Dialogue in the Dark

this is a really interesting experience i had during WISP lesson today.

at the start, i was really afraid. like seriously.

when i told mrtay that i went for DiD, he immediately said that i confirm screamed inside.

okay yes i did HAHA and i was so afraid that i started shivering all over and my knees were all wobbly and i teared for a bit.

tried my best to close my eyes and my eyelids kept shivering omgggg.

okay shall not say what happened cause you are supposed to experience yourself but all i can say that it's quite cool. :D

was talking to mrtay about my experience and his experience.

agreed that we both felt much much fortunate about how we are now, that we can see, have a roof over heads, and have food to eat.

and he said something that made me think.

humans are forever greedy. no matter how fortunate you think you are, there are always people who are more fortunate than you, just like how there are always people who are less fortunate than you.

true true.

this is just human nature i guess.

it takes a million years to convince you to trust in something positive, and yet a second for you to change your mind and believe in something negative.

sigh i have still much to learn about life. too much to learn.

relationships are like brick walls.

At least to me that is.

Building up a r/s is like building brick walls. It takes both parties to make sure that the brick wall dun fall from either side as you keep building.

Not just talking abt romantic r/s but all kinds of r/s, even kinship.


A r/s brick wall has two colours. One colour represents the bricks placed by one party.

I'm the kind of person who both gets close to someone and moves on really quickly. And i have no idea whether it is good or bad.

So when building a r/s with someone, you can see the bricks forming the foundations are mostly mine. Usually thats the case.

But as we grew apart, and you stop putting in bricks, i stopped as well. Selfish? Maybe. Afraid? Most probably.
I guess i am afraid that the brick wall will fall and hurt me just when i'm trying to put more bricks.

And instead of putting more bricks, i tend to take away the bricks and throw them away, one by one, slowly and quietly. Just to see if you will notice.

And if you noticed and start to put in the bricks to replace the ones i threw, you will realise that i would start putting as much bricks as i can carry.

If you don't notice, there will still be a few bricks left.
Just a few that i couldnt bear to take away.
A few that represents all the bits and pieces of memories that are faded and rough.


I am sorry that the cowardly me don't dare to put in any bricks when you are not doing so.
I am sorry that i don't dare to take the initiative of asking you to put some bricks to keep our r/s strong.

I only hope that you can see that even when i'm not putting any bricks that i will forever try and not let the bricks be unattended and someday hurt you.

I hope that you can see the daisies and roses and pretty plants that i am trying to plant on or around the wall to make it pretty and make you happy.

I hope that you know that i love you, as long as we have a brick wall tgthr, even if there is only a few of the bricks left, because to me, that few is still a brick wall, it still is.

why do i get the feeling that i am slowly losing myself?
it's like i'm afraid to walk a path of my own, that i often choose to walk the path of another.
why are my choices so easily influenced by others? regardless of consciously or subconsciously.

as i grow up, i become more and more afraid, instead of becoming braver.
i need strength, within me. yes, i need my own strength to stand up.
i see myself standing up to people, even strangers, when i used to be so afraid of speaking up.
is that strength in me awakening?

jiale ah jiale.
why are you like that?
i really dislike you being like that.
be braver to walk the path that you wanna walk in.
stop feeling awkward when you make a mistake.
just tell yourself, you are only human and this is alright.
take it with a pinch of salt and smile and move on.
do whatever you want.
i trust that you will make the right decisions and choices.
i trust that you are not going to let people down.
you know what you want.
you just have to go out there and try and achieve it.
you are slowly becoming the way you want to be right?
yes, good girl, be more confident.
smile more and you will look prettier.
you have always believed that looks dun come from the outside but inside right? :)
you are right.
have faith in yourself and believe in what you believe. :)
think of all the adorable people who love you and whom you love.
it's okay feeling awkward sometimes and don't know what to do.
it's just a passing feeling.
you will be a capable person in no time.
you are an adult now.
take responsibility of your actions and thinking.
worse comes to worst, you have me, yourself, to depend on.
i will not betray you even if the whole world lets you down.
i will stand by you even if the whole world opposes you.
you have me to count on, for the rest of your life.
you can do it.
what's more you are not alone.
look at mrtay, your family, your friends.
you are an awesome person.
you are gorgeous.
you are beautiful.
stay happy and optimistic.
i love you no matter how ugly you look or how much fats you gain. <3

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO SHAUN!!

