feel so emo now.
just finished bathing.
cried the whole way.
i started crying cuz i was reading this book b4 i bathed.
a 3rd serving of the chicken soup for the soul.
it just gave me a deeper understanding of love.
nope not just love love.
but love between people.
like just between me and the you reading this now.
went to bathe and started crying again.
thought of all those that i have met.
westspring friends jiahao my happyclique tr01 seniors etc.
the new people i have met.
but smtimes i just miss the old people.
those dat i have met in the past.
those that i dun have to say much for them to noe stuffs abt me.
like my dear sebas and jiejie.
i dun have to explain how i was like how my school was like etc etc.
its just nice for people to say haiya jiale is always likedat blahh blahh.
but i noe theres smone arnd me who will say dat.
HAHAHAX!!
carol always says this is so typical jiale.
i like dat.
it gives me a warm feeling of closeness and everythng. :))
tot of my past too.
noone will noe how i felt.
seeing everyone in pairs or groups, while im left all alone.
the feeling of being alone, the feeling of being unwanted.
sebas stayed there with me.
but smtimes when im afraid dat i might be holding onto him for too long away from his own clique, i just let go.
but it made me feel unsafe again.
smhow it just led me to think of one person.
at one point of time in my life, this one person has become one of the most important person.
its a SHE.
but now shes in melbourne, australia.
smhow i miss her alot.
again.
i wonder when will i stop missing her.
maybe when im all grey-haired and toothless i will still be thinking about her.
shes one great person.
shes smone who noes me so much more than i did.
the one person who loves me more than i did to her.
i cant say dat im not affected at all with her going to melbourne.
i am.
though our lives are no longer entwined tgthr, i still reminisce our good old happy times.
i always felt so happy with her.
just a few more days it will be her 17th birthday.
the last time i wished her happy birthday was two years ago.
i asked for her forgiveness.
she rejected it.
more than half a year later, she said she forgave me, but our friendship was just not the same anymore.
i was the one who betrayed her in the first place.
its enough having her forgiveness.
this is the deepest hurt i ever had.
even deeper than ALL THOSE that hh have ever inflicted on me.
so much more deeper.
i noe that the hurt i gave her must be so much more painful than mine.
smtimes i still recall her laughs, her walous, her lets go to the locker tgthrs or just simply her pui meis.
rmb how she gave her all for me, and i failed to do the same.
i chose hh over her.
i cant believe dat i chose hh over her when i told her dat i would nv do dat.
this might be my deepest regret, but im not going to regret it, cuz i noe i deserve it.
i couldnt help but rmb dat when we failed to get into the same sec3 class the pact we made.
the pact we made abt getting into the same jc.
but now the paths dat we both have chosen to take is so different.
i went to poly and she went to further her studies overseas.
its just so ironic.
i rmb i used to often say dat i want to open a shop.
and she would say dat she would be the one helping out.
i was her pui mei.
and she was my pole of support.
smone whom i confided every single thing to.
when i was young i rmb doing a test which says dat i have 3 best friends in life.
one of them could be sebas.
but i noe for sure dat one of these three places belongs to her.
sarah tan xiu zhen.
i almost forgot her chinese name.
wanted to search for it.
but when i saw the initials, the puzzle pieces fit.
you have no idea how much i miss you.
and i wonder if i have the courage to say happy birthday to you once more, this year, when you are away.
i wonder if you miss me like the way i do to you.
i noe i have tons of great friends now who i will treasure forever. :))
