okay breathe jiale breathe.
stop overthinking stop pondering.
we'll just take things at our own pace okay.
so we're gonna enjoy everyth that comes our way.
positive mindset girl!
smile more smile more.
you are being okay.
things are just gonna fall into place as you go through them one by one.
good things are coming your way.
look forward ahead smiling okay.
get rid of that anxiety thought.
you are the one who can make you the happiest.
take deep breaths. yep. dun you feel better already?
okay let's restart and go!

Cried like mad in the shower thinking of you.
xueli jiejie is holding a durian party this sat you know.
how I wish you'll be there to eat w us.
how I wish I can hear you call my name.
how are you doing now?
I'm feeling so lonely sdnly.
read comics about 青梅竹马 lol but those are more of childhood sweethearts lah that's more of different but I always felt a special bond w you for some reason.
and it's probably cause of this special bond that you are just irreplaceable to me.
orkor. Rmb I tried calling you that. Lol. Korrr. But I always revert back to calling taooo ahtaoo xiaotaoziiii taaootaaaooo.
sdnly feeling so lonely.
I really dw christmas to come all of a sudden.
Idw this year to end and start another year without you.
I dw to sdnly come to where 10 years have passed and I'm sitting there reminiscing you and letting you become this very long ago memory.
I refuse I refuse.
if I cry enough would you come back?
Why am I still believing that we'll meet again someday?
Tao. This is really your biggest prank yet.
不要玩了回来了好不好?

christmas season is round the corner,

supposedly, " 'tis the season to be jolly fa la la la la la la la la", but recently I'm probably feeling more of " 'tis the season to be crying bwa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa wa"
probably there are just some things you will never get over, probably there are some people you will never move on from, there are just some people who will always hold that certain special spot in your heart.
i know, i know.
i should not be feeling all miserable and weepy in this 'festive season'.. so I've been making attempts to cheer myself up, organizing or asking people to organize stuffs happening around the date, hopefully to distract me.
even though every time I read/watch someth vaguely related to losing someone important or a family member.... *cues bwa wa wa wa wa*
i will just have to accept that this crybaby me (I alr was one, but now I got even worse lol) is here to stay for good.
I remember that night, we ordered the xmas special from pizza hut as a xmas treat; so now, every time I see the pizza hut's xmas pizza, I feel so very terrible inside.
It's like reminding me what happened that night.
I think I'd never be able to eat pizzas on xmas eve/xmas ever again lol.
I feel so tired, and I should probably go to bed.
I still miss you terribly, forever and always.

There are some things that I can never really figure it out.
or perhaps I'm just afraid of the unknown if I put everyth out in the light.
Smtimes I'm just hoping that things will fall into place without me doing anyth but I should probably put in some effort tho..
sigh the fear that this uncertainty creates is great indeed.

Posting consecutively because I just wanted to share here a personality post I believe I did before but tried again recently.
Perhaps I have posted it before too but I think I'd just put a label on this one so it'd be easier for me to track next time.

ENFP PERSONALITY

It doesn't interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for - and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart's longing. It doesn't interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool - for love - for your dreams - for the adventure of being alive.

Oriah Mountain Dreamer

The ENFP personality is a true free spirit. They are often the life of the party, but unlike Explorers, they are less interested in the sheer excitement and pleasure of the moment than they are in enjoying the social and emotional connections they make with others. Charming, independent, energetic and compassionate, the 7% of the population that they comprise can certainly be felt in any crowd.

YOU CAN CHANGE THE WORLD WITH JUST AN IDEA

More than just sociable people-pleasers though, ENFPs, like all their Diplomat cousins, are shaped by their Intuitive (N) quality, allowing them to read between the lines with curiosity and energy. They tend to see life as a big, complex puzzle where everything is connected - but unlike Analysts, who tend to see that puzzle as a series of systemic machinations, ENFPs see it through a prism of emotion, compassion and mysticism, and are always looking for a deeper meaning.

ENFPs are fiercely independent, and much more than stability and security, they crave creativity and freedom.

Many other types are likely to find these qualities irresistible, and if they've found a cause that sparks their imagination, ENFPs will bring an energy that oftentimes thrusts them into the spotlight, held up by their peers as a leader and a guru - but this isn't always where independence-loving ENFPs want to be. Worse still if they find themselves beset by the administrative tasks and routine maintenance that can accompany a leadership position. ENFPs' self-esteem is dependent on their ability to come up with original solutions, and they need to know that they have the freedom to be innovative - they can quickly lose patience or become dejected if they get trapped in a boring role.

DON'T LOSE THAT 'LITTLE SPARK OF MADNESS'

Luckily, ENFPs know how to relax, and they are perfectly capable of switching from a passionate, driven idealist in the workplace to that imaginative and enthusiastic free spirit on the dance floor, often with a suddenness that can surprise even their closest friends. Being in the mix also gives them a chance to connect emotionally with others, giving them cherished insight into what motivates their friends and colleagues. They believe that everyone should take the time to recognize and express their feelings, and their empathy and sociability make that a natural conversation topic.

The ENFP personality type needs to be careful, however - if they rely too much on their intuition, assume or anticipate too much about a friend's motivations, they can misread the signals and frustrate plans that a more straightforward approach would have made simple. This kind of social stress is the bugbear that keeps harmony-focused Diplomats awake at night. ENFPs are very emotional and sensitive, and when they step on someone's toes, they both feel it.

ENFPs will spend a lot of time exploring social relationships, feelings and ideas before they find something that really rings true. But when they finally do find their place in the world, their imagination, empathy and courage are likely to produce incredible results.

Heh such a long analysis but the 'little spark of madness' part is so true :x okay time for me to bury myself in books and notes~ goodbyeeee~

I believe I'm a true aries.

