a very loooooooong update

because i very much want to update about my life, and so many have happened sooooo idk where should i start. hahahaha i dun even know when i last stopped updating....
okay and i have tons of pictures and i am really unwilling to put them into collages cause i might go crazy doing so but then again if i upload all the pictures i might go crazy waiting for them to be uploaded or maybe not since i can watch my do min joon hehehehehehehe.

erm erm erm okay, i just realised i havent like uploaded proper photos in like about a year?
and there are quite a lot of events that i wanna just jot down before my memory start failing me :( because it's already failing me a little... D:

well well well, i shall start from this year okay? hahahahah if i include last year it will be way toooo much :(

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02 Jan 2014
went to this place with two aunties called kehlim and kimlok hahaha.

WHEELER'S YARD!

well i took this one,

and keh took this one HAHA step one angle.

quite a lot of photos are taken by keh with the artistic feel keke.

mine!

all three of us took pics from the bird's eye view hahaha and we keep taking turns shifting the coffee cups and plates LOL.

it's a very quaint little place and the food was not too bad though okay lah can be better maybe haha.

and i was quite sure not that many people went there before we did but after we went there, sdnly i see a lot of people taking photos in front of the signature blue erm door/gate? HAHA and of course we did toooooo:

my hair was super flat okay dun say liao i very sad hahahaha okay we are forever the lovable aunties hohoho.

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05 Jan 2014
the day mah bitches and i (because i aint no bitch lolol) finally had our christmas celeb and gift exchange! yayyy!
because there are 12 days of christmas (or so i insisted :D) so it was also the last day of christmas!!

finally had maki-san! yay! i love me some soft shell crabs :D

and cher was ade's santa so they supposed to take a selfie w the gifts in ade's hands but i squeezed my head in LOL. 

and tried out different filter keke.

we both had messy hair BECAUSE WE WERE PLAYING IN ST GAMES idk why we din take any photos in st games....

we are the people who are leaving~

and they are the people who are going for dinner together heh.

actually i originally forgot why we took pics separately but yay i remembered and omo we did not take a group picture hahaha.

oh and gt left even earlier so she din take any pic w us :( plus our sick clara :(

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11 Jan 2014
THIS IS THE DAY I ATTEMPT TO MAKE SOME SUSHI!
though i was pretty sure i tried to make some about a month ago but din have anyone to take any photos while i was making them and tay just took some unglams.... thanks ah.

yes you will only see one unglam shot

yum yum there were tamago and lobster salad sushi rolls :Q_____

all with my mentaiko sauce and homemade lychee fizz yumyum!

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14 Jan 2014

OUR DA JIE TURNED 22!! first of our lot!! hehh!

had school so yi and clara bought the cake and we surprised her at sch! :D

cheryl lau being all happy about the cake hahahaha!

 hopped over to necessary provisions for a cuppa ^^

 then we had this very impromptu decision to go over to clara's for some steamboat HAHA and here goes:

HAPPY NOM TIME! and it was our full strength like FINALLY (minus mel tho D:) and everytime we organize someone is always missing and then impromptu everyone can make it.. hahahaha!

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19 Jan 2014

helping tay's fam to sell cny flowers aaaaanddddd i really love this big pot of flowers:

hehehe it is not very obvious but there is cage-like thing on the flowers and there are fake birds all over it OMG WAI SO PRETTAYE!?!?

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21 Jan 2014

THIS MARKS THE DAY THAT I HAD C.O.W. (aka Chefs On Wheels) FOR THE FIRST TIME.

IT STARTED MY TASTE FOR THE SUPER AWESOME BULGOGI RAMEN BURGER.

though i din had the burger my first time, instead i ate their creamy mushroom pasta HAHA cause a lot of the food was sold out by the time we got there.

but i still had the burger and i shall include its picture here hehe.

nomnomnom it wasn't too bad hehe

and now, here comes the bulgogi beef ramen burger!!!

LOOK AT ALL THE JUICE!!
FML i sibei hungry now okay i gonna go eat my dinner soon aft i finish all these.
i am still at january okay jiayou me hahaha.

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24 Jan 2014

the day we officially celebrated cheryl's bday hahahaha and passing her her bday gift!!

MAH SELFIE hahahaha.

went to griddy waffles for some desserts?

cannot rmb if we took photo at our dinner but i dun have any pics lah haha.

HAPPYGIRL92 W HER NEW WATCH!

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29 Jan 2014

tay's bday is on the next day, but it was cny eve so we celebrated on this day hehe.

MY OOTD! hahaha haven wore this dress since.. lol.

since valentines was coming they had these pretty decors haha. two girls approached us to take their pics and so they helped us hehe. we actually took like quite a lot :x

oh we had lunch at the sushi bar at far east but i only remembered about taking photos halfway through our meal soo.. :(
and then for dinner we went to East 8 New York Fusion Tapas + Bar ^^

this is their really cute menus and there were different designs WAHWAHWAH O.O

we sat for awhile before realising that a 'bottle of flowers' represents reservation!
and it's super cute w the name on it hahaha it's my name! :D

erm we drank it like tea but it's their on-the-house drink hehe.

do you see that very cute raspberry fizzy jelly drink? keke it's mine and it comes in two cups so i gave one to tay. idk why it comes in two cups either hahaha.

wooooooo beeeeeef.

sophisticated pics taken by yours truly HAHAHA.

a pretty rainbow came to join us for our meal~

tay's bday 'cake' arrived! it is actually a chocolate bar in a pan and it's super creamy and yummy and it's only for bdays i think hehe.

the candle was 'humming' the happy bday tune hahaha.

making a wish,

blowing candle,

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31 Jan - 02 Jan 2014

okay basically the cny period, and i was looking at the photos in the folder and i saw this,

LOL i think sebas was wishing me a happy cny? LOL

and i wasn't willing to lose in the category of ugly faces and so:

okay show you my real chio look,

HAHAHAHAHAHA i think i was taunting him.

anyway, on the first day of cny, we went over to tay's side first and he is sleeping in the room..

and we were the only ones hiding inside.... piggggg.

okay the awake shot haha.

went over to xueli jie's hse and erm not everyone is in this photo hahaha toooooo many people.
and steamboat!! *-* i love steamboats.

and mum requested a lot of shots...

for cny day two,

it's obvious who is the odd one out right LOL i am a mean sister.

headed over to ahma hse first :D

the sibei relaxed man w the chair that everyone wants haha.

 where you looking at? HAHA

headed to tay's side and played w his baby cousin omo wai so cute!?

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okay okay that's all for january and i will stop here now because i am really very hungry okay will probably continue the feb post tml hehe okay bye!!! :D

just wanna post a picture here,

a wink because i can HAHA.
okay bye.

up till now, i still cannot decide whether to study at night or in the morning, so i am always wandering between sleeping early or late.
i love the serenity and stillness of the night and how i look out i see pitch black which empties my thoughts and help me focus, then again i love how the morning smells like, fresh and warm and little bustling noises made by people from downstairs.
from the looks of it i should probably just sleep in the afternoon when the sun is blazing and shines through the window and on me who is studying hard at my study table which is right next to the window making me sweat like crazy. lol. but my sleeping hours will be very crazy D:
or i can just take naps~
okay whatever, i need to finish this article before i sleep. okay goodbye.

my parents told me i don't understand the importance of getting a degree before working,
i told them they don't understand my desire to provide for myself first before considering further studies.
you ask me why?
probably because i feel that my opinions will only matter and i will only be acknowledged AFTER i start earning my keep and provide for this family.
and it sucks to keep trying to get money from your parents when you know they are not that able to. yes i dun just mean my allowance, even my fucking school fees.
you tell me not to worry about money, but to be honest, i can't. because i have been watching how money causing so much problems in the house for how many years? please help me count how many years i have been living in this world thanks.
sometimes all i hope is to be understood, and understand why i do the things i do, and how i think.
i really hate money matters, and i have always sworn to myself that i will earn enough money to support myself even after i get married.
i really hate the problems that money causes, or should i say human beings are the root of all these evil?
yes, we are not fucking poor, but do you know how i feel when i see the face you have when i get money from you?
i think, one line my dad told me when i was young affected me a lot.
he said, 'if you want me to stop smoking, then you have to wait till you start providing for this family, then when we start using your money, i will listen to you as to how to spend your money. now i am spending my money, so you can't tell me how to spend my money, right?'
yup i can't.
i initially wanted to put this up on facebook in the hopes that my parents will read it and hopefully understand how i feel for once.
but i guess, you aren't supposed to wash the dirty linens of your family in public eh?
this is also the public, but it's still a lot more private than facebook.
and perhaps even though i am writing this here, i am still hoping that they will discover it.
i really hate studying now, hate how it is interfering with me getting on with my life.
fuck this shit.

