe i shldnt disturb you.
can we go back to the secondary school days we had?
even though it was miserable and lonely for me.
even though i only had you.
but at least at least at least i din have to worry about losing you.
i dunoe why but i dun have to.
you just seem like you will always be there for me.
nv thinking dat i would actually take advantage of you by being your poor little beggar friend.
cuz i will always be your idiot.
it was a much simpler life for me.
i din have to worry about anyone or anybody.
i always take it for granted that you are a phone call or sms away.
i only understood when i really felt that i need you.
you are already a part of my life dat is not to be taken away.
you are more real than all those facts out there.
you wun cheat me wun lie to me or do anything else to hurt me.
you may play pranks and everything but still..
i still love you the way you are.
and your name always appear on my emo posts.
i dunoe why but you are always the first person to come to my mind.
i feel so dumb.
i noe wads your response if you see the prev line.
'you ARE dumb.'
i feel so petty now sebas.
dun give the same response.
cuz im not kidding.
theres alot of things dat i mind actually.
but i just kept to myself.
okies i agree with you now.
i AM dumb.
but i just dun want to hurt anybody.
am i wrong?
cuz i end up hurting myself.
sebas i hate myself.
i hate this petty me.
im not like this.
i wasnt like this.
why!?
wad happened!?
sebas tell me please..
LEE JIA LE i hate you.