moving on with my life.

after finding out that tao will never be able to rest in peace if we continue to mourn and cry, and that his soul have been angry and in pain, i stopped.
i stopped mourning stopped crying almost instantly.
i love him still as much miss him still as much.
but i made myself do it for him.
i want him to go in peace.
i dun want him to suffer even in afterlife.
i will move on with my life.
i will go on with my life.
don't worry about us anymore.
don't be angry and sad anymore.
go on with them and do your own things alright.
dun worry about us forgetting you, we never will.



and, sometimes when we reached a point in our life, i realise that not everyone can be your friend.
even after going through whatsoever, nope.
you can feel disappointed, you can feel unhappy, but what if, just what if, you are the only one who is feeling that way?
if so, then dun bother.
dun bother to feel unhappy or get hurt over someone who doesn't care a hoot about you.
it's sometimes necessary to be cold-hearted to certain people, in order to protect yourself.
if you know you have tried your best, then there is nothing to regret.
i will protect my friends, from those who might potentially harm them, physically or emotionally.

it's not really normal to think of suicide every now and then right?
it's not really normal to think that i wanna leave this place and this world right?
it's not really normal to want to leave everyone i know and start anew in somewhere strange right?
sometimes i feel like there isn't someone whom i really wouldn't bear to leave.
anyway i can be a cold-hearted bitch if i want, and i'm feeling pretty cold-hearted right now.
i am feeling a little cruel, a little heartless, a little mean.
sometimes i wanna crush this world under my pretty little feet.
sometimes i wanna control every single one in this world with my little finger.
sometimes i just wanna be evil.
perhaps i am just sick of having to adhere to the 'musts' in this world, so i just wanna be badass.
i wanna burn things down and then laugh at it.
i have kind of a warped soul, distorted mindset eh?
there is a lot of things that i find no meaning in, but have no idea why people are so persistent in it.
it just doesn't really matter as much as the other beautiful things in the world.
it's okay if you think i am hideous.
i don't really care since i don't really know since you are just observing me behind your petty computer screen.
am i alright?
no, of course i am not alright are you dumb or what?
actually underneath my supposedly cheerful appearance i do have this pessimistic leering side of me.
what makes me happy?
idk anymore..
i really dun.
nothing really makes me happy anymore..
i can laugh i can smile, but once that laugh/smile is over, that tinge of happiness disappears too.
it's such a light shade of happiness, and that's probably why it faded so instant too.
i forgot how to be happy.
i got a feeling i forgot to do so about half a year ago?
i kind of lost faith in the people around me.
losing faith is really the worst kind right?
maybe i will be able to pick myself up again?
or am i just too deep in this depressed mode?
so many things have already lost its meanings to me.
what does it mean to be mature?
to be mature means realising that you are never going to be mature.
that's my definition of mature.
nobody is ever really mature.
people who think they are mature? in fact, they are just self-righteous people.
wise does not equal to mature.
wise people do do childish things, in contrary to what you think.
people all like to act a little extra cuter towards people they like, isn't that so?
you just want to whine a little more, complain a little more to your loved ones, isn't that so?
people are ridiculous.
we all are.
no exceptions.

i feel so mentally and physically drained.
i feel like a living corpse.
i feel like whatever i am doing/saying is not in my control anymore.
this is not me.
where is me?
i am so sick and tired of these.
this is not what i want to do.
i really dun want to wait to be able to do what i really want to do.
am i really incapable of doing what i want to do?
look at my blog title, mocking me.
i am not living without regrets, because this is not the life chosen by yours truly.
i guess i am kind of being rebellious and resisting all these.
i want to say goodbye to all these troublesome things.