renting a room.

thinking of moving out to live.
this must be the umpteenth time that this thought came to my mind.
and how my friends all volunteered to lease me the spaces in their homes hahaha.
and also why i have been pestering tay to get a house, and i wouldn't mind staying there by myself, because i really just want some space.
this would definitely come true in 2-3years' time, because i will make it come true.
at the very least i would be where i want to be.
should i rent a room? but staying alone in a room with other people in the house poses its risks too? :/
i might not actually have that privacy i was looking for.
i think i am a loner at heart.
maybe i just need a cosier home, with less clutters and things.
may i get out before i really suffocate.

the one song that never fails to calm my mind, heart and soul.

to my tao,

tay showed me this performance by a contestant on chao ji ou xiang (super idol) and she sang this song and it was so touching and beautiful and all i thought of was you, and i couldn't help but tear so much when i heard it.

i started tearing at the line 'it's not that i must have you back', which is quite true.

because sometimes i can continue living without you here, but when i start flipping some memories, and then they come gushing out at one go.. 

suddenly i dk what to do..

do you feel me missing you?

so so so so badly that i wanna punch everyone for taking you away.

it sucks to feel that your life has been so cruelly cut short, or am i just being very selfish to want you here with me till the end of my time in this world?

sometimes when i feel like just moping around, i will think of you and make myself try harder, tell myself that i want to continue living for you, but then again i dk how to do it..

i miss your voice, your laughter, your everything..

i want to pinch your face and then laugh at your mole asking why you have a fly on your face.

i want to knock your head with my knuckles like how you always do to me.

i want to hear you talk about how we used to fight and you can never believe that i bit your big toe aft you taunt me to.

are you missing me as i miss you?

i really want to believe in afterlife, after you are gone.

are you doing well with ahgong and ahma?

let them know i miss them too..

some heartaches just never go away..

and you are one of mine..

and i looked for the vid for the performance..

when i want to have a good cry, i guess i would be here :)

it caught me, again.

Somehow the crying bug caught me and it's been bugging me tonight.
I have actually spent a cheerful day but the last part of it reminiscing the past w clara reminded me of so much.
There are not just miserables, but also happinesses.
(Yes I created those words lol but you get what I mean!)
Sometimes I look at the future thinking of it as the future and then suddenly, I am in the future.
I guess this is what they mean by time flying past.
I guess this is why we should not look too far back in the past or too far ahead in the future, because it is far more important to decide how you want to spend now.
Reminiscing serves as a reminder of all the things we have done wrong and right, and tells us of all the experiences that we had.
Imagining the future gives us a ray of hope as to the surprises we are going to get tomorrow.
I must always remember that 'we will always have our own time to live every single age and not envy others, be it young or old.' (As adapted from 'Tuesdays with Morrie' by Mitch Albom heh.)
I have had my time of being 5, 10, 16, and 18 years old. Soon, the sweet 21 years old me will be leaving too.
Perhaps I should learn to say goodbye, as I flip through every chapter of my life, I need to say goodbye to everyone in my life as I know them at 21, so I can know them again when I am 22. :)
Saying goodbye is probably not as bad as what people think, and it is important because life is so unpredictable.
I used to think that 'these only happen to other people', but I stopped being so naive ever since ortao's accident.
When you see someone so close leaving this world with no time to say goodbyes, I want my closest people to know how much I love them, having this here would remind them that.
And doing this after every chapter of my life might be very necessary,  for it not only gets me prepared, it helps me face my deepest and truest feelings to the lovely people around me.
I actually thought of these while I was bathing, and had a speech that just came out flowing out of my mouth without thinking much.
Yes I actually had a speech in the bathroom with the toilet bowl as my audience, and I cried as I said it.
Perhaps it was because it was my truest feelings, it touched even myself. Lol.
I am not touched by my own words, but rather, the gratitude I felt towards my loved ones as I recall all that they did for me, despite me for being me.

I am not the nicest person in the world, not the best daughter, sister, girlfriend, friend, granddaughter, niece, cousin.. I have always spoken my mind, so much so that it probably hurt a lot of people around me, and yet I am the only one who didn't notice that. I very often spoke without thinking, and I know it's a big problem. I will change, for you, and for me. I am grateful to my parents, who gave me a lot of their firsts. It was my first time being someone's child, as to theirs being someone's parents. It was my first time learning how to talk, and their first to teach their child how. It was my first time eating by myself, and their first to guide their child's hands. As I faced all my firsts, I forgot how it was like to be their firsts, too. I am sorry to have blamed you for many things, for I forgot that as lost as I am, you are lost too. I am grateful to my sisters, for they showed me that I have always to hold my stand, be firm and be that reliable person they need. They taught me strength, and that will hold me together, throughout my life. Most of all, they gave me a shot at being a little parent, and showed me the wonders of life as I watched them grew. Life is just so beautiful and magical. Who knew the little chaps who used to totter around behind me would grew up to be almost as tall as me? Though still not as tall haha. I am than9kful for tay, for showing me that some things are meant to be held back, and that not everyone have the same values as me, and that doesn't mean that I should disrespect their values. My friends all have the similar traits and values as me, and that's probably why they are my friends, and you showed me how vastly different people can be, and we should learn how to agree to disagree, esp with regard to our differences. Thank you for being the exact opposite of me, and showing me that different world I would otherwise be unable to see. Thank you for showing me patience, and I hope I can master that in the future. I am grateful towards my cousins and aunts and uncles, for doing their utmost to guide me along the way, becoming the extra 'siblings' or showing me the different walks of life. Esp xiao gu, for trusting in me and who I am, and always remembering me when you buy things and all our little chats about life. I am grateful to my ahgong and ahmas, and perhaps also the ahgong I have never seen, thankyou for not seeing me as just another grandchild despite the many grandchildren you have. Thank you ahma for always loving me, the warmest pats on the hands, the stuffing of money, the little hugs. Thank you ahma and ahgong, tho you have both left, but I will always rmb how you never forgot me even if I missed the visit to your place, asking mum to tabao my fave food back for me, rushing around to make me milo, pour me soft drinks, hurrying to get towels aft we played in the rain. Thank you to my grandparents for treating me like a little princess, even after I had grown up. I am grateful to my friends, who always looked upon me as a little girl, despite me being the eldest kid at home. Always trying their best to protect me from any harm and hurt. Always looking out for me. Sorry for my blunt and harsh words sometimes. And sorry for the nonsensical things that I do and say. Sorry for how sometimes my brain just works a little slowly, and for the endless questions and whys I have in my curious mind. Thank you for trying to know and understand me. Thank you for all the laughters and smiles. Thank you for trying to be there for me.

Okay this is my goodbye for this chapter of my life.
I have learnt a lot, and realised what I have to improve on.
I finally understood that it is not changing who I am, but striving to become the better me.
I await for a better tempered me lol. Please don't say it's impossible.
For I still believe that the world is magical, and you should too, looking at all these beautiful things and people around you.
See how magical it is that we grow so tall from so short and how we can see rainbows and fly up to the skies and how we can hear melodies.
There is too much magic around us that we neglect. For the most magical thing is that we actually are born in the same time period so we could meet and create all these beautiful memories. :')
This is for me, and most of all, you.

for when i need a break,

whenever i feel so overwhelmed by life and the things in it, i just drop by tumblr and submerge in my fangirl self in shinee gifs and pictures. and looking at their retarded acts and smiles just make me smile and then i fall into this world of just smiles and plain happiness with no worries. it's like a little internet getaway for me. hehe.

