rushing out my assignment right now,

so i really shouldn't be here..
did my assignment halfway when i realised that i am on the wrong page and had to restart..
okay can...
it's just one qns and in exams, i'm required to finish one qns in like 45mins but now i've spent hours just trying to finish it...
oh well..
argh.

V.O.S's You're Just In A Higher Place

this vid seems long but i made it start at the performance so no worries as you hit that play button.
i wanted this subbed version because the lyrics simply described how I felt this past whole year, even tho I am still crying.. and I just couldn't find any other subbed vid of this :/
their voices which touched me together with the lyrics is just.. indescribable..
My dearests, you're just in a  higher place than me, and I do look up at the sky alot now, believing that you are here with me, just as the lyrics said.
I know that I can't see you again, I know that it was your last breath, but I'm still wandering around looking for you, you're not here anymore..
I know I am just repeating the lyrics.. but it just touched so close to home..
The only difference is that I am still crying, and I'll wait for the day that I stop crying and stop feeling sad..
I want to feel happy for I can smile beautifully for you in our next lives when we find each other..

Technology.

I was coming up here, planning to talk about how Social Media has detached us, but I held that thought, because no, it's not just Social Media, it's Technology.
I am not excluding myself, because in this tech-savvy world, where information has to be obtained in a click, I am, too, caught up in this whirlwind of what we call, technology.
There is this so-called transparency which lured us in.
We think that we know the true selves of people as we look at their profiles on Social Medias.
We think that we know everything, reading and believing every single online article post by human beings who are just like ourselves.
I mean, I understand that there are times when we just resonate with what others feel and say, but not everything, is right.
What I am really trying to say is, hold your own stand, instead of being so quick in believing in others' philosophies.
Is this world making us more individualistic, or more homogenous?
We are basically living almost the exact same lives.
I mean we share our lives, across Social Medias, and we look at things that we can't reach through others' eyes.
and THAT is their perspective, not yours.
I never doubted in the human touch, which I, to be honest, have been lacking recently.
I have been really out of touch.
I was just basically absorbed in myself, and I just look at how my friends are doing through Social Medias.
But is that right?
is that really right?
I tried changing these few days. I tried helping out with the grocery shopping today.
I discussed with my mum about the dinner that she is gonna make today.
I then realised that it has been long since I last talked?
I mean properly talked?
I don't know, maybe I have been so absorbed in myself that there is nothing happening in my life right now, that I don't know what to say anymore, since there is no event which I can talk about.
Nothing happening except more technologies, which includes social media, online games, blogs, vlogs, and many more.
Why the hell am I being so concerned about strangers' lives when there are so many more people AROUND me that I should be caring for.
I talked to my mum a little about her mum, who passed on recently.
It felt kind of good.
I talked to my dad ytd too, showing him a new way of eating bananas which I saw on the Internet (yes, again) and then he talked about his old kampong life which I asked a little about it.
I love my parents, despite how annoyed they make me sometimes, but I guess I should be the one who should be a little more patient.
I will change.
The quarrels in my house, definitely not the best thing to happen.
I hate the arguments so much so that I often join in as an attempt to stop it.
Yes I know, worst decision ever made.
Tonight, I stood out of it.
I was getting pissed at the attitude and tones of voice, but I held my tongue.
I told myself to just stay calm, face the fact that I am angry, and just let go.
Yup a trick I kind of mastered in 'Tuesdays with Morrie' but never exactly used it much.
I look at my sisters.
The youngest one, forever on her phone.
I guess I was wrong in encouraging my parents to get her a phone w data plan.
It just made her hooked on.
I mean, she sacrifices her sleep just to talk to her friends, and then procrastinate on bathing until the wee hours, like until 4-5am until she decides she will not bathe and just go to sleep straight.
Yea I am NOT kidding.
The other sister, perhaps she is a little bit better in this way?
But she, too, places much importance in her friends.
I mean, I used to be like this too, back when I was 17?
The time when I just entered poly and was really deprived of friends because of what happened to me in my secondary school life.
But I soon got all better.
But somehow, it's different now.
I thought with two funerals held in the past one year, having two losses in our family, they'd wake up, just a little, about how family can be the most important sometimes.
Even my dad is addicted to technologies.
I guess only my mum is the only one who is not hooked, since she don't understand much about technologies anyway.
I don't deny that I am kind of hooked too.
After I started playing this new game which I am almost on regularly throughout the day for the past few days, I realised what I was doing and I stopped.
No way am I going to play this game because there is some time thingy and I am logging just to receive more benefits on the game, since those benefits are virtual..
Unless I get real cash if I logged on, or else NO WAY am I gonna let a game dictate how I spend my time.
So, I am gonna stop with it now.
I realised how much time I am spending on social media too.
I think my phone has got to leave me for a while.
I gotta learn to be a little bit more independent.
I shall spend more time on other things, like baking, cooking, studying.
I would love to go out soon too, to go shopping, and eating, but it costs a whole lot more money in comparison hahaha.
and I am not earning anything now so I guess it would be wise for me to try and control for a bit.
My mum talked about how it would be great when I start working and help out in the finances.
I would love that too, and that's why I have always wanted to go out there to work.
Somehow, I have defined working = living.
and that's probably why I have been finding my life mundane and boring.
But I guess that's my problem too.
I am the one letting my own life settle to this really slow pace.
I need to pick myself up a little bit more instead of just sitting around, like how I am doing now.
Heh. I shall go to bed now, and wake up tml trying to change myself a little bit more :)
Goodnight world.