it's not the first time i am feeling this way, and i brought it up to you more than once or twice.
to you, your answer is always wanting me to accept this for this is who you originally are.
but is that really so?
because to be honest, this is not the you whom you showed me at the start.
yes you have not changed, probably.
but yet you have changed the side of you you decided to show me.
it's one thing to be comfortable, yet another to show that you are putting in effort.
to me, you are not putting in enough effort.
and i dun think i am asking too much, i am definitely not.
you never ever really listen to my requests, but deny/condemn them straight away.
you never ever really asked what i want, but just push away my expectations saying that they are too high to reach without truly listening.
you said all these, but do you really know what i want? what i truly want?
you may say you don't know, but when i talk about it, do you ask?
do you even care enough to ask?
and then sometimes, the things i do for you, i feel unappreciated, so much so unappreciated, but i still try my best to do something special to you.
because to me, if i fail to make you feel special, it should be my fault, even so, i will be more motivated to try harder to think up of newer ideas.
what about you?
i miss the then you.
i miss that side of you.

trying so hard to come to terms with it, still.
2 weeks passed.
are you sad? or are you angry?
i really miss you a lot.
at the very least, i am not cooping myself up.
i still go out.
i still do things that i ought to do.
i try to be happy.
i still smile.
i still laugh.
but sometimes i try too hard to laugh/smile and seem happy, such that it becomes exaggerated, and i think it kind of scares people.
it's only when this happened when i realise your importance in my heart, and i can't help but wonder if i am as important to you?
and what saddens me so much is that you will never answer my this qns..
tao, do you miss me as much as i miss you?
do you love me as much as i love you?
even when we used to fight in the past, you never really really blew your temper at me.
you gave in to me in about almost everything.
is this how you show how much you love me?
it's not that we are not close right?
it's just cause you can't bear to really get pissed at me right?
it's because you dote on me right?
i used to be so willful and whiny but you never got mad, instead you laugh.
i never really got mad at you too, because i dote on you.
i always complained about how you treated me like a maid but i still do it because i dote on you.
suddenly i realised how much i dote on you.
i always did whatever you asked me to.
our bond is special right?
or at least i want to believe so.
that bond since young which never stopped.
we are cousins, but in our bodies, half of the blood flowing is the same.
because all the blood flowing in your dad and in my mum comes from our grandparents, the same grandparents.
our ahgong and our ahma.
ahgong doted on you the most.
and because of how close we were, he doted on me almost as much too.
and since young i have you to dote on me.
i have you to disturb me.
i have you to take care of me and want me to follow you everywhere you go.
i am so used to calling me 'eh jiale' and then follow by a laugh and then whatever you want to say, whether a lame joke or just reminiscing our past.
you haven looked at our old photos and laugh at how we were last time.
now, why am i the only one looking at our photos and laughing alone about how you were so naughty?
tao, it's so hard to be truly truly happy now.
can you teach me?
i got a feeling we were twins in our previous lives. haha.
dumb eh?
because it's so weird that i started feeling uncontrollably in a bad mood a few weeks or even a month or two before your accident.
it's like i felt like something is wrong and i can't pinpoint what.
and i have to try so hard to do things to make myself happy again.
and then to drop so low in a snap.
my mood fluctuated a lot, more so in the negative way.
or is my negative thoughts the reason which attracted what happened to you?
i miss you.

i wish everyone would be miserable like me and mourn for you.
i am a mean freak.
i hate all the festive decorations and songs.
i wish you would come back.
i wish that with all my might.
i kept telling tay this wish, but he never answers me.
i know he didn't want to tell me that it wouldn't happen and pop my bubble.
i know people will call me stupid, and say that it's impossible.
but, just let me dream and wish.
they say if you put all your belief in it, anything you want will happen.
i'm near desperation.
and i don't feel like going on with my own life.
perhaps i'm just feeling guilty and i wanna give this part of my life to him.
these past two weeks, i have been swallowing my tears down even though most of the times i fail.
and i guess i know why i always seem like a younger sister at home to my friends after flipping through our photos.
thank you for caring for me so much in your own subtle ways but i notice, you know.


i have decided, for my supposedly memorable 21st birthday this year, i'm gonna spend the first part of it with you, my dearest brother.
i love you so much.

