a very loooooooong update

because i very much want to update about my life, and so many have happened sooooo idk where should i start. hahahaha i dun even know when i last stopped updating....
okay and i have tons of pictures and i am really unwilling to put them into collages cause i might go crazy doing so but then again if i upload all the pictures i might go crazy waiting for them to be uploaded or maybe not since i can watch my do min joon hehehehehehehe.

erm erm erm okay, i just realised i havent like uploaded proper photos in like about a year?
and there are quite a lot of events that i wanna just jot down before my memory start failing me :( because it's already failing me a little... D:

well well well, i shall start from this year okay? hahahahah if i include last year it will be way toooo much :(

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02 Jan 2014
went to this place with two aunties called kehlim and kimlok hahaha.

WHEELER'S YARD!

well i took this one,

and keh took this one HAHA step one angle.

quite a lot of photos are taken by keh with the artistic feel keke.

mine!

all three of us took pics from the bird's eye view hahaha and we keep taking turns shifting the coffee cups and plates LOL.

it's a very quaint little place and the food was not too bad though okay lah can be better maybe haha.

and i was quite sure not that many people went there before we did but after we went there, sdnly i see a lot of people taking photos in front of the signature blue erm door/gate? HAHA and of course we did toooooo:

my hair was super flat okay dun say liao i very sad hahahaha okay we are forever the lovable aunties hohoho.

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05 Jan 2014
the day mah bitches and i (because i aint no bitch lolol) finally had our christmas celeb and gift exchange! yayyy!
because there are 12 days of christmas (or so i insisted :D) so it was also the last day of christmas!!

finally had maki-san! yay! i love me some soft shell crabs :D

and cher was ade's santa so they supposed to take a selfie w the gifts in ade's hands but i squeezed my head in LOL. 

and tried out different filter keke.

we both had messy hair BECAUSE WE WERE PLAYING IN ST GAMES idk why we din take any photos in st games....

we are the people who are leaving~

and they are the people who are going for dinner together heh.

actually i originally forgot why we took pics separately but yay i remembered and omo we did not take a group picture hahaha.

oh and gt left even earlier so she din take any pic w us :( plus our sick clara :(

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11 Jan 2014
THIS IS THE DAY I ATTEMPT TO MAKE SOME SUSHI!
though i was pretty sure i tried to make some about a month ago but din have anyone to take any photos while i was making them and tay just took some unglams.... thanks ah.

yes you will only see one unglam shot

yum yum there were tamago and lobster salad sushi rolls :Q_____

all with my mentaiko sauce and homemade lychee fizz yumyum!

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14 Jan 2014

OUR DA JIE TURNED 22!! first of our lot!! hehh!

had school so yi and clara bought the cake and we surprised her at sch! :D

cheryl lau being all happy about the cake hahahaha!

 hopped over to necessary provisions for a cuppa ^^

 then we had this very impromptu decision to go over to clara's for some steamboat HAHA and here goes:

HAPPY NOM TIME! and it was our full strength like FINALLY (minus mel tho D:) and everytime we organize someone is always missing and then impromptu everyone can make it.. hahahaha!

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19 Jan 2014

helping tay's fam to sell cny flowers aaaaanddddd i really love this big pot of flowers:

hehehe it is not very obvious but there is cage-like thing on the flowers and there are fake birds all over it OMG WAI SO PRETTAYE!?!?

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21 Jan 2014

THIS MARKS THE DAY THAT I HAD C.O.W. (aka Chefs On Wheels) FOR THE FIRST TIME.

IT STARTED MY TASTE FOR THE SUPER AWESOME BULGOGI RAMEN BURGER.

though i din had the burger my first time, instead i ate their creamy mushroom pasta HAHA cause a lot of the food was sold out by the time we got there.

but i still had the burger and i shall include its picture here hehe.

nomnomnom it wasn't too bad hehe

and now, here comes the bulgogi beef ramen burger!!!

