因为我的心，连我自己都不懂了。。

There has been too many a time when I actually step back to observe myself laughing and goofing around, wondering if I am truly happy.
Or just wondering if I am really as happy as I appear to be.
That is really a very weird feeling.
I just want to put everything behind me and not consider anyone or anything for a while.
Hoping and believing that the Korea exchange will be a revelation for me.
I am finally taking the step to venture out on my own.
There will be abundance of me time, and I will consider just me during those times.
I really, really cannot wait.

having this idea of booking this huge ktv room and then sing the whole day for my birthday and allllll my friends can just come and join me and leave anytime LOL.

i just want to find a day to sing the whole day lah tbh but I somewhat very much doubt that my friends would be game for meeting each other and singing in front of (technically) strangers lolol.

i just kind of want to have a mini party w all my friends leh for some reason.

like every single friend even though they may feel awkward D:

lol randomz okay bye.

what if I said you have always meant something to me?

bored at work.

just noticed how i should have updated the widgets on the left to reflect 2015 instead of 2014 haha.
but whatever, i'm not gonna bother doing it up for the time being.
feeling so tired and full now i can puke anytime.
maybe because of the soya milk.
i think i should cut down on that dairy intake.
head kind of hurts.
eyes closing.
should probably take out my books to study a little though.
since cny is coming and i have prelims next week.
annoyingz.
so many things bothering me that i should probably just leave it and let it be.
someone is pushing me to face them but i'll leave it till later i suppose haha.
i want to take my own baby steps.
just tiny steps will do.
even though if i'm gonna die i would be doing things very differently, which is weird because i always tell myself to live like i'm abt to die lol.
i dun make sense, i know.
just some casual random ranting.
admitted something to someone that i really don't want to admit.
and it's like this brand new reality dawned upon me.
i will be fine, for now.

WHO WOULD YOU DATE!?

this is so random and idek who ever comes here anymore but...


I got excited over this:

WHICH CHARACTER PLAYED BY THE SAME KOREAN ACTOR WOULD YOU DATE!?

well, probably because I imagined that both characters are wooing me and I can decide who I wanna pick lolol.
just feeling excited over this kind of things gives me cheap thrills in life don't ya think!?
yep so link for you people out there who wants to play too HAHA.

I CHOSE DO MIN JOON OVER CHON NA!
AND YOON YOON JAE OVER KANG WOO SSI!
okay boh liao but hehehe so excited over imagining me dating them.
来了来了佳乐发花痴了~ lolol
okay 我走了bye!

Tay's birthday weekend

Had the most wonderful weekend,
super productive albeit my irregular sleeping hours.
Got to hang out w tay and the uav gang and it was great, just like always keke.
Thankful I have them to help celebrate his birthday, and I hope he really enjoyed it. ^^
slept a lot and spent most of my waking hours hovering above my notes.
Glad that I studied a lot more than I did, though it is probably still not quite enough.
okay more caffeine and starbucks here I come!

today has been nothing but positivity and contentment.
I wonder if it was the clicking of my kitten heels which boosted my confidence,
or the nice random strangers I have met today,
or my very cheerful and bubbly colleagues,
or me taking my work with even more seriousness,
or my trying to be helpful and kind towards others,
or my talking to the stranger couple about the one-for-one starbucks today, tml, and the day after,
or watching the inspiring movie 'theory of everything',
or walking in random stores looking at all the cute soft toys and random things,
or that cooling breeze that played with my hair and skirt.
today has been almost the most perfect concoction.
I am glad I have you and everyone else.
My heart is at ease, with utmost gratitude.
Thank you, world, and whoever is looking out for me there.
This moment, is indeed a beautiful present.

HI Y'ALL!

I know whenever I come here it's almost always not something good lol.

BUT TODAY! I'm gonna share something really cute!!