HAPPY

I HAVE BEEN VERY HAPPY RECENTLY AND I NEED TO BLOG ABOUT THE DETAILS ASAP BUT I AM STUCK W SCHOOLWORK AND I CANT FINISH BY TML WHICH IS THE 2ND LAST CLASS FML DK IF I CAN FINISH IT BY TUE OKAY BYE I WILL BE BACK LIKE ERM SOON!! SO I CAN BE APPRECIATIVE TO THE LOVELY PEOPLE AROUND ME HELLO I LOVE YOU ALL OKAY PARDON THE LACK OF PUNCTUATION I AM USED TO PRESSING THE SHIFT KEY WHILE TYPING IN CAPS SO I CANT EXACTLY TYPE FULLSTOP WITH THE SHIFT KEY PRESSED LOL OKAY BYE!

my baby.

nope i am not talking about tay here.
nor am i talking about my two penguins lol.
i am also not announcing any pregnancy or marriage.
just wanted to come here and talk about this dream i had two nights back and in the dream, i gave birth to this extremely cute and chubby baby and it din hurt at all (maybe cause i was dreaming) and i dun actually rmb giving birth lol.
i just rmb i was about to give birth then boom the baby's there and i opened my eyes and i was at this huge house with everyone surrounding me congratulating me and i was carrying my baby.
and i laid the baby in his cot (it's a he. i just know even though he is wrapped in a white cloth instead of blue or pink) and walked around looking at everyone and then everyone swarmed to the baby as i walked around in my huge house (did i mention it was huge? okay i did twice lol).
then i walked back into the room where my baby is and everyone was commenting how his eyes looked like mine and ohmy it really does look like mine and i was just very very happy and i still rmb bits and pieces of the deco and the layout of the house.
tay asked me who was there, and i couldnt actually recognise anyone? :/
and he kept asking me (everytime i bring up this dream) if he's the father (HAHA) and my answer was yes, at least i really think it's him hahaha. (you know how you always forget your dream once you wake up)
and when i woke up and looked at him HE ACTUALLY HAS THE SAME EYES AS THE BABY okay i dk anymore.
i cannot forget about the dream because of how happy i was in the dream and i just love being so happy and surrounded that people i love and love me.
:')
i think maybe i just want a party or gathering where EVERYONE i love is there.
it will probably come true when i get married tho hahaha.
okay i love that baby alr and i love my dream and i hope i will love my life even more. ^^
the dream will either become a future of mine or it was a scene in my past life hahaha kbye.

i need something out of the norm.
i dun want to go out to just go to the movies, or eating, or shopping.
okay i definitely need to eat but i dw just that.
i dw st games/playnation either, it's just becoming wayyy too often.
a k session is probably not too bad? but i want something newer.
probably like a picnic? a visit to the museum? ice skating/cycling?
i just need to do something new.
so i would stop feeling sick of everything.
i should probably go for a swim as well...
been wanting to go swimming but i havent for the longest time :(
i need to feel the water surrounding me and just feel the free body movements again.
i just want to do something more out of the norm.
the norm for me i mean.
oh sigh.
please make some adventures for me and you to venture in.

i need to stop coming here when i feel dejected so i would no longer feel so down everytime i come here.
it totally defeats the purpose of using this blog url right.
thinking too much is really detrimental.
i need some pill that can stop me from overthinking.
some relaxant maybe? haha.
am i becoming depressed?
or have i always been depressed?
always easily irritable.
or is it just that my menses are here so i couldn't control those evil hormones from wrecking me inside out?
so annoying annoying.
i am annoying.
i think of myself and wonder why i do the things i do.
uh huh.
i should probably create another blog to put all those negative emotions inside so this blog will be able to keep its little amount of happiness left.
the only happy part is our happy faces on the left sidebar.
okay no there are more happiness to it.
let's go i know i can do this. i have to do this.

forgive to release yourself.
it's been hard on you.
release all those grudge you have been bearing.
live the carefree life.
you can do it, i believe in you.
stop being hard on you.
it's not about them, but yourself.
remember, it's you.
let it go, let it go.
nobody cares or even knows about the grudge that you hold.
so there is no point anymore.
you are the only one flipping it over and over again in your head.
so what's the point?
let it go, let it go.
set yourself free, so you can smile genuinely again.

i wish i have more trust.
it's tough to not be able to trust.
is it because i am unable to trust myself?
yes i havent started studying... kbye.

i need to actually start doing things..
for starters, i shall go off to do some studying.
kay bye.

Young, wild and free.

Broke a few my of virginities ytd.
I ate a cherry for the first time (yes dun judge),
I kind of smoked a puff though I din breathe it in like I am supposed to and it tasted bitter and horrible (yes dun judge either lol and I am not sure if I will try a second time w the breathing in part but yea),
I took a motorbike ride (and screamed everytime shannon perry accelerated ohmy the adrenaline rush is no joke. One word: shiok!).
I thought I had done more first times but for now I cant rmb much.
Might be the alcohol (not much tho) or company but I kind of enjoyed myself and letting myself be wild and free.
Haven't screamed for some time because I was having so much fun (on the bike and also swing where arvin and I had a competition hahahah).
Super full with our zichar by the sea and it was so great just enjoying the sea breeze (not the freezing gale we were facing at ecp ahahaha).
Lying on top of monkey bars to read stars (astronomy kids hehe) and finding north south east west haha.
It reminded me of the times when I was younger when my dad would bring me downstairs almost every night to the park and just lie on the benches and watch the stars and chat.
Tho we have our dear (kind of) disabled tay it was great to have him leaning on me and needing my support (physically) so much for the first time.
Ah another first time there.
:') it was a great night nevertheless.
Thankful for his friends who included me so much and even in the trip they wanted to plan. :')

food for thought

Read an article online, and sdnly find that older guys are not that bad afterall.
Maybe not alllll older guys, but those more mature and dun see fooling around as a hobby anymore.
When I say older, I dun mean like one, two yrs older. Perhaps at least 5 yrs older?
Someone who has seen much of this world and would look at 'me' (hypothetically) seriously.
He would teach me about this world and what he experienced.
He would know what it is like to go through everything, happy or not.
He has gone through enough to know that communication and personal interaction with people around him is of utmost importance.
He would know when to say no, and hold onto his countless principles because he just knows what is right or wrong.
Preferably, this man would have the patience to show me what he have got to know from this world.
Hmmmmmm okay this sounds like having a dad. Tho you are more likely to listen to your boyf over your dad.
Hmmm okay im a little disgusted to continue.
Anyway not talking abt me because I like to be the one in control.
Sorry but I must be the one dominant in the relationship lolol.
Okay bye.

listening to those old songs you used to listen and let those memories and emotions flow through your whole body from head to toe.
singing them out loud and not caring about the world for a moment.
i like this.

my journey.

Running w tay last night and I got overloaded w so much thoughts that I din have the mood to continue anymore.
He continued the run alone and I started to ponder while enjoying the alone time.
I started thinking on this journey of mine.
The journey of life.
I have no idea exactly how long I have left in front of me, and I just keep walking.
Maybe I should do some meaningful stuffs here and there but what is meaning?
Isn't it just smth intangible that people hold onto to be hopeful?
I started searching inside, the deepest layers.
How do you really feel?
I realised I am someone very bad at expressing myself, but I keep trying anyway.
And I hate silence, I need some noise or smth all the time.
I wonder what it be like if we made different choices.
I talk to myself a lot, I reenact scenes that happened and think of the things I should have said or did instead, smtimes in public.
And then I get dirty looks from people and realise that I have been acting out the whole time, facial expressions included.
Retarded but I kind of like this kind of interactions w myself.
I will be great in the future.