LOOK AT ALL THE JUICE!!
FML i sibei hungry now okay i gonna go eat my dinner soon aft i finish all these.
i am still at january okay jiayou me hahaha.

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24 Jan 2014

the day we officially celebrated cheryl's bday hahahaha and passing her her bday gift!!

MAH SELFIE hahahaha.

went to griddy waffles for some desserts?

cannot rmb if we took photo at our dinner but i dun have any pics lah haha.

HAPPYGIRL92 W HER NEW WATCH!

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29 Jan 2014

tay's bday is on the next day, but it was cny eve so we celebrated on this day hehe.

MY OOTD! hahaha haven wore this dress since.. lol.

since valentines was coming they had these pretty decors haha. two girls approached us to take their pics and so they helped us hehe. we actually took like quite a lot :x

oh we had lunch at the sushi bar at far east but i only remembered about taking photos halfway through our meal soo.. :(
and then for dinner we went to East 8 New York Fusion Tapas + Bar ^^

this is their really cute menus and there were different designs WAHWAHWAH O.O

we sat for awhile before realising that a 'bottle of flowers' represents reservation!
and it's super cute w the name on it hahaha it's my name! :D

erm we drank it like tea but it's their on-the-house drink hehe.

do you see that very cute raspberry fizzy jelly drink? keke it's mine and it comes in two cups so i gave one to tay. idk why it comes in two cups either hahaha.

wooooooo beeeeeef.

sophisticated pics taken by yours truly HAHAHA.

a pretty rainbow came to join us for our meal~

tay's bday 'cake' arrived! it is actually a chocolate bar in a pan and it's super creamy and yummy and it's only for bdays i think hehe.

the candle was 'humming' the happy bday tune hahaha.

making a wish,

blowing candle,

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31 Jan - 02 Jan 2014

okay basically the cny period, and i was looking at the photos in the folder and i saw this,

LOL i think sebas was wishing me a happy cny? LOL

and i wasn't willing to lose in the category of ugly faces and so:

okay show you my real chio look,

HAHAHAHAHAHA i think i was taunting him.

anyway, on the first day of cny, we went over to tay's side first and he is sleeping in the room..

and we were the only ones hiding inside.... piggggg.

okay the awake shot haha.

went over to xueli jie's hse and erm not everyone is in this photo hahaha toooooo many people.
and steamboat!! *-* i love steamboats.

and mum requested a lot of shots...

for cny day two,

it's obvious who is the odd one out right LOL i am a mean sister.

headed over to ahma hse first :D

the sibei relaxed man w the chair that everyone wants haha.

 where you looking at? HAHA

headed to tay's side and played w his baby cousin omo wai so cute!?

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okay okay that's all for january and i will stop here now because i am really very hungry okay will probably continue the feb post tml hehe okay bye!!! :D

just wanna post a picture here,

a wink because i can HAHA.
okay bye.

up till now, i still cannot decide whether to study at night or in the morning, so i am always wandering between sleeping early or late.
i love the serenity and stillness of the night and how i look out i see pitch black which empties my thoughts and help me focus, then again i love how the morning smells like, fresh and warm and little bustling noises made by people from downstairs.
from the looks of it i should probably just sleep in the afternoon when the sun is blazing and shines through the window and on me who is studying hard at my study table which is right next to the window making me sweat like crazy. lol. but my sleeping hours will be very crazy D:
or i can just take naps~
okay whatever, i need to finish this article before i sleep. okay goodbye.