It's kind of retarded because it happened to me like last year end.

yep for like over a month plus alr hahaha.

so it goes like this,

I was on the train heading somewhere after school, probably town.

then there was this couple beside me.

the husband have the kind of beng tatts on his back.

then in my heart, honestly, i stereotyped them as lian and beng lol.

but then as i just continued to secretly people-watch them by staring straight ahead but actually paying full attention to their conversation, i started to change my mind.

and i actually don't mean to eavesdrop lah i mean they were beside me but slightly in front of me due to their baby pram.

AH SDNLY I RMB! I was omw to bugis to meet my girls and it was xueli's bday that day! hahaha.

okay so anyway, they were super lovey-dovey and it's not in the ew kind of way but the awwww kind. lolol.

they were talking about their baby almost the whole time hahahaha.

talking about how cute the baby is then the husband asked the wife if she is cold then hands her a shawl or jacket I can't rmb which.

then they discuss about which photos of their baby they haven't send each other yet.

then they both coo their baby together and smile at each other.

they even discuss which photo is best for their phone wallpaper and lock screen lol.

and they coincidentally picked the same ones and yes they are using couple phones.

and then as I was thinking how happy this baby would be as he grows up and how loving this family is and how I hoped my future family would be like this, the wife talked to me.

I was holding onto the pole and she told me that my xmas nails was very cute. hahahaha.

and then I said thank you and showed her the nails and told her where I got it done at what price.

before I can tell her more, I reached bugis and had to alight.

so we said goodbye and it was a really brief chat with a very nice stranger with a very loving family.

I'm actually glad she talked to me too, for some reason hahahaha.

but it was nevertheless a happy incident and I'm glad to know that there is such loving family in this world.

ps: i dont actually see beng/lian as people who are not good, in fact, to me, they are very real people. people who are not afraid to be who they are despite they might be a little insecure inside.

because tao was a beng, lol, and i still love him to bits nevertheless.

he had lots of tatts too, but i loved them, not in the artsy way because i still cannot understand and really cringe when i see how red his skin gets, but whenever he describes his tatts to me, about how this is a cave and here is the dragon and how much he dislikes this part of the tatts and plans to cover it up with something else, i love the way he lights up as he talks about it animatedly.

when i close my eyes, or even as they are opened right now, i can see him right there in front of me, smiling ever so widely.

i still rmb those days when i can hold your hands ever so naturally and pinch your cheeks.

and laugh at the mole on your face saying that it's a fly lol.

you were one of the few that i would really do almost anything, just because you said it, no matter how tired or lazy i was, i'd do it just because you said you wanted it.

oh sigh getting emotional again cause it's almost cny i guess.

another festival passing through without you being there with us.

feels so weird because now i dun have you to bother and disturb.

grr and this was supposed to be a happy post. hahaha.

okay that's all! toodles people!

Here I am, sitting at my office desk dreaming of a solo trip.
I am kind of afraid what might happen if I venture out alone in terms of my security and all but then again I am really excited at the thought of a trip like this.
I can wake up and sleep at my own timing, go sit at an outdoor cafe or by the street watching as the locals bustle around their daily life.
Go on some hiking trips and get awed by the beautiful scenery brought by the nature.
Get immersed into their culture.
Try all sorts of cuisine but hopefully not weird ones lol.
I wonder when will I start this kind of lifestyle.
I wonder when will I get enough courage to get this stirred up.

i have always thought, as transparent as i try my hardest to be, it is still very difficult to get people to fully understand me.
but that is to be expected, as they are, after all, not me.
at times like this, perhaps i should stop trying so hard to get others to see things the way i do,
but just let go and recognize this fact - that we are all alone.
it's okay to be alone, i'm not saying it's not.
being alone does not equate to being lonely.
humans need to learn how to be alone, how to come to terms with yourself, how to hang out with yourself.
if you can't even do that with yourself, then how do you expect others to do the same?
there is far too much clutter around my space that i'm gonna clear out soon.
i'll probably throw them away, and throw away the things that remind me of certain memories that i might otherwise forget.
but so be it, if i dun rmb them, then they are meant to be forgotten anyway.
i will be okay, with myself, then i ever will be.
that's okay.
i'm okay.
for now, i'm going down so i can go up.

