Perhaps dying in my sleep would be smth good for once.
Like I'd dream of tao and ahma and they'd ask me if I'd like to join them and I say yes and I will just fly to them and leave the world behind.
The way this matter was handled is very distasteful.
And no I don't need any comments or gossips going around, esp not around me.
That's not helping, at all.
All I need is someone to listen and understand, even when I am making jokes about it.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Maybe it's the cold weather,
Maybe it's my period,
Maybe it's the time of the night,
Maybe it's this Christmas period,
Or maybe because I'm feeling unwell.
I am missing you terribly tonight.
And how I wish I can be surrounded by my loved ones and get hugs from everyone.
I probably just wanna feel warmth and love.
I should probably get back to blogging my daily life, or at the very least write down in my organizer.
Need to start penning down my life again before I forget.
People always need reminders for all kinds of things.
I need them too.
Go me.
Maybe it's my period,
Maybe it's the time of the night,
Maybe it's this Christmas period,
Or maybe because I'm feeling unwell.
I am missing you terribly tonight.
And how I wish I can be surrounded by my loved ones and get hugs from everyone.
I probably just wanna feel warmth and love.
I should probably get back to blogging my daily life, or at the very least write down in my organizer.
Need to start penning down my life again before I forget.
People always need reminders for all kinds of things.
I need them too.
Go me.
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
meaning.
i have been trying so hard to put meaning to my life recently.
and it no doubt includes today too, despite the negative underlying meaning that this other day holds for me, i really hoped it to be positive.
got informed this morning that plans today are ruined.. okay suck thumb.
sat around aft praying and burning incense papers for my ahma and did some family bonding and helped the uncles and aunties to catch on the advancements of technology.
mmhmm.
back home, falls back in the negativity veil.
the harder i try to run from it, the harder i fall back on it.
what an irony.
i guess even irony is laughing at me.
the fear is eating into me again.
why is the fear of losing you creeping up to me again when i have already lost you?
miss irony is laughing again.
what a stupid person this is, she says.
and i have no retort for her.
because it's the fact, what can i say?
everyday thinking of HOW to put meaning into my life instead of actually doing it.
i should really start acting instead of thinking..
but i have no motivation no aim no goal.
let's step back again, and take one tiny step again.
please stop wanting to jump across a sea.
and it no doubt includes today too, despite the negative underlying meaning that this other day holds for me, i really hoped it to be positive.
got informed this morning that plans today are ruined.. okay suck thumb.
sat around aft praying and burning incense papers for my ahma and did some family bonding and helped the uncles and aunties to catch on the advancements of technology.
mmhmm.
back home, falls back in the negativity veil.
the harder i try to run from it, the harder i fall back on it.
what an irony.
i guess even irony is laughing at me.
the fear is eating into me again.
why is the fear of losing you creeping up to me again when i have already lost you?
miss irony is laughing again.
what a stupid person this is, she says.
and i have no retort for her.
because it's the fact, what can i say?
everyday thinking of HOW to put meaning into my life instead of actually doing it.
i should really start acting instead of thinking..
but i have no motivation no aim no goal.
let's step back again, and take one tiny step again.
please stop wanting to jump across a sea.
Friday, December 20, 2013
time's up?
Sometimes things just get so ridiculous I can only laugh.
Idek how to brisk through it all.
Maybe I just want to stop worrying and thinking.
You make me laugh, in the good way and the bad.
There's a communication breakdown.
Perhaps it happens to ppl like me, who actually do run out of things to say as time passes.
Probably I need somebody who can enjoy the silence with me.
Just wanna sit somewhere, cuddle, then watch as the world goes by and skies turn gray.
Are you capable of doing nothing?
No phone no ds no computer no games.
Just you and me and two chairs. Make that two rocking chairs and perhaps a shawl or two each.
Wasting time? No. Just enjoying.
Idek how to brisk through it all.
Maybe I just want to stop worrying and thinking.
You make me laugh, in the good way and the bad.
There's a communication breakdown.
Perhaps it happens to ppl like me, who actually do run out of things to say as time passes.
Probably I need somebody who can enjoy the silence with me.
Just wanna sit somewhere, cuddle, then watch as the world goes by and skies turn gray.
Are you capable of doing nothing?
No phone no ds no computer no games.
Just you and me and two chairs. Make that two rocking chairs and perhaps a shawl or two each.
Wasting time? No. Just enjoying.