my parents told me i don't understand the importance of getting a degree before working,
i told them they don't understand my desire to provide for myself first before considering further studies.
you ask me why?
probably because i feel that my opinions will only matter and i will only be acknowledged AFTER i start earning my keep and provide for this family.
and it sucks to keep trying to get money from your parents when you know they are not that able to. yes i dun just mean my allowance, even my fucking school fees.
you tell me not to worry about money, but to be honest, i can't. because i have been watching how money causing so much problems in the house for how many years? please help me count how many years i have been living in this world thanks.
sometimes all i hope is to be understood, and understand why i do the things i do, and how i think.
i really hate money matters, and i have always sworn to myself that i will earn enough money to support myself even after i get married.
i really hate the problems that money causes, or should i say human beings are the root of all these evil?
yes, we are not fucking poor, but do you know how i feel when i see the face you have when i get money from you?
i think, one line my dad told me when i was young affected me a lot.
he said, 'if you want me to stop smoking, then you have to wait till you start providing for this family, then when we start using your money, i will listen to you as to how to spend your money. now i am spending my money, so you can't tell me how to spend my money, right?'
yup i can't.
i initially wanted to put this up on facebook in the hopes that my parents will read it and hopefully understand how i feel for once.
but i guess, you aren't supposed to wash the dirty linens of your family in public eh?
this is also the public, but it's still a lot more private than facebook.
and perhaps even though i am writing this here, i am still hoping that they will discover it.
i really hate studying now, hate how it is interfering with me getting on with my life.
fuck this shit.

renting a room.

thinking of moving out to live.
this must be the umpteenth time that this thought came to my mind.
and how my friends all volunteered to lease me the spaces in their homes hahaha.
and also why i have been pestering tay to get a house, and i wouldn't mind staying there by myself, because i really just want some space.
this would definitely come true in 2-3years' time, because i will make it come true.
at the very least i would be where i want to be.
should i rent a room? but staying alone in a room with other people in the house poses its risks too? :/
i might not actually have that privacy i was looking for.
i think i am a loner at heart.
maybe i just need a cosier home, with less clutters and things.
may i get out before i really suffocate.

the one song that never fails to calm my mind, heart and soul.

to my tao,

tay showed me this performance by a contestant on chao ji ou xiang (super idol) and she sang this song and it was so touching and beautiful and all i thought of was you, and i couldn't help but tear so much when i heard it.

i started tearing at the line 'it's not that i must have you back', which is quite true.

because sometimes i can continue living without you here, but when i start flipping some memories, and then they come gushing out at one go.. 

suddenly i dk what to do..

do you feel me missing you?

so so so so badly that i wanna punch everyone for taking you away.

it sucks to feel that your life has been so cruelly cut short, or am i just being very selfish to want you here with me till the end of my time in this world?

sometimes when i feel like just moping around, i will think of you and make myself try harder, tell myself that i want to continue living for you, but then again i dk how to do it..

i miss your voice, your laughter, your everything..

i want to pinch your face and then laugh at your mole asking why you have a fly on your face.

i want to knock your head with my knuckles like how you always do to me.

i want to hear you talk about how we used to fight and you can never believe that i bit your big toe aft you taunt me to.

are you missing me as i miss you?

i really want to believe in afterlife, after you are gone.

are you doing well with ahgong and ahma?

let them know i miss them too..

some heartaches just never go away..

and you are one of mine..

and i looked for the vid for the performance..

when i want to have a good cry, i guess i would be here :)

it caught me, again.