emphathise over sympathise.

I realised why I dislike certain people the way I do, when I found out that I grouped them under the same category other than the people-I-dislike-but-dont-exactly-hate category.
These people somehow give out this negative vibe, at least to me they are this way.
It's not the 'prickly' kind of people where it's hard to get near though I doubt I like this kind of people very much anyway.
But it is the kind of people who are 'holey' instead of 'prickly'.
You get what I mean?
I mean instead of being 'prickly', they are like just there getting pricked and poked and then they have lots of holes there but they instead of filling those holez up they kind of just either pity themselves for being so 'sad' or apologise to the people who pricked them.
Say whaaaaat?
Yes it's retarded this way isn't it?
Erm should I call them having too much self-pity or being too sensitive? Over sensitive yes.
Towards how others see and look at them.
I mean if you are over sensitive about how I have hurt you or pissed you off then I'm honestly fine w that.
But if you are over sensitive about how I feel when you pissing me off then that's a whole new thing.
Oh and self-pity is one of the worst attribute anyone could have.
Idk if self pity equates to low self esteem or confidence but I do have times when I have the latter but I dun rmb if I have actually pitied myself before.
I do scold myself, but mostly to make myself stand up again.
Self-pity, in my opinion, gives off the worst negative vibe everrr.
Nobody likes negative people because of their negative vibe.
And that's what pity does. Even towards others.
Empathise over sympathise.
Mm hmm.

A NEW LIFE?

okay, so I am gonna try to start living a generally healthier life, changing some of my habits bit by bit.
this means a more balanced diet and exercises incorporated into my daily life.
i know very well that my health isn't exactly at its peak and i'm still doing well because i am still young yeah!
but i guess i should stop abusing my body anymore.
:(
those who know why i am trying to change will know LOL.
yes i am obsessed over that test now.
and hopefully that this resolution of mine will finally last.
discipline discipline come to meeeee!

i should stop trying so hard.

i should really stop trying so hard to:

• please others.
• define myself and who i am.
• plan my life.
• try to control my life and everything that happens around me.
• not being unhappy or miserable.
• make others go my way.
• fight against everything that i hate.
• dread all the unhappiness that might or might not happen to me.

i should probably just go with the flow.

stay happy and contented and then good things will just happen.

make every moment count.

and blog more.

i really love how blogging sorts out my thoughts.

and i should probably write more in my organizer.

keke.

despite my fats, i feel a lot lighter these days.

all i need to do is to be carefree and worry-free lalala~

dance about and i only need to worry about what should i have for my next meal :D

physical touch.

I love physical touches.
I love leaning on my friends' shoulders and hooking their arms.
In the five love languages, physical touch ranks the highest in my list if I didn't remember it wrongly.
Yes there is a test for it and I did it before and posted the results here too hahaha.
And I'm so v glad that we are holding hands a lot more often now.
We are like holding hands almost all the time and it's so very very very comforting somehow.
Altho partly it means that you have no hands for your phone hahahaha okay just kidding but I actually half mean it but I mostly focus on the fact that we are just holding and playing w each other's hands/fingers.
There is just this familiarity that is unspoken and there is this chemistry between us where no words are exchanged but yet we said everything.
Or it might be the romantic side of me coming out trying to give meanings to every little action hahaha.
Result of too much dramas~
Just grateful about friends family and tay these two days since it's the two days when I managed to spend time w all 3.
I am loved and so are you. ♡

exhaustion.

And I dont even know where this exhaustion I am feeling comes from.

Maybe it's cause I'm not focusing on anything at all?

There is just so much things going through my mind at any one time that it seems to be flipping faster than a flipbook.

I have so many thoughts unsorted out because I myself am confused. 