ortao

i haven't been a fan of facebook, posting extremely seldom on it.
but recently, i have been spamming my facebook wall like crazy.
it's the only place i feel like i can still connect w tao, i can pretend and talk to him there.
ortao, someone who is not unfamiliar to alot of my friends.
i lost him to a car accident on christmas.
christmas will never be merry ever again.
christmas has since then lost all its festive meanings to me.
it's just a holiday which reminds me of something grievous.
tao's chu qi is on 31st dec, 49th day on lunar new year chu er, 100th day on 3rd april which is near my birthday.
tan ortao, you really know how to choose dates horh.
everytime i see people all happy and wishing everyone all kinds of wishes i feel so evil but can't help wanting to shoot them all down.
i hate seeing people being all happy because it was so miserable for me.
i can't help but wish that everyone will be crying and mourning for you.
arent i mean? but probably at this point in time i am just filled with hatred and meanness.
i hate all those people who comments about nonsensical things about moving on and being strong and how sometimes a smile is the correct response to whatever shit stop giving me bullshit i really want to feed you middle fingers.
are you fucking kidding me?
it has only been a week okay.
when you move on from a relationship of a month within a week people call you a flirt and then they expect us to move on from this kind of things within a week!? after he has spent more than 21 years with everyone (20 going 21 years with me)!?!? dun fucking kid me okay.

It's the last day of 2012 and the last week of the year has really been a whirlwind of things happening. I have been a mess trying to deal w reality and my emotions. Thank you for all who cared. But no i am not gonna be strong for the time being. The most i can say to you is that i will try my best, but no promises. Dun tell me to move on. You never really do when someone that precious leave you this sudden in this way. Eventually i will be better, at least on the outside, after i have tidied up my emotions and memories of him. God knows how long it will take. It hurts so much that you never gave us a hint, or a chance to say goodbye. You were my role model, the one whom i followed in almost everything i do. So many of the bad habits i have now i learnt them from you, so tell me how do i ever forget you? What bullshit, i never will forget you. I am fearing as 2013 is nearing. It's so hard to accept that you wun be seeing 2013. I guess i was too complacent, the way i assumed and expected that you will be w us until we all got married and have kids and bring our kids to see each other or even our grandkids and then share our grandfather and grandmother stories to them about all the silly things we did. And that complacency led to this indescribable grief inside of me.

Ps: i appreciate all the well wishes but really, stop sending me all the happy new year msges. It's not happy for me. At all.

above is what i posted on fb just before the clock struck 12 for the first time in 2013.
it really depicts how i feel.
i dk who will understand that he is not just a cousin, because most people are just not close to their cousins i guess.
he is like my real brother.
my big brother.
the kind who bullies you and hit you for no good reason.
you glare at him but he just passes by you without even looking after hitting you.
the kind when i look at him playing the computer with envy in my eyes and then he just turns to me and asks 'want to play huh? give you play want anot?' and then i reply excitedly with a 'yes'.
the kind i fight with him and bite his toe in order for him to give up and admit that he lost, or just grab him tight and hug him to pin all his limbs so he couldn't disturb me but he tries hard to turn back to lick me but fails terribly.
the one who laughs at me after telling me to do all the bad things which angered the adults and they came running after me.
the kind who steals my food and eat them all up and i got so mad i wrote in my diary about how i am never forgiving him ever again but yet finds him again the next day to have more fun.
the kind whom i just jump up on his back and insist that he piggybacks me all around the room or else i am never getting down.
the kind who treats me to go wherever i want and buy me whatever i want.
he is really the worst and the best brother at the same time.
so many photos of us being all loving and photos of us fighting, or rather you bullying me or attempting to hit me.
i learnt so many bad habits from you, like cracking my neck and finger joints.
i learnt all my vulgarities from you.
because of you, i grew up like a tomboy who loves to fight, car racing and climbing up and down.
i can't let you go.
i can't.
i can't let you go just like that.
i refuse to.
i just wanna pretend that you are just out with your friends or just away.