Monday, December 16, 2013
for some reason, you feel like the love that could have been.
but i guess we probably wouldn't know, for the rest of our lives, like ever.
the way we converse, about our future, our ideal guy/girl, even about me.
there seems to be this complication, this complicated sentiment lying between us.
but i guess we mostly choose to ignore it, that minute awkwardness(?) haha. that's the best i can explain this.
even so, i am so really very glad that we are this close, the friendship we share.
and i am eternally grateful to you, though idk if you will be reading this haha, for accepting all my weirdness and retardness lol.
and you will always be one of my closest friends! kekeke ^^
but i guess we probably wouldn't know, for the rest of our lives, like ever.
the way we converse, about our future, our ideal guy/girl, even about me.
there seems to be this complication, this complicated sentiment lying between us.
but i guess we mostly choose to ignore it, that minute awkwardness(?) haha. that's the best i can explain this.
even so, i am so really very glad that we are this close, the friendship we share.
and i am eternally grateful to you, though idk if you will be reading this haha, for accepting all my weirdness and retardness lol.
and you will always be one of my closest friends! kekeke ^^
idk if it's because i have been going out for the past 4 days with my friends which i really thoroughly enjoyed and laughed so much even tho it meant i spent a considerable amount of money and i felt just a little sad about that portion but today i am falling back into the 'i hate everyone kind of mood'.
or maybe it's just cause i din sleep my fill and got woken up by my sis banging the door shut in the process of entering and leaving the room.
IT'S REALLY ANNOYING and i am sure all of you agree. hahahaha.
and so i woke up in a bad mood, which resulted in the anger in me and i flared up in front of my family.
argh.
and then i cleaned out lots of junks in the study room since i am planning to spend lots of time in here today and tho all i did was to move them out of the room into the living room.
most of the stuffs are not mine anyw.
though i doubt the study room looks tidied but at least it has a lot more space now for me to move about in my chair.
really cannot stand junks.
and the lack of space thereof.
i love love love big spaces, like just big empty spaces.
i rmb in the apartment i once lived in, in woodlands, when i was younger, was a 5 room flat.
this meant it had 2 living rooms, or rather a dining room, and i had this huge space to myself.
we used to lie on the floor a lot and roll around and even prance around.
i used to love the current home, wayy before it got sooo crowded with things.
i mean, we used to have less things because we are younger.
but because now we are older, we tend to have a lot more things and things that grow old or out of date and then we get new ones but we never ever throw away the old ones.
for example, i got a new mattress because the old one is 10 years old and the springs mostly broke. (you cannot understand how i suffered all those springs poking me while i slept).
and my mum took like what one week? to decide to throw it out.
and i asked her EVERY SINGLE DAY if i should throw it out.... -_-
because she is always afraid that there would be a use for these things next time.
and that is the problem.
because we have at least like twenty to thirty bags which we haven't seen (because she kept it in this cupboard in my study room and the cupboard was covered in so much junks we cant even open the doors yes im not joking) and thus haven't used in like a few years?
and i talked about throwing them out and my mum was planning to and then my sis said she wanted to use those bags.
ermmm. so my mum kept all those bags but seriously, my sis never took a second look at them after that day -_- what about using them?
they are super ugly because all those leather were coming off, white bags became yellow, and there are weird stains on some of them.
ARE YOU SURE WE CAN EVEN USE THEM? -_-
xueli says her family throws out things which they haven't use or touch for the past 6 months.
well, i think my family have things which are not used or touched for YEARSSSS.
cannot stand this much longer, i would have to clear them out quickly.
JIAYOU ME.
or maybe it's just cause i din sleep my fill and got woken up by my sis banging the door shut in the process of entering and leaving the room.
IT'S REALLY ANNOYING and i am sure all of you agree. hahahaha.
and so i woke up in a bad mood, which resulted in the anger in me and i flared up in front of my family.
argh.
and then i cleaned out lots of junks in the study room since i am planning to spend lots of time in here today and tho all i did was to move them out of the room into the living room.
most of the stuffs are not mine anyw.
though i doubt the study room looks tidied but at least it has a lot more space now for me to move about in my chair.
really cannot stand junks.
and the lack of space thereof.
i love love love big spaces, like just big empty spaces.
i rmb in the apartment i once lived in, in woodlands, when i was younger, was a 5 room flat.
this meant it had 2 living rooms, or rather a dining room, and i had this huge space to myself.
we used to lie on the floor a lot and roll around and even prance around.
i used to love the current home, wayy before it got sooo crowded with things.
i mean, we used to have less things because we are younger.
but because now we are older, we tend to have a lot more things and things that grow old or out of date and then we get new ones but we never ever throw away the old ones.
for example, i got a new mattress because the old one is 10 years old and the springs mostly broke. (you cannot understand how i suffered all those springs poking me while i slept).