HAPPY MOMENTS.

okay not that i have any to share as of now......
okay no actually i think i definitely do feel happy every now and then.....
but does it seem so small and insignificant that i no longer want to write them down?
i rmb smth happy happened, and tay said i could write this down and feed my happiness monster, and that's when i rmb this project of mine.
and i forgot to review it at the end of 2013.
but what i know clearly, is that i failed to continue feeding it after the first half of the year...
yes i am guilty of that..
should i start over anew?
yes i should.
i am gonna fill it up with happy moments again, and also to count more blessings.
i am very blessed, yes i know i am very blessed.
i am very blessed to be able to live in this world, and having many things that others merely dreamed of.
i am very blessed to have so many people loving me, despite me going cray cray sometimes.
i am very blessed to have all the materialistic things i have.
i will continue to be grateful, and persist in the choices i make.
even though idk what to do in life, what i want from life, what i love and what i dislike, i will continue moving on and explore.
yes explore is the word.
explore more and more and more, experience more things, and discover new interests.
yup.
i will do that.
please cheer me on from behind, i know you will. :)
let me fly high and far, and soar through the clouds.
and i know that when i look back, there are all the happy and loving faces pushing me on.
go go go!

back to this senseless space,

where i pour out my senseless thoughts and random rants.
feeling very tired, somehow, emotionally > physically.
maybe it's this lethargy that i have been carrying around and hiding inside of me.
it's always been in one drawer and before i realised it, i have chests of drawers staring back at me containing them.
i am not a saint.
i have more weaknesses than anyone could imagine, and i know them all, but still choose to keep them hidden.
i have a violent tendency, when i get pissed, i wanna slap/stab/push/kill somebody.
i would always want to destroy smth, if i can't have it.
i have a competitive streak, and want to be the first in everything.
i am very irritable, with a very horrible temper.
i am controlling, for everything must go my way.
i am very selfish, i tell myself to put others before me, but it ain't easy at all.
and people often think that i am this easy-going person who doesn't flare up easily.
oh how wrong.
sometimes, it's weird, but when i start thinking about how life is for me, how meaningless some things are, i feel like letting go.
i dun want to think i dun want to fight in this world.
people say, just do whatever you want, fight for your dreams, be wow-ed by your future.
but the thing is, i dk what i like, i dk what i'd love to do, i dk what i want to do, i dk what would wow me.
idk what is my dream, or if i have any at all.
i think i would wanna find a job in the future, as a pastime.
maybe have a kids or two.
then again, maybe i don't want any at all.
or maybe i don't want to get married.
i don't want to be tied down to a flat plus kids.
and then i look at my parents, i look at the older generation..
i cannot see anybody that i wanna be.
rich? not exactly.
famous? not exactly.
just going on w my simple life and devote my life in fostering my kids? nope.
i want a simple life filled with random adventures.
does this even make sense?
like i am enough of a contradiction self, why is the life i wanted filled with irony too?
and then i'd start thinking, why not end my life while i am still young?
and maybe pretty? or at least prettier than i'd be in 50 years.
and then i'd not have to rack my brains to think, or compare myself with people who are so sure of themselves and the paths they wanna take, such that i feel so minute.
and then i start thinking, maybe i am staying alive so as to not make the people around me sad.
and then i'd think, why not be selfish once.
and these thoughts just get thrown here and there, as a debate erupt in my head, with me fighting against me.
and i have no idea which side is the angel which side is the devil.
or maybe both of them are devils.
maybe my life is a lie, and that when i die, i'd wake up realising this all is a dream and that i belong to a bigger world.
people always say to be intelligent, and not to follow by the books so strictly.
and idk if it's the way i am brought up or the way singaporeans are, that i absolutely dk what to do and i really need someone, anyone, to tell me how to lead my life.
why don't you just teach me?
step by step.
uh huh, after i finish my kindergarten i go to pri sch and then sec sch and then i pick poly or jc and i go to uni then i come out to work and when i find someone i possibly wanna marry or simply because i am already of age so i apply for flat and then wait for it to be approved and then i move in with him and we have kids and we work till they grow up and then i dun even know if we get to retire or not.
but is there another way to live?
why dun you just give us like a lot of lists to choose from?
or like qns, for example:
1. would you like to be a lawyer or a doctor? if lawyer, go to qns 2. if doctor, go to qns 3. if neither, go to qns 4.
and then we'd go on until we know exactly what we want to do.
yes, like a robot.
but perhaps i would very much prefer it that way.
i rmb how i used to hate certain jobs, and then i start to brainwash myself into thinking i am a robot, and thou shalt not think, thou shalt keep on doing whatever i am doing like a robot.
and it kind of works, i mean, i was just focusing on the passing the time till work ends, and nothing else matters.
i am a very lost soul, wandering around with an aim, and not a kind soul either lol or perhaps 'kind' is just a word forged by human beings who wanna make themselves seem like a god/saint.
okay whatever.
i dk what to think anymore.
and i am tired of it.
and i just finished the taeun last ep and i am feeling v sad over that as well.
tho i sincerely hope they keep their r/s secret if they do continue and only reveal when they plan to get married! hohohoho.
okay goodbye.

a new year, a new start.
no, no reccounts this year, because it hasn't exactly been a wonderful one.
it started like shit and it didn't end anywhere better.
they said the person who counted down with you would be with you for your whole life, because 1314.
yep read it in chinese.
idk if i want the person who counted down with me to be with me 1314 but yep it will need some adjusting to do.
i shall not be depressed most of the times this year as i did last year.
i am going to be a lot happier, more cheerful and wilder.
i am gonna try more things, laugh louder, and not care about what anyone else think.
it sucks, to be like revolving around all the time.
so this time round, let the things revolve around me.
i am going to make things hover and fly around me.
yep you got that right.
i am going crazy lol.
how not to? with all the craziness going around me.
i am supposed to hand in an essay tml morning but my hands are typing so much faster on this post than on the word doc.
okay okay i am just gonna type my notes and hand it in just like that.
too tired to think of anything much.
idw to hate anyone.
i am not going to.
i am going to embrace the kind forgiving me and tell myself to forget all of it.
i can do this i know, i can be forgetful if i want to be.
you told me what you want, i told you what i want.
this is it.
no more chances.
because i don't want to take any more risk.
but then again, maybe i am just saying because i no longer want to break it every time something crops up.
i no longer want to hold it in.
though a lot of times i don't, i am gonna hold in less now.
life can't be that tough.
there are lots of people who may try and affect you, just stuff your middle finger in their mouths and move on. YAY!
yes i am sounding more and more vulgar but people should see how i behave with sebas, i spout vulgarities in almost every single line i say to him.
but i think it's just him and not me lol.
okay goodbye.

Perhaps dying in my sleep would be smth good for once.
Like I'd dream of tao and ahma and they'd ask me if I'd like to join them and I say yes and I will just fly to them and leave the world behind.
The way this matter was handled is very distasteful.
And no I don't need any comments or gossips going around, esp not around me.
That's not helping, at all.
All I need is someone to listen and understand, even when I am making jokes about it.

Maybe it's the cold weather,
Maybe it's my period,
Maybe it's the time of the night,
Maybe it's this Christmas period,
Or maybe because I'm feeling unwell.
I am missing you terribly tonight.
And how I wish I can be surrounded by my loved ones and get hugs from everyone.
I probably just wanna feel warmth and love.
I should probably get back to blogging my daily life, or at the very least write down in my organizer.
Need to start penning down my life again before I forget.
People always need reminders for all kinds of things.
I need them too.
Go me.

fuck life fuck this world fuck feelings fuck complications.
fucking hell.

meaning.

i have been trying so hard to put meaning to my life recently.
and it no doubt includes today too, despite the negative underlying meaning that this other day holds for me, i really hoped it to be positive.
got informed this morning that plans today are ruined.. okay suck thumb.
sat around aft praying and burning incense papers for my ahma and did some family bonding and helped the uncles and aunties to catch on the advancements of technology.
mmhmm.
back home, falls back in the negativity veil.
the harder i try to run from it, the harder i fall back on it.
what an irony.
i guess even irony is laughing at me.
the fear is eating into me again.
why is the fear of losing you creeping up to me again when i have already lost you?
miss irony is laughing again.
what a stupid person this is, she says.
and i have no retort for her.
because it's the fact, what can i say?
everyday thinking of HOW to put meaning into my life instead of actually doing it.
i should really start acting instead of thinking..
but i have no motivation no aim no goal.
let's step back again, and take one tiny step again.
please stop wanting to jump across a sea.

time's up?