because of you,
i cry everywhere.
i cry while i'm on the transport, no matter train or bus.
i cry while walking.
i cry when i'm at my boyf's house, shocking his parents who probably thought i quarreled w tay or smthing.
i cry while bathing.
i cry mostly when i am alone.
because when there is nobody to talk to, nothing for me to do, when i am left idling, i think of you.
my heart aches, and my tears form.
i want to throw a big tantrum, i just want to scream and shout.
i want to cry hysterically and call for you to come back.
people think i am already grieving alot by the way i act, but no, i am actually holding back already.
i want to scream until they return you to me.
i want to make them so scared that they return you to me.
i want to fight them so they return you to me.
I HATE THOSE WHO TOOK YOU AWAY FROM ME FROM US.
I HATE THEM.

hi blog

Something happened to me. Someone so precious to me has been taken away from me. For the past week, he has been on my mind nonstop. He is not just my cousin, but my brother. My big brother who always try to take good care of me.
I will update about him soon, because today i wanna commend someone, my boyfriend.
Because he has been by my side for the past week, watching as i shed so much tears and cry so much for another man but yet understand all my emotions without being jealous, for i am afraid of ppl not understanding our r/s. even though we are cousins, we are not like all other cousins, we are more like siblings. And i thank him for understanding my half-heartedness when i go out w him. I will nv find another one as understanding as you are which is exactly what i need. Thank you and i love you.

ways to stop quarrels 101

You know how often little squabbles turn into big fights between couples? Yes that can happen frequently esp if you are in a r/s with someone like me who is a little short fused and loves to throw my 'princess' tantrum hahahaha.

And i was going to bed when this idea just popped out in my mind, which goes to show how random this post is lolll but i am a random person so this fits my style yeaaaa!
Yes, the title says it all~
One really great way to stop an argument with this type of girls (i.e me) esp when she is ignoring you and walking away in a huff is to walk up behind her, be brave and pull her back for a hug or a kiss whichever you may like and she might hit you or whatever but just dun let go.
Basically just skinship okay! Dun just poke or touch with your fingers. Either hold her hand tight, hug her tight, or give her a hot and passionate kiss in front of public OMGGG. ESP IN FRONT OF THE WHOLE PUBLIC.
LET HER KNOW THAT YOU ARE WILLING TO THROW YOUR FACE FOR HER.
But after she's calmed down please hide her face from the eyes of the public and dun let her be embarrassed lololol.
Trust me, within less than a min she will forgive you immediately wakakaka. Sorry i am a girl who is into the fantasy and fairytale sort hahaha.

And that someone should know that he is the one i am directing this post to.....
Dun you feel happy that i'm sharing this tip w you!? ^^

sometimes we should recall and reminisce the really sweet and shy moments we had at the start.

in a fucking frustrated mood recently.

just touch me a little in a wrong way and you could get a fiery ball heading your way.

frustrated mostly cause of financial issues.

i can't believe that i have to keep facing this when everyone tells me that i'm way too young to be worried about this, esp when i am just a student, not working at all at that.

i feel so fucking pissed about getting all these shits after all the reassurance beforehand.

maybe i am already very lucky,

and that i am still not considered poor as compared to so many other ppl.

but fuck this, i just feel so fucking cheated.

can i just forgo all these and start pursuing my dreams alr?

fuckk why am i pursuing YOUR dreams which you CAN'T pay for?

and then I am the ONE who is suffering for it?

screaming at you will be UNFILIAL and RUDE, then how else do you want me to express how fail everything is?

this MAY ensure me to get a better standing among peers in the future but what is the point of these?

it's literally 'punch your face swollen to pretend as a fatty' (a chinese phrase) -_-

this entire thing is so fucking lame.

heartache.

went out with my girls today and it was an undoubtedly awesome day out with them!

it's been so long since we just walk around shopping and eating and chatting.

and the above title is definitely not referring to them, it's just that as we were chatting, we came across this topic about the whole yuki and alvin and zoe raymond saga which i have not heard of before hahah yes i am slow.

so i just went to google it on my phone and read everything as i could possibly find, and also continued this 'research' after i reached home haha.

as i read on, all i felt was heartache, for the girl, who reminded me of the younger me.

i have absolutely no idea if this matter was true? but i have to say i could resonate w it so badly.