and my mum took like what one week? to decide to throw it out.
and i asked her EVERY SINGLE DAY if i should throw it out.... -_-
because she is always afraid that there would be a use for these things next time.
and that is the problem.
because we have at least like twenty to thirty bags which we haven't seen (because she kept it in this cupboard in my study room and the cupboard was covered in so much junks we cant even open the doors yes im not joking) and thus haven't used in like a few years?
and i talked about throwing them out and my mum was planning to and then my sis said she wanted to use those bags.
ermmm. so my mum kept all those bags but seriously, my sis never took a second look at them after that day -_- what about using them?
they are super ugly because all those leather were coming off, white bags became yellow, and there are weird stains on some of them.
ARE YOU SURE WE CAN EVEN USE THEM? -_-
xueli says her family throws out things which they haven't use or touch for the past 6 months.
well, i think my family have things which are not used or touched for YEARSSSS.
cannot stand this much longer, i would have to clear them out quickly.
JIAYOU ME.
Monday, December 09, 2013
my body.
i have been giving myself all sorts of reasons to doll up myself that i haven't been appreciating how i look like at my worst.
yes now is probably my worst, minus the times when i think of ortao and my ahma and start bawling all over with my even redder nose and swollen eyes.
what happened happened.
and there is no going back.
i am just sitting on the floor in my living room on my yoga mat where i just did some crunches and air cycling and just some plain old workouts that i should probably do more except that it bores me and i find myself thinking of nonsensical things which bring me back here.
i find myself falling in love with make ups, and dressing up.
at times, i cannot be bothered, but there are also times when i just wanna dress nicely and when i do, i never feel comfortable in noticing that people notice me.
i am not very comfortable in my own skin.
i always need to ask for opinions after i am done dressing up, in the same old clothes but i would always ask, does this look okay?
is anyone else like me?
because i kind of have my tops and bottoms paired up and when i change the pairing, i feel so damn insecure, which is what i do all the time because i don't want to wear the same pairing all the time.
yup i have some issues with my body.
i have the tendencies to just keep staring at myself in the mirror, as if the more i look the more my reflection will conform into somebody else.
and i am not even sure if that somebody will even be me.
me me me me.
i am never the skinny girl.
probably because i dun do exercises and i tend to overestimate my appetite, overeating as a result.
i think that's a problem, overeating and not exercising.
and in the case where i dun exactly eat all the healthy food like fruits and vegetables, plus my irregular sleeping hours, i am genuinely starting to worry for my body.
because nowadays, all i do is to just laze around..
i should probably get out more, even just down to the supermarkets.
i probably should just erm walk around more, even in my own house.
i probably should practice some cooking and baking, just so i dun stare at electronic screens all day long.
do something healthy.
breathe some fresh air.
less laziness and procrastination.
yes that's what i need.
but you know what?
i am great at talking about all these, but bad at actually executing them.
because i would never do it, if i were to do it alone.
i would always wait for somebody to actually ask me to do it TGTHR.
yes i am super passive.....
okay idk.
i guess it all boils down to being happy and really comfortable in whatever i do and trust myself more and not others and then being really bubbly and healthy and just jump around and go everywhere more and put in more hearts in treating the people around me right.
okay and the crux in all these, i presume is to be grateful.
grateful grateful grateful.
grateful in whatever i have, and then i will be happier, and then i will gain confidence and thus feel more comfortable and trust myself more and then i will get more bubbly and cheerful and my body will respond to my happiness by becoming healthier and then i would feel all these energies surging through my body and then i would put in more efforts in doing something special for those special. :)
okay.
first up, i am grateful for my family.
i have a complete family, and that is something i ought to be really thankful for.
i have both my parents loving me and being by my side.
i am thankful to have two sisters who always have to bear the brunt of my temper and rants and do things for me because i kind of force them to and despite them fighting back a lot of the times i am thankful for the times which they tolerate and do things for me. :)
i am thankful that all 5 of us are healthy, and we are happy.
i am also thankful that my family starts to go downstairs to have meals tgthr instead of the just tabao back home for everyone so we can actually have family time.
i am also thankful to be able to talk to my family members more and bond more with them. :)
then, i am also thankful to have tay.
he who quarrels with me all the time but yet has to appease me no matter whose fault it is.
and i think we should both start to learn how to agree to disagree, so that we can just accept our differences instead of trying to solve them.
and thank you for always bearing me and my bad attitudes which sometimes even shock myself and yet you still never showed any hurt or bad temper towards me.
thank you for always buying food for me just because i am lazy and thank you for going all kinds of places with me.
i am very thankful for all the friends around me, all the people who always laugh with me, do silly things with me, talk about almost everything under the sun with me, exploring new places with me.
all the times when you listen to my rants, watch me cry, comforted and consoled me in your own ways, play with me, run around with me, lend me your shoulders your arms your everywhere hahaha hehehe i love you.
all the people i love muaks muaks. i am grateful for you and you and youuuuu! ^^
I need to stop being that silly gullible girl who falls for salesmen's tricks.