Sometimes things just get so ridiculous I can only laugh.
Idek how to brisk through it all.
Maybe I just want to stop worrying and thinking.
You make me laugh, in the good way and the bad.
There's a communication breakdown.
Perhaps it happens to ppl like me, who actually do run out of things to say as time passes.
Probably I need somebody who can enjoy the silence with me.
Just wanna sit somewhere, cuddle, then watch as the world goes by and skies turn gray.
Are you capable of doing nothing?
No phone no ds no computer no games.
Just you and me and two chairs. Make that two rocking chairs and perhaps a shawl or two each.
Wasting time? No. Just enjoying.

for some reason, you feel like the love that could have been.
but i guess we probably wouldn't know, for the rest of our lives, like ever.
the way we converse, about our future, our ideal guy/girl, even about me.
there seems to be this complication, this complicated sentiment lying between us.
but i guess we mostly choose to ignore it, that minute awkwardness(?) haha. that's the best i can explain this.

even so, i am so really very glad that we are this close, the friendship we share.
and i am eternally grateful to you, though idk if you will be reading this haha, for accepting all my weirdness and retardness lol.
and you will always be one of my closest friends! kekeke ^^

idk if it's because i have been going out for the past 4 days with my friends which i really thoroughly enjoyed and laughed so much even tho it meant i spent a considerable amount of money and i felt just a little sad about that portion but today i am falling back into the 'i hate everyone kind of mood'.
or maybe it's just cause i din sleep my fill and got woken up by my sis banging the door shut in the process of entering and leaving the room.
IT'S REALLY ANNOYING and i am sure all of you agree. hahahaha.
and so i woke up in a bad mood, which resulted in the anger in me and i flared up in front of my family.
argh.
and then i cleaned out lots of junks in the study room since i am planning to spend lots of time in here today and tho all i did was to move them out of the room into the living room.
most of the stuffs are not mine anyw.
though i doubt the study room looks tidied but at least it has a lot more space now for me to move about in my chair.
really cannot stand junks.
and the lack of space thereof.
i love love love big spaces, like just big empty spaces.
i rmb in the apartment i once lived in, in woodlands, when i was younger, was a 5 room flat.
this meant it had 2 living rooms, or rather a dining room, and i had this huge space to myself.
we used to lie on the floor a lot and roll around and even prance around.
i used to love the current home, wayy before it got sooo crowded with things.
i mean, we used to have less things because we are younger.
but because now we are older, we tend to have a lot more things and things that grow old or out of date and then we get new ones but we never ever throw away the old ones.
for example, i got a new mattress because the old one is 10 years old and the springs mostly broke. (you cannot understand how i suffered all those springs poking me while i slept).
and my mum took like what one week? to decide to throw it out.
and i asked her EVERY SINGLE DAY if i should throw it out.... -_-
because she is always afraid that there would be a use for these things next time.
and that is the problem.
because we have at least like twenty to thirty bags which we haven't seen (because she kept it in this cupboard in my study room and the cupboard was covered in so much junks we cant even open the doors yes im not joking) and thus haven't used in like a few years?
and i talked about throwing them out and my mum was planning to and then my sis said she wanted to use those bags.
ermmm. so my mum kept all those bags but seriously, my sis never took a second look at them after that day -_- what about using them?
they are super ugly because all those leather were coming off, white bags became yellow, and there are weird stains on some of them.
ARE YOU SURE WE CAN EVEN USE THEM? -_-
xueli says her family throws out things which they haven't use or touch for the past 6 months.
well, i think my family have things which are not used or touched for YEARSSSS.
cannot stand this much longer, i would have to clear them out quickly.
JIAYOU ME.

my body.

yes this is how i look like now, no fanciful filters, no make up, no contact lenses, no gorgeous hair, no fashionista clothes and no demure pose.
i have been giving myself all sorts of reasons to doll up myself that i haven't been appreciating how i look like at my worst.
yes now is probably my worst, minus the times when i think of ortao and my ahma and start bawling all over with my even redder nose and swollen eyes.
what happened happened.
and there is no going back.
i am just sitting on the floor in my living room on my yoga mat where i just did some crunches and air cycling and just some plain old workouts that i should probably do more except that it bores me and i find myself thinking of nonsensical things which bring me back here.
i find myself falling in love with make ups, and dressing up.
at times, i cannot be bothered, but there are also times when i just wanna dress nicely and when i do, i never feel comfortable in noticing that people notice me.
i am not very comfortable in my own skin.
i always need to ask for opinions after i am done dressing up, in the same old clothes but i would always ask, does this look okay?
is anyone else like me?
because i kind of have my tops and bottoms paired up and when i change the pairing, i feel so damn insecure, which is what i do all the time because i don't want to wear the same pairing all the time.
yup i have some issues with my body.
i have the tendencies to just keep staring at myself in the mirror, as if the more i look the more my reflection will conform into somebody else.
and i am not even sure if that somebody will even be me.
me me me me.
i am never the skinny girl.
probably because i dun do exercises and i tend to overestimate my appetite, overeating as a result.
i think that's a problem, overeating and not exercising.
and in the case where i dun exactly eat all the healthy food like fruits and vegetables, plus my irregular sleeping hours, i am genuinely starting to worry for my body.
because nowadays, all i do is to just laze around..
i should probably get out more, even just down to the supermarkets.
i probably should just erm walk around more, even in my own house.
i probably should practice some cooking and baking, just so i dun stare at electronic screens all day long.
do something healthy.
breathe some fresh air.
less laziness and procrastination.
yes that's what i need.
but you know what?
i am great at talking about all these, but bad at actually executing them.
because i would never do it, if i were to do it alone.
i would always wait for somebody to actually ask me to do it TGTHR.
yes i am super passive.....
okay idk.
i guess it all boils down to being happy and really comfortable in whatever i do and trust myself more and not others and then being really bubbly and healthy and just jump around and go everywhere more and put in more hearts in treating the people around me right.
okay and the crux in all these, i presume is to be grateful.
grateful grateful grateful.
grateful in whatever i have, and then i will be happier, and then i will gain confidence and thus feel more comfortable and trust myself more and then i will get more bubbly and cheerful and my body will respond to my happiness by becoming healthier and then i would feel all these energies surging through my body and then i would put in more efforts in doing something special for those special. :)

okay.
first up, i am grateful for my family.
i have a complete family, and that is something i ought to be really thankful for.
i have both my parents loving me and being by my side.
i am thankful to have two sisters who always have to bear the brunt of my temper and rants and do things for me because i kind of force them to and despite them fighting back a lot of the times i am thankful for the times which they tolerate and do things for me. :)
i am thankful that all 5 of us are healthy, and we are happy.
i am also thankful that my family starts to go downstairs to have meals tgthr instead of the just tabao back home for everyone so we can actually have family time.
i am also thankful to be able to talk to my family members more and bond more with them. :)

then, i am also thankful to have tay.
he who quarrels with me all the time but yet has to appease me no matter whose fault it is.
and i think we should both start to learn how to agree to disagree, so that we can just accept our differences instead of trying to solve them.
and thank you for always bearing me and my bad attitudes which sometimes even shock myself and yet you still never showed any hurt or bad temper towards me.
thank you for always buying food for me just because i am lazy and thank you for going all kinds of places with me.

i am very thankful for all the friends around me, all the people who always laugh with me, do silly things with me, talk about almost everything under the sun with me, exploring new places with me.
all the times when you listen to my rants, watch me cry, comforted and consoled me in your own ways, play with me, run around with me, lend me your shoulders your arms your everywhere hahaha hehehe i love you.

all the people i love muaks muaks. i am grateful for you and you and youuuuu! ^^

I need to stop being that silly gullible girl who falls for salesmen's tricks.
And pays and buys their stuffs just to get out of there.
I need to be firm and say no much more firmly and just turn my head around and leave the goddamn place without getting swayed.
No playing on personal feelings and letting them tell you what the ppl around you need.
Fuck this shit and fuck them.