WELCOME TO THE CLUB YO!
and it is not an awkward club. -_-
BUT HEHE STAY OPTIMISTIC AND KIND LIKE YOU ARE.
AND DUN BULLY ME ALR :D


btw today lee jia le is in an irritable mood. and i guess it's cause of the bad start in my morning. :(
sighhh but okay all is well all is well.


surprise plan fail. :( nvm i shall make sure it succeeds the next time! ^^


activated my fb again cause my itchy hands wanna stalk ppl HAHAHA.
and yayyy cause fb has always been the main medium between me and mrtay's chats HAHA.
i hope i can help you in any way i can. JIAYOU AH.
and i knew you will be jealous of jonghyun HEHEHE. i dun care you are jealous~~ ^^

HELLO LOVE

i know you are reading this and it's your last exams like just this thursday!

the last theory tests!! i know you can do it! ^^

JIAYOU JIAYOU OKAY (L)!!

you know i love you ^^ and just chiong for the last time okayy!!

must study hard horh and stop playing your DS or DOTA or whatever for just these few days okay! :D

if you pass, i treat you icecream okay! or buffet HAHA up to you to choose.

don't choose too expensive horh. you know i no money T^T

but i try my best okay. HAHAHA.

JIAYOU STUDYING HARD!! (L) YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU.....

just by a little bit. NAHH you know i mean the outside of the tiny bit. HEHE. ^^

I'M ALWAYS WITH YOU HOHO!! :D:D <33333

current favourite gif

this gif is of exploding cuteness that i need someone to hold me while i shake looking at him omgomgomgomg.

OMGOMGOMG CAN YOU SEE THE PERFECTION IN THIS GIF!? OMGOMGOMG WHY SO CUTE HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.




(mrtay dun be jealous i still love you the most ^^)




/EDITED
look which direction he wanna kiss. HEHE.

i have no idea why but my stomach really hurts so badly that even my hipbone is hurting. and i'm not even exaggerating. :(

today is such a tiring day i dunoe why.


i suppose i finished my resume during trmk tutorial just now so all i need to do now is to print.
yes i din listen in tutorial sigh i suck.

i'm not listening to bcomm right now too.
OKAY I LOVE BCOMM CAUSE OUR WED'S LESSON VENUE WILL BE CHANGED TO 730207 YAYYYY!!
why am i happy? because 73 is a new block WOOHOO TAKE THAT!! ^^

okay back to lessons. bye.

Hi i am a cute pikachu

i can't stop smiling. :')

TODAY IS PROJ DAY!

so basically a stay-at-home choing proj with groupmates day. HAHA.

was totally proud that my study room was able to fit all of us. ^^

though it was rather stuffy in the room. T^T

went over to bukit panjang for dinner with mrtay. ^^

gordon came to find him awhile and he got a white iphone 4 wahh totally prettyyyy!!

though its functions are basically the same but still chio ah chio. *-*

kind me accompanied him for a haircut and HAHAHA he looks like a little boy sitting there.

i always feel afraid when i see the auntie using the shaver cause it seems like it will cut him anytime, though it never did. heh.

anyway HAHA i have a joke to share.

we were walking to the bus stop when we passed by a neighbourhood police post and there is this sign:

HIM: i wanna be a policeman

ME: why?