This is probably the main reason why I am so fickle minded and indecisive, for I can change my mind in a blink.

I can't really concentrate and I guess wanting to achieve a lot of things at one go isn't that possible afterall.

I should just take it slow and relax and be confident about life.

But I'm finding myself compartmentalizing such that I can separate my emotions from me.

I'm starting to look at my emotions from a third party pov and trying to find a rational reason why I feel the way I do.

I know it's dumb because there is nothing rational about feelings but I guess I am just trying to justify the actions caused.

I always forgot that thinking is not enough. I need actions. 

I shouldn't be waiting around waiting for a RIGHT time to do something.

I will nv know when is the right moment ever coming.

I need to act act act.

Do something to change this.

It's all in my hands.

some personal touch.

it's been REALLY long since i last had a proper phone call.
by 'proper' i mean a htht over phone.
and i'd like to thank the lovely adeline toh who reminded me how nice it is to have a long chat once in a while.
it seems like a break from all the greetings through social media.
plain text can never replace real human voice.
a voice with tones and shrieks and exclamation and highs and lows.
:') grateful.

The glass of water.

i saw this text on twitter and could instantly relate to it,

A psychologist walked around a room while teaching stress management to an audience. As she raised a glass of water, everyone expected they'd be asked the 'half empty or half full' question. Instead, with a smile on her face, she inquired: 'How heavy is this glass of water?'

Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.

She replied, 'The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my arm. If I hold it for a day, my arm will feel numb and paralyzed. In each case, the weight of the glass doesn't change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.'

She continued, 'The stresses and worries in life are like that glass of water. Think about them for a while and nothing happens. Think about them a bit longer and they begin to hurt. And if you think about them all day long, you will feel paralyzed - incapable of doing anything.' 

Remember to put the glass down.

recently, all i wanna do is to laze and mope around.
i do absolutely nothing for the whole day and feel exhausted somehow.
yes, i have been thinking a lot, and i din even realize the stress i am giving myself through all these worries about life.
i kept telling myself to not think too much into the future so far ahead, but yet i can't help myself.
now, i suppose i should put that glass now.
i should let go of these worries and stresses.
i should not let them dictate my life.
i can do better than that, i am better than that.
leap of faith is what i need to do now.
all i can do now is to trust in myself and the decisions i make.
i will will myself to be so much happier.

it will get better.

i promise everything will get better.
so don't worry.
it sucks to see so many negative posts.
smile more.
yes you already do. but even more.
laugh a whole lot more.
do so many silly things that makes you want to laugh at yourself.
so what?
just laugh.

fix it or break it?

back here again, emo-ing.
what's new.
tears are coming, flowing down again.
oh really?
i feel so tired on so many levels, that, i don't know where to begin.
i want to be a baby again.
with no memories, no emotions other than happy and sad.
but i guess this is life.
there is no restart button.
you can't just erase everything that is unhappy in your life.
imagine how empty that would be.
if you have to actually lose your memory.
sometimes i feel so tired about life, and then i try to express somewhere and then people come and talk to me about it.
don't get me wrong.
i'm really grateful for all the people who care.
and there's always this little but.
i would have to be strong.
because when i'm in a heap of misery, i'm just a pile of something, or maybe nothing.
we all live for others, we really do.
but when people hurt you, all you want to do is to hurt them back, ten times worse.
even if this is not the case for you, it's the case for me.
sometimes, it's not ten times worse, because emotional pain can never be comparable to physical ones.
you know when you are just so overwhelmed by it you can't even cry?
there is this detached feeling you feel.
like the real you is a step behind, staring at you facing all these things, or even scolding/beating up the person who did you wrong.
you feel so empty and filled with anger at the same time.
it's so weird how human beings are able to feel all these.
it's like how my tummy is growling out of hunger now but at the same time i have no appetite for anyth at all.
using physical pain to cover up for emotional pain is stupid i know.
and i guess i'd just have to find a way to vent it out somehow.
if i shouldn't punch myself, then can i punch others?
a punching bag.
oh i suppose i should go learn some muay thai?
so i can punch and kick the hell out of something/someone.
and then nobody would judge me for being violent.
or maybe i should look for smthing to do which makes me happy?
like dancing and prancing around like a mad woman while singing loudly (and horribly) without caring about pitch or whatsoever.
you know how taylor swift prance around like a madwoman in her mv 'you belong with me'?
my sis once said it's like how i dance at home sometimes.
and i haven done that silly childish thing for a long time.
i should probably do it again.