life

What do I do when we have opinions and views that are literally on opposite sides regarding a whole lot of issues?
I mean, I have unlimited hope about the future and the potential it holds, but all you have is practicality which leaves no room for imagination at all.
Why are you restricting yourself before we even start is what I cannot understand.
And why am I trying to believe the seemingly impossible is what you cannot understand.
I mean, I am the kind of person who believes that I can become a somebody while you are the kind who thinks that someone else can take up that role.
We are basically two persons from two extremes.
How do I go on trusting about our future when we don't exactly believe in the same one? Even tho there are a lot of similar things that we want in life.
How do we actually live tgthr when our outtakes on life is so so so different?
And none of us is willing to compromise w each other?
I cannot stand your lack of imagination and hate the thought of practicality while you can't stand my impracticality and categorise them all under naivety.
I mean the future has no limits.
Nobody in the 1900s ever thought that we could have Internet which enables us to keep in touch aross the globe so why are you now looking down upon what the future may bring us?
There is invisibility cloaks being researched on and invented as we speak you know.
Soon we can all be harry potters flying on broomsticks for all you know.
I know it all lies in attitude, and idk how we can go back after all these years.
I'd prefer not to think then, like how you always say when I try to be serious.

rushing out my assignment right now,

so i really shouldn't be here..
did my assignment halfway when i realised that i am on the wrong page and had to restart..
okay can...
it's just one qns and in exams, i'm required to finish one qns in like 45mins but now i've spent hours just trying to finish it...
oh well..
argh.

V.O.S's You're Just In A Higher Place

this vid seems long but i made it start at the performance so no worries as you hit that play button.
i wanted this subbed version because the lyrics simply described how I felt this past whole year, even tho I am still crying.. and I just couldn't find any other subbed vid of this :/
their voices which touched me together with the lyrics is just.. indescribable..
My dearests, you're just in a  higher place than me, and I do look up at the sky alot now, believing that you are here with me, just as the lyrics said.
I know that I can't see you again, I know that it was your last breath, but I'm still wandering around looking for you, you're not here anymore..
I know I am just repeating the lyrics.. but it just touched so close to home..
The only difference is that I am still crying, and I'll wait for the day that I stop crying and stop feeling sad..
I want to feel happy for I can smile beautifully for you in our next lives when we find each other..

Technology.

I was coming up here, planning to talk about how Social Media has detached us, but I held that thought, because no, it's not just Social Media, it's Technology.
I am not excluding myself, because in this tech-savvy world, where information has to be obtained in a click, I am, too, caught up in this whirlwind of what we call, technology.
There is this so-called transparency which lured us in.
We think that we know the true selves of people as we look at their profiles on Social Medias.
We think that we know everything, reading and believing every single online article post by human beings who are just like ourselves.
I mean, I understand that there are times when we just resonate with what others feel and say, but not everything, is right.
What I am really trying to say is, hold your own stand, instead of being so quick in believing in others' philosophies.
Is this world making us more individualistic, or more homogenous?
We are basically living almost the exact same lives.
I mean we share our lives, across Social Medias, and we look at things that we can't reach through others' eyes.
and THAT is their perspective, not yours.
I never doubted in the human touch, which I, to be honest, have been lacking recently.
I have been really out of touch.
I was just basically absorbed in myself, and I just look at how my friends are doing through Social Medias.
But is that right?
is that really right?
I tried changing these few days. I tried helping out with the grocery shopping today.
I discussed with my mum about the dinner that she is gonna make today.
I then realised that it has been long since I last talked?
I mean properly talked?
I don't know, maybe I have been so absorbed in myself that there is nothing happening in my life right now, that I don't know what to say anymore, since there is no event which I can talk about.
Nothing happening except more technologies, which includes social media, online games, blogs, vlogs, and many more.
Why the hell am I being so concerned about strangers' lives when there are so many more people AROUND me that I should be caring for.
I talked to my mum a little about her mum, who passed on recently.
It felt kind of good.
I talked to my dad ytd too, showing him a new way of eating bananas which I saw on the Internet (yes, again) and then he talked about his old kampong life which I asked a little about it.
I love my parents, despite how annoyed they make me sometimes, but I guess I should be the one who should be a little more patient.
I will change.
The quarrels in my house, definitely not the best thing to happen.
I hate the arguments so much so that I often join in as an attempt to stop it.
Yes I know, worst decision ever made.
Tonight, I stood out of it.
I was getting pissed at the attitude and tones of voice, but I held my tongue.
I told myself to just stay calm, face the fact that I am angry, and just let go.
Yup a trick I kind of mastered in 'Tuesdays with Morrie' but never exactly used it much.
I look at my sisters.
The youngest one, forever on her phone.
I guess I was wrong in encouraging my parents to get her a phone w data plan.
It just made her hooked on.
I mean, she sacrifices her sleep just to talk to her friends, and then procrastinate on bathing until the wee hours, like until 4-5am until she decides she will not bathe and just go to sleep straight.
Yea I am NOT kidding.
The other sister, perhaps she is a little bit better in this way?
But she, too, places much importance in her friends.
I mean, I used to be like this too, back when I was 17?
The time when I just entered poly and was really deprived of friends because of what happened to me in my secondary school life.
But I soon got all better.
But somehow, it's different now.
I thought with two funerals held in the past one year, having two losses in our family, they'd wake up, just a little, about how family can be the most important sometimes.
Even my dad is addicted to technologies.
I guess only my mum is the only one who is not hooked, since she don't understand much about technologies anyway.
I don't deny that I am kind of hooked too.
After I started playing this new game which I am almost on regularly throughout the day for the past few days, I realised what I was doing and I stopped.
No way am I going to play this game because there is some time thingy and I am logging just to receive more benefits on the game, since those benefits are virtual..
Unless I get real cash if I logged on, or else NO WAY am I gonna let a game dictate how I spend my time.
So, I am gonna stop with it now.
I realised how much time I am spending on social media too.
I think my phone has got to leave me for a while.
I gotta learn to be a little bit more independent.
I shall spend more time on other things, like baking, cooking, studying.
I would love to go out soon too, to go shopping, and eating, but it costs a whole lot more money in comparison hahaha.
and I am not earning anything now so I guess it would be wise for me to try and control for a bit.
My mum talked about how it would be great when I start working and help out in the finances.
I would love that too, and that's why I have always wanted to go out there to work.
Somehow, I have defined working = living.
and that's probably why I have been finding my life mundane and boring.
But I guess that's my problem too.
I am the one letting my own life settle to this really slow pace.
I need to pick myself up a little bit more instead of just sitting around, like how I am doing now.
Heh. I shall go to bed now, and wake up tml trying to change myself a little bit more :)
Goodnight world.

emphathise over sympathise.

I realised why I dislike certain people the way I do, when I found out that I grouped them under the same category other than the people-I-dislike-but-dont-exactly-hate category.
These people somehow give out this negative vibe, at least to me they are this way.
It's not the 'prickly' kind of people where it's hard to get near though I doubt I like this kind of people very much anyway.
But it is the kind of people who are 'holey' instead of 'prickly'.
You get what I mean?
I mean instead of being 'prickly', they are like just there getting pricked and poked and then they have lots of holes there but they instead of filling those holez up they kind of just either pity themselves for being so 'sad' or apologise to the people who pricked them.
Say whaaaaat?
Yes it's retarded this way isn't it?
Erm should I call them having too much self-pity or being too sensitive? Over sensitive yes.
Towards how others see and look at them.
I mean if you are over sensitive about how I have hurt you or pissed you off then I'm honestly fine w that.
But if you are over sensitive about how I feel when you pissing me off then that's a whole new thing.
Oh and self-pity is one of the worst attribute anyone could have.
Idk if self pity equates to low self esteem or confidence but I do have times when I have the latter but I dun rmb if I have actually pitied myself before.
I do scold myself, but mostly to make myself stand up again.
Self-pity, in my opinion, gives off the worst negative vibe everrr.
Nobody likes negative people because of their negative vibe.
And that's what pity does. Even towards others.
Empathise over sympathise.
Mm hmm.