i am my own best and worst friend.

i know myself best, even when i dk how to describe it at all, which is like most of the time.
i am awkward, a lot, and i try my very best to embrace the awkwardness, only to fail awkwardly.
i try my best to love me, because if i don't, then who will?
i try to stay true, not good, but true, and well, sometimes good too.
i say horrible things, and mean ones too, and i hope that i can curb this side of me more in this coming new year, tho i can be really asshole at times when i really want to lol.
i will smile even more, laugh even louder tho it is already too loud, and stay happy as much as i can.
i will make serious decisions, and be firm on them.
i will explore and experience more, and find out what i want and not want.
i will do more of what i love instead of procrastinating and being lazy about it lol.
i will try my best to worry less.
and also, i will stick to my resolutions i wrote for this year.
let's hope i not forget it haha.
as what i always say, JIAYOU JIALE! hehe.

okay breathe jiale breathe.
stop overthinking stop pondering.
we'll just take things at our own pace okay.
so we're gonna enjoy everyth that comes our way.
positive mindset girl!
smile more smile more.
you are being okay.
things are just gonna fall into place as you go through them one by one.
good things are coming your way.
look forward ahead smiling okay.
get rid of that anxiety thought.
you are the one who can make you the happiest.
take deep breaths. yep. dun you feel better already?
okay let's restart and go!

Cried like mad in the shower thinking of you.
xueli jiejie is holding a durian party this sat you know.
how I wish you'll be there to eat w us.
how I wish I can hear you call my name.
how are you doing now?
I'm feeling so lonely sdnly.
read comics about 青梅竹马 lol but those are more of childhood sweethearts lah that's more of different but I always felt a special bond w you for some reason.
and it's probably cause of this special bond that you are just irreplaceable to me.
orkor. Rmb I tried calling you that. Lol. Korrr. But I always revert back to calling taooo ahtaoo xiaotaoziiii taaootaaaooo.
sdnly feeling so lonely.
I really dw christmas to come all of a sudden.
Idw this year to end and start another year without you.
I dw to sdnly come to where 10 years have passed and I'm sitting there reminiscing you and letting you become this very long ago memory.
I refuse I refuse.
if I cry enough would you come back?
Why am I still believing that we'll meet again someday?
Tao. This is really your biggest prank yet.
不要玩了回来了好不好?

christmas season is round the corner,

supposedly, " 'tis the season to be jolly fa la la la la la la la la", but recently I'm probably feeling more of " 'tis the season to be crying bwa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa"
probably there are just some things you will never get over, probably there are some people you will never move on from, there are just some people who will always hold that certain special spot in your heart.
i know, i know.
i should not be feeling all miserable and weepy in this 'festive season'.. so I've been making attempts to cheer myself up, organizing or asking people to organize stuffs happening around the date, hopefully to distract me.
even though every time I read/watch someth vaguely related to losing someone important or a family member.... *cues bwa wa wa wa wa*
i will just have to accept that this crybaby me (I alr was one, but now I got even worse lol) is here to stay for good.
I remember that night, we ordered the xmas special from pizza hut as a xmas treat; so now, every time I see the pizza hut's xmas pizza, I feel so very terrible inside.
It's like reminding me what happened that night.
I think I'd never be able to eat pizzas on xmas eve/xmas ever again lol.
I feel so tired, and I should probably go to bed.
I still miss you terribly, forever and always.

There are some things that I can never really figure it out.
or perhaps I'm just afraid of the unknown if I put everyth out in the light.
Smtimes I'm just hoping that things will fall into place without me doing anyth but I should probably put in some effort tho..
sigh the fear that this uncertainty creates is great indeed.