it pulled out the drawer of memories of so long ago that i thought i have forgotten, or rather, it put me back into the mind of the 15/16 year old me.

i was so damn young, as i look back now, not as old i thought i was then.

i wasn't capable to handle and contain emotions of that sort, though i probably still am not able to do so.

but i was so young, it was the age of innocence, the age where i am supposed to be carefree and happy.

the heartache came back, as the memories did.

it hurts so so so much.

god knows how many girls there were.

not one, not two (which are the official number), not three, not four, but so much more.

he attempted to go out with so many girls, where only two were the official ones and which i knew of and three more which he attempted but fail/succeed which somehow or rather i got to know of.

god knows how many girls he tried to hook up with, god knows how many failed or even worse, succeeded.

i was his 2nd, 4th and 6th girlfriend.

how stupid was the past me, to have trusted him over and over again.

ohh and not to forget, his 7th girlfriend was a byproduct of an incident of him trying to spite me and get me back but to no avail and so he stuck with her.

feelings of that kind of betrayal can never be forgotten.

my nose twitched but no i am not gonna let the tears to even form.

it's just like a feeling that eats you up from within, and eventually consume you into darkness, where you just crumple up there, wanting to destroy everything within your reach, especially yourself.

the feeling which makes you wanna dig your heart out and press it so hard so that it feel better.

you wanna scream, scream so loudly that as if the screaming would make you breathe better, feel better.

all you could do is to scratch yourself, pinch yourself, bite yourself.

digging fingernails into your legs aren't gonna help, but you do it anyway.

it's that helpless feeling that fills your heart and empties it at the same time.

your stomach lunges again and again, and you feel nauseous and almost feel like vomiting.

the shiver down your spine seems to have stayed there for good.

you cry and the tears flow as if they would never stop.

seconds ticked by, minute after minute, and in between the tears you glanced at the clock, an hour has gone, and soon another hour passed.

you feel so scared that you dk when this will end, and how much you wish that it was just a nightmare, which will end once you wake up.

you know how much you have hurt the people around you, you know when you see them standing around you looking at you and wondering what happened to you.

but you couldn't really care less, for you are too consumed by your own grief.

you want to confront him, confront her, and find out what exactly happen.

you want to know who initiated to hook up first, hoping it was her that seduced him, hoping that he merely innocently fell into her trap.

you wanna turn back time, pretend that nothing happened, pretend that it was all a lie.

it was that desperate feeling, that you feel like this will not end, you will suffer for the rest of your life.

so so so desperate.

i called her, i found out everything, everything he told me was a lie.

he told me what i wanted to hear, told me that she was the one trying to get him, told me that she initiated everything, he merely followed through.

she told me that she didn't know, she was lied to as well.

all i wondered that time was what did i do wrong.

i tried so hard to hold on, it was like gripping a rose full of thorns tightly. no matter how much it hurts, you can't let go, you just can't.

all you want to do is to hold onto the bare remains of the love, or rather ugliness and lies that it turned into.

i was so blinded.

i pray that i will never have to experience this ever again.

tay yin ji, you will have to do your part so i don't have to experience all these all over again hahaha.

you know, that time which was almost two years ago, when we just got tgthr, and you told me that if i ever cheated on you, you would forgive me, the me then felt that you don't really know how it feels like to be betrayed. to me, honestly, you didn't love me enough to feel that strong sense of betrayal.

now, i am actually glad and proud that you told me that you wouldn't forgive me if i ever betrayed you, and even though the you now actually believe that one day i will eventually cheat on you, you still stayed with me, thank you so much.

having experienced so many times of betrayal in one single relationship, i can firmly tell you that no, i will never lie to you, i will never cheat on you.

even if i may fangirl about my jonghyun my kpop guys and all kinds of cute guys, they are just people i idolise.

they are called idols for a reason.

they are the so-called 'perfect guys' which actually enables us to believe that there are 'good guys' in this world and therefore believe in true love.

but they can never replace you.

if jonghyun invited me to a date on your birthday i would still choose to celebrate your birthday with you over his date okay.