A NEW LIFE?

okay, so I am gonna try to start living a generally healthier life, changing some of my habits bit by bit.
this means a more balanced diet and exercises incorporated into my daily life.
i know very well that my health isn't exactly at its peak and i'm still doing well because i am still young yeah!
but i guess i should stop abusing my body anymore.
:(
those who know why i am trying to change will know LOL.
yes i am obsessed over that test now.
and hopefully that this resolution of mine will finally last.
discipline discipline come to meeeee!

i should stop trying so hard.

i should really stop trying so hard to:

• please others.
• define myself and who i am.
• plan my life.
• try to control my life and everything that happens around me.
• not being unhappy or miserable.
• make others go my way.
• fight against everything that i hate.
• dread all the unhappiness that might or might not happen to me.

i should probably just go with the flow.

stay happy and contented and then good things will just happen.

make every moment count.

and blog more.

i really love how blogging sorts out my thoughts.

and i should probably write more in my organizer.

keke.

despite my fats, i feel a lot lighter these days.

all i need to do is to be carefree and worry-free lalala~

dance about and i only need to worry about what should i have for my next meal :D

physical touch.

I love physical touches.
I love leaning on my friends' shoulders and hooking their arms.
In the five love languages, physical touch ranks the highest in my list if I didn't remember it wrongly.
Yes there is a test for it and I did it before and posted the results here too hahaha.
And I'm so v glad that we are holding hands a lot more often now.
We are like holding hands almost all the time and it's so very very very comforting somehow.
Altho partly it means that you have no hands for your phone hahahaha okay just kidding but I actually half mean it but I mostly focus on the fact that we are just holding and playing w each other's hands/fingers.
There is just this familiarity that is unspoken and there is this chemistry between us where no words are exchanged but yet we said everything.
Or it might be the romantic side of me coming out trying to give meanings to every little action hahaha.
Result of too much dramas~
Just grateful about friends family and tay these two days since it's the two days when I managed to spend time w all 3.
I am loved and so are you. ♡

exhaustion.

And I dont even know where this exhaustion I am feeling comes from.

Maybe it's cause I'm not focusing on anything at all?

There is just so much things going through my mind at any one time that it seems to be flipping faster than a flipbook.

I have so many thoughts unsorted out because I myself am confused. 

This is probably the main reason why I am so fickle minded and indecisive, for I can change my mind in a blink.

I can't really concentrate and I guess wanting to achieve a lot of things at one go isn't that possible afterall.

I should just take it slow and relax and be confident about life.

But I'm finding myself compartmentalizing such that I can separate my emotions from me.

I'm starting to look at my emotions from a third party pov and trying to find a rational reason why I feel the way I do.

I know it's dumb because there is nothing rational about feelings but I guess I am just trying to justify the actions caused.

I always forgot that thinking is not enough. I need actions. 

I shouldn't be waiting around waiting for a RIGHT time to do something.

I will nv know when is the right moment ever coming.

I need to act act act.

Do something to change this.

It's all in my hands.

some personal touch.

it's been REALLY long since i last had a proper phone call.
by 'proper' i mean a htht over phone.
and i'd like to thank the lovely adeline toh who reminded me how nice it is to have a long chat once in a while.
it seems like a break from all the greetings through social media.
plain text can never replace real human voice.
a voice with tones and shrieks and exclamation and highs and lows.
:') grateful.

The glass of water.

i saw this text on twitter and could instantly relate to it,

A psychologist walked around a room while teaching stress management to an audience. As she raised a glass of water, everyone expected they'd be asked the 'half empty or half full' question. Instead, with a smile on her face, she inquired: 'How heavy is this glass of water?'

Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz.

She replied, 'The absolute weight doesn't matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it's not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I'll have an ache in my arm. If I hold it for a day, my arm will feel numb and paralyzed. In each case, the weight of the glass doesn't change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.'

She continued, 'The stresses and worries in life are like that glass of water. Think about them for a while and nothing happens. Think about them a bit longer and they begin to hurt. And if you think about them all day long, you will feel paralyzed - incapable of doing anything.' 

Remember to put the glass down.

recently, all i wanna do is to laze and mope around.
i do absolutely nothing for the whole day and feel exhausted somehow.
yes, i have been thinking a lot, and i din even realize the stress i am giving myself through all these worries about life.
i kept telling myself to not think too much into the future so far ahead, but yet i can't help myself.
now, i suppose i should put that glass now.
i should let go of these worries and stresses.
i should not let them dictate my life.
i can do better than that, i am better than that.
leap of faith is what i need to do now.
all i can do now is to trust in myself and the decisions i make.
i will will myself to be so much happier.

it will get better.

i promise everything will get better.
so don't worry.
it sucks to see so many negative posts.
smile more.
yes you already do. but even more.
laugh a whole lot more.
do so many silly things that makes you want to laugh at yourself.
so what?
just laugh.

fix it or break it?

back here again, emo-ing.
what's new.
tears are coming, flowing down again.
oh really?
i feel so tired on so many levels, that, i don't know where to begin.
i want to be a baby again.
with no memories, no emotions other than happy and sad.
but i guess this is life.
there is no restart button.
you can't just erase everything that is unhappy in your life.
imagine how empty that would be.
if you have to actually lose your memory.
sometimes i feel so tired about life, and then i try to express somewhere and then people come and talk to me about it.
don't get me wrong.
i'm really grateful for all the people who care.
and there's always this little but.
i would have to be strong.
because when i'm in a heap of misery, i'm just a pile of something, or maybe nothing.
we all live for others, we really do.
but when people hurt you, all you want to do is to hurt them back, ten times worse.
even if this is not the case for you, it's the case for me.
sometimes, it's not ten times worse, because emotional pain can never be comparable to physical ones.
you know when you are just so overwhelmed by it you can't even cry?
there is this detached feeling you feel.
like the real you is a step behind, staring at you facing all these things, or even scolding/beating up the person who did you wrong.
you feel so empty and filled with anger at the same time.
it's so weird how human beings are able to feel all these.
it's like how my tummy is growling out of hunger now but at the same time i have no appetite for anyth at all.
using physical pain to cover up for emotional pain is stupid i know.
and i guess i'd just have to find a way to vent it out somehow.
if i shouldn't punch myself, then can i punch others?
a punching bag.
oh i suppose i should go learn some muay thai?
so i can punch and kick the hell out of something/someone.
and then nobody would judge me for being violent.
or maybe i should look for smthing to do which makes me happy?
like dancing and prancing around like a mad woman while singing loudly (and horribly) without caring about pitch or whatsoever.
you know how taylor swift prance around like a madwoman in her mv 'you belong with me'?
my sis once said it's like how i dance at home sometimes.
and i haven done that silly childish thing for a long time.
i should probably do it again.