Somehow the crying bug caught me and it's been bugging me tonight.
I have actually spent a cheerful day but the last part of it reminiscing the past w clara reminded me of so much.
There are not just miserables, but also happinesses.
(Yes I created those words lol but you get what I mean!)
Sometimes I look at the future thinking of it as the future and then suddenly, I am in the future.
I guess this is what they mean by time flying past.
I guess this is why we should not look too far back in the past or too far ahead in the future, because it is far more important to decide how you want to spend now.
Reminiscing serves as a reminder of all the things we have done wrong and right, and tells us of all the experiences that we had.
Imagining the future gives us a ray of hope as to the surprises we are going to get tomorrow.
I must always remember that 'we will always have our own time to live every single age and not envy others, be it young or old.' (As adapted from 'Tuesdays with Morrie' by Mitch Albom heh.)
I have had my time of being 5, 10, 16, and 18 years old. Soon, the sweet 21 years old me will be leaving too.
Perhaps I should learn to say goodbye, as I flip through every chapter of my life, I need to say goodbye to everyone in my life as I know them at 21, so I can know them again when I am 22. :)
Saying goodbye is probably not as bad as what people think, and it is important because life is so unpredictable.
I used to think that 'these only happen to other people', but I stopped being so naive ever since ortao's accident.
When you see someone so close leaving this world with no time to say goodbyes, I want my closest people to know how much I love them, having this here would remind them that.
And doing this after every chapter of my life might be very necessary,  for it not only gets me prepared, it helps me face my deepest and truest feelings to the lovely people around me.
I actually thought of these while I was bathing, and had a speech that just came out flowing out of my mouth without thinking much.
Yes I actually had a speech in the bathroom with the toilet bowl as my audience, and I cried as I said it.
Perhaps it was because it was my truest feelings, it touched even myself. Lol.
I am not touched by my own words, but rather, the gratitude I felt towards my loved ones as I recall all that they did for me, despite me for being me.

I am not the nicest person in the world, not the best daughter, sister, girlfriend, friend, granddaughter, niece, cousin.. I have always spoken my mind, so much so that it probably hurt a lot of people around me, and yet I am the only one who didn't notice that. I very often spoke without thinking, and I know it's a big problem. I will change, for you, and for me. I am grateful to my parents, who gave me a lot of their firsts. It was my first time being someone's child, as to theirs being someone's parents. It was my first time learning how to talk, and their first to teach their child how. It was my first time eating by myself, and their first to guide their child's hands. As I faced all my firsts, I forgot how it was like to be their firsts, too. I am sorry to have blamed you for many things, for I forgot that as lost as I am, you are lost too. I am grateful to my sisters, for they showed me that I have always to hold my stand, be firm and be that reliable person they need. They taught me strength, and that will hold me together, throughout my life. Most of all, they gave me a shot at being a little parent, and showed me the wonders of life as I watched them grew. Life is just so beautiful and magical. Who knew the little chaps who used to totter around behind me would grew up to be almost as tall as me? Though still not as tall haha. I am than9kful for tay, for showing me that some things are meant to be held back, and that not everyone have the same values as me, and that doesn't mean that I should disrespect their values. My friends all have the similar traits and values as me, and that's probably why they are my friends, and you showed me how vastly different people can be, and we should learn how to agree to disagree, esp with regard to our differences. Thank you for being the exact opposite of me, and showing me that different world I would otherwise be unable to see. Thank you for showing me patience, and I hope I can master that in the future. I am grateful towards my cousins and aunts and uncles, for doing their utmost to guide me along the way, becoming the extra 'siblings' or showing me the different walks of life. Esp xiao gu, for trusting in me and who I am, and always remembering me when you buy things and all our little chats about life. I am grateful to my ahgong and ahmas, and perhaps also the ahgong I have never seen, thankyou for not seeing me as just another grandchild despite the many grandchildren you have. Thank you ahma for always loving me, the warmest pats on the hands, the stuffing of money, the little hugs. Thank you ahma and ahgong, tho you have both left, but I will always rmb how you never forgot me even if I missed the visit to your place, asking mum to tabao my fave food back for me, rushing around to make me milo, pour me soft drinks, hurrying to get towels aft we played in the rain. Thank you to my grandparents for treating me like a little princess, even after I had grown up. I am grateful to my friends, who always looked upon me as a little girl, despite me being the eldest kid at home. Always trying their best to protect me from any harm and hurt. Always looking out for me. Sorry for my blunt and harsh words sometimes. And sorry for the nonsensical things that I do and say. Sorry for how sometimes my brain just works a little slowly, and for the endless questions and whys I have in my curious mind. Thank you for trying to know and understand me. Thank you for all the laughters and smiles. Thank you for trying to be there for me.