UNLESS YOU TELL ME THAT YOUR BIRTHDAY WISH IS FOR ME TO GO ON A DATE WITH JONGHYUN THEN I WILL GO OKAY hahahahaha.

you know, i sometimes am really afraid that you might cheat on me.

sorry that i am so insecure.

most of my insecurities are alr locked up tgthr w the bad memories in that lousy drawer but i am unable to put away all of them.

thank you for allowing me to do whatever i want even if it means that your privacy is sacrificed.

thank you for putting me before your own privacy and space that so many people honour.

thank you for giving me the transparency that i need.

i really cannot afford to let whatever happened before happen again.

i really don't want to.

i don't think i can take it another time.

HAPPY ME

yes, i am really significantly happier, more carefree and everything the past few days! :D
happy girl is me!
despite me having pms at the same time hahahaha.
went to gardens by the bay for the first time on sat and i will post the pictures up here soon i guess. hehe. just wait okay. i know it's been super long since i last posted pictures hehe.

and i'm just here and wanna talk about my amazement at how people can understand each other so well that they know what the other party is thinking just by looking at their little actions.
it's like how i merely tip-toed a few times discretely and tay knows that i need to pee HAHA.
and when eating i just need to give him a look and he will know that i am full or i dun like the food or i'm having some probs w it - like when it's too spicy or hot.
okay i'm having really random thoughts tonight.

yet again, sometimes i think people should not be defined by what their actions, esp those in the past, because this actually kind of restricts everyone in being who they really wanna be.
it's like people really DO try to live up to others' expectations, even the bad ones.
for example, my parents see me as a bad-tempered kid, which i admit i am hahaha, but it's like when i want to change and try to improve my temper, the way they treat me is like i am bad-tempered so i somehow or rather acted that way too, if you get what i am trying to say haha.
i think there is no absolute as to who you are.
nobody can be defined as everything and everyone is changing all the time.
i once wrote here that i am a being of contradictions.
i am cheerful yet grim, optimistic yet pessimistic, childish yet mature, easily contented yet easily discontented, easy-going yet picky, and the list goes on....
you see, everyone is a mixture of everything, and whoever you are depends on the situations, how you react may even differ in the same situations if it occurs at different times.
so don't define me, because i am going to change, and of course i wanna change to become a better person!
don't be restricted as to who you want to be, because there are endless impossibilities as to who you can be. be anyone you want! from a mermaid to a multi-billionaire!
but the one most important underlying condition is, have faith in yourself :)


having faith seems to be something that is increasingly difficult to achieve.
many people don't really have faith, more so in humanity.
i feel kind of sad, to see that though :/
people always laugh at me for being gullible, or some scolded me for like donating for fear of getting cheated by them.
but what if they really needed our help?
on the other hand, i feel ironic about those people who have no faith in humanity and yet are complaining about it.
well, if you complain, then i guess you are the one who should make some effort and do something about it.
we are all part of what that makes up humanity right? since we are part of that, then we should be able to make a change.
it's a cycle.
you have no faith in humanity, you dun believe in it, you act in a negative way, humanity dwindles in a downward spiral and then you have even less faith in it.
what an evil cycle.
i say, let us all play our part to make this cycle a good and pure one! ^^
hehehe.


okay another big jump from this topic, the sandy hook incident :(
i got really upset about this incident because of the lovely children and school personnel who got involved and victimised.
idk what to say, but can only pray w good wishes for their families.
may their souls rest well.

i'm feeling so much more happier today :)
thank you my beloved and all the people who made me happy this weekend. hehe.
i really truly enjoyed this weekend and now it's time for me to work hard to compensate it for abit hehe.
i'm prepared for a day of sleepiness tml with me probably sleeping minimally tonight, trying to rush out my assignment which i kind of have no idea what i am writing. D:
jiayou jiale! because you can do it when you put all your heart to it.
okay tata my people, cause i'm off to complete my assignment! ^^ lubs.