HIM: because policemen have two girlfriends.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA CAN YOU UNDERSTAND? HAHAHAHA IT'S DAMN FUNNY HAHAHAHAHAHAHA.


and you have no idea how long i took to look for that logo. hahahaha. and btw it is a civil defence logo HOHO. ^^

nowadays i feel like i am strong enough to overcome everything, as long as i have the people i love and who love me with me. which is like all my friends and my family and my bf.
dun have to be physically with me. just mentally will do. and occasionally remind me that you love me? :)

i guess this is good. :)


and i feel like i'm losing weight in a healthy way. ^^
mrtay was pinching my fats and said it became lesser HAHA. okay good i'm becoming a healthy me!
need to exercise more though. keke.

okay time for bed. nights (L)

^^

okay take a look at the post below.

after i answered the qns, tay yin ji was like 'bangkok being the furthest place you have been to isn't smthing you should be proud of.'

-_- YAH!! WANNA DIE!?

okay back to friday night where i met my pri sch dears for dinner. ^^

jer excused himself to go and buy slippers while we head to yishun safra first for some pool.

and so, we waited for jer at the place and he appeared with a cake and they sang me a birthday song and made me open my mouth SUPER WIDE to eat the cake HAHA thank god the cake was small. hehe.

made mryna lam and shaun leong ate the cake too HEHE while jervis quak the idiot cameraman captured lots of unglam pics of us HAHAHA.

hehehe thanks for the belated birthday surprise people. <3<3

the friendship band that shaun made for all of us :')

and mine is so colourful since i like rainbows hehe. ^^

the birthday gift they gave me keke.

they each wrote a page of birthday wishes and i love myrna's the most. with us both on the top of the world and the other two being the emo kids HAHA. so cuteeee! ^^

the last page where they signed off but look at shaun writing '牙' instead of '乐' for the '生日快乐' AHAHA FAILLLLL!!

for yesterday, i wanted to surprise mrtay at bp before he woke up since he was feeling sick!!

but in the end he woke up before i stepped out of my house :( and he wanted to go out so i just met him at bp before heading to plaza sing for a movie. weehee.

WATCHED THOR WAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

bought auntie anne's and beef chili cheese fries and popcorns before heading into the theatre hehe im a happy girl~~

the guy who acted as Thor, Chris Hemsworth was unbelievably hot. *-* HAHAHA.

kept grabbing mrtay to make him look at him. and at the part where he was half-naked, totally *****-***** HAHAHAHAHA!!

natalie portman as chio as always *-* and woohoo i like the action parts which make me tensed up hehe and the graphics were great.

was kind of a little disappointed at the ending since we waited until after the credits thinking that there will be like something where thor and jane finally meets again but there wasnt.

but since there is a sequel, it is quite understandable. hahahahaha. awaiting for the Avengers!!!!! ^^

got back home for awhile as he went for his friend's mac birthday party at my hse downstairs.

HAHA this mac party was the 'reason' why i told clara that i wanted a mac birthday party jokingly and i got my wish. HAHA.

he came up after his party and we headed to his godmum aka his second aunt's hse for her granddaughter's one month old celebration. hahahaha.

since i was kind of an outsider, and though i was afraid at first, i attempted to play with a kid and though she listens to me talk, she refuses to reply me. :(

gave up in the end and just chatted with him and his dad. retarded kid can even mixed up his aunties and dun even know his cousins' names, let alone his nephews and nieces. HAHAHA.

okay maybe he DOES know a few of their names. just like a few.

at least he knows the parents of his cousins HAHAHA.

the catered food was quite nice. ^^ though i din eat much.

thanks to his parents for sending me home. :D

today some pig slept for like 14hours!?!? HAHAHAHA.

went to the new western stall at the coffeeshop near NTUC for lunch to try out their food. hmm mm.

i think astons is more worth it since their food is rather expensive for coffeeshop standards.

and look at poor me being scratched by qiqi. :(

hahaha okay we were just playing around.

today's weather is so hot argh :(:( feel like switching on the aircon.. :/

okay i should go back to do my schoolwork!!! bye people (L)

What's the furthest place you've ever traveled to?