Okay this is my goodbye for this chapter of my life.
I have learnt a lot, and realised what I have to improve on.
I finally understood that it is not changing who I am, but striving to become the better me.
I await for a better tempered me lol. Please don't say it's impossible.
For I still believe that the world is magical, and you should too, looking at all these beautiful things and people around you.
See how magical it is that we grow so tall from so short and how we can see rainbows and fly up to the skies and how we can hear melodies.
There is too much magic around us that we neglect. For the most magical thing is that we actually are born in the same time period so we could meet and create all these beautiful memories. :')
This is for me, and most of all, you.

for when i need a break,

whenever i feel so overwhelmed by life and the things in it, i just drop by tumblr and submerge in my fangirl self in shinee gifs and pictures. and looking at their retarded acts and smiles just make me smile and then i fall into this world of just smiles and plain happiness with no worries. it's like a little internet getaway for me. hehe.

HAPPY

I HAVE BEEN VERY HAPPY RECENTLY AND I NEED TO BLOG ABOUT THE DETAILS ASAP BUT I AM STUCK W SCHOOLWORK AND I CANT FINISH BY TML WHICH IS THE 2ND LAST CLASS FML DK IF I CAN FINISH IT BY TUE OKAY BYE I WILL BE BACK LIKE ERM SOON!! SO I CAN BE APPRECIATIVE TO THE LOVELY PEOPLE AROUND ME HELLO I LOVE YOU ALL OKAY PARDON THE LACK OF PUNCTUATION I AM USED TO PRESSING THE SHIFT KEY WHILE TYPING IN CAPS SO I CANT EXACTLY TYPE FULLSTOP WITH THE SHIFT KEY PRESSED LOL OKAY BYE!

my baby.

nope i am not talking about tay here.
nor am i talking about my two penguins lol.
i am also not announcing any pregnancy or marriage.
just wanted to come here and talk about this dream i had two nights back and in the dream, i gave birth to this extremely cute and chubby baby and it din hurt at all (maybe cause i was dreaming) and i dun actually rmb giving birth lol.
i just rmb i was about to give birth then boom the baby's there and i opened my eyes and i was at this huge house with everyone surrounding me congratulating me and i was carrying my baby.
and i laid the baby in his cot (it's a he. i just know even though he is wrapped in a white cloth instead of blue or pink) and walked around looking at everyone and then everyone swarmed to the baby as i walked around in my huge house (did i mention it was huge? okay i did twice lol).
then i walked back into the room where my baby is and everyone was commenting how his eyes looked like mine and ohmy it really does look like mine and i was just very very happy and i still rmb bits and pieces of the deco and the layout of the house.
tay asked me who was there, and i couldnt actually recognise anyone? :/
and he kept asking me (everytime i bring up this dream) if he's the father (HAHA) and my answer was yes, at least i really think it's him hahaha. (you know how you always forget your dream once you wake up)
and when i woke up and looked at him HE ACTUALLY HAS THE SAME EYES AS THE BABY okay i dk anymore.
i cannot forget about the dream because of how happy i was in the dream and i just love being so happy and surrounded that people i love and love me.
:')
i think maybe i just want a party or gathering where EVERYONE i love is there.
it will probably come true when i get married tho hahaha.
okay i love that baby alr and i love my dream and i hope i will love my life even more. ^^
the dream will either become a future of mine or it was a scene in my past life hahaha kbye.

i need something out of the norm.
i dun want to go out to just go to the movies, or eating, or shopping.
okay i definitely need to eat but i dw just that.
i dw st games/playnation either, it's just becoming wayyy too often.
a k session is probably not too bad? but i want something newer.
probably like a picnic? a visit to the museum? ice skating/cycling?
i just need to do something new.
so i would stop feeling sick of everything.
i should probably go for a swim as well...
been wanting to go swimming but i havent for the longest time :(
i need to feel the water surrounding me and just feel the free body movements again.
i just want to do something more out of the norm.
the norm for me i mean.
oh sigh.
please make some adventures for me and you to venture in.