And pays and buys their stuffs just to get out of there.
I need to be firm and say no much more firmly and just turn my head around and leave the goddamn place without getting swayed.
No playing on personal feelings and letting them tell you what the ppl around you need.
Fuck this shit and fuck them.
And pays and buys their stuffs just to get out of there.
I need to be firm and say no much more firmly and just turn my head around and leave the goddamn place without getting swayed.
No playing on personal feelings and letting them tell you what the ppl around you need.
Fuck this shit and fuck them.
Saturday, December 07, 2013
life
What do I do when we have opinions and views that are literally on opposite sides regarding a whole lot of issues?
I mean, I have unlimited hope about the future and the potential it holds, but all you have is practicality which leaves no room for imagination at all.
Why are you restricting yourself before we even start is what I cannot understand.
And why am I trying to believe the seemingly impossible is what you cannot understand.
I mean, I am the kind of person who believes that I can become a somebody while you are the kind who thinks that someone else can take up that role.
We are basically two persons from two extremes.
How do I go on trusting about our future when we don't exactly believe in the same one? Even tho there are a lot of similar things that we want in life.
How do we actually live tgthr when our outtakes on life is so so so different?
And none of us is willing to compromise w each other?
I cannot stand your lack of imagination and hate the thought of practicality while you can't stand my impracticality and categorise them all under naivety.
I mean the future has no limits.
Nobody in the 1900s ever thought that we could have Internet which enables us to keep in touch aross the globe so why are you now looking down upon what the future may bring us?
There is invisibility cloaks being researched on and invented as we speak you know.
Soon we can all be harry potters flying on broomsticks for all you know.
I know it all lies in attitude, and idk how we can go back after all these years.
I'd prefer not to think then, like how you always say when I try to be serious.
I mean, I have unlimited hope about the future and the potential it holds, but all you have is practicality which leaves no room for imagination at all.
Why are you restricting yourself before we even start is what I cannot understand.
And why am I trying to believe the seemingly impossible is what you cannot understand.
I mean, I am the kind of person who believes that I can become a somebody while you are the kind who thinks that someone else can take up that role.
We are basically two persons from two extremes.
How do I go on trusting about our future when we don't exactly believe in the same one? Even tho there are a lot of similar things that we want in life.
How do we actually live tgthr when our outtakes on life is so so so different?
And none of us is willing to compromise w each other?
I cannot stand your lack of imagination and hate the thought of practicality while you can't stand my impracticality and categorise them all under naivety.
I mean the future has no limits.
Nobody in the 1900s ever thought that we could have Internet which enables us to keep in touch aross the globe so why are you now looking down upon what the future may bring us?
There is invisibility cloaks being researched on and invented as we speak you know.
Soon we can all be harry potters flying on broomsticks for all you know.
I know it all lies in attitude, and idk how we can go back after all these years.
I'd prefer not to think then, like how you always say when I try to be serious.
Saturday, November 30, 2013
rushing out my assignment right now,
so i really shouldn't be here..
did my assignment halfway when i realised that i am on the wrong page and had to restart..
okay can...
it's just one qns and in exams, i'm required to finish one qns in like 45mins but now i've spent hours just trying to finish it...
oh well..
argh.
did my assignment halfway when i realised that i am on the wrong page and had to restart..
okay can...
it's just one qns and in exams, i'm required to finish one qns in like 45mins but now i've spent hours just trying to finish it...
oh well..
argh.
Thursday, November 28, 2013
V.O.S's You're Just In A Higher Place
this vid seems long but i made it start at the performance so no worries as you hit that play button.
i wanted this subbed version because the lyrics simply described how I felt this past whole year, even tho I am still crying.. and I just couldn't find any other subbed vid of this :/
their voices which touched me together with the lyrics is just.. indescribable..
My dearests, you're just in a higher place than me, and I do look up at the sky alot now, believing that you are here with me, just as the lyrics said.
I know that I can't see you again, I know that it was your last breath, but I'm still wandering around looking for you, you're not here anymore..
I know I am just repeating the lyrics.. but it just touched so close to home..
The only difference is that I am still crying, and I'll wait for the day that I stop crying and stop feeling sad..