I'm a cheat.

had this random chat with tay while sitting around and waiting for our movie time tonight (or technically last night).
i think it has been really long since we last had a real talk.
i was telling him about how i have been feeling like all i do now is to survive, instead of living.
a better phrase in chinese is 得过且过.
and i feel like i have been cheating life, or rather myself.
i have been subconsciously telling myself that if i don't see it, time doesn't pass.
but it does.
it's almost the end of 2013 and i am not proud of myself so far at all.
all the big words i said at the start of this year, i doubt i have even achieved even 10% of them.
i have been just going around with the motions of life.
and i can't seem to discipline myself, or this is probably just an excuse again.
i love finding excuses for myself, one big fault of mine.
i need to fix myself.
but i won't and then time will pass again.
i don't even know what i am afraid of.
i just keep waiting for the time when i will miraculously be able to do everything and know everything, instead of learning or trying it out NOW.
NOW is the word.
do it NOW.
there is no better time than NOW.
but yet i just want to lie and mope around and do absolutely nothing at all.
oh great.
it starts tomorrow.
that's what i tell myself everyday.
fts it's 2am i can only start tml.
argh stop procrastinating.
okay goodbye.

stuck, forever.

have you ever touched your face after tearing/crying?
do you feel that same stickiness i did on your face where tears has rolled down?
these tears seem to be the underlying feelings or emotions you have for a certain person.
even if the cause is a drama, it meant that you are able to relate due to a specific someone.
and the sticky aftereffect seems to be telling you how you will be stuck to that person, forever.
the feelings you have felt will never go away, since it already happened.
and the memories you share w that someone will always be there.
memories are the most most most precious belonging anyone could have.
and this is probably why i fear dying, because i fear that i would forget all these memories that i have now, if i were to reincarnate aft i die.
i would never want to forget anything.
and i am trying my best to note them down as i go along in my life.
it is really important to me.
and to you, i will always remember you.
there are so much memories we share that it seems to be overflowing.
i promise that i will forever treasure these memories, as proof that you were alive, with us.
it still hurts that you are no longer here to create more memories, and be prepared to receive scoldings from me when i see you next time.
i miss your voice and your smell and your touch.
i still remember how i dare not touch you when i first saw you in that state.
i guess i was afraid of that cold touch where i would have to admit that fact.
up till now, honestly, i still want to run from that reality.
but i will learn to live with it.
i will be able to do so, but that doesn't mean you will be forgotten.
i love you, forever and always.

I absolutely hate being disappointed.
This is why I hate changing of plans.
You dun even know how much I have been looking forward to it till you push me down the cliff into the valley of disappointments.
And as I free fall I desperately reach out but you dun grab me, because you din even realise it.
And when I scream, you look at me like I'm unreasonable.
It's not good to be over-sensitive, but it's not good to be under-sensitive too.
You din even realise how many times you have done it, and all the while I was just waiting for you to feel apologetic and tell me that you wun fly me another kite no more.
Yes this is considered as that.
Making plans aft you've agreed w me is not cool at all yo.
You just seem to see past my black face and only hear me saying 'okay?'.
I'm not agreeing w you, I'm asking you if you are sure you are doing this to me.
Or are you just too busy playing games or replying whatsapp on your phone that you dun see me anymore?
Where is the person who complained about me being on my phone too much?
I have actually cultivated the habit of keeping my phone in my bag most of the times when I'm w you.
Smartphone and technology has deprived us of so much personal touch and feelings that we are starting to think that we have none.
I really miss the past where ppl interact irl more.
I do appreciate a call every now and then.
Nothing else but just talking and laughing.
Complaining whining reassuring listening comforting stupid lame jokes what's that noise over there what's that sound goodnight I'm getting tired why dun you wait for me to hang up first.
It seemed better when you were in europe. At least we treasured every phone call we could have. Every audio clip every picture every video.
You may think this is a complaint but im just trying to be heard, testing if there's any chance I'm louder than your dota and diablo.

i have not been updating my life much.
well, there is nothing much to update.
i dun feel alive most of the times.
just going through the motions.
there is this growing resentment in me that i have ignored but eventually (now) i have to admit its existence.
i want to fight somebody so bad.
i want something so negative to happen to me so i have a legit reason to cry all day and night.
i want to just keep crying.
where has the cheerful jiale gone to once again?
i recognise that this is a gradual change.
there was a buildup, but i pretended it wasn't there.
and now that it is so great in me that i couldn't pretend anymore.
i feel so hateful towards this world, which don't seem to listen, and cooped up in their own individual greeds and demands.
i want to scream at people, for not being kind enough for not being gracious enough.
but then again, i should probably look at myself.
i'm not that great either.
and then i want to scream at myself.
i want to scream at everybody else.
i want to scream at the sea at the road in the mrt in the bus.
i want to push everyone away and jump into the sea.
i want to submerge into the water and dissolve into bubbles and melt away.
i want to become the wind, blowing past people.
i want to become the sun, shining so bright.
i want to become nature, all because i don't want to think no more.
all the fighting over every single scarce resources in this selfish world.
i don't want to plan my life, i want to live my life.
but there is this stupid structure in which if we don't follow, we will die.
or is this just a myth?
i hate everybody i hate you.
i hate all that go against me because yes i'm always right.
i am an extremely self-centred person.
well, admit it, most people would think they are always right.
when you point at my nose and call me wrong because of your own pov, isn't it because you think your pov is more 'right' than mine?
i want to punch somebody so hard in the nose that i yell in pain.
so hard that my knuckles feel that they are breaking.
i don't want to do what is socially right or politically right.
i don't want to do something i dislike in order to do something i like in the future.
i don't believe in this compensation shit.
i want my own space my own place.
i'm reaching my limits soon.
i'm no longer telling people how i really feel now.
is this part of maturing/growing up?
if so, i can tell why everyone doesn't want to grow up.
if not, then i suppose i need a cure somewhere somehow.
i hate people who tell me this and then do another thing the next moment.
i hate you now, for lying to me and then making a promise to somebody else.
don't bullshit me with your talk.
it's not going to work.
i hate you.
so fucking much.
yes right now.
you fucking suck.
it's not the first time this happened.
i'm at my limits.
it doesn't matter how much you tolerated me for all my fucked up attitude.
because they are not the same.
i said i don't believe in this compensation shit.

everyone lives in the same way;

All of us feel afraid, scared, lost, sad, miserable, uneasy, worried, unsure, happy, exhilarated, excited, contented, hopeful, etc etc.
It's just that the amount of each may differ for each person.
But knowing that everyone feels the same way makes you less lonely somehow, right?
We all live the same way, it's just how we keep ourselves alive.
This seems like a big dream but I want to reach out to the highest number of people possible and inject them the greatest positive energy and feelings.
Idk how I'll be going about doing this but I'm sure I'll achieve it somehow.
Now hwaiting for the baby steps!

time is ticking,

and days are passing by one by one.
something is missing.
is my soul there?
am i living the life or just going through this routine?
i want to learn something, but yet i can't get my butt down to do it.
i should be studying for a bit, but i can't stop my fingers from typing into my phone and mac.
and i'm not even exactly looking for anything.
all i am doing is to refresh twitter, refresh instag, type nonsense into the address bar.
i don't even know what i am doing.
i am just passing through the motions, putting absolutely no thoughts into my actions.
i kept thinking of the future, of what it might bring me.
is that wrong?
should i start thinking about the present instead?
for every present moment is the future moment of the moment that only just passed.
i should start sitting down and do up a plan eh?
so that i would have no excuse for myself to procrastinate and getting distracted by erm.. nothing at all.
getting so very sick by social media.
the one that i use the most is instagram.
probably because i like the idea of looking at beautiful pictures and each picture do speak a thousand words, albeit the crazily long captions and the hashtags that makes my eyes go #_#
STTTTTOOOOP.
i just want to look at beautiful things and i probably should unfollow 'friends' which make me ponder whether i should like their photo for the sake of liking or proof that 'yea we are friends'....
i need to stop wrapping myself and just sitting around waiting for something to happen.
i should be the one MAKING something happen.
i have to START doing something, but as they always say, the start is always the toughest.
the first baby step is always full of fear.
okay jiale, what fear is there?
when you start to fear, you lose.
and you like being the daredevil so don't be fearful.
i am gonna do it.
i am gonna try out whatever i want to try.
i am gonna show you, show the world what i can be, what you can be, what we can be.
i need to give more, to the people around me.
i need to show how much they mean to me.
i need to try harder.
i need to not just type and actually do it.
i probably need a reminder, i need your help.
to remind me, by showing me how much you care, and in return i will show you mine too.
okay all these are getting nonsensical but i hope you understand.
thank you so much, for you.

I have been scolding vulgarities more and more often, more so than I'd like.
People says that scolding vulgarities means that ons is a v honest person, but I guess this isn't the case for me.
The louder I scold, the harder I want me to be heard.
The more I scold, the more I wish things would change.
The restrictions of this world ain't gonna bind me.

I need to sleep earlier.

Becoming more and more unwilling to sleep at night.
Idk what's wrong?
Am I so afraid of the end of the day?
It's not even insomnia.
Okay can.
Now still come type blog post.
I should really sleep.
Goodnight.