I'm a cheat.

had this random chat with tay while sitting around and waiting for our movie time tonight (or technically last night).
i think it has been really long since we last had a real talk.
i was telling him about how i have been feeling like all i do now is to survive, instead of living.
a better phrase in chinese is 得过且过.
and i feel like i have been cheating life, or rather myself.
i have been subconsciously telling myself that if i don't see it, time doesn't pass.
but it does.
it's almost the end of 2013 and i am not proud of myself so far at all.
all the big words i said at the start of this year, i doubt i have even achieved even 10% of them.
i have been just going around with the motions of life.
and i can't seem to discipline myself, or this is probably just an excuse again.
i love finding excuses for myself, one big fault of mine.
i need to fix myself.
but i won't and then time will pass again.
i don't even know what i am afraid of.
i just keep waiting for the time when i will miraculously be able to do everything and know everything, instead of learning or trying it out NOW.
NOW is the word.
do it NOW.
there is no better time than NOW.
but yet i just want to lie and mope around and do absolutely nothing at all.
oh great.
it starts tomorrow.
that's what i tell myself everyday.
fts it's 2am i can only start tml.
argh stop procrastinating.
okay goodbye.

stuck, forever.

have you ever touched your face after tearing/crying?
do you feel that same stickiness i did on your face where tears has rolled down?
these tears seem to be the underlying feelings or emotions you have for a certain person.
even if the cause is a drama, it meant that you are able to relate due to a specific someone.
and the sticky aftereffect seems to be telling you how you will be stuck to that person, forever.
the feelings you have felt will never go away, since it already happened.
and the memories you share w that someone will always be there.
memories are the most most most precious belonging anyone could have.
and this is probably why i fear dying, because i fear that i would forget all these memories that i have now, if i were to reincarnate aft i die.
i would never want to forget anything.
and i am trying my best to note them down as i go along in my life.
it is really important to me.
and to you, i will always remember you.
there are so much memories we share that it seems to be overflowing.
i promise that i will forever treasure these memories, as proof that you were alive, with us.
it still hurts that you are no longer here to create more memories, and be prepared to receive scoldings from me when i see you next time.
i miss your voice and your smell and your touch.
i still remember how i dare not touch you when i first saw you in that state.
i guess i was afraid of that cold touch where i would have to admit that fact.
up till now, honestly, i still want to run from that reality.
but i will learn to live with it.
i will be able to do so, but that doesn't mean you will be forgotten.
i love you, forever and always.

I absolutely hate being disappointed.
This is why I hate changing of plans.
You dun even know how much I have been looking forward to it till you push me down the cliff into the valley of disappointments.
And as I free fall I desperately reach out but you dun grab me, because you din even realise it.
And when I scream, you look at me like I'm unreasonable.
It's not good to be over-sensitive, but it's not good to be under-sensitive too.
You din even realise how many times you have done it, and all the while I was just waiting for you to feel apologetic and tell me that you wun fly me another kite no more.
Yes this is considered as that.
Making plans aft you've agreed w me is not cool at all yo.
You just seem to see past my black face and only hear me saying 'okay?'.
I'm not agreeing w you, I'm asking you if you are sure you are doing this to me.
Or are you just too busy playing games or replying whatsapp on your phone that you dun see me anymore?
Where is the person who complained about me being on my phone too much?
I have actually cultivated the habit of keeping my phone in my bag most of the times when I'm w you.
Smartphone and technology has deprived us of so much personal touch and feelings that we are starting to think that we have none.
I really miss the past where ppl interact irl more.
I do appreciate a call every now and then.
Nothing else but just talking and laughing.
Complaining whining reassuring listening comforting stupid lame jokes what's that noise over there what's that sound goodnight I'm getting tired why dun you wait for me to hang up first.
It seemed better when you were in europe. At least we treasured every phone call we could have. Every audio clip every picture every video.
You may think this is a complaint but im just trying to be heard, testing if there's any chance I'm louder than your dota and diablo.