I want to feel happy for I can smile beautifully for you in our next lives when we find each other..
Friday, November 22, 2013
Technology.
I was coming up here, planning to talk about how Social Media has detached us, but I held that thought, because no, it's not just Social Media, it's Technology.
I am not excluding myself, because in this tech-savvy world, where information has to be obtained in a click, I am, too, caught up in this whirlwind of what we call, technology.
There is this so-called transparency which lured us in.
We think that we know the true selves of people as we look at their profiles on Social Medias.
We think that we know everything, reading and believing every single online article post by human beings who are just like ourselves.
I mean, I understand that there are times when we just resonate with what others feel and say, but not everything, is right.
What I am really trying to say is, hold your own stand, instead of being so quick in believing in others' philosophies.
Is this world making us more individualistic, or more homogenous?
We are basically living almost the exact same lives.
I mean we share our lives, across Social Medias, and we look at things that we can't reach through others' eyes.
and THAT is their perspective, not yours.
I never doubted in the human touch, which I, to be honest, have been lacking recently.
I have been really out of touch.
I was just basically absorbed in myself, and I just look at how my friends are doing through Social Medias.
But is that right?
is that really right?
I tried changing these few days. I tried helping out with the grocery shopping today.
I discussed with my mum about the dinner that she is gonna make today.
I then realised that it has been long since I last talked?
I mean properly talked?
I don't know, maybe I have been so absorbed in myself that there is nothing happening in my life right now, that I don't know what to say anymore, since there is no event which I can talk about.
Nothing happening except more technologies, which includes social media, online games, blogs, vlogs, and many more.
Why the hell am I being so concerned about strangers' lives when there are so many more people AROUND me that I should be caring for.
I talked to my mum a little about her mum, who passed on recently.
It felt kind of good.
I talked to my dad ytd too, showing him a new way of eating bananas which I saw on the Internet (yes, again) and then he talked about his old kampong life which I asked a little about it.
I love my parents, despite how annoyed they make me sometimes, but I guess I should be the one who should be a little more patient.
I will change.
The quarrels in my house, definitely not the best thing to happen.
I hate the arguments so much so that I often join in as an attempt to stop it.
Yes I know, worst decision ever made.
Tonight, I stood out of it.
I was getting pissed at the attitude and tones of voice, but I held my tongue.
I told myself to just stay calm, face the fact that I am angry, and just let go.
Yup a trick I kind of mastered in 'Tuesdays with Morrie' but never exactly used it much.
I look at my sisters.
The youngest one, forever on her phone.
I guess I was wrong in encouraging my parents to get her a phone w data plan.
It just made her hooked on.
I mean, she sacrifices her sleep just to talk to her friends, and then procrastinate on bathing until the wee hours, like until 4-5am until she decides she will not bathe and just go to sleep straight.
Yea I am NOT kidding.
The other sister, perhaps she is a little bit better in this way?
But she, too, places much importance in her friends.
I mean, I used to be like this too, back when I was 17?
The time when I just entered poly and was really deprived of friends because of what happened to me in my secondary school life.
But I soon got all better.
But somehow, it's different now.
I thought with two funerals held in the past one year, having two losses in our family, they'd wake up, just a little, about how family can be the most important sometimes.
Even my dad is addicted to technologies.
I guess only my mum is the only one who is not hooked, since she don't understand much about technologies anyway.
I don't deny that I am kind of hooked too.
After I started playing this new game which I am almost on regularly throughout the day for the past few days, I realised what I was doing and I stopped.
No way am I going to play this game because there is some time thingy and I am logging just to receive more benefits on the game, since those benefits are virtual..
Unless I get real cash if I logged on, or else NO WAY am I gonna let a game dictate how I spend my time.
So, I am gonna stop with it now.
I realised how much time I am spending on social media too.
I think my phone has got to leave me for a while.
I gotta learn to be a little bit more independent.
I shall spend more time on other things, like baking, cooking, studying.
I would love to go out soon too, to go shopping, and eating, but it costs a whole lot more money in comparison hahaha.
and I am not earning anything now so I guess it would be wise for me to try and control for a bit.
My mum talked about how it would be great when I start working and help out in the finances.
I would love that too, and that's why I have always wanted to go out there to work.
Somehow, I have defined working = living.
and that's probably why I have been finding my life mundane and boring.
But I guess that's my problem too.
I am the one letting my own life settle to this really slow pace.
I need to pick myself up a little bit more instead of just sitting around, like how I am doing now.
Heh. I shall go to bed now, and wake up tml trying to change myself a little bit more :)
Goodnight world.