BANGKOK :D

hello! what do you want to say?

my belated birthday

I love myrna lam, jervis quak, shaun leong for that little bday surprise they gave me. ^^ hehe.

Din meet mrtay today. Hope he gets well soon. :( rest well bb. <3

Planning to do smthing tml. Heh.
Okay update about tonight (or technically last night) soon!!

what a moody day

i have no idea why i am in a moody mood but i just am. :/

i think i have been quite critical of people nowadays and have sort of been amplifying their weaknesses. :(
i am such a bad person eh? :/


okay let's talk about some happy things now! ^^
yesterday i have finally submitted my bursary application forms!
WOOHOO! MONEY FASTER COME!! $.$

met limguowei and he made chong say hi to me HAHA okay thanks.
after sch ended, i accompanied guowei to submit his application forms HOHO i am such a good friend.

chitchatting at library's level 1.5 seats is so nice keke old friend yo!
and at least 15 GROUPS of freshies went down the stairs wanting to leave the library from the first floor HAHA we kept laughing but we stared at each other as we laughed so as to pretend we were laughing about our own conver HAHAHA!

reached home after about 1.5hours stuck on the road in a bus whose aircon is spoilt. :( suay ttm.

today's lessons are quite fun and i think i will start looking forward to thursday~~ ^^
supposedly meeting mrtay tonight but i was afraid that he was tired and he was afraid that i was tired and we din meet. aww you so sweet ah. ^^ hehe. /hugs




anyway i think our WISP tutor really has this charisma. he is able to make a joke out of almost everything, and yet make us see sense by the jokes that he make.

hmm. racism and discrimination is probably a really very big issue now. this issue has been occuring for centuries.
it's hard to change the world's discrimination, but perhaps it is possible to change the small singapore's perceptions about this.

just a small example, how many times have we assumed that kidnappers are indians?
remember how your mum used to say, 'dun anyhow run, later ahpu nehneh catch you ah!'

yeah we are all racists. in some way or another. or even sexists. or discriminate some kind of people somewhat.

i wanna be a kinder person.

i was trying to be a good girl

and do my STMO tutorial during the long break between 2pm to 4pm i have which is like now but staring at the intensive readings that i have to do, i feel like dying ohmygodddd.
it's like just one tutorial. :( okay i shall start it soon.

met lots of friends today unexpectedly yayyy. is this a good sign? :):)

the fan above me is being really irritating now.
it's like blowing directly at my eyes and making it super dry and sleepy now.
fan, you suckkkk.

perhaps i will blog lesser and lesser?
though i love my blog, my mundane life disallows me to have anything to blog.
NOOOOOOOOOO!! 

okay i shall see how things go.
bye people! ^^

okay well..

i have been a member of nuffnang since ages ago but i haven't been putting the ads on my blog but i just tot i would leave it there since it's blue and is thus compatible to my blog HAHA.

okay click it when you come to my blog kay. you know i love you. ^^

five more posts to the auspicious number

WHICH IS 888!! CAUSE IT WILL BE MY 888TH POST WAHAHAHAHAHA! ^^

actually i am not in a very happy/chirpy/talking mood right now but nvm forget it. i'm trying to cheer myself up. ^^


damn kiasu classmates make your life more sian. seriously.
sms the teacher just to chop the tutorial qns. do you need to be so kiasu!? -_-
and the teacher din even say to split but you just took matters in your own hands. argh.


i really need some time to nua at home.
i am dreaming of a day when i can nua on my bed, with the aircon on, me in my blanket hugging my bolster while watching the tv. HAHA.
yinji xian sheng you can replace my bolster if you want. keke.


think i need to start doing sit ups every night alr. and like start exercising more. jiayou me! ^^

a quick post

before i head to do my tutorials. :( sobs sobs.