i have not been updating my life much.
well, there is nothing much to update.
i dun feel alive most of the times.
just going through the motions.
there is this growing resentment in me that i have ignored but eventually (now) i have to admit its existence.
i want to fight somebody so bad.
i want something so negative to happen to me so i have a legit reason to cry all day and night.
i want to just keep crying.
where has the cheerful jiale gone to once again?
i recognise that this is a gradual change.
there was a buildup, but i pretended it wasn't there.
and now that it is so great in me that i couldn't pretend anymore.
i feel so hateful towards this world, which don't seem to listen, and cooped up in their own individual greeds and demands.
i want to scream at people, for not being kind enough for not being gracious enough.
but then again, i should probably look at myself.
i'm not that great either.
and then i want to scream at myself.
i want to scream at everybody else.
i want to scream at the sea at the road in the mrt in the bus.
i want to push everyone away and jump into the sea.
i want to submerge into the water and dissolve into bubbles and melt away.
i want to become the wind, blowing past people.
i want to become the sun, shining so bright.
i want to become nature, all because i don't want to think no more.
all the fighting over every single scarce resources in this selfish world.
i don't want to plan my life, i want to live my life.
but there is this stupid structure in which if we don't follow, we will die.
or is this just a myth?
i hate everybody i hate you.
i hate all that go against me because yes i'm always right.
i am an extremely self-centred person.
well, admit it, most people would think they are always right.
when you point at my nose and call me wrong because of your own pov, isn't it because you think your pov is more 'right' than mine?
i want to punch somebody so hard in the nose that i yell in pain.
so hard that my knuckles feel that they are breaking.
i don't want to do what is socially right or politically right.
i don't want to do something i dislike in order to do something i like in the future.
i don't believe in this compensation shit.
i want my own space my own place.
i'm reaching my limits soon.
i'm no longer telling people how i really feel now.
is this part of maturing/growing up?
if so, i can tell why everyone doesn't want to grow up.
if not, then i suppose i need a cure somewhere somehow.
i hate people who tell me this and then do another thing the next moment.
i hate you now, for lying to me and then making a promise to somebody else.
don't bullshit me with your talk.
it's not going to work.
i hate you.
so fucking much.
yes right now.
you fucking suck.
it's not the first time this happened.
i'm at my limits.
it doesn't matter how much you tolerated me for all my fucked up attitude.
because they are not the same.
i said i don't believe in this compensation shit.

everyone lives in the same way;

All of us feel afraid, scared, lost, sad, miserable, uneasy, worried, unsure, happy, exhilarated, excited, contented, hopeful, etc etc.
It's just that the amount of each may differ for each person.
But knowing that everyone feels the same way makes you less lonely somehow, right?
We all live the same way, it's just how we keep ourselves alive.
This seems like a big dream but I want to reach out to the highest number of people possible and inject them the greatest positive energy and feelings.
Idk how I'll be going about doing this but I'm sure I'll achieve it somehow.
Now hwaiting for the baby steps!

time is ticking,

and days are passing by one by one.
something is missing.
is my soul there?
am i living the life or just going through this routine?
i want to learn something, but yet i can't get my butt down to do it.
i should be studying for a bit, but i can't stop my fingers from typing into my phone and mac.
and i'm not even exactly looking for anything.
all i am doing is to refresh twitter, refresh instag, type nonsense into the address bar.
i don't even know what i am doing.
i am just passing through the motions, putting absolutely no thoughts into my actions.
i kept thinking of the future, of what it might bring me.
is that wrong?
should i start thinking about the present instead?
for every present moment is the future moment of the moment that only just passed.
i should start sitting down and do up a plan eh?
so that i would have no excuse for myself to procrastinate and getting distracted by erm.. nothing at all.
getting so very sick by social media.
the one that i use the most is instagram.
probably because i like the idea of looking at beautiful pictures and each picture do speak a thousand words, albeit the crazily long captions and the hashtags that makes my eyes go #_#
STTTTTOOOOP.
i just want to look at beautiful things and i probably should unfollow 'friends' which make me ponder whether i should like their photo for the sake of liking or proof that 'yea we are friends'....
i need to stop wrapping myself and just sitting around waiting for something to happen.
i should be the one MAKING something happen.
i have to START doing something, but as they always say, the start is always the toughest.
the first baby step is always full of fear.
okay jiale, what fear is there?
when you start to fear, you lose.
and you like being the daredevil so don't be fearful.
i am gonna do it.
i am gonna try out whatever i want to try.
i am gonna show you, show the world what i can be, what you can be, what we can be.
i need to give more, to the people around me.
i need to show how much they mean to me.
i need to try harder.
i need to not just type and actually do it.
i probably need a reminder, i need your help.
to remind me, by showing me how much you care, and in return i will show you mine too.
okay all these are getting nonsensical but i hope you understand.
thank you so much, for you.

I have been scolding vulgarities more and more often, more so than I'd like.
People says that scolding vulgarities means that ons is a v honest person, but I guess this isn't the case for me.
The louder I scold, the harder I want me to be heard.
The more I scold, the more I wish things would change.
The restrictions of this world ain't gonna bind me.

I need to sleep earlier.

Becoming more and more unwilling to sleep at night.
Idk what's wrong?
Am I so afraid of the end of the day?
It's not even insomnia.
Okay can.
Now still come type blog post.
I should really sleep.
Goodnight.