i need to stop coming here when i feel dejected so i would no longer feel so down everytime i come here.
it totally defeats the purpose of using this blog url right.
thinking too much is really detrimental.
i need some pill that can stop me from overthinking.
some relaxant maybe? haha.
am i becoming depressed?
or have i always been depressed?
always easily irritable.
or is it just that my menses are here so i couldn't control those evil hormones from wrecking me inside out?
so annoying annoying.
i am annoying.
i think of myself and wonder why i do the things i do.
uh huh.
i should probably create another blog to put all those negative emotions inside so this blog will be able to keep its little amount of happiness left.
the only happy part is our happy faces on the left sidebar.
okay no there are more happiness to it.
let's go i know i can do this. i have to do this.

forgive to release yourself.
it's been hard on you.
release all those grudge you have been bearing.
live the carefree life.
you can do it, i believe in you.
stop being hard on you.
it's not about them, but yourself.
remember, it's you.
let it go, let it go.
nobody cares or even knows about the grudge that you hold.
so there is no point anymore.
you are the only one flipping it over and over again in your head.
so what's the point?
let it go, let it go.
set yourself free, so you can smile genuinely again.

i wish i have more trust.
it's tough to not be able to trust.
is it because i am unable to trust myself?
yes i havent started studying... kbye.

i need to actually start doing things..
for starters, i shall go off to do some studying.
kay bye.

Young, wild and free.

Broke a few my of virginities ytd.
I ate a cherry for the first time (yes dun judge),
I kind of smoked a puff though I din breathe it in like I am supposed to and it tasted bitter and horrible (yes dun judge either lol and I am not sure if I will try a second time w the breathing in part but yea),
I took a motorbike ride (and screamed everytime shannon perry accelerated ohmy the adrenaline rush is no joke. One word: shiok!).
I thought I had done more first times but for now I cant rmb much.
Might be the alcohol (not much tho) or company but I kind of enjoyed myself and letting myself be wild and free.
Haven't screamed for some time because I was having so much fun (on the bike and also swing where arvin and I had a competition hahahah).
Super full with our zichar by the sea and it was so great just enjoying the sea breeze (not the freezing gale we were facing at ecp ahahaha).
Lying on top of monkey bars to read stars (astronomy kids hehe) and finding north south east west haha.
It reminded me of the times when I was younger when my dad would bring me downstairs almost every night to the park and just lie on the benches and watch the stars and chat.
Tho we have our dear (kind of) disabled tay it was great to have him leaning on me and needing my support (physically) so much for the first time.
Ah another first time there.
:') it was a great night nevertheless.
Thankful for his friends who included me so much and even in the trip they wanted to plan. :')

food for thought

Read an article online, and sdnly find that older guys are not that bad afterall.
Maybe not alllll older guys, but those more mature and dun see fooling around as a hobby anymore.
When I say older, I dun mean like one, two yrs older. Perhaps at least 5 yrs older?
Someone who has seen much of this world and would look at 'me' (hypothetically) seriously.
He would teach me about this world and what he experienced.
He would know what it is like to go through everything, happy or not.
He has gone through enough to know that communication and personal interaction with people around him is of utmost importance.
He would know when to say no, and hold onto his countless principles because he just knows what is right or wrong.
Preferably, this man would have the patience to show me what he have got to know from this world.
Hmmmmmm okay this sounds like having a dad. Tho you are more likely to listen to your boyf over your dad.
Hmmm okay im a little disgusted to continue.
Anyway not talking abt me because I like to be the one in control.
Sorry but I must be the one dominant in the relationship lolol.
Okay bye.

listening to those old songs you used to listen and let those memories and emotions flow through your whole body from head to toe.
singing them out loud and not caring about the world for a moment.
i like this.

my journey.