went to suntec for jiejie's hope church service for easter.
hmm well, i can only say i can't very well comprehend their love for god and when they say to raise hand to embrace god, i couldn't very well do it cause i dun exactly feel them.

don't think i will ever become a christian anyway. :/ my character don't exactly allow me to. heh.

dinner at mrtay's and retarded me went to the wrong floor before getting back to the lift which was going down and when i reached level 1, guess who came into the lift? old mr tay with his second son. T.T (tay yin ji is his third and last son)

awkwardness as i tried to explain how come i am in the lift that is going down when i was going up. T.T diu lian ttm.

dinner and watched some tv before yinji papa sent him back to camp and me back home though i wanted to go home by myself. hehe thanks loads uncle!


okay back to work and tml is sort of my official first day of school since i dun think thur really counts. okay bye peeps! ^^

i dunoe why

but sdnly i just went back to read our conversation.
those that were well over a year ago.

i couldn't rmb what happened as i read.
it's like that person was me, but yet not me.

i see everytime we quarrel, how hard you try to pacify me.
and how petty and childish i was.

guys and girls;
the most crucial difference is that guys see trivial matters as nothing while girls see trivial matters as everything.

at that point in time, you refuse to give up on us and persuaded me not to as well.
but until the end, i guess you just felt that i was far too hurt to continue and everything ended.

it kind of hurts when i read them, thinking about how it could have been.
we din have enough fate i guess.
too many things just got in our way.



looking at the you i currently have now, i dun wanna make the same mistake.

you want me to let you win right?
do you know how many times you actually won?
in fact, everytime when the quarrel ended with me ignoring you, you win when i start holding your hand/arm without you coaxing me.

i din used to be like that.
in the past, it took a great deal of coaxing and pacifying before i relent.
i dun want you to say that i dun treasure us.
because i do. :)

i need to keep in mind about my faults, and not forget them once i get upset. :/

5hours aren't enough

when it comes to singing karaoke for me and mrtay. HAHA

He complained that i sang for like 4 and a half hour while he sang for three and a half cause i know most of the songs he chose except for a few hehe. Not my fault maaa.

Anyway we sang here!


^^ the TEN DOLLAR CLUB at tpy.
There is an outlet in chinatown too!!

Actually it is 10 bucks per person but minimum 3 so we paid 30 in total but okay lah we sang for five hours with free flow drinks (they have AWESOME barley drinks) and two cups of tibits hehe.
Best of all is they allow outside food as long as you dun leave containers there. ^^

But the thing is it is usually crowded and if you wanna make a reservation you have to have a safra or hometeam ns card or membership card so if you dun have the first two, you can borrow the membership card from me~ ^^

I think the tpy outlet no bird nest. :( chinatown like better alr. Shall go to chinatown's the next time okay mr tay yin ji! Then we eat the bird nest and you wun be sad alr HAHAHA!!

Went to value$ and bought all the cheap food/tibits woohooo!
Bought snickers and sweets for poor ade who worked 12hours straight too. Hope the damn cheap snickers taste alright!!

Visited ade at bpp for some yogurt and dinner there as well.



Mrtay went to look for his mum who is working there and she said she wanna meet me OMGGGG.

Headed there aft some mental boost from ade and she is a smiley lady though we din talk much since she is working. ^^
She smiled the instant she saw us walking to her! So cute!

Back to his hse for some tv before going home.

Okay im on the bus on my way home and the aircon above me is leaking but im kinda lazy to move? :/:/ nvm it just drips occasionally hoho.

Here are some pics taken while we are singing!!













Ohhh and that idiot took vids of me and him singing. Evil me might just post the one of just him singing hiakhiakhiak.

Hmm mm perhaps i shall ask ep and evon go sing k with me there and finally fulfill our ksession outing!! ^^

Anyway im home within 45 mins woohoo zoomzoom!! ^^!!