I am not excluding myself, because in this tech-savvy world, where information has to be obtained in a click, I am, too, caught up in this whirlwind of what we call, technology.
There is this so-called transparency which lured us in.
We think that we know the true selves of people as we look at their profiles on Social Medias.
We think that we know everything, reading and believing every single online article post by human beings who are just like ourselves.
I mean, I understand that there are times when we just resonate with what others feel and say, but not everything, is right.
What I am really trying to say is, hold your own stand, instead of being so quick in believing in others' philosophies.
Is this world making us more individualistic, or more homogenous?
We are basically living almost the exact same lives.
I mean we share our lives, across Social Medias, and we look at things that we can't reach through others' eyes.
and THAT is their perspective, not yours.
I never doubted in the human touch, which I, to be honest, have been lacking recently.
I have been really out of touch.
I was just basically absorbed in myself, and I just look at how my friends are doing through Social Medias.
But is that right?
is that really right?
I tried changing these few days. I tried helping out with the grocery shopping today.
I discussed with my mum about the dinner that she is gonna make today.
I then realised that it has been long since I last talked?
I mean properly talked?
I don't know, maybe I have been so absorbed in myself that there is nothing happening in my life right now, that I don't know what to say anymore, since there is no event which I can talk about.
Nothing happening except more technologies, which includes social media, online games, blogs, vlogs, and many more.
Why the hell am I being so concerned about strangers' lives when there are so many more people AROUND me that I should be caring for.
I talked to my mum a little about her mum, who passed on recently.
It felt kind of good.
I talked to my dad ytd too, showing him a new way of eating bananas which I saw on the Internet (yes, again) and then he talked about his old kampong life which I asked a little about it.
I love my parents, despite how annoyed they make me sometimes, but I guess I should be the one who should be a little more patient.
I will change.
The quarrels in my house, definitely not the best thing to happen.
I hate the arguments so much so that I often join in as an attempt to stop it.
Yes I know, worst decision ever made.
Tonight, I stood out of it.
I was getting pissed at the attitude and tones of voice, but I held my tongue.
I told myself to just stay calm, face the fact that I am angry, and just let go.
Yup a trick I kind of mastered in 'Tuesdays with Morrie' but never exactly used it much.
I look at my sisters.
The youngest one, forever on her phone.
I guess I was wrong in encouraging my parents to get her a phone w data plan.
It just made her hooked on.
I mean, she sacrifices her sleep just to talk to her friends, and then procrastinate on bathing until the wee hours, like until 4-5am until she decides she will not bathe and just go to sleep straight.
Yea I am NOT kidding.
The other sister, perhaps she is a little bit better in this way?
But she, too, places much importance in her friends.
I mean, I used to be like this too, back when I was 17?
The time when I just entered poly and was really deprived of friends because of what happened to me in my secondary school life.
But I soon got all better.
But somehow, it's different now.
I thought with two funerals held in the past one year, having two losses in our family, they'd wake up, just a little, about how family can be the most important sometimes.
Even my dad is addicted to technologies.
I guess only my mum is the only one who is not hooked, since she don't understand much about technologies anyway.
I don't deny that I am kind of hooked too.
After I started playing this new game which I am almost on regularly throughout the day for the past few days, I realised what I was doing and I stopped.
No way am I going to play this game because there is some time thingy and I am logging just to receive more benefits on the game, since those benefits are virtual..
Unless I get real cash if I logged on, or else NO WAY am I gonna let a game dictate how I spend my time.
So, I am gonna stop with it now.
I realised how much time I am spending on social media too.
I think my phone has got to leave me for a while.
I gotta learn to be a little bit more independent.
I shall spend more time on other things, like baking, cooking, studying.
I would love to go out soon too, to go shopping, and eating, but it costs a whole lot more money in comparison hahaha.
and I am not earning anything now so I guess it would be wise for me to try and control for a bit.
My mum talked about how it would be great when I start working and help out in the finances.
I would love that too, and that's why I have always wanted to go out there to work.
Somehow, I have defined working = living.
and that's probably why I have been finding my life mundane and boring.
But I guess that's my problem too.
I am the one letting my own life settle to this really slow pace.
I need to pick myself up a little bit more instead of just sitting around, like how I am doing now.
Heh. I shall go to bed now, and wake up tml trying to change myself a little bit more :)
Goodnight world.
Thursday, November 21, 2013
emphathise over sympathise.
I realised why I dislike certain people the way I do, when I found out that I grouped them under the same category other than the people-I-dislike-but-dont-exactly-hate category.
These people somehow give out this negative vibe, at least to me they are this way.