Running w tay last night and I got overloaded w so much thoughts that I din have the mood to continue anymore.
He continued the run alone and I started to ponder while enjoying the alone time.
I started thinking on this journey of mine.
The journey of life.
I have no idea exactly how long I have left in front of me, and I just keep walking.
Maybe I should do some meaningful stuffs here and there but what is meaning?
Isn't it just smth intangible that people hold onto to be hopeful?
I started searching inside, the deepest layers.
How do you really feel?
I realised I am someone very bad at expressing myself, but I keep trying anyway.
And I hate silence, I need some noise or smth all the time.
I wonder what it be like if we made different choices.
I talk to myself a lot, I reenact scenes that happened and think of the things I should have said or did instead, smtimes in public.
And then I get dirty looks from people and realise that I have been acting out the whole time, facial expressions included.
Retarded but I kind of like this kind of interactions w myself.
I will be great in the future.

HAPPY MOMENTS.

okay not that i have any to share as of now......
okay no actually i think i definitely do feel happy every now and then.....
but does it seem so small and insignificant that i no longer want to write them down?
i rmb smth happy happened, and tay said i could write this down and feed my happiness monster, and that's when i rmb this project of mine.
and i forgot to review it at the end of 2013.
but what i know clearly, is that i failed to continue feeding it after the first half of the year...
yes i am guilty of that..
should i start over anew?
yes i should.
i am gonna fill it up with happy moments again, and also to count more blessings.
i am very blessed, yes i know i am very blessed.
i am very blessed to be able to live in this world, and having many things that others merely dreamed of.
i am very blessed to have so many people loving me, despite me going cray cray sometimes.
i am very blessed to have all the materialistic things i have.
i will continue to be grateful, and persist in the choices i make.
even though idk what to do in life, what i want from life, what i love and what i dislike, i will continue moving on and explore.
yes explore is the word.
explore more and more and more, experience more things, and discover new interests.
yup.
i will do that.
please cheer me on from behind, i know you will. :)
let me fly high and far, and soar through the clouds.
and i know that when i look back, there are all the happy and loving faces pushing me on.
go go go!