there is a really really weird feeling inside of me :/
i dun really know how to describe it.
i guess i feel kind of lost now.
i guess i need to now sit down and think thoroughly about what i want in life so i can properly focus on whatever i am supposed to do now.
there are a lot of things which i feel that i can only do in the future, but then again, is that really so?
i kind of wanna build a family now, build a career now.
i wanna have my own room, my own house, my own everything.
that's kind of retarded, right? as people around me would start telling me all the practical and material things that i will need.
but then again, i have me, the most important person in my life, whom i believe can do so many things.
is it okay for me to be irrational? why not? why do people have to make rational decisions all the time?
i don't get it. what if going along with the irrational choice makes me happier?
or maybe now what i am just trying to do is just to try my very best to describe whatever i am feeling now, so i can acknowledge it, and understand myself better, and then let go.
how do i describe this?
it's like i am afraid of the future and yet looking forward to it at the same time.
and i guess i am not the only person who feel or ever felt this way hahaha.
sometimes i feel kind of mundane, living like this, but yet again i am the one who is causing these mundaneness.
i think i want someone to help discipline me. okay probably not 'want' but rather 'need'.
i need someone to follow through my plans together with me so i can really complete it.
procrastination is really getting the worst of me.
it is such an evil thing, eating me/us from inside out.
we need to fight it, even though we are enjoying it at the same time. this is bad.
lee jia le, i remember that day when you told yourself that you are not going to waste any more time of your life.
no, you are not wasting time, you are wasting your life, do you remember that?
or do you need something inspirational to happen to your life again so you can get up and put yourself back together?
get rid of that laziness, that procrastination, that moping around and uselessness.
do you want to be a blob of nothingness?
do you want to be a parasite that is just sucking blood/money/food or whatever and does not contribute?
are you forgetting something?
are you forgetting that once strong desire of yours to do really well and wanting to do something for this family?
please please please remember that in order to support your family, you need that A, you need all the distinctions you can get, and in order to do that, you have to concentrate, you have to focus, you have to stop being a pile of wastes.
okay now can you do it?
be fierce, be strict.
GO AND DO IT AND YOU BETTER DO IT OR ELSE I WILL NEVER FORGIVE YOU AND THIS WILL BE A REGRET WHICH YOU CANNOT COMPENSATE NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO OKAY.

i need to sprinkle some fairy dust all over myself so that my wish to be more disciplined can come true.
but wait, probably it's just me, it's just me that is not taking control enough.
i give myself too many excuses, too much time, and too much allowances.
be strict, stick to the rules you set yourself, and this sickening feeling in the stomach will definitely stay away.

suckertay,

this is the first time in a damn long time since you actually called me on the phone to talk you heartless person.
:') i'm glad you still remember my existence hahahahaha.
good luck and jiayou for your test!!!!
i believe you can do it so you must believe in it too my dearest.

not the first time that i thought of moving away, and it will definitely not be the last either.
i wonder when will our family realise the definition of respect?
i can't say the things i do/say respect anyone in this family, because to be honest, i don't.
don't ask me why i am behaving this way, i was taught to, how else?

/shys

I am thankful that everytime i feel inferior about myself, i have tay who finds me beautiful and skinny w a great figure despite my red nose and fats everywhere on my body. Heh. /shys

negative, no, positive thoughts

everytime something negative enters my mind and bugs me, i try my very best to get rid of it by distracting myself.
i WILL control my mind and thoughts.
i WILL will myself to be the happiest person alive.
i WILL be happy and not let anyone else or anything affect my mood.
NOBODY can do so, not even me.
i will DEFEND my happiness and NO ONE takes it away from me.
OKAY SMILE, and feel that happiness coming from within you.
dk what to think of?
look at how you are alive now, how you are breathing in fresh air, how you are enjoying the wind from the fan, how you are typing these with your own hands and how you are seeing these words on the screen.
that's already more than what you can wish for.
don't you already feel so so so thankful? :)
there, i love that smile on you.
yay! i am happy once again! :D

being happy is easy, you just need to remind yourself the little things around you.

and i saw this video coincidentally while listening to my 'dumb ways to die' vid keke this little boy is so cuteeee look at him shaking his bootie at the end hahaha.