Posting consecutively because I just wanted to share here a personality post I believe I did before but tried again recently.
Perhaps I have posted it before too but I think I'd just put a label on this one so it'd be easier for me to track next time.

ENFP PERSONALITY

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for - and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing. It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool - for love - for your dreams - for the adventure of being alive.

Oriah Mountain Dreamer

The ENFP personality is a true free spirit. They are often the life of the party, but unlike Explorers, they are less interested in the sheer excitement and pleasure of the moment than they are in enjoying the social and emotional connections they make with others. Charming, independent, energetic and compassionate, the 7% of the population that they comprise can certainly be felt in any crowd.

YOU CAN CHANGE THE WORLD WITH JUST AN IDEA

More than just sociable people-pleasers though, ENFPs, like all their Diplomat cousins, are shaped by their Intuitive (N) quality, allowing them to read between the lines with curiosity and energy. They tend to see life as a big, complex puzzle where everything is connected - but unlike Analysts, who tend to see that puzzle as a series of systemic machinations, ENFPs see it through a prism of emotion, compassion and mysticism, and are always looking for a deeper meaning.

ENFPs are fiercely independent, and much more than stability and security, they crave creativity and freedom.

Many other types are likely to find these qualities irresistible, and if they've found a cause that sparks their imagination, ENFPs will bring an energy that oftentimes thrusts them into the spotlight, held up by their peers as a leader and a guru - but this isn't always where independence-loving ENFPs want to be. Worse still if they find themselves beset by the administrative tasks and routine maintenance that can accompany a leadership position. ENFPs' self-esteem is dependent on their ability to come up with original solutions, and they need to know that they have the freedom to be innovative - they can quickly lose patience or become dejected if they get trapped in a boring role.

DON'T LOSE THAT 'LITTLE SPARK OF MADNESS'

Luckily, ENFPs know how to relax, and they are perfectly capable of switching from a passionate, driven idealist in the workplace to that imaginative and enthusiastic free spirit on the dance floor, often with a suddenness that can surprise even their closest friends. Being in the mix also gives them a chance to connect emotionally with others, giving them cherished insight into what motivates their friends and colleagues. They believe that everyone should take the time to recognize and express their feelings, and their empathy and sociability make that a natural conversation topic.

The ENFP personality type needs to be careful, however - if they rely too much on their intuition, assume or anticipate too much about a friend's motivations, they can misread the signals and frustrate plans that a more straightforward approach would have made simple. This kind of social stress is the bugbear that keeps harmony-focused Diplomats awake at night. ENFPs are very emotional and sensitive, and when they step on someone's toes, they both feel it.

ENFPs will spend a lot of time exploring social relationships, feelings and ideas before they find something that really rings true. But when they finally do find their place in the world, their imagination, empathy and courage are likely to produce incredible results.

Heh such a long analysis but the 'little spark of madness' part is so true :x okay time for me to bury myself in books and notes~ goodbyeeee~

I believe I'm a true aries.

"強勢女白羊隻是想找到比她更強勢的男人保護她給她霸道的溫暖。而不是只會說我錯了對不起的男人。其實一句“你TM還不給我睡覺，不睡覺誰要你”比“寶貝早點睡”來的更讓人喜歡。"

Sounds so psychotic but yes so true hahahaha so man lah *-*

'Only let people who are worthy affect your emotions'

So now, even if you are my mother, I hereby declare you unworthy.

Thou shalt be stripped of all your worthiness and downgraded to penniless.

Do you love yourself more than you love love?
How far would you go for the one you love?
Don't say it's silly, or such love only exists in drama and fairytales.
I did once, love love far more than I love myself.
Love, such a strong word but so overly used.
Actions are much truer than words, and what are your actions telling me? What are my actions saying then?
Some things never go back, and some things take almost forever to be reverted back in the original state.
Are you willing to wait for the uncertainty? Are you willing to hold onto it?

i am forever fickle-minded.