It's not the 'prickly' kind of people where it's hard to get near though I doubt I like this kind of people very much anyway.
But it is the kind of people who are 'holey' instead of 'prickly'.
You get what I mean?
I mean instead of being 'prickly', they are like just there getting pricked and poked and then they have lots of holes there but they instead of filling those holez up they kind of just either pity themselves for being so 'sad' or apologise to the people who pricked them.
Say whaaaaat?
Yes it's retarded this way isn't it?
Erm should I call them having too much self-pity or being too sensitive? Over sensitive yes.
Towards how others see and look at them.
I mean if you are over sensitive about how I have hurt you or pissed you off then I'm honestly fine w that.
But if you are over sensitive about how I feel when you pissing me off then that's a whole new thing.
Oh and self-pity is one of the worst attribute anyone could have.
Idk if self pity equates to low self esteem or confidence but I do have times when I have the latter but I dun rmb if I have actually pitied myself before.
I do scold myself, but mostly to make myself stand up again.
Self-pity, in my opinion, gives off the worst negative vibe everrr.
Nobody likes negative people because of their negative vibe.
And that's what pity does. Even towards others.
Empathise over sympathise.
Mm hmm.
These people somehow give out this negative vibe, at least to me they are this way.
It's not the 'prickly' kind of people where it's hard to get near though I doubt I like this kind of people very much anyway.
But it is the kind of people who are 'holey' instead of 'prickly'.
You get what I mean?
I mean instead of being 'prickly', they are like just there getting pricked and poked and then they have lots of holes there but they instead of filling those holez up they kind of just either pity themselves for being so 'sad' or apologise to the people who pricked them.
Say whaaaaat?
Yes it's retarded this way isn't it?
Erm should I call them having too much self-pity or being too sensitive? Over sensitive yes.
Towards how others see and look at them.
I mean if you are over sensitive about how I have hurt you or pissed you off then I'm honestly fine w that.
But if you are over sensitive about how I feel when you pissing me off then that's a whole new thing.
Oh and self-pity is one of the worst attribute anyone could have.
Idk if self pity equates to low self esteem or confidence but I do have times when I have the latter but I dun rmb if I have actually pitied myself before.
I do scold myself, but mostly to make myself stand up again.
Self-pity, in my opinion, gives off the worst negative vibe everrr.
Nobody likes negative people because of their negative vibe.
And that's what pity does. Even towards others.
Empathise over sympathise.
Mm hmm.
Wednesday, November 20, 2013
A NEW LIFE?
okay, so I am gonna try to start living a generally healthier life, changing some of my habits bit by bit.
this means a more balanced diet and exercises incorporated into my daily life.
i know very well that my health isn't exactly at its peak and i'm still doing well because i am still young yeah!
but i guess i should stop abusing my body anymore.
:(
those who know why i am trying to change will know LOL.
yes i am obsessed over that test now.
and hopefully that this resolution of mine will finally last.
discipline discipline come to meeeee!
this means a more balanced diet and exercises incorporated into my daily life.
i know very well that my health isn't exactly at its peak and i'm still doing well because i am still young yeah!
but i guess i should stop abusing my body anymore.
:(
those who know why i am trying to change will know LOL.
yes i am obsessed over that test now.
and hopefully that this resolution of mine will finally last.
discipline discipline come to meeeee!
Sunday, October 27, 2013
i should stop trying so hard.
i should really stop trying so hard to:
- please others.
- define myself and who i am.
- plan my life.
- try to control my life and everything that happens around me.
- not being unhappy or miserable.
- make others go my way.
- fight against everything that i hate.
- dread all the unhappiness that might or might not happen to me.
i should probably just go with the flow.
stay happy and contented and then good things will just happen.
make every moment count.
and blog more.
i really love how blogging sorts out my thoughts.
and i should probably write more in my organizer.
keke.
despite my fats, i feel a lot lighter these days.
all i need to do is to be carefree and worry-free lalala~
dance about and i only need to worry about what should i have for my next meal :D
Wednesday, October 23, 2013
physical touch.
I love physical touches.
I love leaning on my friends' shoulders and hooking their arms.
In the five love languages, physical touch ranks the highest in my list if I didn't remember it wrongly.
Yes there is a test for it and I did it before and posted the results here too hahaha.
And I'm so v glad that we are holding hands a lot more often now.
We are like holding hands almost all the time and it's so very very very comforting somehow.
Altho partly it means that you have no hands for your phone hahahaha okay just kidding but I actually half mean it but I mostly focus on the fact that we are just holding and playing w each other's hands/fingers.