back to this senseless space,

where i pour out my senseless thoughts and random rants.
feeling very tired, somehow, emotionally > physically.
maybe it's this lethargy that i have been carrying around and hiding inside of me.
it's always been in one drawer and before i realised it, i have chests of drawers staring back at me containing them.
i am not a saint.
i have more weaknesses than anyone could imagine, and i know them all, but still choose to keep them hidden.
i have a violent tendency, when i get pissed, i wanna slap/stab/push/kill somebody.
i would always want to destroy smth, if i can't have it.
i have a competitive streak, and want to be the first in everything.
i am very irritable, with a very horrible temper.
i am controlling, for everything must go my way.
i am very selfish, i tell myself to put others before me, but it ain't easy at all.
and people often think that i am this easy-going person who doesn't flare up easily.
oh how wrong.
sometimes, it's weird, but when i start thinking about how life is for me, how meaningless some things are, i feel like letting go.
i dun want to think i dun want to fight in this world.
people say, just do whatever you want, fight for your dreams, be wow-ed by your future.
but the thing is, i dk what i like, i dk what i'd love to do, i dk what i want to do, i dk what would wow me.
idk what is my dream, or if i have any at all.
i think i would wanna find a job in the future, as a pastime.
maybe have a kids or two.
then again, maybe i don't want any at all.
or maybe i don't want to get married.
i don't want to be tied down to a flat plus kids.
and then i look at my parents, i look at the older generation..
i cannot see anybody that i wanna be.
rich? not exactly.
famous? not exactly.
just going on w my simple life and devote my life in fostering my kids? nope.
i want a simple life filled with random adventures.
does this even make sense?
like i am enough of a contradiction self, why is the life i wanted filled with irony too?
and then i'd start thinking, why not end my life while i am still young?
and maybe pretty? or at least prettier than i'd be in 50 years.
and then i'd not have to rack my brains to think, or compare myself with people who are so sure of themselves and the paths they wanna take, such that i feel so minute.
and then i start thinking, maybe i am staying alive so as to not make the people around me sad.
and then i'd think, why not be selfish once.
and these thoughts just get thrown here and there, as a debate erupt in my head, with me fighting against me.
and i have no idea which side is the angel which side is the devil.
or maybe both of them are devils.
maybe my life is a lie, and that when i die, i'd wake up realising this all is a dream and that i belong to a bigger world.
people always say to be intelligent, and not to follow by the books so strictly.
and idk if it's the way i am brought up or the way singaporeans are, that i absolutely dk what to do and i really need someone, anyone, to tell me how to lead my life.
why don't you just teach me?
step by step.
uh huh, after i finish my kindergarten i go to pri sch and then sec sch and then i pick poly or jc and i go to uni then i come out to work and when i find someone i possibly wanna marry or simply because i am already of age so i apply for flat and then wait for it to be approved and then i move in with him and we have kids and we work till they grow up and then i dun even know if we get to retire or not.
but is there another way to live?
why dun you just give us like a lot of lists to choose from?
or like qns, for example:
1. would you like to be a lawyer or a doctor? if lawyer, go to qns 2. if doctor, go to qns 3. if neither, go to qns 4.
and then we'd go on until we know exactly what we want to do.
yes, like a robot.
but perhaps i would very much prefer it that way.
i rmb how i used to hate certain jobs, and then i start to brainwash myself into thinking i am a robot, and thou shalt not think, thou shalt keep on doing whatever i am doing like a robot.
and it kind of works, i mean, i was just focusing on the passing the time till work ends, and nothing else matters.
i am a very lost soul, wandering around with an aim, and not a kind soul either lol or perhaps 'kind' is just a word forged by human beings who wanna make themselves seem like a god/saint.
okay whatever.
i dk what to think anymore.
and i am tired of it.
and i just finished the taeun last ep and i am feeling v sad over that as well.
tho i sincerely hope they keep their r/s secret if they do continue and only reveal when they plan to get married! hohohoho.
okay goodbye.

a new year, a new start.
no, no reccounts this year, because it hasn't exactly been a wonderful one.
it started like shit and it didn't end anywhere better.
they said the person who counted down with you would be with you for your whole life, because 1314.
yep read it in chinese.
idk if i want the person who counted down with me to be with me 1314 but yep it will need some adjusting to do.
i shall not be depressed most of the times this year as i did last year.
i am going to be a lot happier, more cheerful and wilder.
i am gonna try more things, laugh louder, and not care about what anyone else think.
it sucks, to be like revolving around all the time.
so this time round, let the things revolve around me.
i am going to make things hover and fly around me.
yep you got that right.
i am going crazy lol.
how not to? with all the craziness going around me.
i am supposed to hand in an essay tml morning but my hands are typing so much faster on this post than on the word doc.
okay okay i am just gonna type my notes and hand it in just like that.
too tired to think of anything much.
idw to hate anyone.
i am not going to.
i am going to embrace the kind forgiving me and tell myself to forget all of it.
i can do this i know, i can be forgetful if i want to be.
you told me what you want, i told you what i want.
this is it.
no more chances.
because i don't want to take any more risk.
but then again, maybe i am just saying because i no longer want to break it every time something crops up.
i no longer want to hold it in.
though a lot of times i don't, i am gonna hold in less now.
life can't be that tough.
there are lots of people who may try and affect you, just stuff your middle finger in their mouths and move on. YAY!
yes i am sounding more and more vulgar but people should see how i behave with sebas, i spout vulgarities in almost every single line i say to him.
but i think it's just him and not me lol.
okay goodbye.