"強勢女白羊隻是想找到比她更強勢的男人保護她給她霸道的溫暖。而不是只會說我錯了對不起的男人。其實一句“你TM還不給我睡覺，不睡覺誰要你”比“寶貝早點睡”來的更讓人喜歡。"

Sounds so psychotic but yes so true hahahaha so man lah *-*

'Only let people who are worthy affect your emotions'

So now, even if you are my mother, I hereby declare you unworthy.

Thou shalt be stripped of all your worthiness and downgraded to penniless.

Do you love yourself more than you love love?
How far would you go for the one you love?
Don't say it's silly, or such love only exists in drama and fairytales.
I did once, love love far more than I love myself.
Love, such a strong word but so overly used.
Actions are much truer than words, and what are your actions telling me? What are my actions saying then?
Some things never go back, and some things take almost forever to be reverted back in the original state.
Are you willing to wait for the uncertainty? Are you willing to hold onto it?

i am forever fickle-minded.

sorry for being such a glutton, but

FREE FLOW FOOD

despite all the downs in life, nowadays I'm feeling a little happier than usual.

I've learnt to let myself go and not beating myself up for every little thing.

To not waste the present moment on regretting the past moment.

Now is present, it's a gift from life.

I just want to record this moment of my life, despite being alone in my air-conditioned room, to be happy.

I've not really done anything today, perhaps just cleaning my study table area for a little and watching shows that I've already watched w my family and had a sumptuous dinner which got me a little too full.

But, I am happy.

:)

thank you life for this gift, this present, this moment.

I am glad you are here with me.

H-A-P-P-Y

Letting the one you love most go.
What does that even mean?
One can always love more, right?
Love is measured by how much you give instead of how much you receive.
So perhaps I should give more, a whole lot more.
And I see it now, a little, that giving makes me a happier person.
Seeing that I made someone's day make me a happier person.
Maybe it's time to uncomplicate things.
Im just gonna work this out a step at a time.
You always appear at the worst timings.
Dun sway me anymore.
Im just gonna go w what makes me feel happy now.
If I'm unhappy then at most I'd just break off whatever that's making me unhappy.
At the very least, for now, I know that I am happy.
Much happier than I ever was for the past two yrs.
I've always felt like I love you the most, and that I have been comparing too many against you.
I need to stop that now, and it's probably time you get down from that top spot.
It's complicated, I'm complicated, humans are complicated, life's complicated.
Stop the analysis, I only wanna measure me and my life as to whether I am happy now or not, that's all.
And now, I can say, I feel happy and somewhat fulfilled. :)

I dk why I am feeling this kind of resentment towards you.
you told me that I don't have to pretend in front of you, but yet I feel so sick of this.
are you really being concerned?
or am I just somewhat disappointed at smth that I shld have less expectations about?
there is nothing more and I should not overthink.
I sincerely hope I'd look back at this moment in the future and laugh at how I am behaving right now.

dun talk to me dun tell me what to do dun give me any advice.
for now, im just clearing out thoughts.
i still have no idea what i want.
and i'm gonna take my own sweet time figuring it out.
you have your choices and you can do whatever you want.
i have options too, just that i have yet to make up my mind.
i just wanna laugh and not talk about negative things.
yep i just wanna avoid them and hopefully they will avoid me too.
it's like when i was a kid.
if it's troublesome and sad, i try to pretend that it doesn't exist and continue to play with other toys.
no need to make myself miserable by forcing myself to decide now.
i have lots of time.
and even if i don't, at least i don't think i am wasting my time now.
i will do fine.
with or without you.
because everyone is born alone and dies alone.
i am okay, i am fine.

this hurts so much, it seems to hurt even more with every breath i take.
you choosing to hurt me every single fucking time hurts.
i feel like i almost cant breathe.
i'd slap you a few more times if i can.

i need to quit stressing myself so much.
grrrrr.
i need sleep.

What I really miss was the once happy me.
Can things go back to the way it was?
Idk anymore.
If I called you 'baby' one more time I know I will just crumble down to bits.
I am just trying so hard not to think about it.
I doubt I can take hearing your voice or seeing your face.
Idk if I miss you or the idea of you or the idea of us.
Lol am I making this complicated?
Just knock my head and give me a concussion and let me forget about everyth and restart all over again.
If not for all this hurt I wouldn't react the way I did.
I'd be this really happy girl who'd trust everyone completely again.
This kind of became a reflex, to withdraw and shut it down.
I am unable to vision nor believe in a future, then what do I do?
Tell me what to do.
I need to know, I want to know.

i don't miss you.
i don't really want to see your face.
but sometimes i yearn for some last hug or something like that..
you don't understand, why can't you understand?
am i even important?
it always seemed like you never bothered about how i will feel.
you don't think through.
probably because you have been an insensitive person your whole life, while i am the exact opposite.
and it's so tough when i scrutinize every single little emotion/feelings in between me and you while you ignore most of yours, and probably mine.
stop trying, don't try anymore.
i really just need to be on my own, all alone....................

After explaining so many times and giving so many reasons, I realised there is no better reason than 'I'm not happy in this anymore.'
Being happy has always been my key, and I need to learn to not torture myself anymore.

I think aft the meetups this week, it's time for me to practice some solitary.
Disappear for a while.
Go on lone walks and trips.
I need to stop interaction for a bit and focus on myself more.
No tech.
Just me and a book and my organizer to jot down some random thoughts.
Go out to nature more.
Watch the sky and sea seemingly touch at the horizon.
Have been wanting to go out to the beach for ages but not v willing to take out that step.
It's time that I do this.
Gonna leave my phone at home?
Omg it's gonna be such a huge step for people in today's society - out without their phone.
Haha let's start w baby steps, jiale.
We can do this!