There is just this familiarity that is unspoken and there is this chemistry between us where no words are exchanged but yet we said everything.
Or it might be the romantic side of me coming out trying to give meanings to every little action hahaha.
Result of too much dramas~
Just grateful about friends family and tay these two days since it's the two days when I managed to spend time w all 3.
I am loved and so are you. ♡
I love leaning on my friends' shoulders and hooking their arms.
In the five love languages, physical touch ranks the highest in my list if I didn't remember it wrongly.
Yes there is a test for it and I did it before and posted the results here too hahaha.
And I'm so v glad that we are holding hands a lot more often now.
We are like holding hands almost all the time and it's so very very very comforting somehow.
Altho partly it means that you have no hands for your phone hahahaha okay just kidding but I actually half mean it but I mostly focus on the fact that we are just holding and playing w each other's hands/fingers.
There is just this familiarity that is unspoken and there is this chemistry between us where no words are exchanged but yet we said everything.
Or it might be the romantic side of me coming out trying to give meanings to every little action hahaha.
Result of too much dramas~
Just grateful about friends family and tay these two days since it's the two days when I managed to spend time w all 3.
I am loved and so are you. ♡
Tuesday, October 22, 2013
exhaustion.
And I dont even know where this exhaustion I am feeling comes from.
Maybe it's cause I'm not focusing on anything at all?
There is just so much things going through my mind at any one time that it seems to be flipping faster than a flipbook.
I have so many thoughts unsorted out because I myself am confused.
This is probably the main reason why I am so fickle minded and indecisive, for I can change my mind in a blink.
I can't really concentrate and I guess wanting to achieve a lot of things at one go isn't that possible afterall.
I should just take it slow and relax and be confident about life.
But I'm finding myself compartmentalizing such that I can separate my emotions from me.
I'm starting to look at my emotions from a third party pov and trying to find a rational reason why I feel the way I do.
I know it's dumb because there is nothing rational about feelings but I guess I am just trying to justify the actions caused.
I always forgot that thinking is not enough. I need actions.
I shouldn't be waiting around waiting for a RIGHT time to do something.
I will nv know when is the right moment ever coming.
I need to act act act.
Do something to change this.
It's all in my hands.
Sunday, October 13, 2013
some personal touch.
it's been REALLY long since i last had a proper phone call.
by 'proper' i mean a htht over phone.
and i'd like to thank the lovely adeline toh who reminded me how nice it is to have a long chat once in a while.
it seems like a break from all the greetings through social media.
plain text can never replace real human voice.
a voice with tones and shrieks and exclamation and highs and lows.
:') grateful.
by 'proper' i mean a htht over phone.
and i'd like to thank the lovely adeline toh who reminded me how nice it is to have a long chat once in a while.
it seems like a break from all the greetings through social media.
plain text can never replace real human voice.
a voice with tones and shrieks and exclamation and highs and lows.
:') grateful.
The glass of water.
i saw this text on twitter and could instantly relate to it,
i do absolutely nothing for the whole day and feel exhausted somehow.
yes, i have been thinking a lot, and i din even realize the stress i am giving myself through all these worries about life.
i kept telling myself to not think too much into the future so far ahead, but yet i can't help myself.
now, i suppose i should put that glass now.
i should let go of these worries and stresses.
i should not let them dictate my life.
i can do better than that, i am better than that.
leap of faith is what i need to do now.
all i can do now is to trust in myself and the decisions i make.
i will will myself to be so much happier.
A psychologist walked around a room while teaching stress management to an audience. As she raised a glass of water, everyone expected they'd be asked the 'half empty or half full' question. Instead, with a smile on her face, she inquired: 'How heavy is this glass of water?'
Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.
She replied, 'The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my arm. If I hold it for a day, my arm will feel numb and paralyzed. In each case, the weight of the glass doesn't change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.'
She continued, 'The stresses and worries in life are like that glass of water. Think about them for a while and nothing happens. Think about them a bit longer and they begin to hurt. And if you think about them all day long, you will feel paralyzed - incapable of doing anything.'
Remember to put the glass down.recently, all i wanna do is to laze and mope around.
i do absolutely nothing for the whole day and feel exhausted somehow.
yes, i have been thinking a lot, and i din even realize the stress i am giving myself through all these worries about life.
i kept telling myself to not think too much into the future so far ahead, but yet i can't help myself.
now, i suppose i should put that glass now.
i should let go of these worries and stresses.
i should not let them dictate my life.
i can do better than that, i am better than that.
leap of faith is what i need to do now.
all i can do now is to trust in myself and the decisions i make.
i will will myself to be so much happier.
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